Hear no Evil

A daft ditty concerning a pisspotical pirate and his profoundly deaf parrot

Pete the pirate was ashore on an exotic island enjoying a well earned break from pillaging, purloining and barbarous butchery. He came upon an emporium outside of which was perched the prettiest parrot he’d ever seen.

‘What price the pretty Parrot?’ he asked the owner.

‘Six silver shillings sir’ she said.

‘That’s cheap, what’s wrong with it?’

‘It’s deaf’ said the woman ‘but if you shout very loud it will eventually talk to you.’

‘What’ll it say then?’

‘Usually something bloodthirsty sir (Which was a lie) or biblical.’(Which was true)

Pete purchased the parrot. All the way home to Pirate land the bird uttered not a word. The pirate yelled ‘PRETTY POLLY’ every day for hours but the Macaw uttered nary a caw.

Back in his pirate’s palace one day Pete the pirate got paralytic and started screaming at the bird ‘I’m pretty peeved pal. Six shiny silver shillings and all I have to show is a shoulder full of parrot poo!’ He took the bird outside and, sitting it in the sunshine, he shouldered his shotgun and shot. Being pissed, he missed.

As he was re-fettling his fowling firearm he roared ‘better pray ‘ere ye perish pretty Polly parrot.’

The cringing creature covered its eyes with wobbly wings and wailed ‘Yeah, though I squawk through the valley of the shadow of deaf, yet will I hear no evil.’

Boom, boom! Well it is Christmas!