I Have Wounded You.
Thoughtless words are the knives
with many blades, they wound as
they fall from the pen.
Judgement lay unrealised upon
the page. Careless eyes,
blind of understanding had
condemned the innocent.
Apologies lie empty as shells
within the sand, or the pebble
washed away in an icy river’s
flow, which no amends
can stem.
flow
© sweetwater 2022
Views: 408
(@dodgem)Another gem Sue. Your use of imagery gives great depth to your work. I’d of put the shells upon the sand, but that is just my personal preference.
(@sweetwater)Hi Dodgem. Thank you very much. 🙂
I wanted to put upon the sand but had already used it in the fourth line down and I try not to repeat myself if I can avoid it. I am still pondering on it though. sue.
(@pilgermannbm)An extremely skilful poem that says much through its imagery. Look forward to one on making amends.
(@sweetwater)Thank you very much, I too look forward to the day amends can be made. 🙂 sue.
(@dodgem)I suppose you could change upon to on – on the fourth line; but then where do you stop? Reminds me of the Father Ted episode with the lottery car, and the slight dent that Ted tried to fix – the result was hilarious! Anyway, its speaks to me as it is.
(@griffonner)Ah! A lover of “My Lovely Horse!” 🙂
(@sweetwater)I think I remember that episode and that is exactly what can happen when I do try and alter just one word. I’m never satisfied with it and keep going back to alter even more,
pleased to like it as it is. 🙂
(@griffonner)Sue, I’m with Dodge on this, and must repeat his statement that ‘your use of imagery gives great depth to your work’. I like it very much.
The concept of this is something I have been thinking about in the past few days, and I have an unfinished piece that is waiting the return of my inspiration for it.
Allen x
(@sweetwater)Thank you very much Allen, that’s much appreciated.
It came from an honest mistake and now I have hugely offended my
daughters, completely unintentionally but they don’t believe me. And want nothing to do with me.
I hope inspiration comes to you in a better form than mine has 🙂 sue.
(@bhi)Another great poem from you, Sue. The only little quibble I have with this piece is the mixing of tenses, and there are a couple of lines which could flow better, for example:
“they wound as
they fall from the pen.”
could be:
“wounding as
they fall from the pen.”
and:
“Apologies lie empty as shells
within the sand”
could be:
“Apologies, empty as shells,
litter the sand.”
You could then restructure:
“Judgement lay unrealised upon
the page.”
to:
“Judgement lies unrealised upon
the page.”
Just my thoughts.
bhi
(@sweetwater)Many thanks for your kind suggestions, I have studied them very carefully, ‘judgement has to be lay as it’s past tense’ and I think ‘apologies litter the sand’ sounds less meaningful as if they were left over rubbish littering an area. Plus I don’t think it leads into the last lines very well.
But your first suggestion with the knives is very interesting and I am giving some real thought. sue.