Anticipating

Passion – more experimental poetry


 

10 to 9

You left Waterloo at 5 past 8

Must now be coming into the station

Walking to the car

Checking messages

6 minutes max

If I could have you now

5

My charged hands I send

winged to you

Transmitting the tremors

Wakening

4

you

3

If I could collapse the clock

2 1

the door opens and you enter

already undressing, dripping

Melt water between your thighs

I would not want you any other way,

My ocean, tides ripping my carbon frame.

© Bhi 2021
Views: 255
critique and comments welcome.
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Guaj

This poem is highly erotic it almost reads like a wet dream. It reminded me of a similarly erotic poem I posted on a now defunct website about ten years ago J It got some very appreciative reviews from American ladies but one review, an English young woman from Yorkshire made me feel guilty and dirty I have never forgotten or forgiven her for her narrow view of poetry particularly because she thought she was a terrific poet (ess) and was even published in what I considered a magazine by and for pseudo intellectuals In a word: people who piss… Read more »

Last edited 2 months ago by Guaj
Supratik

Ask the pious lady to fo!
Poems, to an extent, should be exempt from prescriptions and proscriptions.

Guaj

More prude than pious, Supratik (and bitchy I wasn’t the only person she upset with her reviews)

Stormwolf

Yes, eroticism at its finest. I love erotic poetry well executed. I don’t care for the severed hands imagery though….it stands out as out of sync to me. I do understand the impatience though. 😉
perhaps something like ‘my winged hands are already upon you’..or such like. Severed is not very appetizing lol.
I would also separate the final lines for added oomph.

My ocean,
tides ripping my carbon frame.

But that’s just me.
Alison x

I agree about severed, the only off-putting word in the splendidly erotic poem, which may be boosted with another layout, or not.

Stormwolf

Jolly good show old bean! I grew up in the age of Hammer House of Horror (laughable now) but one of the first I saw was The Crawling Hand which by today’s standard of horror is laughable but as I was under 18 and should not have been in the cinema in the first place…it gave me the creeps. I do think everyone should be open to suggestions as honest feedback from readers. It is imperative in my mind but there is never any pressure to alter a poem which is always the writer’s creativity. I have a few I… Read more »

Supratik

O dear Bhi! Bah! (It’s an expression in my mother tongue which means wonderful)
I just loved it. You nailed it in to get a nib!

ChairmanWow

Congrats on the Nib. Poem stays focused on longing all the way through. Regarding the “severed hands,” a suggestion might be something like: “Hands liberated from my body wing off”

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