Sleeper, Wake up.

An older one taken out and re-arranged somewhat.

      SLEEPER-WAKE-UP-2

 

 

Young beautiful drowned woman in blue dress lying in the water outdoor

He does not know me
Although I wander through his dreams
and leave my calling card at his door,
speak his very words.

He does not know me

Though I move his chest in breath
and surround him in sleep
Though I wake with him at dawn
see through his empty eyes

He
does
not
know
me…

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gerry

Storm, I feel this could be interpreted maybe in more than one way. I will stick to my own idea which makes the poem both moving and understandable for me…
Gerry x.

slovitt

okay, have been back to this several times since morning. i’d cut 1st line, 2nd stanza. “Though i permeate his mind”

cut 3rd line, 5th stanza, “Cry with him in his despair”

cut 1st line

, 7th stanza, “And all because…”

your poem finishing:

Though i wake with him at dawn
See through his empty eyes

He
does
not
know
me…

hopefully something of help. Swep

slovitt

i don’t think that’s lost with the suggested revision but if you feel your poem needs that to clarify, to provide reason for, then by all means keep it. i’m here to help if i can, but you’re the poet and have the best sense of what your poem needs.

slovitt

Okay, the first two cuts are good ones, “Though i permeate his mind” and “Cry with his in his despair”.
At this point i’m not sure what you want to say. You’ve said he was miserable (I think) but does “And all because”, and of course the 5 one word lines that follow it, adequately account for his situation? your speaker has done what she could for him, how is the source of his misery “He/does/not/know me/?

Hi, Alison!

For me, this is about a guardian angel.

I like the repeated hookline. Very emphatic.

Archie x