Other Paths.

I was listening to a song on the radio and one of the lines caught my attention, and this stemmed from there.

 

Pain stalked the 

remembering:

 

yet far more does the

knife wound the mind

in closing my door

to you.

 

What’s left is breathing

low, an attempt at non

existence.

You’re walking the ways

my heart cannot

travel.

 

Your direction is against

the winds, I can follow

no longer.

 

But still you call

to me….

 

And follow

I must.

© sweetwater 2023
Views: 3803
critique and comments welcome.
Subscribe
Notify of
17 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
elfstone

Poignant and deeply felt; I like this very much. May I suggest that –

yet far more does the
knife wound the mind
to close my door
to you.

– reads awkwardly. I wonder if inserting “in closing” in place of “to close” would help? I would also tweak the layout, but you know by now that that is one of my ‘things’. The layout of a poem is so important. For your consideration only and these points do not take away from the work. 🙂 Elfstone

ifyouplease

I agree with Elfstone 100 %, In closing is much better. A really good poem.

mikeverdi

This is one of your best Sue, I love it. I also found this site difficult to organise a layout on. I would suggest centering and trying to get rid of the unnecessary gaps. I’m going to nominate anyway.
Mike

capricorn

A poignant piece, Sue, worthy of the nib and nom!
I have been having a few problems with spacing too, which is frustrating. Like you I am not very computer literate, but I’ll try & follow Gothicman’s instructions next time.
Eira

gezz

It looks simple but it’s deep. Walking the ways my heart cannot travel. Great line! Do we exist? In what is existence? I breathe so I be.

Shackleton

Ah yes. It’s what poetry is all about.

Flag Content