Don’t Grieve Too Long
My first bit of inspiration for a long time now.
Don’t grieve too long, my darling,
there’s a world where flowers grow,
and you have tarried much too long
veiled by the crystalled snow.
Don’t linger in the twilight
where the darkness clouds your mind –
return to where the sky is bright,
boundless and unconfined.
Don’t be afraid, my darling,
to go where the children play
below the burnished, golden sun –
walk in the light of day.
Don’t grieve too long, my darling,
in a place where life is done –
behold the splendour of the world,
dancing beneath the sun.
© valdohren 2023
Views: 2257
Beautiful Val, a deeply meaningful poem for a loved one, lost. I loved ‘beveiled’ especially. Sue x
Thank you Sue for reading and commenting. The jury is still out re this site, still trying to navigate my way around it.
Val xx
To me it is the advice of a loved one to throw off their ‘widow’s weeds’ The ultimate act of love.
Good to have you posting again.
Alison x
Thanks Alison. Yes, it could be interpreted that way, though it is more of an appeal from the bereaved. Released a couple of old ones remaining in storage on the old UKA, so I guess that’s it as far as that site is concerned. I did get a nib and a nom for one of them, so went out with a bang rather than a whimper !
Val xx
Excellent! You will have to repost them here.;-)
I am going through my archives with new eyes and hopefully making amendments for improvement as we are always evolving, although some will always stay the same.
It’s good to make a fresh start.
Alison x
Lovely Val, I read it as the deceased’s advice to the one left behind…Leila x
Thank you for reading Leila. If this is the way it comes across, perhaps ‘rest’ should be changed to ‘grieve’?
Val x
Excuse me commenting again Val but I think that would be an excellent amendment personally speaking.
it will make the poem!
Alison x
Thank you Alison, your advice is always welcome, and I will make that change.
Val x
It has now become a classic.
This will bring comfort to many who are bereaved.
(Of course, only at a stage when they can even think on such things.)
‘Don’t be afraid, my darling,
to go where the children play
under the burnished, golden sun –
slip into the light of day.’
A very worthwhile nomination from me and into faves.
I would think about sending it off to bereavement counsellors etc
Alison x
Thank you so much for the nom Alison – really didn’t think it was much good, just another boring old Val write ! Am absolutely delighted. {{{hugs}}}.
Val x
Val great decision, really works x
Thank you again Leila, much appreciated.
Val x
Perhaps “unbound” instead of “unbounded” and “beneath” instead of “underneath”?
For metric reasons…
Thank you Archiemac for reading and commenting. I had in fact used the words you have suggested in the original draft but changed them for metric/syllable count reasons to how it is now – maybe it is down to how one reads it. I am not sure now whether to stick or change – perhaps just wait and see if anyone else reads and gives an opinion on it. I will certainly give it some further thought, and thank you for your considered advice.
Val
I think your original instinct was the right one. By adding extra syllables to these two lines, you are making them irregular and clumsy, upsetting the iambic flow. Thus: unbounded and unconfined – / – – / – / and walk underneath the sun – / – – / – / So, you have placed an anapaestic foot between two iambic ones. That would be OK if the whole poem was like that, but it’s mostly in a regular iambic rhythm, so the more you upset this rhythm, the more it sticks out. It’s unnecessary to do so anyway. The… Read more »
Okay Archie, I have also done some further revisions. Hope this flows better, and that Alison is okay with the changes given her nom.
Val, I am in total agreement with Archie . I know how fastideous you are about your work and I too, felt the rhythm stumbled ever so slightly there. However, I am very much an amatuer, and so managed to recite it out loud to cover it but now it is perfect. Isn’t it a great site where we can post our work and have it honed to perfection? Those not open to genuine crit shoot themslves in the foot. Again, a really moving poem that does you proud. I hope you now see you are anything other than “boring… Read more »
Hi again Alison. Thanks for looking in again. Yes, it is great when constructive advice is given so that we can improve on our work. I think it does read better now. Thanks also for your encouragement and kind words.
Val xx
Val: low-key, and with wisdom. good poem. Swep
Thanks you Swep, appreciate you reading and commenting.
Val