Broken Promise.

I wrote this in response to reading a poster about never giving up on your dreams.


The years walked away

left a promise un-kept,

to lie on paths unknown:

 

where your steps trod.

 

Where still they tread,

yet I shall never know

their fall.

 

© sweetwater 2020
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critique and comments welcome.
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Mitch

Ah, but what were your dreams, Sue? A good short piece but I felt it needed a bit more exploration on the theme but that’s just me greedily wanting the penny and the bun! Mitch

Ionicus

Hi, Sue. Trying not to be verbose and avoiding unnecessary words, is commendable but, in this instance, I think the poem needs to be more meaty.
Luigi x

Nemo

The angle I would recommend is that you don’t tell the reader what you want to say too early. Your title already says too much which is then repeated by line 2. Your sense of loss of what-might-have been would be best spelt out as indirectly as possible and kept to the end of the poem thereby making the reader do the work and feel your emotion. Have you read Slovitt’s ‘A Message in a Bottle’? I’m not saying his use of imagery is applicable to your theme but what he’s done is to build up, rather slyly in a… Read more »

Mikeverdi

Hi Sue, just on one of my “good days” I get the poem, and why it is what it is. Having read you for so long it’s easy for me. As always we can improve, be more articulate, find a better format. This one, as you have replied, says what’s on the tin as it were. I understand the well meant critique, after all I’ve given you enough HaHa! Think of it as a measure of how far you’ve come, and if people thought you worthless, they wouldn’t bother. Keep writing Sue
Mike XxX

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