Crackers about Easter

This morning I acquired a box of Easter Crackers. That’s right – Easter Crackers! I didn’t know there were such things. I certainly didn’t do it deliberately. I ordered two Easter cards for my grandchildren from Sainsbury’s. One had a picture of a bunny on the front, the other, baby chicks. The chicks arrived with the groceries, but no rabbit. Instead, they had sent me this box of crackers.

I haven’t even anyone to pull them with. There’s only the two of us, and you can’t sit there pulling crackers with your husband, when it isn’t even Christmas. You’d feel silly. Are we supposed to play with the plastic toys inside? If the grandchildren lived nearby – but they’re in Cirencester. We might manage to see them during the Easter holidays – then again, we might not.

Now, granted, I never ticked the ‘No substitutes’ box, but they are supposed to provide an item similar to the one ordered, which to me means another Easter card. Not a box of bloody crackers. What sort of person thinks that is the equivalent of a card? How am I supposed to post it? I would have to wrap it up and take it to the post office, and I can’t do with the hassle, not to mention the cost. I am furious with myself, that I did not notice until the delivery man had gone, and it was too late to hand the stupid things back. Now I’m stuck with them.

I don’t even like Christmas crackers much. They always promise more that they deliver, but they are part of the Christmas experience. They are sort of traditional, but these objects – they are just a cynical attempt to separate idiots from their money. Most of the Easter merchandise I can tolerate. Easter eggs – fine. Yummy. Easter cards – OK, they’re cheerful. But Easter crackers? No!

And what really gets up my nose is that I am now undoubtedly on Sainsbury’s database as someone who will buy any old rubbish. The only comfort I have is that the crackers cost a lot more than the card they replaced, and Sainsbury’s promise to refund the difference. So the mistake is costing them money. But for the next few years I will be bombarded by offers of ridiculously expensive tat. I don’t want it! I don’t want any of it! Sainsbury’s, I HATE YOU!!!