The visitors

What do they want?

I don’t know, she just asked if they could come round.

I said yes, of course, now go and put a shirt on.

We couldn’t calm down, even the dog was feeding off my wife’s tension. The doorbell sounded and she shot off her stool like a boxer.

“Please come in, Mrs Antell, Mr Antell.”

“We’re not married,” said Ms Antell, without looking back or breaking step.

Ms Antell had her hair scraped back into a pony tail, a crisp white blouse and a black pencil skirt, that drew a line above fat ankles making her shoes look too small for her feet.Mr — you can call me George — Antell, without any eye contact, couldn’t wait to disappear into his chair, using the dog as a welcome distraction.

Ms Antell spoke first. “I suppose you are wondering why we are here. It’s about your son.

”My whole body locked down, an imperial guard in full battle armor.
“Our son?” I said, looking at my wife as she nearly dropped the cups of tea as she entered the room.

“Yes, your son. Now I know you haven’t been in the area very long but my Jamie has been playing lead guitar in the school band for the last three years. This year however, in their misguided wisdom, they have chosen your son for the Christmas concert.

“Stephen!” my wife snapped back, “our son’s name is Stephen!” She folded her arms and sat bolt upright. The dog scurried out of the room; he had heard that tone before and I knew how he felt.

“Yes, Stephen, exactly. Now George and I have discussed this and we thought you would understand and ask “Stephen” to withdraw from the band as this concert is very important to Jamie and, to be honest, everyone knows he’s the better guitarist.”

My wife jumped up. “Well, thank you for coming,” she said, removing a half-drunk cup of tea from Ms Antell’s hand and placing it down next to the untouched biscuits.

George followed the dog through to the back, knowing it was time to leave, and they were both frog-marched out the door.

As it slammed, my wife turned to me. ”Can you believe the cheek of it? I can’t believe what I’ve just heard – who the hell does she think she is, coming into my home…”

This went on for a good hour, I didn’t help by laughing through most of her distressed outbursts.

Stephen finally came home and into the lounge carrying his guitar.

“Hello, son, how was band practice?”

“OK, thanks for asking. Dad – what’s up with mum?”

“She’s fine. How are you getting on with Jamie?”

“Jamie Antell!, How do you know him?”

“Never mind that, how are things working out between you two?”

“It’s all good, I think. He can’t play to save his life and I’ve been giving him lessons on the side. Oh, but don’t tell his mum, apparently she’s a bit of a nightmare.”


 

© savvi 2023
Views: 3606
critique and comments welcome.
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mikeverdi

Good story, I enjoyed the read. As I’m shit at punctuation, I can see it needs some; it would be for someone else to say where HaHa! Anyway it didn’t spoil my read.
Mike

stevef

Agreed, it does need some tidying, punctuation-wise, but the story shone through well enough. You might perhaps consider the visitors being offered refreshment early in the plot as at present the reader only becomes aware of the tea after your wife’s exchange with Ms Antell.
A neat finish that I didn’t see coming!
I could suggest where the small errors are in a pm if you like, Keith (story copied and areas highlighted).

e-griff

Imo one of the advantages of giving advice publicly is so others can observe and learn, but I agree more detailed repetition is best privately, maybe just leaving key examples public

supratik

Would it be his guitar in the sentence: “Stephen finally came home and into the lounge carrying (is) guitar,” Good flash fiction? Frankly, you like it all the more when it kind of matches your expectation. TFS (probably this would be the way to sign off, like Stephen and Jamie?) Best. Supratik

e-griff

Ha ha – nice little vignette. Enjoyed it. I think you should review the comma after skirt.
But that’s all I noticed.

gerry

Savvi, nice little story – Enjoyed the read – Flipping kids… 😉
gerry.

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