First Song.
3am and a lone voice
begins to tweak the air.
A drowsy-eyed dawn
slowly blinks away the
darker shades of night,
filigree fingers draw
puddles of opal grey across
the fresh set canvas,
of a day barely born.
© sweetwater 2023
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3am and a lone voice
begins to tweak the air.
A drowsy-eyed dawn
slowly blinks away the
darker shades of night,
filigree fingers draw
puddles of opal grey across
the fresh set canvas,
of a day barely born.
I like this, Sue. The key here is brevity – so much contained in few lines and lots not said. One suggestion, two adverbs in the last two lines? Maybe ‘fresh set’ rather than freshly? The ‘barely’ is unavoidable and is right for the piece.
Cheers,
Jim
Hi Jim, yes I see it now, thank you I was so busy picking holes in the rest of it I didn’t notice I had done that.
It’s one of those that continues to niggle however much you tinker with it so I thought it best to stop where I did.
Very grateful you read it and liked it and have also given me some good advice.
sue.
Nice one Sue,
Thank you very much Luigi. 🙂
Delicate wording that I’m used to by now. Very nice write. Thanks!
Thank you, so pleased you read it and left a comment.
It’s all due to the help and advice Mikeverdi gave me, I still hear him saying ‘cut out all unecessary words’. 🙂 sue.
Hi Sue, short, sweet and to the point as usual,
be lucky,
Peter xx
Hi Peter, lovely to hear from you.
Thank you for such a kind comment. sue x