Don’t Grieve Too Long

My first bit of inspiration for a long time now.


 

Don’t grieve too long, my darling,
there’s a world where flowers grow,
and you have tarried much too long
veiled by the crystalled snow.

Don’t linger in the twilight
where the darkness clouds your mind –
return to where the sky is bright,
boundless and unconfined.

Don’t be afraid, my darling,
to go where the children play
below the burnished, golden sun –
walk in the light of day.

Don’t grieve too long, my darling,
in a place where life is done –
behold the splendour of the world,
 dancing beneath the sun.

© valdohren 2020
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critique and comments welcome.
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Sweetwater

Beautiful Val, a deeply meaningful poem for a loved one, lost. I loved ‘beveiled’ especially. Sue x

Stormwolf

To me it is the advice of a loved one to throw off their ‘widow’s weeds’ The ultimate act of love.
Good to have you posting again.
Alison x

Stormwolf

Excellent! You will have to repost them here.;-)
I am going through my archives with new eyes and hopefully making amendments for improvement as we are always evolving, although some will always stay the same.
It’s good to make a fresh start.
Alison x

Leila

Lovely Val, I read it as the deceased’s advice to the one left behind…Leila x

Stormwolf

Excuse me commenting again Val but I think that would be an excellent amendment personally speaking.
it will make the poem!
Alison x

Stormwolf

It has now become a classic.
This will bring comfort to many who are bereaved.
(Of course, only at a stage when they can even think on such things.)

‘Don’t be afraid, my darling,
to go where the children play
under the burnished, golden sun –
slip into the light of day.’

A very worthwhile nomination from me and into faves.
I would think about sending it off to bereavement counsellors etc
Alison x

Leila

Val great decision, really works x

 <span title="New Commenter" style="font-size : small; color: blue;">*</span><p>

Perhaps “unbound” instead of “unbounded” and “beneath” instead of “underneath”?

For metric reasons…

 <span title="New Commenter" style="font-size : small; color: blue;">*</span><p>

I think your original instinct was the right one. By adding extra syllables to these two lines, you are making them irregular and clumsy, upsetting the iambic flow. Thus: unbounded and unconfined – / – – / – / and walk underneath the sun – / – – / – / So, you have placed an anapaestic foot between two iambic ones. That would be OK if the whole poem was like that, but it’s mostly in a regular iambic rhythm, so the more you upset this rhythm, the more it sticks out. It’s unnecessary to do so anyway. The… Read more »

Stormwolf

Val, I am in total agreement with Archie . I know how fastideous you are about your work and I too, felt the rhythm stumbled ever so slightly there. However, I am very much an amatuer, and so managed to recite it out loud to cover it but now it is perfect. Isn’t it a great site where we can post our work and have it honed to perfection? Those not open to genuine crit shoot themslves in the foot. Again, a really moving poem that does you proud. I hope you now see you are anything other than “boring… Read more »

Slovitt

Val: low-key, and with wisdom. good poem. Swep

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