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jamalbbd's (jamalbbd on UKA) UKArchive
46 Archived submissions found.
Title
The white rose (posted on: 29-07-16)
The white rose

I shall always remember, the white rose, In the barren croft, Where I was designed to sit On a stone, grey, mossy and soft. I never rose, As long as I can recollect, Untroubled, Untroubling, Forsaken to watch it, White beauty with pride, Resting for a while, High above the mirthful green tide; Vigil beauty in royal style, Before starting to wither, This peaceful flower, Each spring season, For decades, taught me without reason, To feel, live and die, O, that power will never be mine, Though I can't weep or cry, None could tell a tear was it or dew? On the cheek of mine, the statue.
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To Thee (posted on: 03-06-16)
To thee, in isolation I remember my perversity I buried my passion, that day, couldn't forget,

To thee, in isolation I remember my perversity I buried my passion, that day, couldn't forget, An unintelligible sacrifice taught me thee to advise; How thou looked analyzing my artificial cruelty; Listened seeking a translation of my feverish attempt, If only I thought, my love endurance would leaned to pity My heart, soul and my craving to thy sweet presence. "leave with him" I persuaded thee with inept lies, My reason conquered the argument, pacified my heart, Till thou stood and walked through furious gentleness, Leaving me to my triumphed defeat in loneliness, Now, I feel the warmth of thy tears on my cheeks, From my veins, I know, a sincere secret leaks For I surely believe, thou are my precious eyes.
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I Hear You (posted on: 03-06-16)
I hear you, At times of silence, Whispering in my world

I hear you, At times of silence, Whispering in my world And echoes murmur, Deep in my chest, Before they rest, Evidence Of your presence Strums my vocal cords, Sweet words, A heritage Of our love age, And nothing more, Than your shadow At the door, Dancing; Singing; A song we loved, Sang, dreamed and slept, Now alone to be left. You are dead, I didn't expect, Had it happened? Before we kissed, Had I imagined? Or had it been your scent?
Archived comments for I Hear You
chant_z on 03-06-2016
I Hear You
very poignant piece. As for form, it seems to fit into the entire thing.

Author's Reply:
thanks for your nice words.Jamal.

sweetwater on 03-06-2016
I Hear You
Heartache and longing throughout this lovely poem. Sue.

Author's Reply:
thanks Sue.I highly appreciate your words.

Mikeverdi on 05-06-2016
I Hear You
I agree, the words are poignant. Nothing more than your shadow at the door....beautiful.
On the critique side, I would like more punctuation. This is just me I expect being old fashioned. I just like the separation.
Mike

Author's Reply:
I agree with you about punctuation. Thanks.


If you love me (posted on: 09-05-16)
If you love me this way, starting silence, Muting my affection , my love impatience,

If you love me this way, starting silence, Muting my affection , my love impatience, Yet you wish to be close to me anywhere, Denying sense of my unpredictable presence, The spears of a riddle shalt sound fair. Why does your tongue curtain your delight? Why your eyes in wonder in the celebrating light? Why does your trust brood about love in doubt? Why a repressed sigh on lips of calm sight? Why a soul of fruitful faith in seasons of drought? O, love; father of woman & woman's flawless son Thou art nailed in neutral world of negligence, Haunted by schemes of fears of thy intelligence, But all what words can foster can be purely done, When love rises and pleases us with evidence.
Archived comments for If you love me
pdemitchell on 11-05-2016
If you love me
A difficult rhyme format well tackled but the middle verse all lines beginning with why is clunky and 'lips of clear sight' is a forced rhyme that makes no sense to me alas. Mixing archaic forms as thy and thee for your and you also clashes as well though many poets use them for erffect. Good stuff however... Mitch

Author's Reply:
I truly appreciate your words which will be taken into consideration. thanks for your time and comment.

sweetwater on 13-05-2016
If you love me
I like this very, very much, I really enjoy reading this type of poem, one has to really 'read' it and almost be absorbed into it. It has a Shakespearien quality to it. My favourite is the last verse, the two last lines especially. Sue.

Author's Reply:
thanks Sue, I truly enjoy the way you see my work. Jamal.


Love (posted on: 15-04-16)
O, love of the mighty power

O, love of the mighty power By hatred, perpetually, Thou art defeated, Then thou cower Naturally, In thy cocooned safety, humbly satiated, Thou never strive To divulge schemes to survive, Or there none of them to try Conversant with god's will Thy secrets linger tacit and still Yielding with wordless skill Ready to die; Evil which may satisfy, Thou resurrect a comely butterfly
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I wish (posted on: 01-04-16)
I ask nothing for myself indeed, Composed of tranquil days I need,

I ask nothing for myself indeed, Composed of tranquil days I need, Thus satisfied, I dissolve in joys Yet love has its own ardent greed, Only one wish my content destroys Every day, I wish, and feel so wise, To be absent, yet so close in disguise; In thy time, I wish to be thy eyes Thus at night, when thou to bed creep And eyelids of thine twins hug and keep In everlasting blessings, I sleep. Unnoticed, in deep darkness, l dare Share thy sweet love dreams in care Of mighty desire; The eyes require. Quenching my captivated heart fire, In thy lucidity, then I shall safely live, If only heavens pity me and my wish give.
Archived comments for I wish
Supratik on 01-04-2016
I wish
Expressions like thy thou are quite archaic now. Of course it's the poet's choice. But I liked the thought behind the poem. Supratik

Author's Reply:
Thank you for your kind words. Jamal.

pdemitchell on 03-04-2016
I wish
Wonderful work in a second language, Jamal, but Supratik is right as thee, thou and thy are indeed archaic and don't flow in the context of more modern forms of poetry but if you're happy then I'm happy too. Well done. Mitch

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mitch; I can't help using these archaic words. no particular reasons indeed, but I feel they are more poetic. Jamal.

sweetwater on 03-04-2016
I wish
I am not one of those that dislike these old fashioned words, in fact I love this poem, it has the feel of the most romantic of old fashioned English poets. And I think this type of poetry still has a place in our modern world.
I shall look forward in hope of reading more of them from you. Sue.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Sue. I shall look forward in hope of writing more of them for you.Jamal.


immigration (posted on: 25-03-16)
Migrate, my heart, immigrate In the journey through days and fate

Migrate, my heart, immigrate In the journey through days and fate. And plant lovely dreams Flowing sweetly along warm streams. And fly between my soul and memory In my lonely simple story. Thou have similar backgrounds pattern; Thou throb and my life beats in turn; Revealing trivial meanings of glory, Pride, dignity and sham human victory, I saw me in the word 'habit'; Times' humiliated puppet, Clinging to future world's prophecy Living deadly in loyal hypocrisy.
Archived comments for immigration
Mikeverdi on 25-03-2016
immigration
I like this, however...I feel it would benefit from a prune and better lay out. Maybe too many words are jumbling what you are trying to express. The word 'and' at the beginning of lines three and five could go, for me they are not needed. A couple of breaks would ease the flow and define the writing.
Please be assured I still enjoyed the read, and after all its your work, and only my opinion. Others may differ.
In friendship
Mike

Author's Reply:
I highly appreciate your opinion. thanks for sharing.

pdemitchell on 25-03-2016
immigration
Hi Jamal - this is good but I do agree that a small edit would make it even more powerful. I am not sure why you use the archaic 'thou' instead of 'you' here as it it distracted me from really appreciating the piece. Paul

Author's Reply:
Thanks Paul for your kind words.... I truly don't know why I always prefer to use 'thou' instead of 'you'. Jamal.

Bozzz on 27-03-2016
immigration
Jamal, your crisp words 'loyal hypocrisy' bite like the sting of an asp - brilliant and so true in the lives of us all at some stage. A good poem Sir, emotional without being tragic. My best, David

Author's Reply:
thank you david for your comment, which I always enjoy reading.Jamal.

sweetwater on 27-03-2016
immigration
I enjoyed this very much, I love your choice of words for the first six lines especially, they hold real poetic beauty. To me the rest of the verse was worded in a completely different style, so perhaps if you separated it into two verses. Then the 'thou' ( which would work perfectly had the whole poem been as the first six lines ) would work better as 'you'. Just a thought πŸ™‚ Sue.

Author's Reply:
thank you Sue, I truly appreciate your comment and will take take into consideration. jamal.


Sweetheart (posted on: 01-02-16)
I still wait for her every night

July 21, 2015 I still wait for her every night, Watching the stars with blue light, One is still missing, and might have right, Sometimes, roaming places, kindling a game, My eyes know her unseen delight, And I enjoy her playful absence the same, Where I'm always fixed close to my heart, In perpetual worry that she might Discover that I know not her name.
Archived comments for Sweetheart
sweetwater on 02-02-2016
Sweetheart
Beautiful, and intriguing poem. Sue.

Author's Reply:
thank you, I'm truly grateful for your support.


Adieu (posted on: 18-01-16)
Adieu my year, false time's promises,

December 23rd /2013. Cold evening puckered the mist in the vale, And the lake lifted its water particles, Closer to the moon in desire, Clear pearls clinched pebbles; Clear pebbles grasped the pearls, While nightingales surrendered to gravity, Singing a melody tuned to eternity, Somewhere in the woods, in December; The owl stared into serenity, Her eyes in bedimmed timber Blazed steadily, holes of fire; Watching coincidence, fate and future; Like time, hunting a solitary creature, Adieu my year, false time's promises, My fears, courage and sacrifices, My heart, extinguished dreams, My attenuated hopes and faint beams Of many things I can't remember, And those, I absorb alone in my chamber.
Archived comments for Adieu
e-griff on 18-01-2016
Adieu
I see that this was written on my birthday. πŸ™‚

Much is good,but I think the repeated "clear" doesn't fit, and overall I'd suggest rewriting it without the rhymes, which are sporadic enough to distract and include words like 'beam' which I suspect was picked for rhyme not meaning. Try it in blank verse and see. It could br very effective in my view. Just a thought.

Author's Reply:

sweetwater on 19-01-2016
Adieu
Ahh, my type of poetry, I was totally lost in reading this, for me every word was perfection. Stunningly lovely lines. Sue.

Author's Reply:


Say (posted on: 15-01-16)
Say you have seen me melting in a river, Straying among things, common and proper,

April 29th /2014. Say you have seen me melting in a river, Straying among things, common and proper, Among grass and weeds, pebbles and seeds, Fading with echoes of groaning reeds, Gleaming against the face of running water; Seeking consolation in skinless cover. Say you have heard me thawing in existence, Leaving my humble presence, On the wings of peaceful silence, With leaves and innocent drops of water, Streaming down the blades of grass Shivering without a shelter, Deep and far in the green mass. Say, 'he has departed my scene, And I perceived not what I have seen, Yet, I have felt his curious love, when together, Celebrating the delights of our murmur, I believe, we wandered through sweet whisper, Longer than what I have always meant; At first, before he had become a scent; Roaming lightly along with the word never.'
Archived comments for Say
sweetwater on 16-01-2016
Say
A beautifully composed poem, with stunning images. I enjoyed reading it but must confess I did not fully understand the entire meaning, but that's probably just me πŸ™‚ Sue.

Author's Reply:
I must confess that the wrong is with me. Though, nature is clear and simple; my love for it came to be most complicated, but might, my love for my girl and nature have mingled in a way that can't be illustrated but with such a complexity.....thanks for your kindness and time. Jamal.

teifii on 17-01-2016
Say
Me too. I loved all the images but didn't entirely understand the poem; probably my own fault and my own to literal mindset.
Daff

Author's Reply:
thank you for your kind words.


My gentle princess (posted on: 08-01-16)
My gentle princess; This love, my love to thee, reveals my natural tendency,

January 9th /2014. My gentle princess; This love, my love to thee, reveals my natural tendency, Toward sweet liberty; Rare consciousness, In a forgotten world, Offering my poor senses, Love that resembles Soundly not the word; A pulse of what was long established, And is, in thy presence, refreshed, I listen, speak and feel I exist, I see the light and only resist A desire, To spread my skin like fire, A great flame that never fades, beyond the borders of shades; Upon an ancient likeness of me, To taste the touch Of what love scatters, Woven in delicate ecstasy, And so much Of sunny sounds of the sea, And melodies I hear, When you smile, Murmur, waiting a while, Then whisper into my ear, "shine upon my years " Then a new born out of fears, With a gleaming, makes me free.
Archived comments for My gentle princess
e-griff on 08-01-2016
My gentle princess
I liked this overall, it flowed well and expressed sentiments that were clear. The only thing for me that jarred (slightly) is I felt that some of the words were chosen for rhyme rather than meaning. But that may be a false impression due to my personal view.

JohnG

Author's Reply:
I cann't deny that I care much about rhyme..thank you for kind words.

sweetwater on 09-01-2016
My gentle princess
I felt this was very much a traditional love poem, full of longing, romance and passion exactly how a love poem should be. I loved it. sue.

Author's Reply:
so sweet sweetwater. thanks.


A story (posted on: 04-01-16)
My mother told me unpopular story, Less than a myth; about disgrace or glory

My mother told me unpopular story, Less than a myth; about disgrace or glory, Long before I became able to distinct; Too young to know it meant contradictory, What could be defeat might mean victory, I couldn't tell then, too complicated to predict. Mother told me with words those could depict, A notorious emperor, a tyrant and blood addict, Who married a thousand woman during his life, And killed them all, and his own heart tricked, And weekly, ten victims for hunting he picked, So death, fears and faith in fate became rife. Yet, he always sympathized with the poor' strife, And daily fed the hungry and spared a convicted life, And was eager to satisfy who begged at his door, Until one day, he walked out in silence with a knife, He left sad into the desert with no son or wife. Later, a skull and knife told a story never heard before.
Archived comments for A story
sweetwater on 05-01-2016
A story
Very interesting read it really held my interest. Sue.

Author's Reply:
thank you for your kind words.


My woman (posted on: 28-12-15)
My cherished woman, Without a face, Dwells in my books,

My cherished woman, Without a face, Dwells in my books, And diaries, Without a stance; In my coffee cup, She swims And passes in my mirror, Without a trace; She wanders About In my veins, sings in my heart, Recreates in my brain, Without a trance, When she leaves; I follow vibrations Of her presence, Fading in the street's noise, And fashionable curiosity, Love of the city, In every place, Carrying a shy red rose, My heart, Which she knows, She often plants passion There, In every space, That she irrigates, With warm stream, In patience, As it grows, And only sighs, As she goes With innocent pace.
Archived comments for My woman
sweetwater on 30-12-2015
My woman
This is a lovely poem, full of romance and mystery. Sue.

Author's Reply:
lovely comment, thank you Sue.


Colours (posted on: 28-09-15)
Pink, rosy, blue, green and Yellow, Colours of joyful world, In thy brown eyes wallow;

December 19, 2013 • Edited • Pink, rosy, blue, green and Yellow, Colours of joyful world, In thy brown eyes wallow; Dreams of continents swirled, Sweetly mellow, Up round thy white pillow; where merry feelings billow, below; thy black hair curled, in likeness, nights follow, earlier, glistening stars hurled; sweetly to glow, up round thy warm pillow; yellow, pink, , rosy, blue and green, spring's beauties celebrate on thy skin, A bare nature on passionate screen, Merging into a loving twin, Magically seen, Round and round thy bright scene; Where thou are the honoured queen, Among roses, lilacs and violets' kin, Scents of sunny beauty lightly sheen, Uniting with love without sin, Lovingly lean, Their spirits over thy pure scene. Green, yellow, pink, rosy and blue, Thy lips carry the whispering rainbow, Thy calm beats speak to the hue, But thy heart leaves the show, My kindled love- knew, How hard to find paths to you.
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Imaginary woman (posted on: 21-09-15)
I loved her an age before I discovered, That she was an imaginary woman,

July 14th, 2015 I loved her an age before I discovered, That she was an imaginary woman, Dancing in the background of my reality, Smiling in my dreams whenever I dreamt, Soothing my grief whenever I wept Stripping the passion from my fears, Tutoring me to endure crippled years, But I failed frequently to be tutored. Unable to understand, tortured and suffered, I became an old man with prisoned tears, Drawing her lovely face on decrepit trees, Waiting with loose fancies around a dream, Clung with love to images; those gleam, Breathing in my deep silence, a living beam, That keeps me warm in my dead reality, Now, I live with my faithful heart and ability, To collect her stories, images, smiles Silent words or those sounds like words, And my courage to tolerate imagining her, With bare feet, with a face with no lips, her blurred body enjoying beauty to the tips, As the paradise, in heaven, saved to me, Or above or seven heavens underneath, Here on earth in the past times and time leath, I remain faithful, being a man, to our secrecy I resume, I tell now, loving who doesn't exist, I admit and cannot deny; it is hard to resist Feeding my descending with lovely plans of fancy.
Archived comments for Imaginary woman
sweetwater on 23-09-2015
Imaginary woman
Possibly the best and truest love of all. The one I love ( will never have ) has been as good to me as your imagined lady for as long. Lovely write, full of emotion and joy. πŸ™‚ Sue.

Author's Reply:
Lovely comment; thanks sweetwater.


My love (posted on: 18-09-15)
My cherished woman, Without a face, Dwells in my books,

December 25th /2013. My cherished woman, Without a face, Dwells in my books, And diaries, Without a stance; In my coffee cup, She swims And passes in my mirror, Without a trace; She wanders About In my veins, sings in my heart, Recreates in my brain, Without a trance, When she leaves; I follow vibrations Of her presence, Fading in the street's noise, And fashionable curiosity, Love of the city, In every place, Carrying a shy red rose, My heart, Which she knows, She often plants passion There, In every space, That she irrigates, With warm stream, In patience, As it grows, And only sighs, As she goes With innocent pace.
Archived comments for My love
Kipper on 18-09-2015
My love
Quite a woman I'd say.
Perhaps many of us have a secret special someone; but only in our dreams.

Michael


Author's Reply:
you'r quite right, Michael; but who knows dreams may come true!!! thanks for your comment and time.

Gee on 18-09-2015
My love
Such a feeling of longing in this - so beautifully expressed.
Very nicely written.

Author's Reply:
thanks for your kind words.


Losers (posted on: 03-02-14)
I myself have lost me on unknown day,

I myself have lost me on unknown day, While I was accumulating years on my way, I did not realize then that we might separate, I thought We were together, And would remain to each other To taste flavors of our same fate, To celebrate, Passing of Days and nights, delicious light of the day, And years sway Between love and hate, Suddenly, he disappeared, While I was walking about alone in my life, Desperate, tired, losing without strife; Surrendering to those I feared. Once I saw my face in a flower, Then he folded himself and vanished forever, After that day, from nowhere, With infecting care, He breathed into my ear, With a rare anger, ' you are aging like lifeless stones, Fumes of man living on invisible bones,' Then he melted in the atmosphere, Ever since I have myself been looking for me, In the streets, where I used to wander, And few other places I hardly now remember, Where I last saw him, who I m not him; but once he was me; When I was younger.
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Sadness (posted on: 31-01-14)
Sadness awaits for me, Taking me by the hand,

Sadness awaits for me, Taking me by the hand, whenever I prefer to avoid, Leading me to weep, The same time, exactly when time is not exact, she wishes I share her feelings, one feeling in fact, Which I hate or cannot translate, Even if I wish, I wish I could understand, Who knows; she may want to depart, She may migrate or change her address and state, I wish whatever makes her walks out of my home, Out of my senses and heart, Out of the lamp, the light and window dark sight Out of my head and bed, Where saddening images creep With fake warmth and nightmares ahead of me, O, sadness, why do you insist, at night, To shake the fruitful tree of my tears, Before I sleep.
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About the heart (posted on: 31-01-14)
About the heart, love is always right,

About the heart, love is always right, Though overwhelming bliss hides not, Unfathomable distress remains in sight; In the shape of uneasiness with sensible plot, Immersed in desire, confused faith and lust; Unexpectedly the consequences are proper, Reflecting the latent intent in each lover. O, soul; love flowed into thy home by instinct, And tenderly soothed depths with passion, Where love into love humbly cares to inspect, Where feelings are unprepared for admission, Where blind dreams face sole confession, Where thoughts dissolve in old heart's defect; What it detects truly is what it did expect; O, heart, be mused if unfathomed is perfect.
Archived comments for About the heart
Bozzz on 01-02-2014
About the heart
Yes, Jamal, the heart has no other option. When push comes to shove, it is just a pump. This is a good poem - many insights and food for thought...David

Author's Reply:
Thank you. Bozzz; you are very kind.

ValDohren on 02-02-2014
About the heart
The heart has always been synonymous with love for the romantically inclined - clearly, David is not romantic as he says the heart is just a pump.
Well, I guess it is, but your poem speaks otherwise. Lovely read.
Val

Author's Reply:
Thank you. Val. You are both right and I highly appreciate your comments and mostly satisfied that you both liked it. thanks again.


Vision (posted on: 16-12-13)
I 'm in favor that we return, Neither of us can tolerate this, in vain,

I 'm in favor that we return, Neither of us can tolerate this, in vain, Season of travellers dressed red pain, Strange ghosts, figures without eyes, Pale faces with speechless cries, Die on paths to paradise, As lost memories recollect faded purposes, Beseeching unappeasable promises, Offered nearer to hope before despair, suspended nowhere, reflecting a loitering nightmare, Closer to their decayed bodies, their rotten flare, I hope we compel our senses to return, Enchanting fancies delude souls' Yearn, To places swaying between sleep and dreams, Where the unknown devours awareness beams; See soul, supple promises have no signs here, But whispers among whispers twitter near, Unnatural tales in voiceless words in timeless sleep, Divert eager faith, that courageously weep. The closest to me , backward, we better creep. To these worldly loving hearts who discern Where faiths convert concern to deep concern.
Archived comments for Vision
bo_duke99 on 18-12-2013
Vision
some captivating phrases and lines - Greg

Author's Reply:
thank you for you visit and comment.


Echo (posted on: 13-12-13)
In a land that resembles a flood of grass, I stood enchanted until an echo might pass,

In a land that resembles a flood of grass, I stood enchanted until an echo might pass, Calling wild love to wait a hindered heart, By pleasures, empty days and a singing class. I listened, sighed and assumed me a part, What long had ended, might suddenly start, The abandoned heart resonates old delight, Love rejoices its follies, follies of the smart. Then it approached heavy and light, The ears were wrong, yearning had right, Face to face I cried and Bitterly smiled, ' Love can not be a goose in fright.'
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Worthless Wealth (posted on: 13-12-13)
You lived next door,

You lived next door, For years I can't name, But every morning we met, I loved you incredibly more, Until my love wealth grew Enormously great, Which I kept in secret, Then you left, The same, As you came, I never knew, Ah, my wealth; In good health, I never spent A penny of it.
Archived comments for Worthless Wealth
Bozzz on 13-12-2013
Worthless Wealth
This poem must resonate for millions of men. At some time in our lives we all fell in love secretly with the girl next door. Good write, Jamal
Just two small points : you do not need a 'the' in the first line. We would say 'You lived next door' . I think the poem would benefit from a comma after the word 'incredibly' ...David

Author's Reply:
Thank you, David. Thanks for your inspiring visits.

Elfstone on 14-12-2013
Worthless Wealth
Concise and telling - I like this. Bozz is correct - that "the" is unnecessary. May I also suggest that you have another look at the punctuation? I think there is too much and some could be altered to good effect. πŸ™‚ Elfstone

Author's Reply:
thank you, Elfstone. I truly considered your advice.


Silence (posted on: 09-12-13)
Silence captured words in your cold eyes, And passion snuggled to last feeble ties,

Silence captured words in your cold eyes, And passion snuggled to last feeble ties, And optimism clung to a heart about to die, O, patience allow me time for a loyal lie. O, my sweet soul; look at me once more, Look at me tenderly in peace as before, Then lie where thou once walked following the turtle to the plain, While I was watching you waving in the warm rain, The meadow loved the way you followed the tortoise to the field, And I loved thy roaming about when it disappeared, While thou laughed ,and chuckled the green reed, Then you withdrew your hands and head into thy shell coat, And lively danced in the pasture of wild oat. O, my love, the canon was quieted for unpredictable reason, And the rifles breathed a last fatal treason, Which bloomed with red flowers on thy warm chest, See, in the place, thy spring's beauty shone upon the rest; Me, the anemones, the damp rocks and the merciful death, And seized my soul and obliterated our life's myth.
Archived comments for Silence
Bozzz on 10-12-2013
Silence
Hi Jamal, I like this piece very much for the variety of images, but I confess to not really understanding the context. For this reason it would be wrong to try and give a mark....David

Author's Reply:
Thanks David, I appreciate your comment. I agree with you about the context....I tried my best in vain..

bo_duke99 on 11-12-2013
Silence
an interesting style, exotic and classical, intriguing indeed

Author's Reply:
Thank you, Duke, for your interesting comment.


A Portrait In love (posted on: 23-09-13)
You're prettier than a tree Nonchalant beauty alone

You're prettier than a tree, Nonchalant beauty alone, Up the bare hill, Reposes in the golden Beams lightly warm and free to placate the moody wind in the abode of leams far from the thirsty rill, and the doggedly crow, and all of it I can see From my dormer window, From a house I imagine to own, Far in the abandoned land Beyond that bare hill, Where a lake mimics tranquility, A womb of life laden and still; Mirrors as your calm beauty, And all of it I can see From my dormer window, From a portrait of me, A sketch unframed, unfinished On an easel, fancifully colored Waits frailly thy brush and hand To accomplish my metamorphosis, To achieve thy miraculous guesses Of the unity of pure whiteness And colors of passionate kisses.
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Thoughts (posted on: 23-09-13)
thoughts

O, what thoughts bring me grief, Grief that grazes fields of mind, And colors my face as a faded leaf, And to ground I yield my pride To wither among naked flowers Keeping worries where they remain I possess not the light nor buds powers And dark blooms, flooding the brain Where fears boast a great health. And thou art me and who else Might be the soul's humble wealth, To heal myself, ancient friend of blessing, So hold me thou for while in mine heart, That those enemies in me eternally part.
Archived comments for Thoughts
Bozzz on 23-09-2013
Thoughts
Hi Jamal, there are some very good lines here - but some that do not make sensible English. Write me a private note if you wish to discuss....Bozzz

Author's Reply:


Bottomless Curse (posted on: 20-09-13)
When she came thirsty to me, in love, And rested on my curb in a cloth of dove,

When she came thirsty to me, in love, And rested on my curb in a cloth of dove, I was a lonely dry well for years; My hollow darkness echoed her last breath, Then my deep heart was filled with tears. Later, she soared upwards to spacious light, Higher than what is meant to an ingenuous bee, And became a homeless bless without me, Leaving me where I was contrived to be, Drying in my bottomless curse in living death, Seeing eye of heaven from my stagnant night.
Archived comments for Bottomless Curse
deadpoet on 20-09-2013
Bottomless Curse
I'm sorry to say this but I truly struggled with this poem. To find a meaning in your choice of words was almost impossible- though I get the general picture and think perhaps you could have used some other words for metaphors. 'desicated well' and 'stangnant night' don't make sense to me- perhaps it's just me being short sighted? The poem has the sound of a sonnet but not the metre- a well known and somehow clichΓ©ed theme though turned into a sonnet with another wording it might be good.

I'm afraid you are picking words randomly to make a rhyme and it gives little sense. Cloth of dove? Ingenuous bee?I see english may be your second language but if you give your choice of vocabulary (which seems to be large) a second thought you will be able to produce good poems. English is also my second language so I know how hard it is at times.

regards
Pia


Author's Reply:

mageorge on 20-09-2013
Bottomless Curse
Hi, I totally agree with Pia on this one. Poetry can be rhyming or not, depending upon the subject...randomly picked words just to make the piece rhyme does stick out like a sore thumb.

"I was a lonely desiccated well for years;"

That line does nothing for me, I'm afraid. All it does is lead to the next rhyming line.

I would consider re-writing the piece without rhyming.

Best regards,
Mark.



Author's Reply:
Hi, Thanks for your comment which I highly estimate.
Take care,
Jamal.









i












































Dream (posted on: 19-04-13)
I hopefully want to dream as I sleep, With no effort as a safe bird’s cheep,

I hopefully want to dream as I sleep, With no effort as a safe bird's cheep, Creeps up the hill to engulf quietness Then all are swallowed by darkness. And then born in a cradle of desire, Where blissful joys rejoice to retire, And shine richly on romping stream; Seeping beams of innocent scheme. peacefully, I suspire grooming the air, while hope signs are fruity with despair, I am devised, a man in a withered cage, And dreams gleam on witching stage. O, sweet fantasies of a weary lover, Calm the heart of dreamless power, ere it becomes a despondent place, folded to sorrow of unknown race. I blow out light of my day by day's fears, Yet awake stifled with dreadful tears, What visions, these hound me to weep, What transpires when I am asleep.
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Lost (posted on: 22-03-13)
That dark night, I cried in the heavy rain, And cold drops blended with my grave pain,

That dark night, I cried in the heavy rain, And cold drops blended with my grave pain, O, sorrow, thou shed down my live meadows, What relief didst bear thy wary falling widows. Lost deceived spirit from not love betrayed, Cold in the dark, tyrannized silence swayed, The splash of paradise glory cannot be seen, And all agonized humour shade eyes' screen. Night haunted thoughts, and my dejected soul hovered in the chilly dreams of undying fall, Frozen in mortality, knowing yet, there's more, Of my future history to be told of my past lore. Dark in the cold, deluded by paths of lies, Paved by fatuous wisdom and falling rise; Lost in legacy, impeded by hysterical ties I obediently surrender to stream of eyes. My father shed a tear before he calmly died, A single shallow burn on skin swiftly dried. And the morning lionized congruous rain, How rigorous thou art, nature, when in pain.
Archived comments for Lost
Bozzz on 23-03-2013
Lost
The last verse is a strikingly beautiful poem in itself. ..Bozzzz

Author's Reply:
thanks Bozzz, pleased you liked it.


The cloud (posted on: 22-03-13)
O, cloud, how you travel As slow as a thirsty camel,

O, cloud, how you travel As slow as a thirsty camel, And waft above morning breeze, And above covetous lands at ease To watch cities drown in smog; Presents wrapped in yellow fog; You migrate from wheels squeals, And strange music of morn and eve. O, cloud that is migrating not fast You are the first, the second and last To forsake the rice fields and valley With remorse, with urge to cry For a lone rose that wants to fly, So spreads her aroma to your sky To be consumed around gently, To be left with her yellow dignity; O, cloud, the tutor of integrity, The vying rose is eager to learn How wherever and whenever You fall, satisfying all longed for rain, You glide to your mother, To the vast seas to reborn again; Tell her, your mysteries are the same; To enjoy generous and eternal game.
Archived comments for The cloud
cooky on 22-03-2013
The cloud
I like this. Clouds affect all of us.

Author's Reply:
thanks for your kind words and rating.

Savvi on 22-03-2013
The cloud
I like the way you show us the life cycle and the trials a cloud must face. nice poem. S

Author's Reply:
thanks for nice words and rating.

Fox-Cragg on 23-03-2013
The cloud
Never thought I would see a link of Cloud and Thirsty Camel, and it works, brilliant.
Many thanks for sharing.
Paul

Author's Reply:
I agree with you; thanks for kind words.


The bridge (posted on: 11-02-13)
Men in black crossed the bridge Carrying a wrecked body in a shaky casket.

Men in black crossed the bridge Carrying a wrecked body in a shaky casket. It is to be settled in a clearing beyond the ridge, That it may decay in time that may fit The calm river mirrored their doss; A lone bird skimmed over the water beneath the bridge, And circles of rhythm rippled the trifle loss. Kids clustered scared behind the hedge, Then romped playfully along the bridge. A gull perched on a fence, While an old man was staring into water, Searching for juvenile life in the depth, Under the surface that reflected his years of stress. Two jittery lovers were obsessed about love myth, Hugged, kissed, flattered, and laughed a little less. The ostentatious steel form carried them all, In rusty silence. It coexisted with their conviviality and whinge; It will witness their passage and tragic fall Not a mere coincidence, That brought to the scene the marvelous bridge.
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Man's Silence (posted on: 04-02-13)
My ears caught sight of thy fading scent, While my eyes tasted thy glamorous grips,

My ears caught sight of thy fading scent, While my eyes tasted thy glamorous grips, That mingled with sighs on my lustrous lips. Thus my heart lulled my senses peculiar skill; Only thee, my soul, welcomed with sweetly will, And love took my thoughts where it shan't faint, Where man's silence troubled not by fate or hate, Or pain, or oceans of a single sincere thought, Blaming eyes for a word kept unwrought Though plangent passions echoes never relent To faithful love bait of impunible taste, And mind urges incentive cry of the soul's repent, While paths of hearts are charged with suspect. See, what makes man's pleasures conceal In silence of mines of words, not to be told, Brooding on sage noble untrodden zeal ; Only to vex chained bosom with heavy load. Hark, silence dances unrealized, flowing free, Loitering untarnished in ecstasy buds unseen, Parrying scud of piquant words, not thee To conquer audacious emotions between Lusty wickedness and tenderness of a saint.
Archived comments for Man's Silence
bo_duke99 on 04-02-2013
Mans Silence
interesting subversive opening

Author's Reply:
love has peculiar effects. Thanks for your comment, interesting!!!!

Bozzz on 05-02-2013
Mans Silence
Fascinating story - The text is gloriously rich in flavours. I'm not sure I grasped the meaning of all of it. I suggest 'umpunible' should be 'impeccable' and that Line 6 needs work to get rid of 'shan't'. Bozzz

Author's Reply:
I'm honored by your literary approach....your notes will be truly considered, Thanks.


Habibaty (posted on: 17-12-12)
A lover dream in a land where love dies to survive.

Love, this is the home of craggy sorrow, Each bleak house hugs a solitary widow Waiting more at a pale silent window, Which portends the dead empty path; This carry the northern cold winds Of early mornings into the gloomy strath, Folding time, impatience and wrath, And all day long, become friends, Footsteps' echoes and pattering of little ones, Nabbing illusions of joyful shades of tones, And miserable hearts those endowed anxiety, And eyes, lips and noses always ready to cry, Yet how they are innocent, ignorant and pretty. O love, how the untold words are never dry, And never desert me like the green in a cedar, Everlasting homage to warmth of leaves; I doubt that my absence should less differ; I believe when time rashly counts and leaves, I should feel your waiting when I disappear Holding close to my soul your rich serenity, I should roam your world like a dead star; Long ago vanished, yet glistens bright and clear Like your sad eyes when full of precious tears, Those guard your peace and banish your fears.
Archived comments for Habibaty
Savvi on 20-12-2012
Habibaty
Really strong and powerfull lines packed with images "Footsteps' echoes and pattering of little ones" love this line. Only crit would be you are using too many words to fill in between the ones that carry the punch so it can get lost.

And miserable hearts those endowed anxiety,
And eyes, lips and noses always ready to cry,

This could read
miserable hearts, endowed by anxiety,
nose lips, eyes, ready to cry,

Hope this helps you have a really strong poem that could be a great poem with some minor changes. S




Author's Reply:


Reaction (posted on: 14-12-12)
sad love story.

That night, knowing she loves butterflies; He promised her a visit in fairy disguise, In doubt that he might, she bought, Knowing he adores, a sample boat; Yet she never believed in his fairy-tale In the morning, she caught a rare butterfly, And pinned it onto the white plastic sail, Then she began to cry, annoyed by his lie.
Archived comments for Reaction
franciman on 14-12-2012
Reaction
Truly Beautiful. It's like it came from The Arabian Nights. Can I suggest 'fairy guise' might scan better? I Really enjoyed this.
cheers,
Jim

Author's Reply:
thanks, Jim, for your comment and rating. you see I'm an Arabian and my work might somehow be affected by" The Arabian Nights".
cheers,

Andrea on 15-12-2012
Reaction
Agree with Jim - just lovely.

Author's Reply:

ChairmanWow on 15-12-2012
Reaction
What a colorful final twist. A fine narrative poem about lack of faith becoming self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ralph

Author's Reply:

ValDohren on 16-12-2012
Reaction
Sad and poignant - mistrust not misplaced.

Val

Author's Reply:


Piled Ashen (posted on: 07-12-12)
Hope things will change for the better for all of us, without terrible losses.

My heart is a volcanic cold stone, And each eye is motley bead, And my body is Derelict hulk, And my tears are poisoned lead. yet, I feel like an ordinary man, I smile, talk, hallucinate and cry, And sit and walk and have a trance, And breathe, yet my veins are dry. I believe I have a sweet foster home, A room in the garden and a flower, Who talks to me every calm evening, About springs and her idol weather. My eyes reflects colors of the world, None of them creeps into doughy brain, And a mirror in me is blinded in design, And intuition reads past in future's pain. O, soul's false myth of heavenly feet, Thy seraphic dreams no longer exist; And thy stories are defeated glories, Piled ashen that can't, a puff, resist.
Archived comments for Piled Ashen
Texasgreg on 07-12-2012
Piled Ashen
Aye! Very loved the wordage and sentiment equally.

Greg πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thank you for your kind words.

Andrea on 08-12-2012
Piled Ashen
You're in Syria I believe, Jamal. I don't know what your politics are, of course, but I pray that you all stay safe. Your poem is heartfelt.

Author's Reply:
Yes, I'm in Syria. ............writing poetry at these hard times; which might be a wish of better life for us all or just a dream of an ordinary man whose only weapon is words and nothing more............... thank you for kind words and rating. Blessings.


Waiting For Love (posted on: 30-11-12)
I always wait echoes of the bell of the last train, On an old bench, with love, my ancient friend,

I always wait echoes of the bell of the last train, On an old bench, with love, my ancient friend, Patiently, I often read 'Gone With The Wind', Though, I keep forgetting the deceptive end. The sun leaves a yellow smile on the platform, Light precedes the breathless shades into east, Umbrella-like shade on two bare sticks chuckles, Then manages to creep to me as a tamed beast. The cold mist blurs the scene frequently on time, All love when it prevails to hide their loneliness, The station, the bell, the rails and the only being. The quiet distances unfetter infections of sadness. Nothing in place cools nor awakens heavy-eyed The bell have no desire to ring for the uncertain Of exiled hopes venturing to read one more page, Thus are eternally left in the world's dim curtain. I can't close the book where she retires unhurt, Her beauty streams lively on frozen dark words, I see her continually in fields, on breasts of earth, Running before melodies, lilies and happy birds.
Archived comments for Waiting For Love
Ionicus on 01-12-2012
Waiting For Love
"I always wait echoes of the bell of the last train,
On an old bench, with love, my ancient friend,
Patiently, I often read 'Gone With The Wind',
Though, I keep forgetting the deceptive end."

A lovely first stanza to a nice flowing poem, Jamal.


Author's Reply:
thanks for your kind words.

cooky on 01-12-2012
Waiting For Love
top class write. I like this

Author's Reply:
thanks for most encouraging words and rating.

Texasgreg on 02-12-2012
Waiting For Love
Aye! Maybe I'm wrong, but I see someone who just likes to do their reading at the station without actually boarding, which sounds cool.

Greg πŸ™‚

Photobucket.

Author's Reply:
yes. quite cool, thank you,Greg.


SHAKY LIFE (posted on: 23-11-12)
The life I miss, have ever missed My eyes eager to see, have never seen.

The life I miss, have ever missed My eyes eager to see, have never seen But plenty of tears have been always shed Not a beam of humanity, have ever been sent Years accumulated into age, have I really lived Ah, life, my dear years, I have certainly lost How they passed, my youth eroded the most How I paled and sensed not amiss Vindicated by raw flawed sense And who sensed, surmised or guessed The grey hair or the spine that bent Uninformed ambition has pretended talent Ah, my years, I call you, my dear, to tell How the weary me tried ever to fulfill One of my simple dreams, Have I dreamt A cry out of mute, I Have long been a dumb Declare the coming light, have been absent
Archived comments for SHAKY LIFE
ValDohren on 23-11-2012
SHAKY LIFE
Like this one - by coincidence, one of my next stored poems for Monday is on this very subject! Getting old, not much fun !!

Val



Author's Reply:


You May Forgive (posted on: 23-11-12)
You may forgive, but my heart can't repent, A lover's erratic behavior proves no guilt.

You may forgive, but my heart can't repent, A lover's erratic behavior proves no guilt Imagine the cold Earth denies the sun's gift, Or a light vessel enjoys not a calm peaceful sea, Or a flower rejects her beloved hectic bee, Or a painting abhors apt brimful brush, Or beauty embarrasses not by first blush, So curse my romance or just forgive, With both aspects, how sweet for me to live; I differ with the second, spare me the first. My heart adores you and unable to forget, So detain not a loving heart with innate defect, Yet deny love echoes of true fanciful serenade Such sentimental echoes that lead a crusade, So deny yourself of sincere love fragrance, Which shall pervade your faithful patience, That shall entertain ecstasy of lay probity, Which shall strum the chords of your entity, So deny what the morning light shall bring, When you shall be bathed in pious spring, When you shall joyfully dance on sepal's ring With lithe muses in every colored flower tent, Forgiveness, then, will justify my denial to repent.
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Flow slow (posted on: 16-11-12)
the meek shall inherit the earth.

Flow slow through thy bitter life Cross gently, and fancy fiery strife; Float in dark silence without a wing, There is time to melt till ardent spring. Thy love, vision, grief and desire Are sweet seeds for earth's fire, In a world of doubt and despair, Where pity and mercy are so rare. In thy heart, thy soul dost weep, And look where thou vainly creep, With faint innocence and sad tears Thy feet are weighed by dreamy years. Triumph thy pains in aware quietness, A flower exchange life for a dew caress, Though it hides her bless in tiny seeds, Then perish humbly with eternal creeds. Blind thy eyes to aches and wittily live, And forget, ignore, and cordially forgive; And forsake the wealth of daily pleasure, Content's Treasure has heavenly measure.
Archived comments for Flow slow
ValDohren on 18-11-2012
Flow slow
Contents treasure has heavenly measure - great line. Lovely poem, and I really like your style.

Val

Author's Reply:
from you it means a lot, thanks.


fictitious dreams (posted on: 16-11-12)
Dreams have been of a special significance, though they are no more than dreams.

And fictitious dreams know what we adore Create an opalescent world for each temper, And satisfy arrogance of dishonored pride, Where we can be what we can't remember. And stampede fears of every winged thought propel incandescent shadows, deluding eyes, And encouraging spirits, tired of flesh defeat, To wallow in joy unrestrainedly to improvise. O, persuading dreams of frenzied men's whim, And whim of men of frenzied dreams pursuit; Pursue deranged men with whim of dreams, Those dreams suit whim may us equally suit. Dreams, give magic wings all to the weary weak; Shine with thy fabby luminous images together, And award prancing hearts to smile or weep; Nothing pleases them more, until they discover.
Archived comments for fictitious dreams
orangedream on 16-11-2012
fictitious dreams
I like the sentiment behind this, jamalbbd, very much;-)

Tina

Author's Reply:
thank you for kind words.


IMPACT (posted on: 09-11-12)
I tore my notebook, I have kept for fears, On the shelf of safe years,

I tore my notebook, I have kept for fears, On the shelf of safe years, For a word or a look, To be registered, Beneath a title born free, Chastely says,'' I love thee'', But the pages followed Remained empty, Yellowy brown, eroded with a frown of hostile enmity, with my pen and heart, my passion, hand and eyes, and cripples colorful lives, And breeds the cruelest unsight, So cold no dreams shine in me, And words in misery freeze, In spirit in despair at ease, Reflecting impact of thee.
Archived comments for IMPACT
Harpie on 09-11-2012
IMPACT
Unsight? not sure about this word but the poem is lovely and flows well.

Author's Reply:
I highly appreciate your comment and kind words. thanks.

ValDohren on 11-11-2012
IMPACT
Food for thought, made an impact.

Author's Reply:


Once Upon Our Love (posted on: 05-11-12)
Once upon our love, do you remember? How your beauty startled from seraphic calm, When I caught sight of years on your soft wrinkled palm,

Once upon our love, do you remember? How your beauty startled from seraphic calm, When I caught sight of years on your soft wrinkled palm, Which enfolded the betrayal of the careless time, And we were ashamed to show our suffused temper, While our eyes patiently contended with time's innocent harm. Do you still ponder about my valor and rosy promises? Of baskets of flowers of jealous daffodils and irises, Of a palace of our iris of love's gracious glances, Of paths of iridescent delight to our passion's wilderness, Of a world of stars and sun beams for your dresses, And stories for our grandsons adorned with before sleep kisses. Do you remember, ah, our mingled tears? Our failure to laugh, to count bleak years, Our persistent endeavors to survive hopefully in vain: Love is not ours, I wish we were spared of this searing pain, Might what time have disclosed be folded again, Might what we have lived be faded in wane.
Archived comments for Once Upon Our Love
stormwolf on 05-11-2012
Once Upon Our Love
Hello there, This had a timeless feel to it and was also very eastern in feeling. I loved much of the imagery and the aura of sadness suffusing it.

Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hello Alison, thanks for your kind words.....eastern in feeling, thanks, you are the first to notice that.thanks again.

ValDohren on 06-11-2012
Once Upon Our Love
Memories and fading love - very poignant, but so true to life.
Well penned, lovely.



Author's Reply:
Thanks, Val, for kind comment and rating.


THE BLESSED (posted on: 05-11-12)
Thou art proud by heritage of thy birth, Close to heaven and above low earth,

Thou art proud by heritage of thy birth, Close to heaven and above low earth, Thou thrive wisely, a graceful wallflower, A perennial beauty on ancient high tower, Persuasive bleeding heart of inimitable feat, Avoiding by thy nature the blind tyrant feet, Patiently watching in silence of sweet scent, That ruefully whiffs above my transient bent; And confidently whispers to my broken shade, Where with thy poor siblings, in sorrow, I fade, A body of love wreath without height or weight. Thus awareness of some species come bitterly late, When destination of these are decided by hate Before birth, condemned to be perished on earth, Even though, thou fill my sighs with hopeful breath, I scarcely can hereafter rise to celebrate thy strength.
Archived comments for THE BLESSED
Bozzz on 05-11-2012
THE BLESSED
Hi Jamal,
I found this poem so elegant in parts and quite difficult to follow in others - there are with some minor language issues for me.

Author's Reply:
Thank you Bozzz for your kind words.

ValDohren on 05-11-2012
THE BLESSED
Love the style, and there are some great lines. The last four lines lose the rhyme scheme. The poem in its entirety is very impressive however.

Author's Reply:
I highly appreciate your comment and kind words. thanks.

Ionicus on 06-11-2012
THE BLESSED
A stylish and emotional poem, with good lines.

Author's Reply:
I highly appreciate your comment, rating and kind words. thanks

stormwolf on 06-11-2012
THE BLESSED
Again, the 'voice' behind this was ancient, eastern and wise.
The adoration comes over so well and the line lengths works here where they may not in some other poetry styles.

I am usually not a great fan of 'thee's' and thou's' but here they work and are totally part of the spirituality of the piece.
Well done

Alison x

Author's Reply:
thanks, Alison. I'm honored.

cooky on 06-11-2012
THE BLESSED
veru stylish i like this

Author's Reply:
Thank you for kind words and rating; I 'm honored.

Sooz on 09-11-2012
THE BLESSED
I stumbled a couple of times reading this, but I'm sure you can read it through faultlessly, it's usually me reading it wrong. his one feels as though it should be read in church or within cloister walls. The words and imagery are rich and beautiful.

Author's Reply:
Thank you for kind words; I 'm honored.


STEER AND SHEER (posted on: 02-11-12)
sailors who decided to face a storm on their way.

They deserve high angry waves, The humble obedient slaves Have for long served sooty sails, On the sloppy deck, the tame whales Sang sentimental verses, While they were learning hatred and curses. The loss of love is a tutor of hate, And effects on slaked spooks were radically great. They laughed and sneered and rang a bell, And declared a benign destination at will. The stern faced the shores and sunny land, Each age, face and wrinkles and mighty hand, Worked to secure the prow into doleful end, Each stroke of death in wretchedness became a friend; Wishing all to be a great lie as old immortal history, Yet those who tell shall narrate a heroic story, Ignoring to mention that During the valiant final combat, the reprobates, fearing the betrayal of storm and devil, opened a hole in the bottom of the legendary vessel.
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Beguiled (posted on: 02-11-12)
"Spare me this love powers," A short story in poetic lines, following Arabic modern form of free verse.

Spare me this love powers, Thy covert torture, In discreet shelters, Wait no more, I can't walk nor run, To ingratiate myself as before, My child in company, Is having fun, Round and round the sun Or is it his shadow? Lingering, out of breath, Like the before to be mown meadow, Lushly, leaning to the morning breeze, Swaying with a subtle motive, A plenty of desire to live, Before death, Where art thou child? So delicate and mild, Lost among flowers So bright and wild, Yellow, pink and red, Splinters of your bed, Laughter and gestures, Have I lost my sight? Or art the eyes deceived by light? We shall not return tonight; Memories of the dead or the Blind, That is insinuating visions for a widow, who is waiting the true return Of her old man and toddler.
Archived comments for Beguiled
ValDohren on 04-11-2012
Beguiled
Very pognant, enjoyed the read. Liked the second stanza best.

Val

Author's Reply:
from you, sir, it means a lot. thanks for kind words.


In my bag (posted on: 29-10-12)


In my bag, Thirty years Dispersed Over depressed tears And a gloomy tale's slag, Among these, fickles Our history, And a bitter taste trickles, Deep in my bag; Our story, On drafts, lines of poetry, With smell of burnt success, And sound, of never mind, kiss And echoes of something else, Your broken barrette, Half of my last cigarette, Witnessing my dead habit, With your funny picture, Pretending to be richer, Ashen white and black, With smiles hidden deep In the dark; In shades, ready to weep. Seething with silent passion, In a bag of an old fashion, Smothered in tight heaven, Soothed themselves in haven In the depth, Without a breath, I keep blessing before death.
Archived comments for In my bag
Andrea on 31-10-2012
In my bag
I really like this, although I'm not entirely sure why, since I didn't really understand it πŸ™‚ It just seems to flow so nicely, though, and the use of language is lovely.

And welcome to UKA (did I say that before??)

Author's Reply:
Oh!!! Andrea, I feel truly sad......is it really ambiguous? would you please give it a second chance. ( slow reading, Please!)

Andrea on 31-10-2012
In my bag
No, it's not you or your pome, it's me. I'm hopeless with poetry - in fact I have quite a reputation for being quite dense where metrical composition is concerned. I only do doggerel, me πŸ™‚

I'll give it another go, though...slowly πŸ™‚

Author's Reply:

butters on 31-10-2012
In my bag
memories in a bag, metaphorical or no ... a bag is for keeping things from being lost, and also becomes filled to a point of too heavy to be comfortable to carry. some will clutch teh bag and never put it down, becoming burdened and obsessive - others will get a new bag and maybe just decant a few pieces to continue the journey.

having said that, i'm afraid i'm finding the punctuation a distraction; it's making for awkward breaks in places, and can appear a little cluttered onscreen. allowing line breaks to sometimes do the work a comma would can make layout more aesthetic when presenting your work in text rather than a spoken format.

i'm also ashamed to admit i don't understand the message you want to show us with these last lines:

Smothered in tight heaven,
Soothed themselves in haven
In the depth,
Without a breath,
I keep blessing before death.

Author's Reply:
yes, metaphorical, thank you for your this amazing close study.
and for the last five lines:
memories are living there in a tight place, content being blessed by me because they are very dear memories what so ever. thanks again, you are very kind.


Sweet hopes (posted on: 29-10-12)
uplifting love.

My sweet hopes toddle in thy world of fair love, While full of dull pride still l creep in existence, Naked bland youth dwells vainly where I dissolve With ruined tragic will of bare dreamy innocence. Charmed was I with my bliss in thy presence, And my senses emptied my chest of chilly pain, And the aches in my heart during thy absence, And cowards in me pertained to my sceptic strain, In the circle of bitterness of my life in despair, My heart, I found hovering where once I lost, As fair as when first blossomed in gracy care, With promising love resting with a noble host, So time of evil still aligns barren lines and sings, My soul with thy love shall have light feet and wings.
Archived comments for Sweet hopes
Andrea on 29-10-2012
Sweet hopes
Welcome to UKA, Jamal! A nice dΓ©but.

Author's Reply:
Thank you, Andrea, for your encouraging words.

ValDohren on 30-10-2012
Sweet hopes
Great love sonnet.

Author's Reply:
thanks for your kind words.

butters on 31-10-2012
Sweet hopes
especially liked the final couplet πŸ™‚

what does 'gracy care' mean, please? is it a blending of grace and loving?

Author's Reply:
sorry for the ambiguity the use of this word caused- a friend of mine advised me to change it, but I couldn't and don't know why- may be because I wanted to say that( the heart ) a child when first born is protected by a divine care......where I found my heart after years of dull life. and the idea is stressed in next line when I used ( noble host). of course I don't know if this was a success, since my site friends are the ones to judge it, but the love here isn't about the earthly love..but...uplifting one, I would like you to read it once more and advise me please!
thanks for kind words. Blessings.

butters on 31-10-2012
Sweet hopes
hi, jmalbbd - i think the word 'gracy' manages to convey your meaning to an extent, but will always leave room for misunderstanding. it's up to you to decide whether or not your attachment to this word weighs up against the possible reader-confusion. if you substituted it to 'grace's care' would that help at all?

Author's Reply:
Thank you for your advice, I think I'll take it into consideration very soon. thanks again.

Bozzz on 01-11-2012
Sweet hopes
Hi Jamal, A good sonnet. The syllable counts in the rhyming pair ending respectively in 'despair' and 'care' are significantly different - which gives you room to make beneficial changes. I would even be lazy and put 'grace and care', but i feel you will want to do better.,,, David Bozzz

Author's Reply:
thanks for your kind words and advice.