Sleeper, Wake up.
An older one taken out and re-arranged somewhat.
SLEEPER-WAKE-UP-2
He does not know me
Although I wander through his dreams
and leave my calling card at his door,
speak his very words.
He does not know me
Though I move his chest in breath
and surround him in sleep
Though I wake with him at dawn
see through his empty eyes
He
does
not
know
me…
Storm, I feel this could be interpreted maybe in more than one way. I will stick to my own idea which makes the poem both moving and understandable for me…
Gerry x.
Hi Gerry,
You are spot on in that this poem can be read in several ways. 😉
I myself, have several ways of interpreting it so I leave it to the reader to find if it works for them.
It is (hopefully) a moving poem.
Alison x
okay, have been back to this several times since morning. i’d cut 1st line, 2nd stanza. “Though i permeate his mind”
cut 3rd line, 5th stanza, “Cry with him in his despair”
cut 1st line
, 7th stanza, “And all because…”
your poem finishing:
Though i wake with him at dawn
See through his empty eyes
He
does
not
know
me…
hopefully something of help. Swep
Hi Swep, you ruthless pruner, you 😉 I was away to follow your suggestions…but does the poem’s meaning not now shift? see below He does not know me Although I wander through his dreams and leave my calling card at his door, speak his very words. He does not know me Though I move his chest in breath and surround him in sleep Though I wake with him at dawn see through his empty eyes He does not know me… Now it looks as though I am just making observations about a person but the “All because” but taken out… Read more »
i don’t think that’s lost with the suggested revision but if you feel your poem needs that to clarify, to provide reason for, then by all means keep it. i’m here to help if i can, but you’re the poet and have the best sense of what your poem needs.
Let me sleep on it. I value your opinion, that you do know. I also know this poem is a bit of a mystery to me in some ways. The two lines you suggested be trimmed are totally in order, as I did not particularly like them and only added them when I made amendments last thing yesterday, in order to have a poem to post. 😉 You see, one translation could be God speaking. He could be saying that someone was going through very hard, difficult times, because they steadfastly refused to consider Him. Even although he knows them… Read more »
Ok I have altered it and re-recorded it. What do you think now? 😉
Okay, the first two cuts are good ones, “Though i permeate his mind” and “Cry with his in his despair”.
At this point i’m not sure what you want to say. You’ve said he was miserable (I think) but does “And all because”, and of course the 5 one word lines that follow it, adequately account for his situation? your speaker has done what she could for him, how is the source of his misery “He/does/not/know me/?
I don’t want to make it too precise as I want it to have an air of mystery about it. If I can remember rightly, (very old poem) it was written about the concept that everyone has a twin flame and some never meet in life. I had just come out of a relationship with someone who professed to be mine..but it ended awkwardly with lots of angst and heart break on both sides..;( It made me think about where or who the real deal was, if that makes sense but if that was so…then HE would be also wondering… Read more »
Hi, Alison!
For me, this is about a guardian angel.
I like the repeated hookline. Very emphatic.
Archie x
Archie!
Glad you made the transition. Love the banner btw. I like that this can be read in different ways.
I could not get onto my archives so had to rob my website 😉
Alison x