Passion – more experimental poetry
10 to 9
You left Waterloo at 5 past 8
Must now be coming into the station
Walking to the car
6 minutes max
If I could have you now
My charged hands I send
winged to you
Transmitting the tremors
If I could collapse the clock
the door opens and you enter
already undressing, dripping
Melt water between your thighs
I would not want you any other way,
My ocean, tides ripping my carbon frame.
© Bhi 2023
This poem is highly erotic it almost reads like a wet dream. It reminded me of a similarly erotic poem I posted on a now defunct website about ten years ago J It got some very appreciative reviews from American ladies but one review, an English young woman from Yorkshire made me feel guilty and dirty I have never forgotten or forgiven her for her narrow view of poetry particularly because she thought she was a terrific poet (ess) and was even published in what I considered a magazine by and for pseudo intellectuals In a word: people who piss… Read more »
Ask the pious lady to fo!
Poems, to an extent, should be exempt from prescriptions and proscriptions.
More prude than pious, Supratik (and bitchy I wasn’t the only person she upset with her reviews)
Glad you liked it G. Treading a fine line here, but the main aim was to be as true to myself as possible, and seems based on the comments, that has been achieved. Don’t believe in guilt and there should be no need to feel guilty when you and your partner are in total synch and moving towards the eclipse. It’s too easy to confine and tie ourselves in pseudo intellectual bull…t.
Yes, eroticism at its finest. I love erotic poetry well executed. I don’t care for the severed hands imagery though….it stands out as out of sync to me. I do understand the impatience though. 😉
perhaps something like ‘my winged hands are already upon you’..or such like. Severed is not very appetizing lol.
I would also separate the final lines for added oomph.
tides ripping my carbon frame.
But that’s just me.
I agree about severed, the only off-putting word in the splendidly erotic poem, which may be boosted with another layout, or not.
The consensus was that “severed” did not sit well with the poem; I have bowed to the judgement and it has been changed.
Glad you liked it, Nic.
Alison, I have been thinking about that “added oomph” and also the “severed hands”. I was reading an autopsy report and those words just stuck in my head; I’ve changed it to “charged” to reflect the rising tension of the poem.
Jolly good show old bean! I grew up in the age of Hammer House of Horror (laughable now) but one of the first I saw was The Crawling Hand which by today’s standard of horror is laughable but as I was under 18 and should not have been in the cinema in the first place…it gave me the creeps. I do think everyone should be open to suggestions as honest feedback from readers. It is imperative in my mind but there is never any pressure to alter a poem which is always the writer’s creativity. I have a few I… Read more »
O dear Bhi! Bah! (It’s an expression in my mother tongue which means wonderful)
I just loved it. You nailed it in to get a nib!
Glad you liked it.
I forgot to thank Alison for the nib (assuming that it was our young lady)
Congrats on the Nib. Poem stays focused on longing all the way through. Regarding the “severed hands,” a suggestion might be something like: “Hands liberated from my body wing off”
CW, Thanks for reading. A little bit of editing needed to polish this; passion is extremely focused and I wanted to the poem to reflect that, and I appreciate all the comments.