Your Laughter
The echoes of your laughter.
We never forget……
(experimental)
Late November, another rainfall record
I stand, watch our dogs circling the naked trees
(apple, pear, fig, acers and the mimosas)
Bear, a fallen feather tightly fanged,
Precious mined from the hibernating grass
Chester chasing panting full stretch
They plunge past through trimmed lavender stems,
Stand stilled beneath your cherry tree
Which in this dead desolate month
Tips heavy with unseasonal bloom,
As if it, its roots fed by your burnt bones,
Remembers you our constant Spring
Coiled ready for my call they watch
Me poised waiting for the breeze to shift
Lift East your blossoms essence steeping me
Once more your gardener heart pruned seeded
Another day lived without you with you
I whistle lips tuned by you they come
Infected by the echoes of your laughter
(original)
Late November, another record rainfall.
I stand, watch our dogs circling the naked trees
(apple, pear, fig, acers and the mimosas),
Bear, the possessor of a fallen feather,
Chased by Chester, panting full stretch.
They plunge past through trimmed lavender stems,
Stand stilled beneath your cherry tree,
Which in this dead desolate month
Tips heavy with unseasonal bloom,
As if it, its roots fed by your burnt bones,
Remembers you our constant Spring.
Coiled, ready for my call, they watch
Me poised waiting for the breeze to shift,
Lift East your blossoms, essence steeping me
Once more your gardener, heart pruned, seeded.
Another day lived without you, with you.
I whistle, lips tuned by you. They come
Infected by the echoes of your laughter.
TR, thanks so much for the read and the feedback. I posted the experimental version of the poem because the rhythm was so clear in my head I thought there was no need for punctuation as it progressed.
I have included the original now in the post. If you have time, please take a look and see if it flows and conveys the messaging better.
Bhi
TR,
you make and explain the distinction between writer and reader very well. I’m still learning to temper “the voice” to allow it to bridge the gap of what I am visualising and its stamp onto the page. A slow process at best!
Thank you for the Pick.
Regards, Bhi
Great poem, both versions. I feel the original is clearer but the flow is better in the experimental. I will be thinking about the unseasonal blooming of that cherry tree for a while.
CW, thanks for the comments. After I’d written the original I just felt the rhythm so vividly I stripped away most of the punctuation – wasn’t need and got in the way, to allow for the reader to create their own adaptations, especially the last stanza.
Glad to have left a trace with you!
Bhi