she calls
the conquest of death
says she’s not feeling well.
has talked to her supervisor.
is waiting for the paramedics.
a pain in her chest,
just like the one she had
when we went camping,
Annan and I, two years back,
tented in a mobile free zone.
Katherine ferried her to the A&E;
tested for cardiac events in her blood.
some anomalies detected, told to take care.
i say i’m on the way.
she says she’ll be waiting.
there’s no traffic.
every light is green.
i see only you, waiting,
the tremors of your faltering heart
fuelling the uxorious engine pulling me to you.
many miles to cross. many frantic miles to go.
i can only see you, just you, waiting….
i arrive to see her shrouded.
They tried, they say, but….
everything fades to noise….
obscure i open and close, my petals dropping,
roots shrivelling in this sudden drought.
when there is nothing, when I have been emptied,
I hear you say, “our daughters will be waiting for you.”
I turn knowing what I must be.
A sad but not unusual story unfortunately we can’t be everywhere at the same time.
I liked the poem but please explain the significance of the low case i when referring to the past.
To be honest I didn’t see any reason why you used that especially since using low case seem to be a bit of a text fad at the moment which kind of detracts from the seriousness of this piece
(Sorry)
There is no need to be sorry, G. I want critique and commentary on my work because I should be able to justify the creation and the mechanism which supports it. I replied to Allen explaining the use of the “i” and the “I” and will not repeat myself. The last few poems have shown me the insignificance of the “I” and the whole ego that drives it, and now I prefer the “i” to remain as an observer around and through whom life flows. The “i” becomes just an eye.
Thats an interesting idea I guess using the i to diminish yourself like your unimportant in this situation?
I might have tried using second person voice for that or even passive detachment
Sometime ago I started writing a story about two characters one who could only refer to himself in third person and the other could only use passive detached
Of course they met in a psychiatrist’s waiting room. It was fun trying to write the dialogue 🙂
Can one say that a poem of this nature pleases? It does because it describes a circumstance applicable to so many passings, and in a way that did not abrade my senses. As Guaj says, you can’t be everywhere at the same time. As a matter of interest, mediums spend half their time telling the living that ‘nothing was left unsaid’ as the spirit of the deceased strives to stop the living worrying that they weren’t there at the deceased passing. My mother hung on and hung on while I travelled over a thousand miles by road and sea so… Read more »
Allen, I wrote this in a way that can please the reader and would show that there is a way to accept death; and that is to focus on the living. The key part of this poem is “the uxorious engine”, around which the story is built; before her death the “I” is lowercase to show the dependency of one upon the other – it is the “We” that matters and the “I” is subsumed into that; after the death comes the acceptance of the “I” as itself and the focus on the life that is to be. Both “i”… Read more »
I’m now discerning the pattern in your poetic series; and if I’m correct not necessarily based on personal experience? But if it all is, you must be the unluckiest person. That apart, a moving story – well told; notwithstanding the lower case i’s
D, this particular sequence of poems is part of a collection under the name of “The Worship of the Dead,” and forms part of my Creative Writing dissertation on the theme of Federated Identities. Some of them are based on personal experience, but the majority are built on observations of those around me and their reactions/responses to death. This one is based on a friend’s experience, who was taking part in the annual school father/daughter camping trip, only to be informed on his return that his wife had had a massive heart attack, and to find her voicemails asking where… Read more »
Thanks B, I thought it was a sequence, and very interesting to see it developing; and yes, you have explained the i’s and I’s, in the context of the work.
Dodge
Posted on ABCTales to test the waters there: she calls | ABCtales. Different audience and different reception.
That’s true, Bhi. Some of the stuff I write is posted both on ABC and UKA. Whilst on this site they hardly caused any ripples, on ABC many have been ‘cherried’ ((the same as ‘nibbed’) – 400 up to date – and sometimes chosen as Pick of the Day.
I see that yours has gone even further and has been chosen as Pick of the Week. Congratulations on the accolade.
Thanks, Luigi. I now tend to post first on ABC and then UKA. There is an almost immediate response from ABC; the piece is commented upon or “cherried”. Maybe it’s time to have a few more editors/moderators on this site? Just a thought.