Fix My Computer

This story was inspired whilst listening in to a friend on an IT support call (first published on my blog in 2012)

“Good Day. Thank you for calling ‘FixMyPC’. All our technicians are on calls at the moment, and the waiting time is 3 minutes. Please hold to be connected when one of our technicians becomes free.”

         Hmmph

“Thank you for waiting. We have not forgotten you, but our technicians are still busy on calls. The waiting time is 3 minutes. Please hold to be connected when one of our technicians becomes free.”

         Still three minutes? …

“Thank you for waiting. We have not forgotten you, but our technicians are still busy on calls. The waiting time is 0 minutes. Please hold to be connected when one of our technicians becomes free.”

         0 minutes ???

“Hello. Thank you for calling ‘FixMyPc’. My name is Ramone. Can I take your SR number please.”

“Hello. Err … SR number. What is that?”

“That’s your Service Registration number. It was on the email, sir.”
“Email, err … which email?”

“The confirmation email, that you received when you signed up to FixMyPC sir.”

“That’s part of my problem … I cannot get any emails.”

“I’m afraid I cannot help you without that number sir. Do you not have a printed copy, sir?”

“Err … Sorry!”

“I can try another way, sir. If you want me to?”

“Please, that would be helpful.”

“Can I take your surname, DOB, that’s date of birth sir, postcode, and the last three digits of your credit card sir?”

“Can you just hang on a minute, while I get my card?”

“Of course sir.”

         Bloody messing about!

“Right, it’s Johnstone, 20th of the 4th, 55, LG29 7QA and the card number is 399.”

“Hello…. Are you still there ??”

“Thank you for calling ‘FixMyPC’. Your service call has been put on hold. All our technicians are on calls at the moment, and the waiting time is 6 minutes. Please hold to be connected when one of our technicians becomes free.”

“What … hello!!!!”

“Thank you for waiting. We have not forgotten you, but our technicians are still busy on calls. The waiting time is 23 minutes. Please hold to be connected when one of our technicians becomes free.”

         Arrrrrrrghhhh

“Hello. Thank you for calling ‘FixMyPc’. My name is Pierre. Can I take your SR number please.”

“What the … I have just been through all this with … Ramone!”

“Ramone is on another call at the moment sir, but if you give me your SR number, I can help.”

         Grrrrrrr

“Yes, he was on a call to me!!! As I explained to Ramone, I cannot get access to my emails, so have not got the damn SR number.”

“Please don’t use offensive language sir, or I will have to terminate the call. I am trying to help you. Now if you give me your surname, date of birth, postcode, and the last three digits of your credit card, I can find your account that way, sir.”

“No don’t go hang up … it’s Johnstone, ‘DOB’ is 20, zero 4, 1955. Postcode is LG29 7QA and the card number is 399.”

“Is that Johnstone, or Johnson sir?”

“Johnstone. J-O-H-N-S-T-O-N-E!”

“Ah … Mr Johnstone. I see you now. What seems to be the problem?”

“My computer is not working!”

“Well let’s see what we can do. Now did you get any error messages?”

“No!”

“Have you been to any unorthodox websites?

“Err … what do you mean by unorthodox?”

“You know the type sir”

“You mean porn sites?”

“Yes!”

“No”

“Just a theory.  Are there beeps or other noises when you switch on.”

“No!”

“Are there any lights on the computer, that are lit?”

“Err … no!”

“Are you sure the computer plugged into the mains, Mr Johnstone ?”

        Bugger !!!

“Mr Johnstone, is the computer connected the main electrical supply?”

        Hang up you fool

“Mr Johnstone !!! Are you still there?”

        I’m going to hang up…

“Mr Johnstone. Do you wish to close the call?”

“Mr Johnstone …”