Girl

poem


Woke early, rose

Worked on a poem

2 cups of coffee

On repeat St. Vincent

Went to wake you

A cup of hot, black coffee

In hand, you pulled

The covers over your blond head

I slipped out of jeans

Under the sheets

Lay on your bare bottom

Gently moved, slowly

Now your ass moved with me

You turned over, face

A laughing sun

© slovitt 2020
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critique and comments welcome.
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Ifyouplease

only thing i didn’t really like was ‘ass’
you already mention bottom

you could use another term. such as pelvis. moved appears twice too close.

nice sensual poem without ‘ass’ it would be nicer.

Ifyouplease

well dear sir, my relaxation is irrelevant.
English vocabulary is rich enough, just saying “ass” saves you from a lot of trouble, which means it’s the easy way out, now you managed to seem eager to write a poem that is not written based on ‘an easy way to describe’ the repetition of the verb move, however, and the plain and even now quite vulgar word ‘ass’ unfortunately ruined your initial attempt.

i am certain there is a better way to write these lines. this poem has potential.

cheers!

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