Other Paths.
I was listening to a song on the radio and one of the lines caught my attention, and this stemmed from there.
Pain stalked the
remembering:
yet far more does the
knife wound the mind
in closing my door
to you.
What’s left is breathing
low, an attempt at non
existence.
You’re walking the ways
my heart cannot
travel.
Your direction is against
the winds, I can follow
no longer.
But still you call
to me….
And follow
I must.
© sweetwater 2023
Views: 3803
Poignant and deeply felt; I like this very much. May I suggest that –
yet far more does the
knife wound the mind
to close my door
to you.
– reads awkwardly. I wonder if inserting “in closing” in place of “to close” would help? I would also tweak the layout, but you know by now that that is one of my ‘things’. The layout of a poem is so important. For your consideration only and these points do not take away from the work. 🙂 Elfstone
Thank you so much for commenting Elfstone I really appreciate your interest and suggestions. I put “to close” rather than “in closing” because the door hadn’t actually closed because it would be too painful to do so, just the thought hurts too much. As for layout heck that’s always a difficulty of mine, I so envy those that can get it right, I’ve tried this every which way and this seemed to work the best but I don’t doubt there is a better one I just can’t find it. 🙁 Thank you once again suggestions really do help and I… Read more »
I agree with Elfstone 100 %, In closing is much better. A really good poem.
Thank you Ifyou please, I shall have another look and a rethink. Sue 🙂
This is one of your best Sue, I love it. I also found this site difficult to organise a layout on. I would suggest centering and trying to get rid of the unnecessary gaps. I’m going to nominate anyway.
Mike
Oh wow, thank you Mike I hadn’t expected a nomination.
For some reason there is a lot I cannot do on this site which I found reasonably easy on the old one, time to enlist my son in law I think 🙂 Sue xx
Thank you Trevor I am so pleased you liked it. I will attempt to do as you suggest, I am always terrified I will lose the whole post, comments as well if I mess about at this stage as I really understand nothing about even the basics of computers, my son in law is very good but he gets so frustrated with my lack of comprehension he whips through things so fast I have no chance in remembering anything. Well fingers crossed I don’t muck up :-/ Sue x
A poignant piece, Sue, worthy of the nib and nom!
I have been having a few problems with spacing too, which is frustrating. Like you I am not very computer literate, but I’ll try & follow Gothicman’s instructions next time.
Eira
Thank you very much Eira that’s very kind of you.
The other site I’m on is so much easier, you have a choice of centred or not then you can just mess about with the layout, simple. Sue.
It looks simple but it’s deep. Walking the ways my heart cannot travel. Great line! Do we exist? In what is existence? I breathe so I be.
Thank you 🙂 I think we can exist in many time dimensions, past present and future, whether we are actually breathing in anything other than this well who knows. Sue.
Ah yes. It’s what poetry is all about.
Thank you very much Otreasaigh that’s a lovely compliment. Sue. 🙂