No Blandish for Miss Orchids.

A Blandish was recently put up for sale on E/Bay. Offers rose in just 30 minutes to over four thousand pounds before E/Bay were forced to withdraw it from sale. The Blandish is not legal in the U/K at the present time.
However it is thought that this decision is currently under discussion. 


No Blandish for Miss Orchids,
These words just bring such pain.
No Blandish for Miss Orchids,
Does she just wait in vain?

Her Friends have now all got one.
And they always bring such glee.
But No Blandish for Miss Orchids,
Why does this have to be?

She knows about the Blandish
The things that it can do—
The Blandish is so versatile
And does amazing things for you.

The girls don’t come around much now,
Just too busy with their thing—
But Miss Orchids knows their progress,
And the wonders it can bring.

Miss Orchids was now desperate
Eyes never left her gate—
Friends won’t share their Blandish.
She must bear the pain and wait.

But then the magic day arrived,
The postman she did spy—
Walking down her garden path,
With a twinkle in his eye.

Miss Orchids hand was shaking
As the form she tried to sign.
Then she gently took the box,
“At last, at last it’s mine”.

She carefully unwrapped the box,
And the Blandish came in view.
She just sat down and stared at it,
Her prayers had all come true.

No more drugs or drinking—
No more men, or fear.
No more doubts or sorrow,
Her heaven is now here.

So Miss Orchids has her Blandish now,
It’s resting in her hand.
Miss Orchid has her Blandish now,
Isn’t life just grand?

A dear friend of mine worked on the original development
of the Blandish. He has a prototype, which he is prepared
to put up for offer. So Ladies here is perhaps your only chance to own one.
Send full length picture of yourself (you know what kind)
Stating just what you are prepared to offer.

All sensible offers will be considered.

Copyright GF 2004.


© gerry 2023
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In answer to Gothicman query, the transposition in the title from ‘No Orchids for Miss Blandish’ to ‘No Blandish for Miss Orchids’ should have been a clue to the poem being a parody. There is such a word as blandish, not a noun but a verb, which the Merriam-Webster dictionary describes as follows: transitive verb : to coax with flattery : cajole intransitive verb : to act or speak in a flattering or coaxing manner. In the context of the poem it could be interpreted as Miss Orchids not being the recipient of flattery and being envious of all her… Read more »

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