I watched your
from a distance.
Through a looking glass,
a swarming swathe of silicon
perfect impermanent persona.
Heat treated imprints of sand,
Mostly memorable memories
there was a time
cliff edge convex
seen for miles.
way to behave.
But we were only twenty-five.
your shiny surface,
was only one
per cent silver,
as I get older
© swissterrace 2023
Fine sentiments, nicely expressed, as usual, Sue, but allow me to be critical about the line breaks of this poem. Most poets use enjambment which I suppose is what you intend. An enjambed line typically lacks punctuation at its line break, so the reader is carried smoothly and swiftly—without interruption—to the next line of the poem. Just breaking stanzas into single lines does not enhance the flow of the verse. I found a poem by Lucille Clifton which shows how to use lineation effectively. daughters woman who shines at the head of my grandmother’s bed, brilliant woman, i like to… Read more »
I’m not sure who sue is. Are you mistaking swissterrace aka myself with a female.
Thanks for the feedback. I tend to write the way I do not for any reason. I don’t like long strings of words. But thanks for the alternative way of writing this poem.
I am terribly sorry to have mistaken you, swissterrace, for sweetwater whose name is Sue and a female contributor. That is the problem with pseudonyms that don’t give any indication of gender and can easily be incorrectly read especially by an old codger like me. Of course, an author has his/her preferred writing style but I believe that a reader has to give honest feedback, give a constructive criticism which the author may accept or dismiss.
Kind regards, Luigi (also known as Ionicus)
I think this type of poetry is the most rewarding to read and gradually interpret meaning, or messaging, and here, for me, you’ve done an excellent job, it’s an intriguing read. Breaking lines up is often used to slow down the intake pace, to get deeper comprehension of each word or phrase as the poem progresses. I think though Luigi’s suggestion would give better overall effect without losing anything. I like the title and how you use it throughout the poem. If you don’t want to use an intro, then writing the whole poem below the dividing line would reduce… Read more »
Hi thanks for communicating your ideas etc. I think one or two words can mean so much. I like how words like gilt have interpretation attached to them. I love this as a title to this poem. I think if I tried to more words it would be too hard and frustrating. Thanks for the advice. Sue. I’m mean peter. No I mean Richard. I mean sue. Oh god I do have a split personality.
I found this poem to be full of a certain sadness, the kind that comes as we age and look back on memories but perhaps in a more realistic light than the intoxication of youth. The title is really good. I love good titles for they can sum up in one word basically the gist of the poem. What is gilt but a very thin veneer of something precious but easly tarnished. The short lines reflect the passing thoughts of the writer on drifting into memory. The repetition of the last two lines have power too as they can be… Read more »
Hello and thanks for taking the time to comment on my writing at this busy time of year. I appreciate the comments and the additional ideas you have provided. Poems are really just moments in time. A reflection on something that is expressed. I have no particular style or idea how to write a poem. They are a bit like a page of diary. That in the future someone somewhere might relate too. Thanks.