UKArchive ID: 35791I'm Fantastic by
Originally published on November 13, 2015 in Poetry    

An excellent poem about how brilliant my poetry is. My audiences can't get enough of it!

She walked up to me
At the bar
And said, "That was amazing!"

I said, "Yes,
I know."

Later that evening
My uncle ate a Pot Noodle
And then fell off his chair.

There was a cushion on the floor.

"Read me some more
Of your fascinating poetry, Nephew!"
He smiled,
With a little bit of Pot Noodle
Still there
On his knee.

© (Cunthelmet on OLD UKA)
UKArchive ID: 35791
Archived comments for I'm Fantastic
Nomenklatura on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
Behave yourself, Ah Chi!
Anyway, you're not fantastic, I am!

Author's Reply:
What do you mean, I'm not fantastic? I'll have you know that I most certainly am!

You should see the punters in the pub where I perform! They love me!

I think I would sooner trust their opinion than yours, whoever you are.

Get an education and find out what real poetry is!

stormwolf on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
Hello there
You have put critique / comments welcome so if I may be so bold as to suggest a couple of things I felt were missing? I hope you will pardon my impertinence to have an opinion.
It's probably my own ignorance when faced with such outstanding talent but
why did your uncle fall off his chair? And what flavour was the Pot Noodle?
This is surely one for the anthology, certainly a unique treat to read.
Alison X

Author's Reply:
It should be blindingly obvious that the Pot Noodle in question was chicken and mushroom flavour, and that my uncle fell off his chair because I was reading him some of my poetry, the excellence of which caused him to lose his balance.

I asked for genuine critique, not ignorant abuse like this. How dare you be so insulting.

I don't like this website very much to be honest, and you people should be careful, because if I continue to receive abuse like this, then I will delete my poetry from the site and never come back.


gwirionedd on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
I agree with Alison. I think it could do with a little bit more work, as in maybe a bit more information about the uncle or the Pot Noodle. But otherwise, first-class work, Cunthelmet!

Author's Reply:
How dare you! I'm really losing my patience with this website now. You and the other two terrible human beings who have commented on my work so far, are really ruining my experience here.

Please do not comment on my work again.

Cunthelmet on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
I think it's really interesting, the way I describe the cushion being on the floor.

Author's Reply:

Cunthelmet on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
However, the detail with which I describe the Pot Noodle is possibly even more interesting.

Author's Reply:

Cunthelmet on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
Yes, and also the description of the uncle falling off his chair. The punters love that bit!

It is quite excellent.

I will have to give it full marks. Ten out of ten from me!

Author's Reply:

shadow on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
I am overcome with admiration for this awesome display of natural talent. Though indeed this exquisite gem raises as may questions as it answers. Who, one asks, is the enigmatic 'she' of the first line?

Author's Reply:
At last! Some honest critique.

The enigmatic "she" is a beautiful, voluptuous woman in the audience of one of my poetry gigs, who could see how talented I am.

We chatted for over an hour about my poetry and about me.

Bozzz on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
Waste of time and energy - a poor joke. Please do not waste your priceless time and my own worthless time by replying. Bozzz

Author's Reply:
A joke?

This is culture, sir!

Cunthelmet on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
I just wanted to say that this poem is BRILLIANT.

Author's Reply:

Andrea on 13-11-2015
Im Fantastic
Dear Mr Helmet.

As one who writes the most amazing (as in 'that was amazing'! doggerel, I take issue with your cushion. What, pray, was it doing on the floor? Furthermore, how did the Pot Noodle get on his knee?

Clarification is sorely needed, and forthwith, if not immediately!

Author's Reply:


sweetwater on 14-11-2015
Im Fantastic
After I had managed to get past your ' name ' I see they let the 'C' word in anywhere now sadly. Unless my brain fell out a few days ago I assume this name is a very poor taste joke. Right seriously now for the submission, you say the pot noodle was still on his knee, after he fell off the chair, well if it wasn't on his knee before he fell, how can it STILL be on his knee afterwards? Just wondering as you asked for critique.

Author's Reply:

Mikeverdi on 14-11-2015
Im Fantastic
I am aware of the direction this pointless piece is aimed, however I had thought we had all said our bit on the day. Whatever your personal thoughts on his poetry others like it, as demonstrated by readership and accolades. Just because a member fucks up occationaly, we don't all need to jump on board way past the tell by date. The site needs it's writers, especially good ones. This includes you and your target, if you don't like the poetry....don't read or comment on it. I'm sure this can work for both of you.

Author's Reply:
No, Sir. You thought wrong.


ValDohren on 14-11-2015
Im Fantastic
What's the name of, and where is the pub where you perform - just so that I can avoid it !!

Author's Reply:
It's called the Cunt and Helmet. In Hull.

pommer on 15-11-2015
Im Fantastic
No comment. Peter.

Author's Reply: