Winter Song.
Midnight drifts
away in darkness:
frosting wraps the
naked bough,
across the night a
lone voice sings
crisp and sharp
as winter’s breath.
© sweetwater 2023
Views: 1271
Midnight drifts
away in darkness:
frosting wraps the
naked bough,
across the night a
lone voice sings
crisp and sharp
as winter’s breath.
Enjoyed listening to your Winter’s Song, Sweetwater. A poem as refreshing, crisp and cool as winter’s breath. One more beautiful night scene captured for us readers. Thankyou for sharing!
Warm Regards, Gomathi
Much appreciated Gomathi, I’m pleased you enjoyed it, insomnia isn’t so bad with a little birdsong in the air. Sue.
This instantly conveys the sensation of being outdoors on a frosty night. However, sorry to point out a small nit (horrible word): but midnight cannot drift; it is a time and as soon as it changes it becomes one minute after midnight, and so on. Also it is not a concrete thing that can drift like a boat on a river. I suggest something like – “Midnight, my thoughts drift away into darkness….” The lone voice is very eerie but would it be a human voice? I would suggest an owl.. “Across the night, an owl’s lone cry, crisp and… Read more »
Thank you for the apostrophe help Gerald, I hate those things and always get them wrong, I have amended.
I wasn’t thinking of time on a clock, although the second hand can drift towards the next minute, it was more ethereal than actual.
I was looking from an open upstairs window, saw the frost and then a Robin began to sing in the distance I just wanted to recall the moment.
Thank you for reading and your thoughtful comment. I understand what you mean about placing myself in the poem, but I was only an observer on this occasion. Sue.
Just to be a nuisance again, by definition, midnight is a precise time, or if you take it to be, in a loose sense, the middle of the night, it is in darkness, so it can’t drift into what it’s already in. It doesn’t hold water. Again, as it stands, if you use the word ‘voice’ the reader is bound to think you mean a human voice. If it’s not a human voice, I think you should say so. Gerald.
Oh dear I seem to be making a right hash of writing now, perhaps I should have quit while I was ahead. Sue.
Please don’t apologise, Sue. We all have bits we can work on but we don’t have enough people prepared to tell us.
Gerald.
I’ve had a thought, compromise sort of, I will change ‘to darkness to in darkness’ it may read more sensibly. Sue.
Yes….. midnight drifts away in darkness… yes, that’s genius!!!!!
Right, now for the ‘drifts’ may take a bit longer! 🙂
How about ‘Hours drift away in darkness’
Won’t change it on here though.
I think you need to keep midnight as it sets up the night scene better. Hours is any time. Also,there’s “The midnight darkness deepens…”
Yes, that could work 🙂
Lovely work. Sparse wording which nevertheless allows the reader to view an abundance of music with this winter song. Much enjoyed it.
blessings,
jolen
Thank you Jolen I am very pleased you enjoyed it 🙂 Sue.
I have come to love your poems which have a style all of their own. You always manage to capture so much in so few lines.
Alison x
Thank you Alison, I’m so pleased you enjoy them. I had so much help and advice from mike over the years and always kindly put, that I can still hear him saying “cut out all the words that don’t need to be there, just use enough to make your point”. I still miss him. Sue.
Yes. I miss Mike too and Bozz and weefatfella 🙁
They were lovely men and very encouraging to me. I still feel a pang of sadness thinking about them and how lucky I was to know them.
Bozz was wonderfully kind to me and he gave me the affirmation of my work I have never received from any of my family. So did Mike.
We remember those who leave their mark by their kindness .
I think of their wives too and how much they must be missing them, especially in this season.
🙁
Alison x