Waiting
The world outside your room, merely a framed image
of ‘once was,’ only changing with movements in the
sky over unmoved buildings. You sit on padded plastic
facing the blank screen of a television which once shone
from breakfast to supper. Days pass slowly, welding into
one, while time flies taking, a morsel of memory in cruel
talons every day and your heart beats strong defying the
minutes; weeks and months of their long awaited task.
© Guaj 2023
Views: 410
The structure of the poem reflects the messages within it; it is a solid block and requires a slow read, which adds the needed gravitas. Waiting, but fighting every day to breathe and stay, until the moment comes; great poem.
Punctuation after “time flies taking” – do you need the comma?
and “defying the minutes” – should that be a comma and not a semi-colon?.
bhi
I based this pn my mother’s last year. Knowing me I think I will be just as defiant when death comes calling
I am sure you will, but let’s enjoy the time we have.
A fitting tribute.
The punctuation does indeed need looking at. The comma in line 6 is misplaced: it should be after ‘flies’ not after ‘taking’ and, as Bhi pointed out, a comma not a semicolon on the last line.
I am a bit baffled by “time flies taking, a morsel of memory in cruel talons“. I can’t see
the connection. Is ‘time flies’ supposed to represent a bird (i.e.a metaphor)?
Luigi I am fully aware of the need to correct the punctuation as B pointed out. For the moment I have not had time to make the changes and to be honest I don’t know why I made those mistakes to begin with
Time flies as you well know and when one ages memory can decline and it seems to me a tiny bit is lost each day. I see no reason why it cannot be interpreted as being stolen in the talons of some flying creature bird or whatever
If you are happy with it, well and good, Guaj. I found it a bit strange but perhaps I am being dim.
What would you suggest Luigi?
As you asked, my suggestion is that first of all it has to read like an analogy. Perhaps by adjusting this quote by Ivan Turgenev:
Time sometimes flies like a bird, sometimes crawls like a snail, etc., etc. to read
Time flies like a bird of prey, taking morsels of memory in its talon every day.
No need for the adjective cruel as not only the talons but the whole bird is assumed to be so. Your original meaning would be maintained.
Thanks ,Luigi. I see what you mean and I could use it, but in my mind I don’t see flying time and any sort of creature we would recognise. The word talons is more of a metaphor for something that grabs and takes stuff away.
Obviously, an author and a reader may have different perspectives but it is the author’s prerogative to stick to his guns. 🙂
moments form the infinitesimal bench of self-proving trust, the certainty we exist in some form, somewhere, and we validate our existence by performing acts of evil and good. there is nothing we are not aware of, we just avoid remembering. we are the jury, the judge the plaintiff and the defendant, the lawyer and the prosecutor, and all this to write an objective article for our trial trying to please our Boss, the God of our choice, who is a newspaper publisher. yes we wait.
An interesting comment Nic but unfortunately I haven’t got a clue what you mean
Was this after or during your near miss with covid? I see it is about your mum but… It captures the lost and dispossessed and lonely so well. Many just sit staring and lost, oblivious to life any longer, I pity but understand your subject. Could be any of us, except for those in care homes… they turn the TV on for you there.
Hi
I don’t recall being close to catching Covid but one never knows really
This is based on my mother last years but it’s not specifically about her
She wasn’t in a care home.
She was 95 when she died although she was losing her memory she didn’t have dementia
I have not read other comments and replies, based on what I read this comment of mine was basically a reaction, a bit poetic a bit philosophical, I want to make it a poem and used this space to start writing it, and I will create something inspired by this poem. Thanks
I will be very happy for you to do that xxx Thanks also