Vulnerability

 

No one can escape it,
it is always there,
a lurking ugly thing,
that keeps reminding you
of its existence,
threatening invariably
your life and whole existence:
Who shall find it out?
When will the whistle blow?
There is no one without
that secret that will certainly undo him,
and that is the only thing
to reasonably be afraid of.

So let’s not try to analyze
or to define it further,
but let everyone alone
in peace with that one secret
which you only know yourself.

 

© aurelio 2020
Views: 112
critique and comments welcome.
Subscribe
Notify of
3 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Gammon
1 month ago

Hello, Aurelio.

I’ve made this point before, but I will say it again.

You would be a much better writer if you didn’t use so many adjectives and adverbs.

Adverbs in particular ruin poetry, they kill it. They are unpoetic and usually unnecessary. They give too much, and too literal, information. It would be better to replace them with some kind of comparison or metaphor, or just leave them out completely.

Here you have ‘invariably’, ‘certainly’, and ‘reasonably’. None of these are needed.

Coolhermit
1 month ago
Reply to  Gammon

I like the poem however it lacks a focus – feels like the first draft where the writer gets it ‘out of their system’ and then the real work of poetry starts in earnest. Regarding adjectives: Ezra Pound told Ernest Hemingway to “distrust adjectives”. He felt that they could be a hindrance and that they could infect a writer, ruining his work with superflous (sic), corrupting influences. ps I used to host a poetry group – not an open-mic but a bring summat, read and listen to comments and critiques – nothing harsh – genuine encouragement. It soon fell away… Read more »

Flag Content