Waiting

 


The world outside your room, merely a framed image

of ‘once was,’  only changing with movements in the

sky over unmoved buildings. You sit on padded plastic

facing the blank screen of a television which once shone

from breakfast to supper. Days pass slowly, welding into

one, while time flies taking, a morsel of memory in cruel

talons every day and your heart beats strong defying the

minutes; weeks and months of their long awaited task.

© Guaj 2021
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critique and comments welcome.
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Bhi

The structure of the poem reflects the messages within it; it is a solid block and requires a slow read, which adds the needed gravitas. Waiting, but fighting every day to breathe and stay, until the moment comes; great poem.

Punctuation after “time flies taking” – do you need the comma?

and “defying the minutes” – should that be a comma and not a semi-colon?.

bhi

Bhi

I am sure you will, but let’s enjoy the time we have.

A fitting tribute.

Ionicus

The punctuation does indeed need looking at. The comma in line 6 is misplaced: it should be after ‘flies’ not after ‘taking’ and, as Bhi pointed out, a comma not a semicolon on the last line.
I am a bit baffled by “time flies taking, a morsel of memory in cruel talons“. I can’t see
the connection. Is ‘time flies’ supposed to represent a bird (i.e.a metaphor)?

Last edited 1 month ago by ionicus
Ionicus

If you are happy with it, well and good, Guaj. I found it a bit strange but perhaps I am being dim.

Ionicus

As you asked, my suggestion is that first of all it has to read like an analogy. Perhaps by adjusting this quote by Ivan Turgenev:
Time sometimes flies like a birdsometimes crawls like a snail, etc., etc. to read
Time flies like a bird of prey, taking morsels of memory in its talon every day.
 No need for the adjective cruel as not only the talons but the whole bird is assumed to be so. Your original meaning would be maintained.

Ionicus

Obviously, an author and a reader may have different perspectives but it is the author’s prerogative to stick to his guns. 🙂

Ifyouplease

moments form the infinitesimal bench of self-proving trust, the certainty we exist in some form, somewhere, and we validate our existence by performing acts of evil and good. there is nothing we are not aware of, we just avoid remembering. we are the jury, the judge the plaintiff and the defendant, the lawyer and the prosecutor, and all this to write an objective article for our trial trying to please our Boss, the God of our choice, who is a newspaper publisher. yes we wait.

Mentalelf

Was this after or during your near miss with covid? I see it is about your mum but… It captures the lost and dispossessed and lonely so well. Many just sit staring and lost, oblivious to life any longer, I pity but understand your subject. Could be any of us, except for those in care homes… they turn the TV on for you there.

Last edited 1 month ago by Mentalelf
Ifyouplease

I have not read other comments and replies, based on what I read this comment of mine was basically a reaction, a bit poetic a bit philosophical, I want to make it a poem and used this space to start writing it, and I will create something inspired by this poem. Thanks

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