the lost scripts
I found the lost scripts,
each had a different notation,
varied words, but the gist
was the same, for they all
meant, we win as one
…
in every leaf, there is life,
volumes written, stories told
some fall, don’t get into the fold,
they nourish the tree too as they lie
…
An interesting piece, but I was distracted by the punctuation and its use/misuse. For example –
I found the lost scripts
they had different notation;
Should there be a comma, or a semi colon after scripts?
Perhaps this structure:
I found the lost scripts,
each a different notation…
But this is your piece, and I can only provide one opinion.
Thank you for the suggestion, yes, I think I made a mistake there. Will change later.
I think here you are probably hiding verses with those … or perhaps you are trying to make us feel how it felt to find lost scripts
we win as one but first we must gather and solidify our own fragmented identity, glue the parts because we are acting like broken toys.
the oneness is what you say in the last line and I would use too there
they nourish the tree too as they lie
Okay! Tell me one thing, will it be incorrect to say ‘they too nourish’? Isn’t the adverb ‘too’ an independent moneme? If so, I would like to take yours, but anyway, ‘too’ is definitely in. I agree with the first part of your comment too.
first of all I am notorious for breaking grammar rules in both languages I know to the point I no longer remember them, total disregard which sometimes makes me sorrowful since I used to be extremely good at going by the rules….. If you use too as I said it’s in the middle as a surprise and then as they lie becomes a big end even when you recite the poem, or should I say especially when you read it aloud. if you use it last, after lie it’s pointless doesn’t have any effect if you use it as you… Read more »
I totally get it. 🙂