White blank page

White blank page.

Once again I have nobody to talk to

And once again I tell it to the page

The one voice that could help see me through

Left this world, left the confines of my cage

I say my cage but it is not mine

Never was I realised from an early age

Not my home nor is it my place in time

So I hammer at these confines unable to suppress my rage

Superficially I seem calm, I may seem completely fine

But I am a prisoner, weary and alone and my soul is splintered with age

There is no breach, no crumbling outlet so of course I must endure

Yet I cannot shun either dark nor light, they cradle beauty and woe to redeem my heart thus keep it true and pure

© Raistlinrev 2020
Views: 1745
critique and comments welcome.
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Savvi

Hi Raist This is quite dark, emotional poem that conveys a sense of despair, I enjoyed the setup of the piece and the burst of light / hope at the end. Some comments that I think could help improve the poem. I like the ABAB structure but to improve the quality of flow you need a consistent meter at least between the paired lines. The end lines feel rushed and need an even meter bring out the hope at the end, this felt important to me as a reader, so it needs to be clearer. Hope this helps if not… Read more »

Savvi

I understand, this should probably have been written as free verse as the end rhymes hold you to a structure that can sometimes make the words seem forced and thus limit what you are trying to say, you could try writing it as free verse see what happens, internal rhymes can be just as poetic as end rhymes and imho they help the reader find the rhythm of the piece. Best Keith

Stormwolf

Hi there,
I agree with Savvi. You have real potential and I felt the emotions and the frustration of not fitting in but having to pretend to, to get by.
Welcome to my world! lol 😉
Welcome to UkA as well
. Alison x

Sweetwater

Hi, I really enjoyed this poem it held a story full of emotion, the line ‘Not my home nor is it my place in time’ really connected with me as it conveys perfectly how I have felt since I was twelve.
Keep writing and submitting I shall look forward to reading more of your work. Sue 🙂

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