White blank page
White blank page.
Once again I have nobody to talk to
And once again I tell it to the page
The one voice that could help see me through
Left this world, left the confines of my cage
I say my cage but it is not mine
Never was I realised from an early age
Not my home nor is it my place in time
So I hammer at these confines unable to suppress my rage
Superficially I seem calm, I may seem completely fine
But I am a prisoner, weary and alone and my soul is splintered with age
There is no breach, no crumbling outlet so of course I must endure
Yet I cannot shun either dark nor light, they cradle beauty and woe to redeem my heart thus keep it true and pure
© Raistlinrev 2023
Hi Raist This is quite dark, emotional poem that conveys a sense of despair, I enjoyed the setup of the piece and the burst of light / hope at the end. Some comments that I think could help improve the poem. I like the ABAB structure but to improve the quality of flow you need a consistent meter at least between the paired lines. The end lines feel rushed and need an even meter bring out the hope at the end, this felt important to me as a reader, so it needs to be clearer. Hope this helps if not… Read more »
It helps indeed, thank you. I’ve only been writing for just over a year so I have a great deal to learn. I felt that was so but could see no way I could deal with the issue and still maintain the emotion I wished to convey. Dave.
I understand, this should probably have been written as free verse as the end rhymes hold you to a structure that can sometimes make the words seem forced and thus limit what you are trying to say, you could try writing it as free verse see what happens, internal rhymes can be just as poetic as end rhymes and imho they help the reader find the rhythm of the piece. Best Keith
I agree with Savvi. You have real potential and I felt the emotions and the frustration of not fitting in but having to pretend to, to get by.
Welcome to my world! lol 😉
Welcome to UkA as well
. Alison x
Thank you I appreciate the warm welcome and the feedback so rare for me. Dave.
Hi, I really enjoyed this poem it held a story full of emotion, the line ‘Not my home nor is it my place in time’ really connected with me as it conveys perfectly how I have felt since I was twelve.
Keep writing and submitting I shall look forward to reading more of your work. Sue 🙂
Thank you. This is a more recent poem though I am working on a novel. Everything I submit here can also be found on my blog or Facebook page
Thanks for your kind words. Dave.