Devil take you

Devil take you

 

The mists wreath the mountain tops

The cold seeps through you like tiny drops.

There’s a gathering storm in those towers of stone

As you stare standing there almost alone.

 

The gods are absent from this scene

As you lose your mind to the dark and the dank.

He’s rolling down an unbeaten path

Like an undiagnosed psychopath

 

His staring eyes red with hellfire take you aback

But your rooted like stone to a spot in a gap

Between the real and that terrible black

His hounds howl through the night an evil pack.

 

His cloak wraps around you covering you in black

Your his meal, your his feast as he takes you back.

He walks you up through the unholy storm

And every memory comes from when you were born.

 

He holds you close in his petrified hands of cold.

Its then you know bastardised all that’s told.

He’s your father he’s your priest he’s your future.

He’s silent, but you hear it all like a silent sutra.

 

Sewing up your mouth sewing up your eyes.

His feet leave the cold dank ground as he flies.

He’s taking you home to a brimstone abode.

You’d better know buddy you aint never coming back.

© Mentalelf 2021
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critique and comments welcome.
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Stormwolf

Now this has the makings of a good poem. I liked the dark menace of it, the hovering threat…the imagery. Where to me it lets itself down is in the rhythm. When I read a poem like this I always read it out loud, It should settle into a recognisable rhythm that brings the reader along smoothly for the ride. This one falters with a lack of that structure example His cloak wraps around you covering you in black Your his meal, your his feast as he takes you back. what about this or similar? 😉 His enveloping cloak, folds… Read more »

Stormwolf

Thank you Phil. Most of us improved tremendously from getting good feedback. I cannot tell you how rewarding it was personally when I was gently prodded in the right direction and seeing others absolutely bloom.

Alison x

Bhi

Phil, Agree with Alison on the rhyming. As always there is the sense of “the rush” of your thoughts, and that is the power of your writing.

Bhi

Phil, .

Fully on board with your approach, and that is what instils the passion into, and makes your writing. You are a bloody good poet, and don’t forget that.

keep safe.

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