The bliss of silence

 

When you are tortured day and night

by the horrendous noise of man

in this destructive vanity of egoism

destroying every city by pollution,

there can only be one dream of paradise,

and that is silence.

Silence, please! I cannot live without it,

noise is paralyzing and a killing nightmare,

while in silence only

you can hear the music of eternity,

a music of a kind too fine

to be perceived by any hearing

in transcendence of all human sense.

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© lailaroth 2020
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critique and comments welcome.
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Ionicus

I have read all your contributions so far and I would dearly love to give you helpful feedback but the only thought that comes to mind is that you are trying too hard to make philosophical points.
Make it simpler and more to the point.
In this composition the correlation between noise and silence is badly handled. I would look critically at the first six lines with a view to amending them.
Good luck.

Nemo

I would suggest you try another approach to the way you write. You clearly have some feelings and anxieties you wish to share but they need to be implied and not spelt out. Sometimes the readers feels you are lecturing or just ranting about your feelings or thoughts. In poetry i think it is better to create a scene, a description, a narrative. Your feelings and thoughts will be deduced by the reader from your use of language rather than being told. Use short lines, avoid long sentences, divide your poem into stanzas or provide breaks in the development.

Mikeverdi

Agree with the comments you’ve had. The need to express your feelings is what poetry/prose is all about, however you need to compose your writing into a format that encourages the reader to join you. You clearly have a lot to say, and can say it well. I’m sure you will attract more readers if you try the well ment advice and critique.
In friendship
Mike

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