The Cancer Diary (January and on)

Another chapter in my life with cancer


 

Cancer diary

28/03/2017

 

Ten years has taken its toll on me; physically and mentally.  I am now what cancer has made me. To know what I know can be draining.  I continue to make a life for myself within my family unit.

 

It’s Dark in Here
 
In the middle of everything,
I found nothing.
It’s what I’ve become.
Lost within walls of illusion.
Struggling with the truth,
while living on the edge of darkness.
These are my thoughts
These are my feelings
These are my dreams.

 

 

The Journey Continues

The January scans and tests were a mixed bag of results as always, a little sugar to help swallow the shit. Chemotherapy had done its work and halted the cancer on my peritoneum for a while. Sadly not before another outbreak had arrived on my liver. This was not music to my ears. I asked about an operation to remove the liver cancer as I thought this would be the option….not so Dr. Verdi.  It turns out an operation would not be considered for a secondary cancer if there was no way of removing the existing outbreak. At least I think that’s what they said. New tablets were prescribed to back up the Chemo short term, while alternative options were looked for. And I continue to live in hope.

This was not all of my latest problems, a blockage had been found in my urethra, apparently a tube leading from my kidneys. The thought was to send in a camera to see what it was. I imagined that would be a simple cut in my gut job. Oh no Dr.Verdi… wrong for a second time. They wanted to shove it up my penis. Bloody hell, that’s not a good thought to go to bed with. I’d had this tried once before, it caused all sorts of problems. I’ll just leave that there.

While waiting for an appointment I was informed that the procedure had been cancelled.  Now I have to worry as to why?

A bit of good news, my Diverticulitis doesn’t seem to be troubling me as much since I’ve adjusted my diet yet again. I shall be down to living on leaves and grass soon. It’s crazy the amount of things you can’t eat, and just because you can’t….you want them all the more.

 

The Cutting Edge

Standing at the edge of infinity
looking out on tomorrow.
I know the price of consequences,
drank the tears of self-pity…
washed down with a whiskey chaser.
Life’s regrets hang like tapestries
telling tales of broken dreams,
long lost loves;
kept alive in memories.
I dress my dreams in lace
and chase them
through the dark hours.

 

Life outside of cancer world went on as normal, winter can be a boring time if you let it get to you, all that cold, wind and rain. I have always found that the inside of pubs are generally dry and warm. We visit a lot of pubs.

I can’t drink as used to, two or three pints of ale and I’m off to the bogs like a greyhound every ten minutes, still it’s worth it just to get out and listen to live music and soak up the atmosphere…I love real pubs. We are blessed in Plymouth to have some great musicians playing all types of music, along with one or two great venues.

I have to be careful with drink, it can make me into a sad bastard, I get all choked up with what’s lost to me. Those who have had my autobiography forced on them (and read it) will know I was a bit of a bugger when younger. All the shit I’ve gone through has stripped away my ability to raise a hard on let alone hell….. and I miss it.

I was reminded the other day, that it would be undignified for a man of some seventy years to live my old life. I looked back and thought for a moment…

Well fuck them if they can’t take a joke.

 

No Second Coming

Oh that I could feel again
temptations of desire,
feel the heat of loves bright flame;
bathe in its sweet fire.
Chase the memories of youth
through passages of time,
find those dreams of yesterday;
that are no longer mine.

 

The sun returned to the sky for a few days last week, life took a turn for the better. My daily dog walks were just that bit more enjoyable. I took a small flask of coffee with me and walked a little further, smiled more at those I met. Curse a little less, when shaking my fist at my discontentment. It makes such a difference. All the hedgerows are now decked out with daffodils, primroses and other wild flowers. The trees are gathering themselves for summer. I pass a couple of gardens with huge magnolia trees in full bloom, I love them.

People are already starting to swim in the sea again, they don’t even wear wet suits. Wild swimming they call it now. It would certainly make me wild at this time of the year…bloody nutters.

Life caught up with me while I was writing this chapter, and I had to stop for a while. I’m trying to consolidate Lesley’s position with a mortgage free property in case the shit hits the fan. Chemo has left me muddled, even now several months later. What was second nature to me now takes three times as long; I never did like paper work anyway.

The other thing that’s caught up is my next scan and blood test…this should be interesting. It’s time to dance with the devil again, roll the dice and look at the options. I’m ready for my close up now Doctor.

 

This is for anyone who lives in this world, my thoughts and best wishes go out to you…. fight on.

Within the walls of my illusion
in my coat of many colours,
I felt the need for silence and solitude.
While…..
Beneath the weight of expectations
I bend… but never break.

 

To be continued…

Mikeverdi

 

 

© mikeverdi 2017
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critique and comments welcome.

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8 Comments on "The Cancer Diary (January and on)"

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Gothicman
Member

This is gripping reading, Mike, both in knowing what you are going through, how it’s been progressing, but also because your amazingly resilient, creative ability shines through it all as authentic prose and poetry written from the heart of a very likeable guy.. I’m glad your daily walks with the dog in warmer weather are helping, if only just a little, to keep your spirits up. Anyway Mike, hoping with you, and family and friends, that the coming Test results bring something positive in these really difficult times. You’re a tough old fart, that’s for sure!
Trevor

Otreasaigh
Member

Very moving again, Mike. You really do tell it exactly how it is. It’s good that you don’t pull punches. Just a comment… if you every look to get these journals published, you may well want to consider a different title. Take care for now, Mick.

Andrea
Member

Hang n there mike, we’re all with you !

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