For my beautiful son who died of a rare cancer aged 18yrs, I wrote two very different songs, I played the guitar on the Blues and I sent my words written after/during a drinking session (Jamisons) to our (David and I) friend who returned “Crazy Diamond” the next morning. They reflect the contradictions of loss and raise questions about grief and its ways. If you read this and take in the music and pictures.. thank you very much. Its partly driven because no one wants their lost children to be forgotten.

He died in my arms, his last words were “sorry to put you through this dad” (I was a single parent), then shortly he said “I’m ready to die now dad”… so I gave him my permission (It’s a Buddhist thing) it allows the passing without fear caused by attachment, and told him of all the love we had and how I would love him forever. Then he slipped away in my arms. 

He’d taken five ‘A’ levels in Maths, Higher Maths, Chemistry, Physics and Biology and straight ‘A’d them… He was offered places at Oxford and Cambridge but opted for the Dreaming Towers of Oxford. On their “Early admission” program, so he would begin his degree a year before his peers. He wanted to get a Doctorate in Medical Research, he wanted to help others. Then we would return home to New Zealand.

Blues for David

Woke up this morning

I was feeling blue

Looked to my left

Couldn’t see you

Looked to my right

Thats when I knew

Oh my best buddy

Buddy where are you.

I have a million dollars,

And ten tons of gold

That I kept in a locker.

For when us two get old.

But its worth nothing now

Because we’re torn apart

And I know I can’t spend 

I can’t spend my fractured heart.

My Crazy Diamond

As these words cascade upon the page

I feel a hole inside

Sometimes I shine like you

My crazy diamond.

All my friends say its good to have you back

But I’m not there

I’ll spend another day

Just staring at these four walls.

Come crashing down,

I smash my flat up again.

Silence deafens now

As these words cascade upon the page

I feel that your not there

 Once I felt you rest on my shoulder

Now I’m five years older

The pain as fresh as yesterday

And the drugs don’t work now.

My dreams are full of death

They bring no distraction

I awake with tears in my heart

And a pillow case sodden.

It all comes crashing down

I’ll just smash my flat up again

The silence deafens now now now

As these words cascade upon the page

I feel a hole inside

Sometimes I shine like you my crazy diamond

All my friends they say it’s good to have you back

But I’m not there

I’ll spend another day just staring at these four walls

Staring at these four walls.

David in his All Blacks Jersey