Silence not of the ear,
but the soul hangs like a
promise in the air.
In muted voice, bright
leaves whisper, as rain
scatters satin tears upon
the day, and every path
becomes a secret
waiting to be found.
© sweetwater 2023
nice poem, very interesting ending, for some reason “waiting” was not the verb i’d like to see there, in fact i wouldn’t choose a verb, i’d say ” becomes a secret, available to be found “
Hi Ifyouplease thank you for the suggestion it’s an interesting thought, the path’s I was looking at were totally covered with deep leaves as was the grass either side, and completely hidden, they were there just waiting to be found, so I thought ‘waiting’ was what I wanted to put. I feel ‘available’ doesn’t really fit with the ‘soft’ quality of the whole poem, it reminds me of something ‘ in the shops available to buy now’ if you see what I mean. But I will give it a lot of thought, as I appreciate you offering advice. 🙂 Sue.
i know it’s the first thing that pops ups in our mind, “waiting” but what is waiting is what is available. isn’t it? i like the soft quality, the satin tears make sure your poem is softly qualified. i want us female poets to use both sides, the soft and hard aspects of poetry. because we can do it better than men who sound effeminate if they use the soft side but we sound poetically indestructible when we our conclusions are hard, not that many modern male poets know how to be hard without sounding childish or harsh but that’s… Read more »
You have a very good point, and I can be hard hitting when the poem calls for it. I don’t think waiting is quite the same as available, I have 2 foxes and 4 badgers that wait for me every night, but they are not available to me. 🙂 Sue.
Hello Sue, just a thought on this one. I know you’ve already had critique but…. rain drops has an almost double meaning…Maybe rain scattered instead? As always it’s just a thought
Mike! You are a genius thank you. I have tried drops with and without the apostrophy, I tried every other word I could think of too, as I wasn’t happy with drops for the reason you mentioned, but I didn’t think of scattered! That is perfect. Thank goodness you commented :-)) Thank you very much, I will grab it immediately. Sue xxx
Mike, yep, definitely better xx
Excellent scene painting, Sue. I think it should be ‘rains scatters satin tears … present tense in keeping with the tense of the rest of the piece.
Thank you Gerald It’s very kind of you to say that and it is much appreciated, I’m really pleased you like it. 🙂 I shall be changing the word as suggested. Sue xx.
Much appreciate your comments Trevor, I shall re-read them quite a lot I suspect, although I enjoyed English at school, I never really took the basics on board for some reason, bad teacher or bad pupil? I would say the latter sadly. And now that I really need the knowledge it will not sink in. But I do agree with you about changing it to scatters, and will add the ‘s’. I am very pleased you enjoyed reading it although it was rather short, I seem to be going down that route now for some reason. the next one is… Read more »