Looking for winter ( poetry challenge )
I heard the lake speak of its captor
my stone played echoes on the ice.
The synthetic crunch
of powdered snow
is tainted by the day as
grit holes turn to black spots
browning under tyre slush.
It offers me its pungent sleep
burnt deep beneath hands sized leaves,
thick as early morning mist
that hangs heavy on the spire.
I tasted its fingers inside
my lungs, condensing through
my red wool scarf.
Then heard it snap a fallen branch
silent as a gun shot to a deer.
© savvi 2023
A distinctive view of the approaching winter, Keith, and the feelings that it inspires.
If I may be allowed to point out a few typos:
the noun on the second line should be ‘echoes’;
the first line in the second stanza should read ‘ it offers me’;
on the first line of the final verse: ‘its fingers’.
I hope you don’t mind these observations.
Many thanks Luigi I only realised it was Posting day last night so this one was a bit rushed to say the least, thanks for the typos I’ll get them fixed. Best keith
Ps thanks for being so supportive of the challenge, hope we can keep it going.
I see luigi has pre empted my own critique. All in all an effective poem, worth reading.
Although I did not understand the use of the word ‘grits’
Ha ha Griff, Luigi beat you to the typos, don’t worry there are plenty Moore where they came from The gritting image was a late change and I’ve tried to tidy it up based on your comment the line it replace was about the sound of compacted powdered snow and how it sets my teeth on edge but that could just be me so I took it out and did some road gritting instead, but you are correct I’d doesn’t work that well. Thanks for supporting the challenge with your comments, I really appreciate that. Keith
Yes Keith. It paints a picture. I love the use of sound in this piece. I too am fascinated by the twonking sound of stones skiffed on ice. Great start mate.;
Twonking is a great way to describe it Jim and exactly what I was going for, this one needs work but not sure I have the legs. At least the challenge is up and running. Many thanks Keith
Thanks for the help Trevor some good suggestions here I can use in the edit. Much appreciated Keith
Savvi, this is quite incredible given that it was so hastily written. I see from comments that you must have done some editing since first post and I can tell you I was working on mine for days after first posting and it filled out and changed considerably! Which is the way it goes for me with poems anyway – I do lots of revision and rewrites. Really have to agree with Franciman’s take on your use of sound to excellent effect in your images and word choice, and also with Goth when he intuits the anticipatory feel of this… Read more »