Passion
Midnight howls and we wake aroused,
Rain hard on the panes, beat rising,
Stepping into step with our heat,
Strengthened through the day past burning,
Burning,
flesh melding,
sweated, cooling now
A blanket for the night ahead.
© Bhi 2022
Views: 227
(@ifyouplease)it’s burnt flesh that I have a problem to like in this otherwise perfect poem. bare flesh?
(@bhi)Thank you for the feedback. I spent a long time pondering the use of “burnt”. I had settled on
Burning,
Burning,
Flesh sweated, cooling now
But wanted something stronger. I will revisit on your suggestion.
(@stormwolf)How frustrating. I just wrote a long comment for it all to disappear into the abyss. :/ Hello Bhi, Welcome to Uka. 😉 This is one of those short poems that can leave the reader with a strong sense of meaning. In such a short poem every word counts…There are two bits that do not work for me but others may disagree. That is one of the great things about getting honest feedback. 😉 I get the repetition of the first line and the third are deliberately chosen for effect. However, the wake, wakened does not make too much sense.… Read more »
(@bhi)Alison, Thank you for reading and the honest feedback. Sorry to hear about the “disappear into the abyss”!
I am revisiting the “burnt flesh” and will rework.
This was one of those moments when the elements outside and inside of us were aligned in a sublime apotheosis and the poem formed to complement the feelings.
(@stormwolf)Hi again 🙂
This was one of those moments when the elements outside and inside of us were aligned in a sublime apotheosis and the poem formed to complement the feelings.
Yes, and you succeeded in that aim. It is a very intimate poem.
Alison x