Missing (Poetry Challenge)

Sorry no time so posting an old one

It was a strange sensation,
lying upside-down on a grass bank,
looking at the sun to see flying saucers. 
I remember a tear as they took you,
your face a back seat white spot.

I’ve watched the skies for your return,
my body has been snatched
but it still thinks and talks the same,
my skin is thin and easily peeled,
it would reveal a younger man than me.

Did you ever try to escape
or settle in some place with me erased,
an artist amongst the zebra
with too much water on your brush.

You will recognise me if you look,
I’m lying upside-down, staring at the sun
waiting for the same sensation.
My colours now are black and white,
the stripes remind me to forget.


 

© savvi 2020
Views: 1314
critique and comments welcome.
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Ionicus

Invaders from outer space and body snatchers, Keith? A possibility, some people think.
I am a bit confused by the ‘zebra’ reference.
Best, Luigi.

Sweetwater

Very interesting poem, the idea of alien abduction is very scary. At first I thought the person looking up was watching someone else being taken, but reading further I now think it was him, and he is speaking to himself, am I by any chance right or totally in the wrong orbit?

Nemo

A wonderful flight of imagination! I’m confused by ‘my body has been snatched.’ How many of you were abducted? And the artist’ bit. Grammatically it defers to ‘me’ the last person mentioned but I think you intend.to have us think it refers to the person returning. I’m confused. Some great phrases but the second half leaves floundering.
Best, Gerald.

Nemo

A lot hinges on ‘my body has been snatched’ and because what you mean isn’t instantly understood, I think it needs rephrasing to avoid ambiguity.
Gerald

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