Anticipating

Passion – more experimental poetry


 

10 to 9

You left Waterloo at 5 past 8

Must now be coming into the station

Walking to the car

Checking messages

6 minutes max

If I could have you now

5

My charged hands I send

winged to you

Transmitting the tremors

Wakening

4

you

3

If I could collapse the clock

2 1

the door opens and you enter

already undressing, dripping

Melt water between your thighs

I would not want you any other way,

My ocean, tides ripping my carbon frame.

© Bhi 2021
Views: 194
critique and comments welcome.
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Guaj

This poem is highly erotic it almost reads like a wet dream. It reminded me of a similarly erotic poem I posted on a now defunct website about ten years ago J It got some very appreciative reviews from American ladies but one review, an English young woman from Yorkshire made me feel guilty and dirty I have never forgotten or forgiven her for her narrow view of poetry particularly because she thought she was a terrific poet (ess) and was even published in what I considered a magazine by and for pseudo intellectuals In a word: people who piss… Read more »

Last edited 12 days ago by Guaj
Supratik

Ask the pious lady to fo!
Poems, to an extent, should be exempt from prescriptions and proscriptions.

Guaj

More prude than pious, Supratik (and bitchy I wasn’t the only person she upset with her reviews)

Stormwolf

Yes, eroticism at its finest. I love erotic poetry well executed. I don’t care for the severed hands imagery though….it stands out as out of sync to me. I do understand the impatience though. 😉
perhaps something like ‘my winged hands are already upon you’..or such like. Severed is not very appetizing lol.
I would also separate the final lines for added oomph.

My ocean,
tides ripping my carbon frame.

But that’s just me.
Alison x

Ifyouplease

I agree about severed, the only off-putting word in the splendidly erotic poem, which may be boosted with another layout, or not.

Stormwolf

Jolly good show old bean! I grew up in the age of Hammer House of Horror (laughable now) but one of the first I saw was The Crawling Hand which by today’s standard of horror is laughable but as I was under 18 and should not have been in the cinema in the first place…it gave me the creeps. I do think everyone should be open to suggestions as honest feedback from readers. It is imperative in my mind but there is never any pressure to alter a poem which is always the writer’s creativity. I have a few I… Read more »

Supratik

O dear Bhi! Bah! (It’s an expression in my mother tongue which means wonderful)
I just loved it. You nailed it in to get a nib!

ChairmanWow

Congrats on the Nib. Poem stays focused on longing all the way through. Regarding the “severed hands,” a suggestion might be something like: “Hands liberated from my body wing off”

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