Forgotten Coats.
A swell of voice in trebled song
rides high across the vale
where joyous face of vibrant eye
shall shake apart her frills:
nature yawns the year awake
and from her cup of spring she
tips, a gilding on the day.
Discarded coats now lay forlorn;
like long forgotten memories
across the path of youth.
© sweetwater 2023
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I hope you’ll forgive me, Sue, if I say that in my opinion this is not one of your best. I think that the topic – about nature and the arrival of spring – is one that you have used in other poems more effectively.
I’ll forgive you and also agree with you, I wasn’t at all sure about this one, the last three lines don’t really go with the rest of the poem either. Bin or drawing board I’ll decide later. 🙂 Sue.
I wonder if you could put “Her” in front of coats and change “youth” to age to extend and maintain the rather compelling anthropomorphic direction of the piece. “Yawns the year awake’ is rather fine.
Hi Ross yes that would work, thank you that’s a great help I shall have a good look at that idea and I’m pretty sure I shall use it. A second pair of eyes and a different perspective often helps. 🙂 Sue.
Sorry but I can’t quite agree with your answer to Ionicus.
The last three lines in my reading gives closure to your poem.
“Discarded coats” are what we cast off when the weather warms up, for once winter passes we forget how cold we have been “Like forgotten memories.”
Towards the youth (beginning) of another year
Thank you Potleek I appreciate your kind comment, I was dictating my ideas onto my phone as I walked my dog, recording the things around me, it was warm and I imagined children playing and throwing their coats on the ground and rushing off to play in the woods as I did as a child, forgetting as you said how cold it had been. The last line was about the memories made in childhood which were scattered ‘across the path of youth’ and were left behind, forgotten, as we walked forward along that path to the present day. 🙂 Sue.
Just caught up with this one Sweetwater – and your work is always worth catching up on. As others have said this, as it stands, doesn’t quite work, although I’m certain there is a good poem in there. To my mind there are two lines missing and a better rhyme for frills (which would continue the musical theme). I will pm you my thoughts for your consideration 🙂 Elfstone
Thank you Elfstone I appreciate your comment about catching up with my work, that’s very kind of you. I look forward to any alterations you suggest. I wondered about frills but as I was referring to daffodils I couldn’t think of much else. As for two more lines I agree with you, just not sure what. Your poems are always a joy to read so I am perfectly sure whatever you suggest will be just right. Thank you in advance Sue x
Hello Sue, So nice to read your poetry again. You do have a way of telling a story which puts your stamp on it. Whether this one is better or worse than others I don’t feel qualified to say but it still has your footprints (in the snow perhaps) and is very readable.
Michael
Hi Michael, haven’t seen you on here for a while, lovely to hear from you.
Thank you for your very kind comment it’s much appreciated, it’s nice to think my poems are recognisable as written by me just from reading them. 🙂 sue.
Been missing for a while – trouble in the camp with a poorly wife. She’s perking up a bit at the moment so I have a little more time. All I need now is inspiration. Got any to spare?
Michael
I’m so sorry to hear she was unwell, pleased things are looking up now though. I send my good wishes to you both.
I too am finding inspiration hard to come by at the moment which is why I am relying on good old Mother Nature to help me out and tide me over, but if I can find a rich seam of it I shall most certainly send some your way. Sue. Xx