Devil take you
Devil take you
The mists wreath the mountain tops
The cold seeps through you like tiny drops.
There’s a gathering storm in those towers of stone
As you stare standing there almost alone.
The gods are absent from this scene
As you lose your mind to the dark and the dank.
He’s rolling down an unbeaten path
Like an undiagnosed psychopath
His staring eyes red with hellfire take you aback
But your rooted like stone to a spot in a gap
Between the real and that terrible black
His hounds howl through the night an evil pack.
His cloak wraps around you covering you in black
Your his meal, your his feast as he takes you back.
He walks you up through the unholy storm
And every memory comes from when you were born.
He holds you close in his petrified hands of cold.
Its then you know bastardised all that’s told.
He’s your father he’s your priest he’s your future.
He’s silent, but you hear it all like a silent sutra.
Sewing up your mouth sewing up your eyes.
His feet leave the cold dank ground as he flies.
He’s taking you home to a brimstone abode.
You’d better know buddy you aint never coming back.
Now this has the makings of a good poem. I liked the dark menace of it, the hovering threat…the imagery. Where to me it lets itself down is in the rhythm. When I read a poem like this I always read it out loud, It should settle into a recognisable rhythm that brings the reader along smoothly for the ride. This one falters with a lack of that structure example His cloak wraps around you covering you in black Your his meal, your his feast as he takes you back. what about this or similar? 😉 His enveloping cloak, folds… Read more »
No all help is help, thank you Alison. I see where you’re at. It does make sense to me now I see it. Thank you much appreciated. Stay safe. Phil.
Thank you Phil. Most of us improved tremendously from getting good feedback. I cannot tell you how rewarding it was personally when I was gently prodded in the right direction and seeing others absolutely bloom.
Alison x
“Bloom”… I hope so. I’m neither proud nor an egotist, help is always well received. I think I’m better at stories than poetry, but often I write what seems to be a poem in my head but is usually a story set as some form of poetry. I think a lot of my problem is just writing things as a flow of consciousness, writing how I feel, and then I don’t really change anything. Maybe I need to rethink that.
Phil, Agree with Alison on the rhyming. As always there is the sense of “the rush” of your thoughts, and that is the power of your writing.
Thanks man. I do get it, but I get caught up in the words and especially the story.. I often have a tune playing in my head as I write, and many of my poems would make better stories. My old mate Rick Gammon used to call me his “Chinaski” and said fuck the grammar. But I don’t think I’ll do that. and sometimes I don’t but other times I’m in such a mental rush to get it down everything goes out the window. All my life I’ve been battered mentally… PTSD, some other headologist called it manic depression.. and… Read more »
Phil, .
Fully on board with your approach, and that is what instils the passion into, and makes your writing. You are a bloody good poet, and don’t forget that.
keep safe.