Broken Promise.
I wrote this in response to reading a poster about never giving up on your dreams.
The years walked away
left a promise un-kept,
to lie on paths unknown:
where your steps trod.
Where still they tread,
yet I shall never know
their fall.
© sweetwater 2023
Views: 1842
Ah, but what were your dreams, Sue? A good short piece but I felt it needed a bit more exploration on the theme but that’s just me greedily wanting the penny and the bun! Mitch
Ah, that would be telling 😉 there’s a person involved 44 years and counting. Blame mikeverdi for the brevity haha. He’s taught me to lose excess words, and mostly it works better for me.
Many thanks for commenting Mitch, I wasn’t too sure about this one. Sue.
Hi, Sue. Trying not to be verbose and avoiding unnecessary words, is commendable but, in this instance, I think the poem needs to be more meaty.
Luigi x
Thank you Luigi, I can’t fill it out much, as it says all there is to say really.I had a dream at twenty, I still have that same dream, I finally realise it will never happen, but I still go on trying to realise it. Sue xx
The angle I would recommend is that you don’t tell the reader what you want to say too early. Your title already says too much which is then repeated by line 2. Your sense of loss of what-might-have been would be best spelt out as indirectly as possible and kept to the end of the poem thereby making the reader do the work and feel your emotion. Have you read Slovitt’s ‘A Message in a Bottle’? I’m not saying his use of imagery is applicable to your theme but what he’s done is to build up, rather slyly in a… Read more »
Thank you so much for such an in depth comment, I will look at ‘The Bottle’ as you suggest. I hadn’t intended this one to be more than a small cameo piece, a sort of ‘ well thats what happened to my dreams, they gave up on me’ in response to the poster. It was never intended to be a full blown informative piece, just a short, to the point statement. I do appreciate your interest, it was kind of you to offer suggestions. Thank you. 🙂 Sue.
Hi Sue, just on one of my “good days” I get the poem, and why it is what it is. Having read you for so long it’s easy for me. As always we can improve, be more articulate, find a better format. This one, as you have replied, says what’s on the tin as it were. I understand the well meant critique, after all I’ve given you enough HaHa! Think of it as a measure of how far you’ve come, and if people thought you worthless, they wouldn’t bother. Keep writing Sue
Mike XxX
Thank you for sharing this good day with me Mike, and making me feel that yes, someone understands this poem. As always you have been such a help to me, made me feel my writing has value and shown me the way forward. I wouldn’t have arrived where I am now without your teaching and I am very grateful.
Looking forward to seeing you posting some more of your work on here Mike, hopefully very soon, and you have far more good days, than not so good. Sending gratitude and very best wishes to you xx Sue.