Output list





capricorn's (capricorn on UKA) UKArchive
107 Archived submissions found.
Title
When the Clock Chimes (posted on: 08-01-16)
This is not written from my own experience, just from observations

You wear a smiling mask for my arrival, beyond which I glimpse torment engraved across your brow. Compassion drains its syringe plumping solace pillows - Bright Eyes plays softly, floating like a dream. Outside, a northerly blusters through the pines; time chases us through shadows its faint tick-tock reaching into night. I roll back the fun times we shared, remember when laughter glinted your eyes, until the crab nibbled it all away.
Archived comments for When the Clock Chimes
Mikeverdi on 08-01-2016
When the Clock Chimes
Like this a lot, something here for all to draw from. Rolling back the fun times...
Mike

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mike. I'm glad you drew something from this.
Eira

e-griff on 08-01-2016
When the Clock Chimes
Yes, fine poem. The key (and I think I got it right) being 'the crab' . And when you read that and ponder a bit, then go back and understand the rest, the earlier verses. It's clever, well-expressed, subtle.

Author's Reply:
Thanks john. I'm so glad you 'got' the crab. As you say it is the key to this.
Eira

sweetwater on 09-01-2016
When the Clock Chimes
I too understood the crab reference, sadly this is the burden too many carry, and you have expressed it perfectly. A very sympathetic and compassionate poem. Sue.

Author's Reply:


She will Return with a Flaming Sword (posted on: 22-06-15)
Well, it's the longest day and not long ago I wrote this poem, waiting for spring to arrive and take away my symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I'm swamped by this cumbersome duvet that resists my attempts to wrestle it off while coddling me to sleep even longer. A shadow beckons from the window enticing me to drift across the river only to snare me in twilight. Struggling to rise, I scrutinise the sky for willow warblers returning from palms in toasted lands, but it's premature for their circadian stirring. I tug drapes back further. Naked arms wave frantically pleading to be buttoned with buds, succoured by mother orb. Hopeless, I slump into pillows, waiting for Persephone's return.
Archived comments for She will Return with a Flaming Sword
deadpoet on 22-06-2015
She will Return with a Flaming Sword
Very good Capricorn- I hope the Spring and Summer have lifted your spirits.



How to win a Golden Egg!


Author's Reply:

sweetwater on 25-06-2015
She will Return with a Flaming Sword
My favourite type of poem, you have so many lovely phrases I thought 'buttoned with buds' was delightful and so too is 'snare me in twilight' beautiful, it's going into favourites ๐Ÿ™‚ Sue.

Author's Reply:


Autistic Son (posted on: 16-03-15)
A shortened version of an old poem

At dusk she slumps with the sun struggling to solve her puzzle, the flush of excitement wanes with the moon. His eyes avoid her gaze. Words are locked inside; she cannot find the key. Thrust into a tempest branches are buffeted until she collapses, broken. Yet, deep roots support her. Peering through brume she sees a smile, hears humming. Stretching to grasp the core, she's enveloped by warmth as the sun rises.
Archived comments for Autistic Son
Ionicus on 16-03-2015
Autistic Son
A poignant tale of a mother who, while struggling to establish a relationship with her uncommunicative autistic son, at last sees a ray of hope.
A good write Eira.
Luigi

PS A typo on the first line of the last verse: it should be through


Author's Reply:

Mikeverdi on 19-03-2015
Autistic Son
My sister spent her life working with Autistic children, I much admire those who can be that dedicated; I don't think could never be. I guess if the child is your own... everything changes. This is good writing about an emotive subject.
Mike

Author's Reply:


Salad Days (posted on: 06-02-15)
Sometimes it's tough being a mother!

Wearing different masks for each of life's compartments, my boy lingers, concealed within a man. Sometimes I peek through chinks in his masquerade. My maternal psyche smarts to witness him nursing growing pains. I anoint his contusions, before he departs, carrying a slice of me in his shirt pocket.
Archived comments for Salad Days
stormwolf on 07-02-2015
Salad Days
OMG hit my spot alright!
Into favs ๐Ÿ˜‰

I share exactly where you are coming from.
It's so hard on us.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Sorry I'm so late coming back to this Alison. I'm glad this struck a chord with you. Thanks for putting it into your favs.

My youngest son has come back home for a year while he finishes his PhD so I'll have to go through it all again.

Eira x

Mikeverdi on 08-02-2015
Salad Days
Brilliant...its not just mums that feel this.

Author's Reply:
You're right Mike - Dads feel it too!
Eira x


Brief Escape (posted on: 09-01-15)
Seasonal Affective Disorder affects an estimated half a million people in UK every winter between September and April; in particular during December, January and February. How nice to have a brief escape.

Rising above brume, I sail on a cirrus carpet through far-flung cerulean; sun bussed. Hirundo rusticas flock by with a flash of russet throats. The eye of heaven flutters, stippling evening; pomegranate across white chiffon curtains. Parachuting earthward, with sycamore, swirling towards appliqu้d leafage, I crash land in the mist slumped on my chaise lounge by the window. Twilight peers through the panes. Drawing the drapes across his sneer I switch the light on seasonal despair. He lingers outside, waiting for the scarab beetle to roll back the sun.
Archived comments for Brief Escape
Mikeverdi on 09-01-2015
Brief Escape
WOW! That's beautiful.
Mike

Author's Reply:
Thank you Mike - sorry for the late reply

ValDohren on 11-01-2015
Brief Escape
Beautifully descriptive, filled with imagination.
Val

Author's Reply:
Thanks Val - sorry for the late reply.


A Date with Grandpa (posted on: 01-12-14)
I wrote this after finding an old calendar in my mother's sideboard

Time was tucked between a cream Damask and gaudy gingham table cloth, second drawer down in her sideboard. Old Dulais Valley Calendar, 1986 Relics of my homeland; black and white prints. Seven Sisters Colliery, 1912 spans the front cover. My grandfather grafted here, dust blackened. Dressed in Sunday best, with 1950's waves, the Ladies choir smile across the back cover. Two faces, lightly circled; my mother's recognition of Aunty Hilda and Cousin Sue. I scan the past in bands and choirs until November spreads The Dulais Male Voice Choir, 1910 I squint at the countenance with a ballpoint halo enclosing Dad, faintly written. My dear Grandpa; the alien invaded his kidneys when I was a child. I continue drawer-sorting and visualize my mother, her mind trapped in a photo gallery of auld lang syne.
Archived comments for A Date with Grandpa
Mikeverdi on 01-12-2014
A Date with Grandpa
Wonderful, a trip down memory lane; sweet pain and anguish I have also experienced. Beautifully captured.
Mike

Author's Reply:
Thank you Mike. I'm glad you enjoyed this.
Eira

stormwolf on 01-12-2014
A Date with Grandpa
Hi Eira
Lovely to read you again. This was beautifully written and gently heart warming too. I have the same sort of experiences going through my mum's bureaux when I go home.
Only a matter of time before those things are gone forever.
Congrats on nib 😃
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - it's good to hear from you. I've been away too long. Life sometimes takes over. I often think about you and your Mum.
Eira

Ionicus on 02-12-2014
A Date with Grandpa
A beautiful, nostalgic poem, Eira. These are the kind of memories that we are reluctant to lose. Well done.
Luigi.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - good to hear from you.
Eira

pommer on 04-12-2014
A Date with Grandpa
A lovely Poem.I know what it feels like to find a relic of one's past. Just like my letter to my Granny, published a while ago. Be lucky, Peter.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Peter - I'll have to find your 'letter to my granny' to read.
Eira

Bozzz on 04-12-2014
A Date with Grandpa
This piece stirs so much for so many, but for some the activity described brings tears. Clearing up soon after death of a loved one can be very painful - but you found joy because of the time gap. Beautifully done Eira....David. Good Nib.

Author's Reply:
Hi David,

Thank you - what you said is so true. After a time gap we can look back with less pain and more joy. I'm glad you enjoyed this.

Eira

Mikeverdi on 10-01-2015
A Date with Grandpa
After reading your latest I came back to this one...I love it. Mike

Author's Reply:


The Mushroom House (posted on: 28-11-14)
Written after a visit to Hanbury Hall this summer

Opening the rugged door half hidden by hedera I peer inside, shivering in the eerie dusk. A brick wall bows over wooden segments of fertile soil, biding time for fungi growth. The door firmly shut, we scuff back along the bosky path canopied in laurel, watching out for rats in The Old Man's Beard. Standing in the parterre's profusion of shades I peer up at Hanbury Hall's windows and time travel back. The gardener picks buttons in the dark place for the cook below stairs. She chops them with shallots from the walled garden, creating a sauce to smother tonight's chicken. At midnight Emma Vernon wanders through the gardens, glides upstairs beneath the ceiling of assembled deities.
Archived comments for The Mushroom House
deadpoet on 28-11-2014
The Mushroom House
I don't know this place at all but your poem describes it well- I like the description of its present state and then looking into the past. Brilliant- and what an atmosphere you create!

Author's Reply:
Thank you, I'm glad to hear you felt the atmosphere here - that means a lot!
Eira

Savvi on 29-11-2014
The Mushroom House
Atmospheric and delightful the scenes you paint can almost be touched and oh the smell of those flowers, the poem is well balanced and keeps the reader involved stepping into different rooms and pathways, I really enjoyed this one thanks Keith

Author's Reply:
I'm so glad you enjoyed this. It means a lot to know that people can feel the atmosphere I tried to create.

Era

Gothicman on 30-11-2014
The Mushroom House
Yes, well-written, enjoyed this guided tour, could smell the flowers and made me hungry too! Good finish, felt I'd been there with you, . Should it be "travels back"? Excellent read.
Trevor

Author's Reply:
I'm so pleased that you felt you were there with me!
Thanks
Eira

chant_z on 30-11-2014
The Mushroom House
Carefully worded. Yes! A great read and a lot to learn for me I reckon.

Author's Reply:
Thank you chant!
Eira


Afloat (posted on: 18-08-14)
I couldn't sleep one night so wrote this hutain

Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave my irksome daytime chores, ignored. Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored. Then chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon.
Archived comments for Afloat
Supratik on 18-08-2014
Afloat
So finally you were in the sleep's lagoon! Very nice and measured usage of words, meter, and rhyme. I would have loved to see a steccato (sorry if I missed) because it would go well with the content. Wonderful write!

Best.

Author's Reply:

Mikeverdi on 18-08-2014
Afloat
Like this a lot, each part could stand on its own; nice writing.
Mike

Author's Reply:

Gothicman on 19-08-2014
Afloat
Beautiful poetry; rich and atmospheric, love this rhyme form, concise and like a lilting refrain, skillfully written and enjoyed!

Author's Reply:

Ionicus on 21-08-2014
Afloat
A nice, well crafted version of the huitain, Eira. Very enjoyable.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:


Skirmish with a Pirate (posted on: 12-05-14)
My husband actually saw this happen - except for the ending which is poetic license.

Rushes tremble - wading on slender stilts, neck stretched forward, he pauses ... thrusts his nib into the river. Wings unfold, umbrella-like, aqua ruffles as heron springs skyward, his take-away squirming. A roving gull pursues, menacingly swoops to clamp the carp's tail. Darting in disarray - pinions span flapping, beaks clench, grappling. They surge further. Assembled on an afghan, parasol eclipsing sun, a family chomps ham baps from their goodies basket. Children giggle, cakes clutched in sticky fingers. Diverting toward them the aerial pirate slackens his grasp.
Archived comments for Skirmish with a Pirate
Kipper on 13-05-2014
Skirmish with a Pirate
This puts me in mind of Spitfires and Messerschmitts spinning and weaving in WW2, (except maybe the sticky fingers.)

A nice vignette of everyday life in natures struggle for survival.

Michael.

Author's Reply:
Hi Michael - yes it is very much like 'war' isn't it? I just wish I'd been with my husband when he saw this happen.
Thanks
Eira

Ionicus on 13-05-2014
Skirmish with a Pirate
A battle for supremacy ends in defeat. Could the cakes be a consolation prize? An event nicely sketched.

Author's Reply:
Hi there - I have heard that these gulls will take anything - even grabbed a sandwich out of a toddlers hand!
Lovely to hear from you.
Eira


Stone Lady (posted on: 14-10-13)
Written after a visit to the garden of a historical home.

Moon spills into his studio, replete with scattered chisels and unhewn rock. His murmurs blend with magnolia rustling in summer's breath. Will he sculpt your tousled waves, caress cold lips into a smile, drape the curve of your breasts? Elegantly fashioned, you pose where bumbles and admirals flit beneath the willow arch entwined with honeysuckle scent. Are you yesterday's love, ablaze like floribunda beds, dampened with autumn's melancholic tears? Or perhaps a midnight phantom, lured into Morpheus's realm - your vision cleaved into porphyry.
Archived comments for Stone Lady
mageorge on 14-10-2013
Stone Lady
"Moon spills into the studio, replete

with scattered chisels and unhewn rock." Brilliant poetry, in my opinion.



Well written and presented.



All the best,

Mark. Comment amended... Apologies.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your warm comments Mark. I have not posted for a while, so people might have forgotten me. LOL!

Thank you so much for the rating too.

Eira

Bozzz on 14-10-2013
Stone Lady
It takes time for some of us to work our way down the list and it is still only Monday. But Mark is right - beautiful picture skilfully drawn.

Author's Reply:
Thank you Bozzz - I'm glad you found my poem. I haven't had time to comment on any other poems yet - tomorrow's job!
Thanks for the rating too.
Eira

Ionicus on 15-10-2013
Stone Lady
Nice to read your work again, Eira.
As David said, it takes time to wade through the list, which at times can be quite long, and ponder on the various entries before offering one's view. In your case it can only be positive.
An excellent poem, full of imagery.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hello Luigi, I've been away for too long. I've missed everyone.
Thanks for your lovely comments - and the rating too.
Eira x

franciman on 15-10-2013
Stone Lady
Hi there,
Not that I'm any kind of judge, but I find a real excellence in this. It is stuffed full of texture and depth yet brought together with a very light touch.
The artist as lover is a fairly erotic suggestion that is bang on the money.
I do go on! But then I found it compelling.
cheers,
Jim

Author's Reply:
Hi Jim

What lovely comments! I have spent some time working on this, but it seems all worthwhile when I read your praise!
Thank you - and for the fantastic rating.

Eira

stormwolf on 15-10-2013
Stone Lady
Wonderful to read you again Eira.
You have not lost the ability to weave the most exquisite mental pictures in beautiful words that stay long after the poem has been read.
A delight and well deserving of the nib and the nomination. Alison x

Author's Reply:
It's wonderful to be back, Alison!
I've been busy with house renovations amongst other things and don't seem to write much lately - got lots n my head but very little written down - yet!
Thanks for the wonderful rating - so encouraging.
Eira x

Mikeverdi on 16-10-2013
Stone Lady
Beautiful poetry, all has been said so I will just leave it at that. Mike

Author's Reply:
Thank you Mike - and for the wonderful rating
Eira

Bozzz on 16-10-2013
Stone Lady
Hi again Eira,
Congrats on the nib and thank you for taking the time to come back to me, Snow + surname White? Lovely.

Author's Reply:


Crows (posted on: 05-07-13)
This poem is all true!

Their ruckus startles -- flocking across the sky like inkblots splattering embossed paper. The murder flurries to the lawn: wings beat, beaks stab, piercing shrieks. I wince. My dog leaps from a nap, yapping, charges to scatter them. Surging to poplar arms they chatter in protest. Silence. Roses scent the air; where grass fringes their bed my pooch noses the prostrate victim, still alive, bloodied neck, pecked. I dash for my mobile. The avian ambulance arrives; a rescue officer rushes the listless pigeon away. Life's pendulum swings. Radio One Lunch-time News: A gang's frenzied attack leaves a lone passer-by with critical injuries in Intensive Care. kraa-kraa-kraa Crows taunt from a sycamore -- wood pigeons perch in a wing-to-wing line, on next-door's roof. ru-hoo ru ru-hoo
Archived comments for Crows
Texasgreg on 05-07-2013
Crows
Aye! Gangs seem to be everywhere nowadays, eh?
I could just see you phoning in a crippled bird whist standing vigil...

Greg ๐Ÿ™‚

 photo Gunspincowboy.gif

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your comment Greg, I do appreciate it. I'm way too late answering this - my apologies!
Eira

Andrea on 05-07-2013
Crows
Nice, visual piece (and nice to see your posting again). I actually like crows ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Sorry for the very very late reply. We are busy at the moment doing house renovations and I can't seem to keep up with anything (old age creeping on!)

I like all birds actually and love watching them. I witnessed this poem first hand. I have a few more poems to write about birds - can't get my head round them yet! Hope my brain will function soon! LOL!

Eira


Awakening (posted on: 01-02-13)
Looking forward to spring!

I stir from languor, when the swallows trill in distant wetland reeds. In reverie I rest beneath our old magnolia tree as nascent buds emerge. Though east winds chill, the eye of heaven warms, rainfall sustains dispersed autumnal seeds of marigolds and primulas. I watch them grow, unfold their petals to embroider my terrains. Forsythia blooms against the kitchen wall; nearby two blue tits nest inside their box above a frill of evening scented stocks. Entwined with life, I answer Gaia's call to turn away from winter's shadows, leap into the light, as earth awakes from sleep.
Archived comments for Awakening
karen123 on 01-02-2013
Awakening
It is raining and blowing a gale outside - but in spite of that Spring is on the way - and your poem reminded me of all the good things to come.
Beautifully written - really enjoyed it

Author's Reply:

ValDohren on 01-02-2013
Awakening
Lovely poem with some heart-warming imagery. Spring will soon be here, so lets hope it brings some good weather.

Val ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Bozzz on 02-02-2013
Awakening
A very comfortable poem, comforting too. I enjoyed it.
Being a bird enthusiast, one small point, swallows twitter, they do not trill.... within poetic licence - not worth changing the words !....Bozzz

Author's Reply:

Bozzz on 02-02-2013
Awakening
A very comfortable poem, comforting too. I enjoyed it.
Being a bird enthusiast, one small point, swallows twitter, they do not trill.... within poetic licence - not worth changing the words !....Bozzz

Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 02-02-2013
Awakening
Hi Eira,
I do not usually enjoy wrap around sentences but you do it so well. I love your work and this is no exception. It warmed my heart on this bleak February day. I am sure I have told you before but your work is as rich as a tapestry and your love of nature shows me we are kindred spirits.

Alison x

Author's Reply:

Texasgreg on 27-03-2013
Awakening
I was guessing that you were from Georgia...
Wrong! Lol...

Super piece.

Greg ๐Ÿ™‚

Photobucket.

Author's Reply:


Last Supper (posted on: 14-01-13)
I hope you're not feeling squeemish!

Starter: Bran Main Course: Fish food and carrots Dessert: Thirst quenching fruit Oblivious to fate they gorge until stuffed, before being thrust into the leopard's den. In a dark niche, the predator lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near. Eyes wide he watches, begins to stalk. Excited, tail trembling he pounces … crunch! Shaping a smile, his mouth is loaded with cricket legs wriggling, guts oozing -- a wholesome feast for my Leopard Gecko.
Archived comments for Last Supper
amman on 14-01-2013
Last Supper
Like the denouement in the final stanza; didn't see that coming.
Good pet. Must be cheaper to feed than a dog/cat. Nice poem.
Regards.

Author's Reply:
Hi there - thanks for your comments.
Yes, leopard geckos are good pets, very docile and you only have them out when you want.
Eira
Thanks for the rating

Texasgreg on 14-01-2013
Last Supper
Aye! A neighbor of ours had a farm on which they raised pigs. Watching the glee and gratefulness in which they ate perplexed me as I child. I had no idea how they could be so happy as I assumed they must know why they were so well cared for, lol. Here's a video I've been itching to share and guess this sub is as good a place as any. Food is food, after all...

Oh! - Cool observation well written, IMO.


Greg ๐Ÿ™‚



Author's Reply:
Wow Greg! I'm so glad you shared that with me! That's unbelievable! My son's Koi carp is getting rather large - I'll have to make sure I don't put my hnd too near LOl!

Thanks for commenting - I'm glad you appreciated this one.

Eira

stormwolf on 26-01-2013
Last Supper
Seem to have missed this one Eira and it's very descriptive with a twist in the tail alright. ๐Ÿ™‚
That Gecko sure lives the life of Riley by the sounds of it. Lovely to read you again.
Alison x

Author's Reply:


November Frost (posted on: 09-11-12)
PLEASE NOTE - this is written in clogyrnach (Welsh form) not huitain form as I originally wrote.THANK YOU Luigi for pointing out that huitain has 8 lines not 6 - I then realised I'd written the wrong form down. I got the idea for writing this from a newspaper heading.

Enhanced by rhinestones on her crown, soft curves are draped in sequinned gown. Suddenly the rain douses her terrain, now she's plain muddied brown
. Line 1:- 8 syllables - rhyme A Line 2:- 8 syllables - rhyme A Line 3:- 5 syllables - rhyme B Line 4:- 5 syllables - rhyme B Line 5:- 3 syllables - rhyme B Line 6:- 3 syllables - rhyme A
Archived comments for November Frost
roger303 on 09-11-2012
November Frost
Cleverly written both from a poetic and technical stance.


Author's Reply:
Thank you Roger! & for the rating.
Eira

Harpie on 09-11-2012
November Frost
There are so many forms and structures. I really enjoy reading them, good use of the format.

Author's Reply:
Thank you for your kind words Harpie. I must point out that I mistakenly said this was huitain form, whereas it is actually clogyrnach (Welsh form). Good fun to write.
Eira

Andrea on 09-11-2012
November Frost
Clever, Capricorn (even if we haven't had any November frost yet :))

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea - we've had a few frosty mornings (longing for summer!)
Eira
Thanks for the rating

butters on 09-11-2012
November Frost
November, like a starlet on the red carpet, relies on a bit of bling to sparkle. sparkle's transient - learn to embrace the brown ๐Ÿ˜‰ where would we be without it?

interesting form.

Author's Reply:
Hi butters - love your comment!

The form is interesting - I made a mistake as it is actually clogyrnach (Welsh form). The last 2 lines I found most difficult.
Thanks for the rating
Eira

ValDohren on 09-11-2012
November Frost
So many poetic forms, never heard of this one before. Cleverly done, inspired too.

Val

Author's Reply:
Hi Val - so many poetic forms an I got this one wrong - it is actually a Welsh form clogyrnach. I found the last 2 lines particularly difficult as they had to be so short.
Eira
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 10-11-2012
November Frost
A nice short verse, Eira. I thought that the huitain was a poem of eight lines but the form you used is just as good.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi - thanks for pointing out that huitan has 8 lines as I then realised I'd written the wrong form. It is actually a Welsh form - clogyrnach. This is a completely new form to me,butbeing Welsh myself, perhaps I should try more often.
Eira x

Mikeverdi on 10-11-2012
November Frost
I haven't a clue what you are all talking about, but I liked the verse. I will have to look up the rest! Mike

Author's Reply:
Hi Mike - hope you've had time to look up some forms! I made a mistake with this one which is actually a Welsh form called clogyrnach, so there's another on to look up. Thanks for the rating.
Eira

amman on 11-11-2012
November Frost
Hi Eira.
Cleverly composed. An intriguing verse. By the by, I'm Welsh too and lived in Birmingham for 20 years. Small world. Nice to meet ya.
Cheers.

Author's Reply:
Sorry I'm so late answering this. I'mglad you enjoyed this.
Yes - a small world and it's nice to meet you too!
Eira
Thanks for the rating too

peg on 11-11-2012
November Frost
An interesting form, and enjoyed the content too.Cleverly written...Maggie

Author's Reply:
Hi Maggie - sorry I'm so late answering. I really do appreciate your comments and thanks for the rating.
Eira

Texasgreg on 20-12-2012
November Frost
Hehe...whatever form, it tickled my imagination.

Greg ๐Ÿ™‚

Photobucket.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Greg! I'm glad you were tickled!
Eira


Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five (posted on: 26-10-12)
I hope you 'get' this!

Not knocking, I clunked open the door, into a room supposedly vacant, yet a woman sat by the window, sun glossing her dun mane which sprawled around furrowed features. She crooned cradling her baby in a white sheet, rhythmically rocking their bodies on the plush russet chair. Sorry I breathed; she didn't hear, life entangled in bygones. The old lady smiled but her doting gaze never left the plumped pillow-face.
Archived comments for Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
ValDohren on 26-10-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
Very poignant - like it.

Author's Reply:
Sorry I'm so late answering - glad you like it Thanks for the rating
Eira

Andrea on 27-10-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
Yes, I think I 'got' it. Extremely vivid and atmospheric I thought. Loved the 'dun mane' and 'plush russet chair' etc.

Author's Reply:
Sorry I'm so late answering Andrea. Glad you like the parts I'd tried to sound different. If you 'got it' - the old lady had dementia and her baby was a pillow wrapped in a white sheet. Happened at my mothers nursing home. Very sad!
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 27-10-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
A sad tale, Eira. Congratulations on the nib.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi - Sorry I'm so late answering. Yes a sad tale - happened at my mothers nursing home.
Thanks for the rating
Eira x

amman on 28-10-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
I get it. Poignant, sad and beautifully expressed.
Regards.

Author's Reply:
So glad you 'get it' - a very sad story.
Thanks for the rating
Eira

Mikeverdi on 29-10-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
Get it or not, its beautifully written. Mike

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mike - yes i don't think you have to get a poem to enjoy it. I'm so pleased you think its beautiful.
Thanks for the rating.
Eira

butters on 31-10-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
some vivid imagery and an emotional hook to this.
'sun glossing her dull mane' feels pretty original wording.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your lovely comments -and yes I was struggling to be original, so I'm glad t worked.
Eira

Texasgreg on 24-11-2012
Lost in Bedroom Twenty Five
Doin' a bit of catch-up. Aye, I had guessed the nursing home as I once worked in one doing maintenance. Heart breaking place to be regardless of which end of the stick you're on.

Greg ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Greg - another late reply from me. I guess you have a good idea of what this is about as you've worked in a nursing home. Very heart breaking!
Eira


Starlit Seduction (posted on: 19-10-12)
This sonnet is a revision of one of the first poems I submitted on UKA

Cerulean dims as twilight's cobalt sheet unfurls a welcome shade from searing heat. She slumbers, drifting into dreams, where night's seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light. Beguiled by winking eyes she stirs to flirt, caressing silver buttons on his shirt and flaunts a galaxy of dazzling gems on midnight's hand. He lifts her sequined hems as stellar rays embrace the dark. Deep sighs, when kisses scatter over sultry skies and burst in supernova's rising cloud; the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud. When welkin rolls away its cover, flush with stars, she wakes aglow in day's first blush.
Archived comments for Starlit Seduction
BATEMAN on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
A good poem well versed.
"She slumbers, drifting in to dreams where nights
seductive moonbeams dance in umbra light"
favourite lines xxxxx

Author's Reply:
Hi there - I'm so pleased you enjoyed this and thanks for the rating.
Eira x

Mikeverdi on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
Beautiful. Mike

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mike - and for the rating.
Eira

franciman on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
and burst in supernovaโ€™s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud.

Super verse and the above are superlative lines.
Great Stuff,
cheers,
Jim

Author's Reply:
Hi Jim - thanks for your lovely commentsand the rating.

Eira

ValDohren on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
Lovely poem, great imagery.



Author's Reply:
Thank you for your lovely comments and for the rating.
Eira

Ionicus on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
I had to go back to the original poem (with its inbuilt revision) to remind me how it read then. I have to say that the current version is much more polished but just as fresh.
Enjoyed it greatly.

Luigi xx

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi
I'm glad you compared this to the original. I often come back to a poem after a while to revise as I find my style of writing is constantly changing (slightly)
Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the rating.
Eira x

Bozzz on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
A delicate stellar seduction - great word selection and imagery, with a truly beautiful flow. I like it very much.
David Bozzz.

Author's Reply:

Bozzz on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
A delicate stellar seduction - great word selection and imagery, with a truly beautiful flow. I like it very much.
David Bozzz.

Author's Reply:

Bozzz on 19-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
A delicate stellar seduction - great word selection and imagery, with a truly beautiful flow. I like it very much.
David Bozzz.

Author's Reply:
Hi David - i'm so glad you enjoyed this.
Eira

Andrea on 20-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
Crikey, I've gorn all 'ot and bovvered!

Author's Reply:
Perhaps a cool shower, Andrea! LOL!

Eira

peg on 24-10-2012
Starlit Seduction
A stunning sonnet ! Loved it...Maggie

Author's Reply:
I'm so pleased you liked this Maggie - thanks for the rating too.
Eira


Gran's Parlour (posted on: 05-10-12)
Sometimes, memories just come rolling back!

I barely remember the details of that spick and span room, opened only to exclusive visitors. Grandpa's terminal bed was planted in the corner when his kidneys were invaded. Hushed voices crept under the door; Gran gathered me in to say hello. Unshaved, he lay propped on plump pillows; gaunt and unspeaking. Just a shadow. I should have kissed him goodbye, before he slept there in oak with brass handles. I played in there with Kate whose Aunty lived next door. Snakes slithered up ladders; she perched on a leather pouffe while I squatted on the woven willow stool Grandpa had crafted for me.
Archived comments for Gran's Parlour
Mikeverdi on 05-10-2012
Grans Parlour
I love this, its extremely moving. I think you have brought back memories for many of us. The composition and turn of phrase are just brilliant. I dont tend to do favorites but if I did this would be in there. Mike

Author's Reply:
Sorry I'm so late returning to this. Thank you so much for your kind words and the rating.

Eira

Ani on 05-10-2012
Grans Parlour
It is sincere and simple, it almost brings a vivid image in front of your eyes. Well written. Thanks for the read.
Fureya

Author's Reply:
Hello - thank you so much, I'm glad this paited a vivd image for you.

Eira

Andrea on 05-10-2012
Grans Parlour
Very moving. I remember my Granny's flat in Norf Lundin very well. Amongst other things she had a wood covered bath which doubled as a table, and a flowery chamber pot under the bed. No hot water or washing machines in those days, all very stark. 14 kids, too...

Well, as you can see, that took me back...:)

Author's Reply:
Glad this took you back Andrea. Yes I remember the chamber pot under the bed - no upstairs loo --and she had a mangle to squeeze water out of her washing. we don't know how lucky we are today. Although I sometimes think life was less stressful then!

Eira

Thanks for the rating

amman on 06-10-2012
Grans Parlour
This is so like a Welsh parlour. Moving images in this well written poem. 'Snakes slithering up ladders'; love it.
Cheers.

Author's Reply:
It was a Welsh parlour!

Glad you enjoyed the read.

Thanks for the rating.

Eira

Bozzz on 06-10-2012
Grans Parlour
The journey from life to death in that one room can be perilous or peaceful - you travelled well, but helpfully forgot the detail. A truly great poem. David

Author's Reply:
Hello David

Thanks for your kind words - and the rating.

Eira

stormwolf on 06-10-2012
Grans Parlour
Everyone has beaten me to it.

Very moving, Eira

Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - sorry I'm so late. Always good to see you here.

Eira x

Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 07-10-2012
Grans Parlour
Verses full of poignancy, Eira.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi -sorry my reply is so late.

Eira x
Thanks for the rating too!


Rhythm of Life (posted on: 28-09-12)
This is a revision of an old poem 'Melodies of Life' - following the seasons.

When prelude plays crescendo rousing earth, one farmer wakes to tend new lambs, then ploughs his barley fields where mice have given birth in scrub beneath horse chestnut's gravid boughs. Light showers suckle buttercup bouquets. A rainbow weaves through Mama's lullaby; I fly away with bluebirds while she sways me, lids becoming heavy hush-a-bye. I leap awake, sap surging through young veins, perplexed by urges launching my debut to full-fledged days. Hip-hopping through terrains where cannabis and poppies splash their hue, ear-splitting heavy metal captivates me. Distant strains beguile me to explore beyond my tribal nest and relocate; uplifted by a buoyant gust ... I soar Drifting into autumn's cool repose, beneath the copper beech's russet blends a lento tempo comforts me to doze. I stir ... as waltzing foliage descends, acacias casting veils for simple dress. When primrose borders wilt in disarray I catch the bloom as dog days evanesce -- take heed of alterations with dismay. The alder nods to downtime's bleak advance, it's willow tit laments, as nature plays diminuendo. Tumbling flakes enhance the stark reality of life's malaise. Will memories become immersed in mist, my dignity purloined as health degrades? Bone-chilled I'm lulled to slumber, spirit kissed by welkin light, as my finale fades. Hoarfrost departs with winter's solemn dirge as worms and woodlice cultivate the ground. Quiescent creatures stir while shoots emerge and swallows trill where wetland reeds abound. Remaining scions thrive to generate a myriad of branchlets on our tree. As seasons shift, their rhythms modulate in time with life's legato melody.
Archived comments for Rhythm of Life
stormwolf on 28-09-2012
Rhythm of Life
Wonderful to see one of my fav poets back again! and you never disappoint. This is so full of rich beauty, pathos and sweet sorrow mixed in with acceptance....you really have woven a web of wonder encaspulating the seasons of life and our precious place among it all.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thank you Alison - it's good to be back after having a break from writing. Great to hear from you.
Eira x
Thanks for the wonderful rating - how encouraging!

Texasgreg on 29-09-2012
Rhythm of Life
Photobucket

Alison stole my thunder as I can't but reiterate and add that you thought this out very well by your final edit.

Superduper!

Can't nib ya, but I can rib ya!

Greg ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Greg - thank you for your encouraging words. Love the picture - I could just eat that!
Eira

Ionicus on 29-09-2012
Rhythm of Life
Hello Eira, nice to see you back. As you said that this is a revision of 'Melodies of Life' I went and read that poem and can honestly say that the two poems, although they are about the seasons, are so different from one another that calling this a revision does it a disservice. You can call them two versions of a similar topic and, in my humble opinion, two classy compositions. Well done.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi, you are right - this is more of a rewrite than a revision. I have brought in more musical nature details in this version. Thank you for taking time to read the original write and calling them both 'classy writes' - very encouraging words.
Eira x
Thanks for the rating too.

Mikeverdi on 29-09-2012
Rhythm of Life
Truly beautiful

Author's Reply:
Thank you for your kind words and the rating.
Eira

Andrea on 30-09-2012
Rhythm of Life
Beautiful, and lovely to see you back ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea - its lovely to be back after a dry spell.
Eira


Mistaken Identity (posted on: 25-05-12)
It's funny what sparks off memories.

I pause to check familiar waves of salt and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned against the biting easterlies' assault. A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned about your wispy frame, and I'm enticed to delve into nostalgic reveries: Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun and spiced with tea and cakes. Then age sneaked up; disease kidnapped your mind as slowly, roles reversed. Pink roses brush sweet lilies wreathed on oak. A waterfall cascaded; though immersed beneath I was buoyed up by kindly folk. I shiver when you turn, revealing just a shadow of the face I've reminisced; my vision drifts away upon a gust of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist
Archived comments for Mistaken Identity
Nomenklatura on 25-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Hmm... I once had quite a long conversation with someone who wasn't who I thought they were. We were at cross-purposes for a few moments, before I realised and began to explain that I'd thought they were someone else. I even began to tell them about the person they weren't. They must have thought I was mad.

That's nothing to do with this very well-crafted and haunting poem.

regards
Ewan

Author's Reply:
Hi Ewan

Yes I've done that too - embarassing, eh?

Eira

sunken on 25-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Beautifully sad, if that makes sense. It did in my head before I typed it. Perhaps I should have left it untyped. Hopefully you'll know what I mean. If you do could you please let me know. One day, Erma, I will write a comment worthy of your work. Until then here's a smelly beagle with a penchant for Jaffa cakes.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
That makes perfect sense to me, Sunk and I have said the same myself about other people's poems.
Thank you for the beautiful beagle - a great honour!
Eira
Haven't had a jaffa cake for years!

stormwolf on 25-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Wonderfully sad. Again, I will think of it after leaving your page.
Just lovely, meaningful poetry.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - this actally happened last year when I saw someone who from back view looked so much like my mother - even the clothes she wore!
Thanks for the rating
Eira x

Texasgreg on 26-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Eira, I'm glad this was tweeted as I would have missed it otherwise. I can only echo sentiments above and add that hopefully someone will love us enough some day to remember us in the same way. I had to go over the last line a few times, but in my defense, I'm sitting down and a lot goes over my head, ๐Ÿ˜‰

Greg ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Greg

I guess you'll have to read poetry standing up! LOL!

Yes - I hope to be remembered in the same way too. Nice to have you comment.

Eira

Thanks for the rating and hot author too!

Bradene on 26-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
What more can a late comer say that hasn't already been said? I'ts so visual and I see them so clearly, her thoughts and reminiscences are so easy to identify with. Dementia is the cruelest of enemies you never recognise, until it has a stranglehold that is impossible to break and you can only watch until it squeezes the last drop of life out of the one you so loved. A poem that will haunt me for the rest of the day. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thank you so much for the rating, Val. I think my best poems are those that come from the heart - like this one.
Eira x

Andrea on 26-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Sad, melancholy and visual. Lovely stuff.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea - and for the rating.

I'm struggling tonight - its taking at least 3 minutes to reply instaed of seconds. I am having trouble with UK that isn't happpening with anywhere else. Any suggestions?

stormwolf on 26-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Hi Eira
I came back after reading it again (and wished I had rated it 10) but to nominate it but someone has beaten me to it. A thoroughly beautiful poem, one of your best (and that's saying something! ) ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison - thanks for your lovely thoughts. This one started as FV - then just fell together once I changed to rhyme. It's about my mother - a subject always dear to my heart.
Eira x

Ionicus on 26-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
A poem full of poignancy and lyricism, beautifully crafted.
Congratulations on the accolades.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thans Luigi - and for the rating.
Eira x

amman on 27-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
I came late to reading this but have read it several times since.
Haunting and so wistfully nostalgic. Skillfully crafted.
Regards

Author's Reply:
Hi Amman - thank you so much for your kind comments and for the wonderful rating. I am so pleased you enjoyed this.
Eira

Capricorn on 27-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
Thank you whoever nominated this - it's a gret honour



Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 27-05-2012
Mistaken Identity
When my dad died I saw *him* everywhere (even in his fav jumper) he was at the other side of the road, in a passing car or in busy Marks and Spencers.
The feeling always was that in some silly way, if I reached him in time he would still be alive. It highlighted the grief and would have made a good poem but it was 28 years ago, just before I started writing poetry in earnest. It's a strange thing but well known to bereavment counsellors.
I was able to really catch what you were saying and I felt the pain in it too. x

Author's Reply:


Captive Bred (posted on: 21-05-12)
A revision of an oldie.

While creatures pace inside enclosures, stalking tourists make exposures of the sights at feeding time. The beasts can't prowl for prey, but feast on joints and fowl. These chosen bites replace the chase to capture food appeasing natural aptitude, with this buffet. The herds stampede to peer behind the prison bars where life's confined. Without dismay, they see the concrete habitats bestowed upon these graceful cats. Once roaming through the wild as savage predators, today they're chased by editors for their debut in Wildlife Magazine, a glint of nature's beauty posed in print. This masquerade is captured by elitist vultures for a glimpse beyond their culture's barricade.
Archived comments for Captive Bred
Andrea on 21-05-2012
Captive Bred
Yes, it's sad. Although I do wonder whether some species have been saved from extinction by zoological breeding programmes.

Either way a thought-provoking piece with lovely use of language.

Author's Reply:
Yes, I do think some have been saved from extinction and Safari Parks give animals a lot more freedom, however there are still some places that make me sad. Mixed feelings!
Eira
Thanks for the rating

Bradene on 21-05-2012
Captive Bred
Some Zoos were once appalling, but these days they do strive I think to make things as natural for the animals and they do a lot of good work for endangered species. I do remember going to a tiny zoo in Cromer when my girls were small, well over 40 years ago now (EEK!) and seeing some of the awful conditions the Primates were kept in, some wouldn't look at you and kept their faces to the wall all the time, it was horrific. I remember it took us all that week while we were on holiday to keep the girls minds off what we saw. It was awful and the worst holiday experience we had. Your poem makes you think and it is very well composed and as Andrea says a great use of language. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thank goodness, zoos have improved these days, your holiday experience sounds awful. I can still think of places where I really feel there is not enough room for these animals though. The safari parks are a lot better really.
Eira
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 21-05-2012
Captive Bred
A good one Eira. Food for thought clearly expressed and well argued.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - and for the rating!

Eira

stormwolf on 22-05-2012
Captive Bred
I weep for the animals.
Sometimes it all gets too much. It is comforting to link with others who feel the same
Alison x


Author's Reply:
It is sad and as I've said I feel the safari parks offer more freedom.
Thanks for the rating
Eira


Triumphant Day (posted on: 14-05-12)
A sonnet (revision of one I submitted over a year ago)

Old rooster lifts his head to call -- arise, let slumber fade! Aurora deftly braids vermilion ribbons through empurpled skies, creating tapestries of wondrous shades. A fresh bouquet ascends, as lacy dew embraces meadows, where a blackcap sings its flute-like flourish, perched within the yew. Nearby a solitary church bell rings. Soft flurries whiffle aspen leaves awake in woodlands filled with warbled melodies. The welkin's licked with fiery tongues to break through opalescent twilight. Dawn's reprise crescendos through the earth; soon warmth is spread as Sun now leaps triumphant from his bed.
Archived comments for Triumphant Day
Nomenklatura on 14-05-2012
Triumphant Day
Lovely poem. Not a great fan of 'crescendo' used as a verb, but I think you need an e before the s.

Author's Reply:
Hi Nomenklautura - you got me thinking over 'crescendos' so I looked it up in Merriam Webster Dictionary which says there are 3 ways of writing the plural to crescendo. They are 'crescendos' crescendoes' and 'crescendi' (not heard of that before!)
So it seem your way and my way of writing crescendos are both ok.
Thanks for your comments
Eira

Andrea on 14-05-2012
Triumphant Day
Very nice indeed. The birds are warbling beautifully in the garden here, too ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea - especially for the rating.
Eira

Bradene on 14-05-2012
Triumphant Day
This made me long for Dorset, Mac and I used to live near Ferndown, and the marvelous array of birdlife down there was amazing. Here the nearest to exotic we get is the occasional Bluetits. Lovely poem. Valx

Author's Reply:
So glad this brought back happy memories Val.
Eira x
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 14-05-2012
Triumphant Day
The one you submitted previously must have passed me by as I don't recall it but this version is exquisite, Eira. Thoroughly enjoyable. Well done.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
So glad you enjoyed this Luigi - and thanks so much for the rating.
Eira x

e-griff on 14-05-2012
Triumphant Day
Good sonnet. Nice rhymes, good rhythm, fluent meaning.

I wondered if the internal rhyme in verse one (fade/braid) stood up on its own (not repeated inthe other verses) and if the broken line into the last couplet was legit. I've always understood the couplet should stand alone and be a wee joke or pithy saying, summing up the dilemma developed in the body of the poem.

Author's Reply:
Hi John
You know I never even realised I'd rhymed fade/braid - might just change that.
The enjambment in the final couplet probably isn't legit - but from what what I've read from modern soneteers, rules are made to be broken.
Eira

chant_z on 15-05-2012
Triumphant Day
Excellent indeed but as non native English speaker it was quite a learning process for me :). Thank you ver much. Brilliant

Author's Reply:
As a non native English speaker, you seem to be doing very well.
Thank you for commenting
Eira

stormwolf on 18-05-2012
Triumphant Day
Lovely! rich and uplifting, totally in tune with nature. You have a classical feel to your poetry I am sure I have told you before ๐Ÿ˜‰
A pleasure to read.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Others have mentioned the classical feel too, Alison. I'm so glad you enjoyed this - and thanks for the rating!
Eira x


Easy Lover (posted on: 11-05-12)
Written in huitain form aab aab cc

They met in dunes behind the bay, seduced by warmth she cast away her scant bikini top to bare her virgin skin. Long fingers played on tender breasts; as beach grass swayed she bathed in his caress. She'll wear a gown today when tests uncover melanoma from her lover.
Archived comments for Easy Lover
Bradene on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
WHY!! has this no comments a brilliant piece with a serious message for us all. Excellent work here.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Val. This is a bit different from my usual - I'm not usually so clever LOL!

Thanks for the rating - much appreciated
Eira x

sunken on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
I agree. If this doesn't get a nib I'll be exposing my placards and no mistake. An excellent little sub. All I can do is whack a Bernard on ya. Deserves much, much more. Well done.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Now put yur placards away, Sunkie - the nib is there, but thanks for the Bernard too which is a great honor.
Eira

e-griff on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
very nice, good message. But I just felt the last line was not quite on-song (and wonder if you found it so.)

Author's Reply:
Yes - that last line is not right is it? I think it's because it should read 'her hot lover' which wouldn't fit meter. Perhaps I should just leave it at 'her lover'?

Andrea on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
Ooooh, crikey, that's a scary one! Nice work, well done!

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea - yes very scarey, especially as skin cancer can take 20 years to materialise!!!

Thanks for the rating!
Eira

Ionicus on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
Yes, serious message; read and understood, Eira, but somehow the connection between melanoma and hot lover seemed a bit arbitrary. I hesitated before commenting because of that reservation.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi

Her hot lover is a metaphor for the sun, if that helps.
Eira x

e-griff on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
hmmm I think my objection would be removed if the last line read 'a melanoma from her lover' - which makes grammatic sense.

Author's Reply:
Just what I've been thinking - thanks!
Eira

stormwolf on 12-05-2012
Unprotected Love
LOVE the ending! Like having cold water thrown on a fire.
Unexpected and genius.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison. I don't know how this one came together - usually when I try to be clever it doesn't work. LOL! Glad it worked for you.
Eira x
Thanks for the rating!

Gee on 13-05-2012
Unprotected Love
I loved the way you turned this so deftly so that the ending was unexpected, but I could also see how you arrived at it.
Very nicely done indeed.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Gee! Glad you enjoyed this one.
Eira

Ionicus on 14-05-2012
Unprotected Love
Of course, dear Eira, how could I have missed the metaphor.
There are none so blind as those who don't want to see.
Or, alternatively, I could blame it on senility.
Glad your poem got the attention, and the accolade, it deserved.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:


The Kiss (posted on: 02-04-12)
No harm in dreaming!!!

Revision & new title Morpheus' Tryst Arms linked, he escorted me home, through dim-lit avenues avoiding rowdy crowds. Cosy on the sofa we chatted, chuckling at his banter, until clock chimes suggest we whisper goodnight. He noted the ring I wore, yet bold lips brushed mine; a lingering feather-touch, tantalizingly tender ... leaving me gasping as we swayed in the doorway, wide eyes scribbling messages; titillations. Warm breath tickles my neck; smothered in sinfulness I crave more, then jolt awake, my heart drumming percussion to warblers early serenade. My husband sleeps -- nuzzling closer I dare to live the dream. ---------------------------------------- Arms linked, he escorted me home, through dim-lit avenues avoiding rowdy crowds. Cosy on the sofa we chatted, chuckling at his banter, until clock chimes suggest we whisper goodnight. He understood I was taken yet bold lips brushed mine; a lingering feather-touch, tantalizingly tender ... leaving me gasping as we swayed in the doorway, wide eyes scribbling messages; titillations. I jolt awake, my heart drumming percussion to warblers early serenade. Warm breath tickles my neck; I face the man I love -- my husband. Smothered in sinfulness I crave for more. Turning back to doze, I dare to smooch again.
Archived comments for The Kiss
Andrea on 02-04-2012
The Kiss
Oooh, I say! I'm all hot and bothered now! Very nice indeed, Capricorn.

Author's Reply:
Hi Andrea - sorry for the very late reply. I've just revised this a bit too.
Thanks for the rating

cooky on 02-04-2012
The Kiss
Hot stuff indeed. Captures the moment, excellent poetry

Author's Reply:
Thanks cooky - sorry for the late reply

stormwolf on 03-04-2012
The Kiss
Hi Eira
Lovely to read you again. I can relate...I think most of us have enjoyed those little daliances in the dream world! ๐Ÿ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the comment & rating Alison. I am so late replying - don't know where time has gone. I've revised this a little.Hope all is well with you.
Eira x

royrodel on 03-04-2012
The Kiss
sweet

Author's Reply:
Sorry for the very very late reply - thanks for the rating.
Eira

Ionicus on 03-04-2012
The Kiss
A satisfying dream, Eira.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi - I am so late replying!! Thank you for the rating.
Sweet dreams
Eira x

ChairmanWow on 03-04-2012
The Kiss
This evokes what a lot of people feel at certain times. Well done, Eira.

Ralph

Author's Reply:
Thanks for commenting Ralph. I'm sorry to be so late replying!
Eira

Bradene on 04-04-2012
The Kiss
Lovely, lovely lovely. So erotic and very evocotive of younger days. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thank you for commenting - sorry for this very very late reply. It's always good to hear from you. Thanks for the rating.
Eira x


Sirius Shines On (posted on: 27-01-12)
A sad memory! A revision of my poem Heaven's Kennel

My scented candle flickered through the gloom to usher me. I knelt beside you, plumped soft pillows underneath your head, then slumped as lavender aroma filled the room. With duvet spread across a dozing frame, old eyelids fluttered when I gently stroked your freckled face. I tried to speak, but choked on my farewell, sputtering out your name. Fond reminiscences of youthful days -- a life aglow with energetic zest; effulgence dimmed to soothe your soul to rest. My goodbye kiss was murmured through a haze of biting sorrow, for your spark had gone, a burnt out form remained. I blazed with grief. New light appeared as tears gave some relief. Outside an avian chorus welcomed dawn. In dreams you scamper through the fields; my star you dazzle still. Remembering that night I feel the poignancy of loss ignite, yet sense your cherished essence from afar. *Sirius -- Dog star
Archived comments for Sirius Shines On
orangedream on 27-01-2012
Sirius Shines On
This is so very poignant, Capricorn. Some very effective imagery.

Tina

Author's Reply:
Thanks for commenting Tina

Eira

Kat on 27-01-2012
Sirius Shines On
A beautiful and loving poem. Very moving.

Kat x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Kat - good to hear from you.

Eira x

Andrea on 27-01-2012
Sirius Shines On
You really are on a roll! This is lovely...

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea - I'm wondering when my roll will end!

Eira

Thanks for the rating

ChairmanWow on 27-01-2012
Sirius Shines On
Evocative of the loss we all feel sooner or later. The beloved remains in dreams, tantalizing in their reality.

Author's Reply:
Thanks CmW - always good to hear from you.

Eira

stormwolf on 28-01-2012
Sirius Shines On
Simply beautiful. Made me want to cry and I can relate so well.
for your spark had gone,
a burnt out form remained. I blazed with grief.
New light appeared as tears gave some relief.
Outside an avian chorus welcomed dawn.

I loved the contrast here of light going and coming and emotion too.
The thought that as you look to Sirius you remember and always will...well...it just affected me very much. Your poetry is going from strength to strenth.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thank you so much Alison - you always understand my words so well. This is the poem that really started me writing poetry - but it has been through quite a few revisions over the years.
Thanks for the rating and favourite story pick - fantastic!
Eira x

Romany on 08-02-2012
Sirius Shines On
Having lost my beautiful old soul mate last summer I can absolutely identify. Beautiful and touching work - well done.

Romany.

Author's Reply:


Tidy Twigs (posted on: 23-01-12)
A Sonnet I wrote the original when my son went to Uni - this is a revision

New sunrays weave; I join the avian song yet apprehension dawns -- my chick has grown. You fluttered restless wings, then squawked 'so long' abandoning our nest -- my fledgling's flown. Bereft, I stare at every cranny filled with dying leaves, once placed with expertise. Time's fingers seem to linger. I rebuild my life, extend stiff wings, explore new trees. Recall my chirruped warnings that you glide above the stormy clouds. I'll prune this nest then tidy twigs, repress those fears I hide. So preen your feathers, zoom the sky with zest. I'll cluck around my brood in reverie, 'til you swoop home, to roost awhile with me.
Archived comments for Tidy Twigs
Andrea on 23-01-2012
Tidy Twigs
Oh, how true! When Jess went to Uni he still lived at home, but now, aged 22, he's off to Canada at least for a year, possible for ever. My only child! My nest will be well and truly empty! I'll have to do some pruning too - perhaps knock a wall or two down, make an extra room...

Author's Reply:
I empathise Andrea. It's taken me nearly 10 years to adjust, but Russ lives only 10 minutes away at the moment. He sometimes talks of working abroad for a year and I try not to hear!
Yes - do some pruning, knock down a wall. Takes your mind off the emptiness. I started writing poetry. LOL!
Eira x
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 24-01-2012
Tidy Twigs
Dear Eira, these were exactly my sentiments which I expressed way back in 2003 in my poem 'Fledgelings' (see https://www.ukauthors.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=2332).

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi

We all go through it don't we? I'm off to read your poem!

Eira x

sunken on 25-01-2012
Tidy Twigs
Hello Eira. It must be kinda heart wrenching when a chick flies the nests. This is why I keep turtles you see. No chance of them flying. Brilliantly penned as ever.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunks - do you really keep turtles? Ikeep lizards and snakes!

Eira

stormwolf on 26-01-2012
Tidy Twigs
aww that got me. I know the empty nest syndrome too. The last two lines were very moving ;-(
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison. It did start me writing poetry - so something good came out of it!

Eira x


Empyrean Beauty (posted on: 16-01-12)
Roof over our world

Bathed in aurora's blushes she slips into a robe -- crimson ribbons empurpling. She dresses in lento tempo to reflect oceanic hues. Crowned in gold, a veil unfolds, shimmering across her shoulders. Vernal rapture stirs her tears, showering winter drabness; refreshed, she drapes a scarf across her breast, its iridescence enhances a pristine image. Her tempestuous cloak shrouds us warning of forthcoming rage; illuminating spears are hurled until cumulonimbus' shouts resound, their fury drenching all. At night her face sparkles, opulent in dark damask raven locks adorned with alabaster. She cossets us in dreams, repairs edges frayed by daytime stress. Earth's ever-changing canopy thrills us with perpetual glory.
Archived comments for Empyrean Beauty
Andrea on 16-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
Just beautiful - what else is there to say?

Author's Reply:
I'm sorry to be so late answering, Andrea. Thank you for yor lovely comment - I'm so glad yo enjoyed this.
Eira
Thanks for the rating!

stormwolf on 16-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
Hi Eira
OK I had to look up Empyrean ๐Ÿ˜‰
The poem is really beautiful. Like a classical painting or several. You made me lost in the skies and her changing attire.
At night her face sparkles,
opulent in dark damask
raven locks adorned with alabaster.
She cossets us in dreams, repairs
edges frayed by daytime stress.

Fab writing with a truly classical feel to it. I am sure you would have been a poet in your last incarnation ๐Ÿ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Guess what? - I had to look up empyrean too! LOL!
I'm glad you enjoyed this.
A poet in my last incarnation - now that's a thought!
Eira x
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 16-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
Dear Eira, you are on a roll. Another lovely poem written with panache and style.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thank you Luigi - you have made my day!
Eira x

sunken on 18-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
Beautiful stuff Eira. I too am about to look up Empyrean. I'm guessing it means emperor like. I'm wrong aren't I? It's not the first time, Eira. I'm right about one thing though, it's a tip top poem. Well done on the nib dot com.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
I hope you've found out the meaning of empyrean, Sunkie. I had to look it up before using it.
It's good to see Bernard again - and you of course!

Eira

discopants on 19-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
You know, this reminds me of Shakespeare, particularly a passage in (I think) Antony and Cleopatra so that's a pretty good comparison in my book!



Author's Reply:
Thank you! - I've never been compared to Shakespeare before. How lovely!

Eira

ChairmanWow on 20-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
How did I miss this one? Glorious imagery.

Author's Reply:
So pleased you enjoyed this!
Eira

Zoya on 22-01-2012
Empyrean Beauty
Eira, A beauty in old classics style!
Lovely words and some imagery!
Transports you into the realm of novels, classics, and Renaissance paintings of Rafael or Ruben's or maybe even a Rembrandt with his shadow and light play...
Great sumptuous stuff!
Luxurious and languid
Love,
Zoya

Author's Reply:
Thanks Zoya - I am so pleased you enjoyed this!
Eira x


Faded Layers (posted on: 13-01-12)
We all have to age - a revision of an old poem

I peer at my reflection pensively, perceive my bloom is withering like debris; my mother gazes back with knowing smile as I've inherited her vintage style. My satin layer's crumpled into crepe that veils my inner weave. I can't escape from Time's persistent pace, for he's designed this sagging, puckered fashion, now maligned. His fingers frayed my looks; I can't reject these ravages he wrought, for they reflect the seasons' change. I brave his rapid streams, relentlessly eroding facial seams. So mirror image, though you fail to please, if you remove my blemished covers, ease the faded remnants back to look behind, where stronger fabric lines a mellow mind.
Archived comments for Faded Layers
Andrea on 13-01-2012
Faded Layers
Love that last stanza! So true (hopefully, anyway) - and odd how often the young seem to think you were born old, and they never will be...

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea.
Yes, we can't avoid the inevitable - but we were young once! Glad you like the last stanza, which is true!
Thanks for the rating.

Eira

stormwolf on 14-01-2012
Faded Layers
Well, this is strange, for tonight before I read this, I thought of writing such a poem. I am glad I did not for I could not have competed with this. ๐Ÿ˜‰
Poetry at its very finest.
The poem starts off with a very unsatisfying look in the mirror. The writer sees all the supposed faults that ageing bring

my mother gazes back with knowing smile

This really moved me for it speaks volumes. Not least that our mothers tend to have done the same but also the feeling of the mother 'present' although deceased.
The last stanza brings in the strength of the writer and the gratitude of the benefits and treasures of a woman who has the ability to see the gem in it all.
Bravo!
Alison x


Author's Reply:
Thanks for the rating Alison.
I'm sure you would have written an excellent poem - this one has been through many revisions (& at last I am satisfied with it!) This is a popular topic to be written about, I hope I've offered a different slant.

Eira x

deed on 14-01-2012
Faded Layers
Thanks for allowing us to read this. A great poem.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Dee - I'm glad you think so!

Eira

Ionicus on 15-01-2012
Faded Layers
A very telling poem, Eira, which shows the inexorability of aging.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi! Always good to hear from you.

Eira


Leila on 21-01-2012
Faded Layers
Lovely work, thoughtful,
My satin layerโ€™s crumpled into crepe
that veils my inner weave, beautifully put...Leila


Author's Reply:
Thank you Leila - I'm so glad you like this.
Eira

ChairmanWow on 23-01-2012
Faded Layers
I admit as a young punk I had no time for this subject. BUt now I see so much positive strength in what you evoke here. Worshiping flesh that rots is the dead end.

Author's Reply:
I think we all don't want to think about aging when we're young - I didn't! it's only as we get older that we give it some thought.
Eira


Christmas Cactus (posted on: 16-12-11)
Mam's been gone 6 years this Xmas and this poem I wrote comes to mind

She faded before Yuletide -- left me orphaned. I adopted her favourite cactus, brought to cheer her in the dreary ward, took it home to nourish. Trapped by mourning's rut, I neglected it. Grief eased; I found the plant desiccated, like my core. Wilted with guilt I teased encrusted roots from sapless earth, pampered it with fresh soil, water and kindness. To my astonishment, cerise buds now tip verdant leaves. It's late in spring, yet her Christmas cactus blooms.
Archived comments for Christmas Cactus
deed on 16-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
I really like this poem. The powerful image of the cactus, (perhaps she had even been a bit prickly at times), is the small living reminder that we want to nourish like a memory. The the feeling of guilt when it seems to die but returns to life. With faith we can believe that Mother will also, somehow, be living. Things are not always as they seem.

Author's Reply:
Thanks deed - I'm glad you liked this one. You got the meaning just right. Yes -- my mother was a bit prickly at times LOL!

Eira

dylan on 16-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
Very emotive-the catcus as metaphor works well.
One tiny suggestion-in the last lines of the third stanza, would
"pampered it with fresh soil,
water and kindness."
work better?
Just a thought.

Lovely poem.
Orrabest,

D.



Author's Reply:
Hi Dylan

Thanks for passing on your thoughts - I do like your suggestion 'kindness' sounds much better. I'll change it now!

Eira

Ionicus on 17-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
The regeneration of the cactus is a potent symbol that represents your wish to keep alive the memory of your late mother now that the grief for her loss has faded.
Very nicely done.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - always good to hear from you.

Eira

sunken on 18-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
And may she bloom year after year, Eira. I'm not very green fingered. I once bought a Venus fly trap. It chocked to death on a wasp. I wasn't impressed. I am impressed with your poem though. Top stuff and no mistake. Well done.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thanks sunky. I'm generally not green fingered either ... and hate to say that 6 months after I wrote this poem the cactus was beyond repair! Ssssh! Don't tell anyone!

Eira

woodbine on 18-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
A striking example of a simple idea having the strongest emotional impact.
Well done,
John

Author's Reply:
Thanks John - I appreciate your thoughts.

Eira

stormwolf on 18-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
A lovely poem that starts with a stark line that introduces the poem well. Then the last line ends on a note of new growth, new beginnings. It is metaphorical in nature and also highly personal giving the reader a glimpse of the inner mind of the poet. This is why I love poetry so much. We feel less alone when we know that we share all the sad times along with the happier times, with many others.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison

I always love to hear from you - you are right, we do feel less alone when we share our poetry with others. It's therapeutic!

Thanks for the rating!

Eira x

Kat on 19-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
I enjoyed this very much - a beautiful poem.

Kat x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Kat - great to hear from you.

Eira x

ChairmanWow on 19-12-2011
Christmas Cactus
The cactus as symbol of what you think can't be killed easily (like your core relationships) but is almost done in by neglect, then brought back to life through tender care. Great Christmas poem.

Author's Reply:
Thanks ChairmanWow - your thoughts are much appreciated.

Eira


Indian Summer (posted on: 28-11-11)
I've been thinking back to Sept/Oct when we had that autumn heatwave - lovely!!

Drifting into mist he swirls around, rushing back to kiss my frosty face. His fervid breath excites, seducing swallows to linger in desiccating reeds. His blaze soothes my sadness as daylight diminishes; shadows disappear. I dizzy under his sultry caress. Casting leaves, I clasp his hand and dance entwined in breathless wonderment amongst a kaleidoscope of waltzing copper and lime settling on a sun baked terrain. Suddenly, east wind blasts a frosty shroud -- and he vanishes into the murk.
Archived comments for Indian Summer
barenib on 29-11-2011
Indian Summer
A nice evocative piece that captures the fragility of an Indian summer well, and our reaction to it. John.

Author's Reply:
Hi John - sorry to be late answering.

We've been lucky with the weather this autumn and I did enjoy that Indian Summer so much! Dreary winter from now on!

Eira

Ionicus on 29-11-2011
Indian Summer
Hi Eira. How well you describe the transient nature of that short hot spell in which we basked. Nicely written.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi

I'd love to be having an Indian Summer right now - I'm feeling ccold! Thanks for commenting.

Eira x


Time's Ribbons (posted on: 21-11-11)
I originally wrote this when my late mother had Alzheimer's. This is my reccently revised version.

I pause in reverie, my thoughts awhirl with Mammy's songs that once enchanted me, while tying sky blue trimmings to my curls and soothing bloodied bruises on my knee. Now auld lang syne and present are combined in misted memories; confusion reigns. As time entwines its ribbons through her mind, I ache to watch her struggle on in vain. She's lost -- adrift like flotsam on the waves while slipping backward to familiar past, forgetting loved ones are at rest in graves. Alzheimer's sea is turbulent and vast. Now wearing tattered slippers, she's coerced to tread the shifting sand to springtime days. I've stepped into her shoes, our roles reversed, to guide her through confusion's endless maze. I find her stumbling on and feel despair. She's sliding down a slope; the syndrome hurls her into deep delusions. I'm aware one day she will forget -- I am her girl.
Archived comments for Time's Ribbons
e-griff on 21-11-2011
Times Ribbons
I think this is very good. You seem to be on a roll at present! ๐Ÿ™‚

I appreciated the scattered breaks which enlivened the read, and the odd alliteration.

very small things:

I'd repunctuate V2 like this:

Now auld lang syne and present are combined
in misted memories; confusion reigns.
As time entwines its ribbons through her mind,
I ache to watch her struggle on in vain.


I very much liked: Alzheimerโ€™s sea is turbulent and vast.

best JohnG


Author's Reply:
Thanks John - I'm glad you appreciated this.

I like your suggestion for punctuating V 2 and will make the changes.

I'm glad you think I'm on a roll - probably won't last! The last 3 poems I'm submitted are old ones which have been revise a few times.

Eira

stormwolf on 21-11-2011
Times Ribbons
Hi Eira
This is very hearbreaking emotive writing well worthy of the nib.
I would like to give you my view on this affliction from my world view. You can accept or discard it but perhaps it might give you some comfort ๐Ÿ˜‰
When a child comes into the world, it comes from the land of light. It takes time to acclimatise itself to this new world and so spends long periods asleep, where it returns to that place for encouragement and help.
Old people do the same in reverse. Altzeimers seems to be hell.
It is we who suffer most by the loss of the person we knew and loved. They seem to be gone and this shell that seems to function haphazardly is painful for us to see.
It is my belief that they are very safe and mostly in the light. their energy has been more or less transposed to another place and so they are not really here anymore.

There is great kindness going on behind the scenes and we just have to realise they are being taken somewhere where we can no longer communicate in the same way as before but they are in transition and very safe and well.
When they eventually 'die' they are then in the light full time.
I am very moved by your poem and hope you do not mind me writing this.
Alison xxx

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison

What you have written is very interesting and makes a lot of sense. It is certainly the family that seem to suffer and worry, whereas the person with Alzheimer's seem quite unconcerned and content in their 'world'.

I was perhaps lucky in that my mother died from pneumonia, before her Alzheimer's got really bad - she never really forgot who I was and for that I am thankful.

Thanks for taking the time
Eira xx

RDLarson on 22-11-2011
Times Ribbons
It is frightening real to read your wonderful poem. I wish I could help you. It is sad but you seem to touch the core and I hope that helps. Hugs

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your kind words - my mother died nearly 6 years ago, but it sometimes seems like yesterday. Thank you so much for the rating.
Eira x

sunken on 23-11-2011
Times Ribbons
Beautiful and moving, Eira. I can't imagine what it must be like. I'm not very spiritual (I blame an incident with a tube of smarties in my infant years) but I do like The Stormster's take on things. The last line, by the way, is achingly perfect. Well done on the nib and nom. Commiserations on the Bernard.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk yes Alison's theory makes a lot of sense.

Yes ... the last line. I had prepared myself for it, but she never did completely forget who I was (sometimes confused me with her sister) She died of pneumonia before her memory got that bad - for that I am grateful.

Eira

sunken on 23-11-2011
Times Ribbons
Sorry, I meant to rate.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunk!

Eira

Ionicus on 23-11-2011
Times Ribbons
Very moving and sad, Eira. Well done on the 'Great Read' accolade and nomination.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - yes it was very sad - unforgettably so!
Thanks for the rating.

Eira

Romany on 23-11-2011
Times Ribbons
How sad for anyone to have to watch a loved one go through this.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your kind words, Romany - it is difficult to forget the change in her.

Eira

Kat on 30-11-2011
Times Ribbons
A very well-written poem which I think the rhyme really enhances. Skilfully done.

Kat

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your comments, Kat and for adding this to your list of favourites.
Eira

ChairmanWow on 26-12-2011
Times Ribbons
What this poem does in verse is evoke the heart-breaking nature of this affliction better than any prose description I have come across. I have never gone through this (yet) and hope I never do but have to feel you have prepared me just a little bit if I do.

Author's Reply:
Thank you CW - this poem has been through many revsions to improve it and your comments are very encouraging.
Alzheimer's is a syndrome that you have to experience to fully appreciate. I hope you never have to experience a loved one going through this, but I'm glad this poem hs prepared you a little bit.

Eira


Eternal peacock (posted on: 18-11-11)
This is a recent revision of a poem I wrote a few years after my mother died.

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps against my kitchen tiles, plumes lacklustre and scratched -- feet swollen from paddling overlong in sudsy water. I draw back time's curtain to peer into her cluttered kitchen as she chops a kaleidoscope of vegetables on the bird's cream underbelly; York ham and salad for Sunday tea and sliced white bread, spread with salty Welsh butter. Since pneumonia stole her away, her board rests on my aging counter top waiting for the timer to ping, when renovations will begin. A new pine pig reclines in the second drawer down, soon to unite with me in culinary delights. As feathers fade their splendour remains.
Archived comments for Eternal peacock
e-griff on 18-11-2011
Eternal peacock
nice poem, evocative, revolves round apparent subject as it should, while revealing the true story. ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks e-griff - it seems my revision has paid off!
Eira

sunken on 18-11-2011
Eternal peacock
Good to see you posting again, Capricorn. Really like this. The phrase 'a kaleidoscope of vegetables' is, on it's own, nib worthy. For now though, I'm afraid, you'll just have to make do with a beagle. Nice work to be sure.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunk - it's good to be posting again. Thanks for the beagle - and I aways thought it was a higher award than the nib *wink*

Eira

stormwolf on 18-11-2011
Eternal peacock
A very heart-warming, bittersweet poem. I can see it all in my inner vision. I know I will face seeing my mother's things when she is no longer here and the myriad emotion that will evoke.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - I think some of my best poems are the ones written about my parents. Probably because of the emotions invoved. I have boxes of my mothers stuff up the attic and find it difficult to get rid of anything.
Eira x
Thanks for the rating

Ionicus on 18-11-2011
Eternal peacock
A good nostalgic poem, Eira. I particularly like the following lines:
"I draw back time's curtain
to peer into her cluttered kitchen
as she chops a kaleidoscope of vegetables
on the birdโ€™s cream underbelly;"

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - always good to hear from you.

Eira x


Male Voice Choir (posted on: 11-11-11)
Written in huitain form

I lost the music deep inside me, dormant since my father died until I heard the miners sing our homeland anthem's rousing tide of harmonies. I burned with pride. Through passing years its timbre wrings emotions still - this ancestry my forefathers bequeathed to me.
Archived comments for Male Voice Choir
e-griff on 11-11-2011
Male Voice Choir
lovely stuff. dunno what a huitain is, but that don't matter - it's nice AND meaningful.

Myself, I might be tempted to change the last line to 'my forefathers bequeathed to me' to get the stress on 'FOREfathers' correct and thereby avoid the comic hearing of 'fourFATHERS' which is currently encouraged by it being the only line with a headless iamb.

Author's Reply:
Hi e-griff
Sorry I'm late answering - I always appreciate suggestions.

Ionicus has written below the definition of huitain. From what I remember it can have various rhyme schemes but this one is aab aab cc.

I've thought about your suggestion and will change that last line as it gets rid of the filler 'have' aswell. Thanks!

Ionicus on 12-11-2011
Male Voice Choir
An exquisite poem, Eira. Good as it is but I quite like e-griff's suggestion. Your choice, naturally.
For the uninitiated, like me, here is a definition of an huitain:
A stanza or strophe of eight or ten syllables, normally written on three rhymes. One rhyme occurs four times, and the rhyme for the fourth and fifth line is the same. This form was popular in France in the 15th and 16th c. (J.A.Cuddon's A Dictionary of Literary Terms).


Author's Reply:
Thanks Ionicus - I like e-griffs sugestion too and will change that line now.
Thanks for the rating!

Romany on 13-11-2011
Male Voice Choir
Gorgeous! And since I am about to move back home to the valleys after 22 years away, highly pertinent for me too. Enjoyed (and you are right, there is someting special and evocative about that sound.)

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Hi Romany

I'm glad you liked this. There is something special about the sound. I hope you'll be very happy back in the valleys.
Eira

stormwolf on 17-11-2011
Male Voice Choir
Brilliant, Eira.
It is short, concise but filled with emotion. So great to read you again. Whether short or longer, you never disappoint. Alison x


Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - its great to be posting again!
Eira x

Thanks for the rating

admin on 17-11-2011
Male Voice Choir
Beautiful, Capricorn, full of passion and emotion - lovely!

Author's Reply:
Thanks! I'm glad this worked for you.

Eira


Personal Memories (posted on: 19-09-11)
Hearing the stories of 9/11

Personal Memories My husband rang me a minute after the plane penetrated two floors below his office. When certain there was no escape route, we spent precious minutes talking, until a heart ripping silence coincided with the TV picture of the twin tumbling. My daughter was flying home from Boston. Anticipation flipped to disbelief. I just knew it was her plane before me on the telly. I was frantic and made a call to my sister, only to hear her company had moved a month ago. Relief emptied tears down the cheeks of this unemotional man. until my dog – dear Jo, jumped onto my lap licking my face to ease the pain. Two years previous I dined in the restaurant at the top looking at the panoramic view. My imagination cannot engulf the desperation that drove anyone to jump from that giant. Yet they did – one tried to sail clutching onto planks of wood. One landed on a fireman another a priest and like swatting flies they killed them too. The chilling thuds haunt me still. I bolted out – breathless, then hid under a car until the towers collapsed. My eyes were veiled and seemed blind, my ears were stuffed appearing deaf. Not even sure if I was alive I struggled to stand and covered in black ash ran towards the phone box grabbed the phone startling a woman in the middle of her conversation. I phoned my wife -- Honey, I am alive. Many workmen rushed in to gather round the screen just as the Trade Pillars collapsed. I still hear their screams in recurring nightmares I was in Mom's belly when Dad died. She told me he was very courageous and loved me though we never met. I love him too.
Archived comments for Personal Memories
stormwolf on 19-09-2011
Personal Memories
Just so, so very sad. You have caught the humanity of the disaster very well. Lovely to see you posting again
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Aison - I'm so sorry for the late reply. My computer broke down ... and to cut a very long story short I now have a new computer. I've been away from poetry for a while, but I'm back now and will be posting again. See you soon. Eira x


Spring Bride (posted on: 25-03-11)
Spring personified!

Radiant, as sun-kissed sky she arrives astride a cirrus horse to a fanfare of daffodils. A gown sown with snowdrops covers her terrains; primrose laced tendrils shimmer with aurora's dew. Avian choirs warble in the dell, their harmonies reverberate with tinkling bluebells. Scarlet robed, robin trills solo on a hedgerow stage, twiddle-oo, twiddle-eedee. Breezes murmur, teasing cherry blossoms; they tremble -- tumble to confetti sweet grass avenues, where peacock butterflies flitter among posies of forget-me-knots, their large eyes flutter on russet wings. All creatures rise to greet her: Hedgehogs abandon wrinkled beds, as squirrels scurry along oak arms, lambs dance on daisy studded meadows; joyful celebrations. Sun ascends to crown her; then she whispers Au Revoir -- throws a rose bouquet towards summer's outstretched hands.
Archived comments for Spring Bride

No comments archives found!
Love's Faded Lane (posted on: 07-03-11)
This is the first - one and only rondeau I have tried.

Along our path through Rowan trees, red roses twine with memories -- when spring gave birth to love it turned to summer blooms and passions burned. You romanced me with gentle ease, avowing love on bended knees. Yet autumn stirred a blusterous breeze, which slowed our pace as foliage churned along our path. Then winter brought a bitter freeze, abandoning the will to please and inexplicably you spurned that fire you lit in me; I've yearned to feel love's embers in reprise, along our path. ------------------------------------------ line 1 - a ฎ(normally the first phrase is the refrain) line 2 - a line 3 - b line 4 - b line 5 - a line 6 - a line 7 - a line 8 - b line 9 - R line 10 - a line 11 - a line 12 - b line 13 - b line 14 - a line 15 - R
Archived comments for Love's Faded Lane
Ionicus on 07-03-2011
Loves Faded Lane
A nice poem of love and rejection. A good, flowing, effort Eira.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Sorry I've been a long time answering this, Luigi. It's always goo to hear from you.
Eira


Face Book Flashback (posted on: 28-02-11)
For all Face Book Fans - and those who were young in the 60's

I login ... searching for familiar faces, without success until … no photos shown but it must be him. Grad School: University of Sheffield Metallurgy Status: Married Memories tingle. That college disco -- the band sang Let's Dance I felt a feather-touch on my shoulder. Dance with me? He was a young Paul McCartney but sandy haired, his dark suit was enhanced with a narrow neon tie. We twisted … jived, our eyes writing love notes to each other, until the music slowed Can't Take my Eyes off You we embraced in rhythm Sealed with a Kiss. Romance only whispered, because he wasn't free but letters still sit in the rose-printed chocolate box tucked at the back of my overflowing wardrobe. I flush, remembering him feed me Caramel Delights, lips mouthing frisky fingertips. I won't friend him -- he might not want reminding and delete me.
Archived comments for Face Book Flashback
Jolen on 28-02-2011
Face Book Flashback
I loved this! Even more so that I just had a situation where I found an old friend/lover on facebook that I've been looking for over the past years. He had been looking for me too so it was great to reconnect.

These two verses really did it for me:


Romance only whispered,
because he wasnโ€™t free
but letters still sit
in the rose-printed chocolate box
tucked at the back
of my overflowing wardrobe.

I flush, remembering
him feed me
Caramel Delights,
lips mouthing
frisky fingertips.


Just enough to be sexy....and instill warmth to the reader. Or this one, anyway.

Much enjoyed,
jolen

Author's Reply:
Thanks Jolen! I am really interested to hear that you actually reconnected - how fantastic!

I am glad you enjoyed this one.

Eira

Ionicus on 28-02-2011
Face Book Flashback
An excellent piece, Eira. I do often wonder if the pages of Facebook hide any of my acquaintances/friends/lovers from my past life who may return to haunt me.
I particularly like the lines:
"lips mouthing
frisky fingertips."
Well done,

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - I haven't found many friends from my past. Females, of course have different surnames now, which makes it difficult.
Glad you liked
Eira

Andrea on 28-02-2011
Face Book Flashback
Hate Facebook - love this!

Author's Reply:
Thanks Andrea. I found Face Book fascinating when I first joined - now I find it a bit boring.

Eira

sybarite on 28-02-2011
Face Book Flashback
Oh well done! Vivid imagery and I enjoyed the musical references throughout.

I felt a feather-touch
on my shoulder. --these lines really stood out for me.

Author's Reply:
Thanks sybarite - I'm glad you enjoyed this.

Eira

stormwolf on 01-03-2011
Face Book Flashback
ha ha Well said and written Eira.
I understand the hesitation. Old flames are sometimes better left like sleeping dogs.
Funny how everything was SO very full on back then when we were young and everything had such an air of hidden naughtiness and passion. Oh for the old days lol before we became world weary and jaded. I still felt the young girl in your wrting ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison

I'm glad you still felt the young girl in me - I sometimes feel she's well hidden away most of the time. It was nice reliving the good old days!

Thanks
Eira

stormwolf on 01-03-2011
Face Book Flashback
oops forgot to rate it and so well done on the nib!

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison

teifii on 02-03-2011
Face Book Flashback
As Anthea -- hate facebook but really impressed by this. So I suppose FB does have its good points.

Author's Reply:
Yes, I suppose I should thank Face Book for this inspiration - mostly I find it a bit boring!

Bradene on 03-03-2011
Face Book Flashback
I love this poem, it sums up a lot of feelings that most of us of a certain age can relate to, I think she/you? is wise not to friend him. It keeps the dreams and fantasies alive. Well done. Valx

Author's Reply:
You've summed it up well, Val. It's so much better to keep those dreams alive. It would be a disappointement to find that he hadn't worn well with the passing of time. *wink*

Great to hear from you
Eira

TPILB on 09-03-2011
Face Book Flashback
Liked the reflection on the past, funny as I was just discussing how I ever managed to write letters (As we did) since the introduction of e-mail.

The only critisisim I have: 'Jived and twisted', did we do that to the Smiths, bad manners, the Cult, The specials, and the Jam (Susan Codogan (Hurt so good) although 70โ€™s but 80โ€™s love for me; sorry but here is the link):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXSR8aZ6l-Q

Unless is was โ€˜Bucks Fizzโ€™ was playing, and that is a bad memory (Well making my (your) mind up) as this is the 80's I assume?

I liked the jump to โ€˜nowโ€™, โ€œI wonโ€™t friend himโ€, the preservation of that past sentiment still intact, or the development of our own โ€˜selfโ€™ criticism, a very open and thought provoking ending, or at least as I see it.

Additional small talk: I closed my FB, and moved to LinkedIn, professional reasoning mainly, but on a vain, not Timandra comae; one reason was a archaic photo I โ€˜refusedโ€™ to relinquish until old friends commented and explained (Wankers); thus vanity and realization took over, the push was the loss of many friends in the Haiti disaster (Personal) in a nutshell, I felt it would be a good โ€˜time capsuleโ€™ to stow; and the obvious irrelevance aspect i.e. the mundane need to โ€˜connectโ€™ likewise โ€˜twit-t-erโ€™.

Brings me to a song, โ€˜video killed the radio starโ€™ apt to sequence of change.

Well thank you for making me revamp (many hours) my music collection, it was much needed. He fed you Carmel Delights, I used Fiz Whiz and sherbet fountains, lesson learned... although the flake, and Turkish delight adverts were provocative...

TPILB...


Author's Reply:


Familiar Warmth (posted on: 14-01-11)
A revision - thanks Mitch!

revision Mam's Sitting Here With Us Seated opposite hubby, my stare dares him not to sneer as he peers up from the Daily News, closed mouth smile indulging me. I flip through my memory pages until I'm lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels. We gaze through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure. After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, gulping cups of gossip to quench curiosity. Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me. Is it the sun's embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea? Years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle. ------------------------------------------------ original Bulging shopping bags weigh against the wall where a window table pampers us with welcome refreshments. I flip through my memory pages until I'm lunching here with her, munching ham & salad bagels. We gaze through the glass into the crowded car park, where bargain hunters cram their trunks with treasure. After our rummage through the shopping mall, we relished time for energy renewal, gulping cups of gossip to quench curiosity. Her laughter, a gurgling geyser, often erupted to drench me. Mam's sitting here with us. Today, seated opposite hubby, my stare dares him not to sneer as he peers up from the Daily News, closed mouth smile indulging me. Is it the sun's embrace through the window - or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea -or just this old haunt? Years after her departure that familiar warmth we shared radiates from my core until even my fingertips tingle.
Archived comments for Familiar Warmth
pdemitchell on 14-01-2011
Familiar Warmth
Hi Eira - definitely a lovely girlie-shopping moment here with the token male being dragged from shop to shop like a tranked sheep. It's a little disjointed in the narrative thread and some lines are a tad foced. For example...

Bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall where over-reaching the alliteration
a window table pampers us and again...
with welcome refreshments. so that this doesn't work.

This is so cosy and lacking tension, I lost interest instantly. MAy I suggest dispensing with it altogether? The second flashback stanza is where the action is and the rest flows so much better without it. Lose 'or just this old haunt' as well.

If you remiove the first two lines of the second stanza and move 'mam's sitting here with us' to the beginning (it would also make a great title) you'll see how the power ratchets up a notch.

Hope this helps - Cheerz. mitch ๐Ÿ™‚





Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - thanks, your comments have helped. I wrote this last year and its been sitting around waiting for a bit of a make over.
Why did I use all those 'w' words in St1 LOL! A bit overdone - although at the time I felt that stanza was a good into to the piece - now it doesn't seem so important. That's why I often write a poem & put it ot one side for a while before coming back.
I've used a lot of your suggestions - rearraged it slightly differently. I think it reads better.
Thanks again
Eira
Happy New Year!

Hulda on 15-01-2011
Familiar Warmth
I simply enjoyed it, specially the 5 last lines, for me it was working and ended quite strongly. Thank you, hulda

Author's Reply:
Hi Hulda

I'm so glad you enjoyed this although I have rearraged the stanzas in a revision.
Thank you so much for your rating.
Eira

Jolen on 18-01-2011
Familiar Warmth
I really liked this poem. I think such phrases as "gulping cups of gossip" are perfect and the entire piece is visual and stirring.

Much enjoyed by me.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Thanks Jolen - so glad you enjoyed!
Eira

orangedream on 22-01-2011
Familiar Warmth
And I enjoyed it too;-) You have worked hard on this, and it shows.

Best wishes,

Tina

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the rating Tina I am so plesed you enjoyed this one.
Eira


Fledgling Flight (posted on: 03-01-11)
A rewrite of an old poem 'Fledgling Feathers'

He teeters on our nest edge, wings beating, until lifted by the wind, he sails across the valley, almost tumbling, landing on a hillock. In practice flights he sways and turns, attaining greater heights. Yet beneath my eaglet's plumes, a nestling lingers, in awe of the rocky ground below. In turbulent bouts we clash, our flights arrested in the squall. I brood at a distance -- feathers ruffled, struggling against the gale. His ease in flying solo bruises my bones. Soon, he'll surge further ... alone, searching for a lofty tree to arrange his eyrie twigs. His large pinions span -- my lithe eagle glides circling through cirrocumulus. Breast puffed, I gaze at his display of mastery, until he soars toward the skyline.
Archived comments for Fledgling Flight
e-griff on 03-01-2011
Fledgling Flight
lovely scenario of growing up and letting go ...

as you've punctuated so punctiliously, I think you need to put commas around 'lifted by the wind' as well .

only othe small thing, I'd remove 'remote' and just put 'the' - that line seems a bit word-heavy.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the suggestions, John - they are spot on & I'll make the changes tonight.
Eira

stormwolf on 03-01-2011
Fledgling Flight
Eira You are a natural and born poet.
Just so completely captivating yet again. I do so often feel a connection to what you write about.

Soon, heโ€™ll surge further
... alone,
searching for a lofty tree
to arrange his eyrie twigs.

This moved me (along with the entire poem) Another nib worthy poem for us all to enjoy

Alison x

Author's Reply:
Aw thanks Alison!
I feel we are kindred spirits and I feel the same about lots of your poems.
Thanks for adding this as favorite.
I wrote this about my son - its taken years to get it as I want it though! - many revisions.

sybarite on 05-01-2011
Fledgling Flight
Lovely capture of the emotional tugs of letting go of our nestlings. The fourth stanza would be my favorite part of your poem.

Author's Reply:
Thanks syarbrite, wriiten from the heart!
Eira


Christmas Remembrance (posted on: 20-12-10)
Xmas has not been the same for the last 5 years.

Christmas Past I squeeze through the crush in Woolworths, mesmerized at colour saturated displays: sparkling garlands, scarlet trimmed teddies glittering packaged gifts. What shall I buy her? Fingering the shilling in my pocket I spy a tiny bottle of Rose Petal Scent with pink ribboned neck, exchange it for my silver coin. Padded in newspaper layers this gift looks enormous, finished with a festive layer printed with holly and poinsettias tied with crimson string. She'll never guess what's inside. I woke before the sun crept through the window, anticipation fluttering in my tummy. My hand snaked down the bed until I felt the familiar shape. He's been. I dragged the nylon stocking up to my chest, unloaded precious parcels one by one, curiosity peeping, feeling with eager fingers. A white cotton-whiskered sugar mouse lay on top of mint humbugs in a white paper bag. To adorn my hair, a gaudy silver-tone flower slide. For my dressing table collection, a tiny china dog, wrapped in tissue paper. Tucked in the foot, an aromatic tangerine rubs the shells of mixed nuts. I bit off the mouse's nose, pinned the shiny flower to my hair and dozed until breakfast -- then opened gifts around the tree. Christmas Present. Jostling crowds press through shops, stress etched on faces. Shelves are packed with vivid Santa sacks soon filled with mobile phones, computer games and chocolate selection boxes. Fruit and nuts bring sniggers. Warmed by a familiar whiff from the perfume counter Rose eau de cologne I remember her unwrap that present, laughing at the umpteen layers. She hugged me; I inhaled sweet fragrance dabbed behind her ears. Our Christmas table is laden with turkey dinner, spread across her holly and poinsettia cloth; her place - now vacant. A mirthful masquerade obscures my ache, that sharpens as I glance at the chipped china spaniel on the shelf.
Archived comments for Christmas Remembrance
stormwolf on 20-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
This made tears come to mmy eyes. You have really written a beautiful piece here Eira. It can be read ojn several levels, not least the changing values of today's materialistic society but also the aching loss of a loved one but the bitter sweet memories captured by the chipped spaniel.
Well done
Merry christmas
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison! This is one of the few poems I've written without thinking about the words - it just flowed out of me. Memories!
Happy Xmas
Eira

Ionicus on 20-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
A very poignant and beautifully written remembrance, Eira. The only suggestion I would make is to put a dividing mark (asterisks perhaps) after "Sheโ€™ll never guess whatโ€™s inside" to emphasise that it is a second voice.

Luigi

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - and I'll consider your suggestion.
Happy Xmas
Eira

Gee on 20-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
I agree with Alison. I had tears in my eyes as I read this. There is someone missing for me at special times, as for many others, and there are many wonderful memories. This captures that feeling completely. Beautifully done.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Gee! I think most people have someone missing at Xmas - the sadness never leave, but the memories become more special.

Happy Xmas

Eira
Thanks for the rating

Humblewriter on 20-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
a very moving piece. both christmassy and sad, and times gone by and family

(one slip needs fixing: I remember her unwrap that present, )


Author's Reply:
Thanks H - I'm not sure what the slip is (feeling dim tonight!) Please let me know.
Eira

e-griff on 20-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
sorry - that above was me as you probably know (I forgot to change character).

JohnG

Author's Reply:
LOL! I really didn't know it was you John!

Leila on 20-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
Well penned Capricorn...Leila

Author's Reply:
Thank you Leila!

e-griff on 22-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
my forum icons might help ... ๐Ÿ™‚

Photobucket

Photobucket


Author's Reply:
Ah! Now I see the difference!

sunken on 23-12-2010
Christmas Remembrance
Hello Capricorn of Eira fame. I have only one problem with this - It hasn't been nibbed! It's a disgrace. I'll get my placards out! An excellent write, in my sunky opinion. Well done.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunk - you are always so encouraging!


Tell-Tale Fingerprints (posted on: 19-11-10)
This is not what it first seems - wait for the twist at the end.

Hush-a-bye … don't cry darling. I bustle, scrubbing caked baked bean sauce from last night's plates packed into the sink. Baby's still wailing. The ironing tower tumbles onto paw-printed floor mop's mislaid -- I must spick and span my domain. Baby's howling now. Perhaps it's a virus … I must contact help line, but first I'll clean the windows, in case yesterday's fingerprints are spotted … clear spiders from their webs. Stop shrieking baby! I've no time for your games. Damn your big baby eyes! I can't resist sneaking a peak at your face any longer. I'll check security … messages … Face Book. Aaaw! … Mama loves to play games with her baby.
Archived comments for Tell-Tale Fingerprints
Gee on 19-11-2010
Tell-Tale Fingerprints
I wasn't sure about this at first but then, as I read through, I realised it was about playing games with a virtual baby on a site.
I liked the idea of it and the the subtle little lines like "perhaps it's a virus" made a lot more sense to me. I liked the ending of this very much. Don't we all try to rush through the things we don't want to do (especially housework) to do those things we enjoy?


Author's Reply:
Hi Gee - glad you enjoyed this -- I have had people think it was about child abuse! It is however about my computer. I'm sure most people can 'hear' it calling when they should be working.LOL!
Eira

e-griff on 21-11-2010
Tell-Tale Fingerprints
well, I assumed the baby was her laptop ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
You got it!!
Eira


The Sign (posted on: 05-11-10)
For Jill - in memory of her mother

Are you there? I plunge deeper into my sun starved chasm. Please send me a sign that you are near: a tinge of your favourite perfume, or whispered kiss on my cheek. I drift into a familiar room, furnished with fun times -- school photos grace cream walls. Relaxed in the comfy arm chair, immersed in poetry pages … you smile. Recollections tremble, I drag a battered box off my cupboard shelf, sift through the snapshot collection of your grandsons' school years, once proudly displayed. Wrapped in nostalgia's shawl, I flip through chapters -- my sons in babygros to crisp uniforms; faces beam, unpacking Christmas presents. I jolt -- fingers fumble as cornflowers and daisies careen in a gentle breeze on the cover of your cherished book … of poems.
Archived comments for The Sign

No comments archives found!
Halloween Breakdown (posted on: 29-10-10)
Turn out the lights - light a candle - and read on ...

I have revised this poem adding more detail to the last stanza - and bringing it into present tense. My engine stalls as twilit skies devour the night to tantalize my thoughts. I rush for help. The narrow roadway seems deserted, distant creatures scream 'til there was hush. Full moon diffuses eerie light where shadows dance and bats take flight. I feel a thrill to spy a cottage through the trees, its windows rattle while the breeze is turning chill. She beckons me with horny finger saying, enter … do not linger there in damp night air. I scan the room and shiver … what a sight! Her cackle quivers as the lamp light flickers, silhouetting vessels on the shelves. I try to wrestle with the crone, who stirs her pot of spooky things, that fire my wild imaginings with flesh and bone. Outside the wind begins to squall as time ticks loudly on the wall. I struggle free and make a dash toward the door, her footsteps echo on the floor not far from me. I reach the window near the lane as light glints through the window pane -- a rooster calls. I trip -- into the fire, flames surge; amidst the smoke, I watch her merge into the wall. ------------------------------------------ original poem My engine stalled as twilit skies devoured the night and tantalized my thoughts. I rushed for help. The narrow roadway seemed deserted, distant creatures screamed 'til night grew hushed. Full moon diffused an eerie light where shadows danced and bats took flight. I felt a thrill to spy a cottage through the trees, it's windows rattling as the breeze was turning chill. She beckoned me with horny finger saying, Enter … do not linger there in damp night air. I scanned the room and shivered … what a sight! Her cackle quivered when the lamp light flickered, silhouetting vessels on the shelves. I tried to wrestle with the crone, who stirred her pot of spooky things, that fired my wild imaginings with flesh and bone. Outside the wind began to squall; the clock ticked loudly on the wall … I prayed for dawn. The fire exploded, churning smoke awhirl, I heard her splutter … choke … poof!         Has she gone?
Archived comments for Halloween Breakdown
e-griff on 29-10-2010
Halloween Breakdown
A very nice poem, interesting because of its weaving in and out of a strictly regular rhythm but never overstepping the mark and causing a glitch. Elegantly done. Enjambment aplenty, keeping us amused and alert ... A very good example of someone who knows the 'rules' being able to play with them successfully. Why is it not nibbed? Damn bloody nibbers!

One typo (it's) and I wasn't quite sure of the last line, but can't explain why ... sorry.

best, JohnG



Author's Reply:
Thanks John!



The it's wasn't a typo - I'm always mixing up my it's and its.



The last line is perhaps a bit obscure. Basically it means she disappears in a puff of smoke. However I have - due to a suggestion - lengthened the last stanza which I think (hope) makes it a bit clearer.



Eira

Also changed it to present tense.

e-griff on 29-10-2010
Halloween Breakdown
okay, if the daft bastards can't see it - here it is! I hope you will accept this rare 'Griffpick'

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Author's Reply:
John - I am honoured to receive this!

Blushing!
Eira

Ionicus on 29-10-2010
Halloween Breakdown
Eira, you have captured the atmosphere of an Halloween night to perfection. Imagination can lead to fear not only in children who are easily susceptible but also in adults, especially when their car breaks down in the middle of the night. I thoroughly enjoyed the spookiness.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - glad you enjoyed this one. (glad it isn't true)
Eira

pdemitchell on 29-10-2010
Halloween Breakdown
Should have waited for the AA, Eira. Very enjoyable but the end fizzled rather than poufed - as I expected more of a witchly confrontation. Excellent form though and I normally shy away from certain enjambments. Should be nibbled, nurse! A ten if you have a rethink about the ending. Cheers! mitch ๐Ÿ˜›

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - yes the AA would have been a better bet, eh? LOL!

Yes, I must admit it does fizzle out at the end - glad you mentioned that as its spurred me on to do something about it! I've lengthened the last stanza so its the same length as the first two and added more detail. I've also changed the whole poem to present tense which I feel makes it more direct. Hope you agree!

Thanks for the rating
Eira

e-griff on 01-11-2010
Halloween Breakdown
I'm tempted to withdraw the Griffpick for that 'agilely'! ๐Ÿ™‚ Blimey, what are you at?

the end still dissappoints ('poof!) something a little more intriguing, sophisticated mebbe ....

best as ever... JohnG

Author's Reply:
Phew! John, you've had me working hard tonight - and on a Monday too!

'agilely' - yes I knew it didn't sound right, but left it 'til I thought of something better. Have changed it!

I've also got rid of the 'poof!' and written the ending differently. I might not stick with it (I tend to revise lots! before I'm happy) but it is a bit better (I hope!) See what you think.

Eira


Grandma's Ghost (posted on: 22-10-10)
Look in the mirror!

Atop our tree, her blooms had long unfurled; two branches lower I'd begun to sprout. Her ashen fronds were daily spruced, entwined and pinned into a chignon, curled about her nape. The floral pinafore she wore, enveloping a slender trunk, retained the spick and span of unpretentious garb, for social calls and church. Her visage, grained by seasons, always crinkled when she laughed. Though winter's trumpet heralded, a hint of spring still twinkled through those chestnut eyes; I blossomed, cherished in their kindred glint Today, I rise to crown our tribal tree, two scions of my own and I'm full bloomed. My greying locks are tinted, trimmed into a bob, to frame my washed-out face; well groomed I glow with skin enhancements. Wearing jeans and funky t-shirt, all the latest looks, my pinny's only worn to swallow up the splashes if I'm careless when I cook. As autumn saunters into winter, I observe my petals pucker up and fade. Each night I brush my trendy tendrils back - meticulously shed all facial aids, then gape at my reflection -- dazed I see her laughing eyes are gazing back at me.
Archived comments for Grandma's Ghost
stormwolf on 23-10-2010
Grandmas Ghost
aww just lovely You have woven nature and the four seasons into a lovely picture of the passing seasons of the woman's life cycle not to mention familial similarities. . It was very cleverly done with such original imagery.It was heartwarming to read.
Alison x

your poetry never disappoints.


Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison! I'm glad my poetry never disappoints - but that is scary too ( one day it might) LOL!

Eira x

Ionicus on 24-10-2010
Grandmas Ghost
What a beautiful poem, Eira. Skilfully crafted and so full of good lines that it is difficult to choose the favourite ones but the following are some that caught my eye:
"Though winterโ€™s trumpet heralded, a hint
of spring still twinkled through those chestnut eyes;"
and
"Today, I rise to crown our tribal tree,
two scions of my own and Iโ€™m full bloomed."
Quite honestly, I don't comprehend why it has not been awarded a nib.

Luigi x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi - this was an idea that took over a year to materialize and I did at first have trouble with the rhymes. i'm glad I persevered with it!

I see a nib has appeared!
Eira x

Bradene on 24-10-2010
Grandmas Ghost
Gorgeous poem Eira, One I can identify with I grow more like my Gran every day of my life, she was as sturdy as an oak in her outlook on life and everytime she smiled it was like a rose blooming (she smelled of spring violets as I recall ) Lovely work. Valx

Author's Reply:
Thanks Val - your reply is a poem in itself. Lovely!
Eira x

sunken on 28-10-2010
Grandmas Ghost
Hello Ms. Yutka. I too have been told that I'm similar to my late gran. I never knew her. Apparently she was really thick... What the...!? How rude! A very beautiful poem and no mistake. Well done on the nib.

s
u
n
k
e
n

in retrograde city we'll get busy with the fizzy

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk - now I'm sure no one meant that you were thick - your gran probably had other attributes!

Thanks for visiting!

Eira


Ocean Tapestry (posted on: 18-10-10)
I do love cloud watching!

Swallowing jelly babies for a treat, a Baleen wallows in the waves, where butterflies glide close below whispering together; their long noses nudge through kaleidoscopic coral reefs to adjacent caves. The carnival's awash with revelry. On a rocky stage, toads sing loud and long accompanied by pearl's bongo beat. King Neptune's golden tones resound with seahorses' clicking castanets, while octopi hand-jive, rippling in a rhythmic tide and mermaids belly-dance; undulating spangled tails, hair flowing. Surf-wisps surge as cloudy creatures merge with cumulus, swiftly drifting off. His Majesty remains, flooding azure realms with amber shafts. I jolt back to reality, clouds dispersed; my reverie ends -- tea-break is over. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For your information ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jelly babies – young jelly fish Balleen Whale Butterflies – butterfly fish swim close together to whisper Toads – toad fish make loud long noises Pearl – pearl fish use their gall bladders to make a bongo drum sound Sea horses – make clicking sounds with their skulls
Archived comments for Ocean Tapestry
Ionicus on 18-10-2010
Ocean Tapestry
Very imaginative, Eira. I had started googling the definition of Baleen when I noticed your notes at the bottom of the poem and everything was made clear. Thanks for the information.

Author's Reply:
Thank you for your comments and the rating - much appreciated!
Eira

Beth on 19-10-2010
Ocean Tapestry
Hi Eira, I loved the imagery in this. A great fantasy poem that lets you escape from the real world for a few precious minutes. I like cloud watching too- regards Beth

Author's Reply:
Hi Beth - Cloud watching is very therapeutic - have written a few cloud watching poems.
Eira x

stormwolf on 19-10-2010
Ocean Tapestry
wow! what an imagination you have there girl! It reminded me of the cartoon The Little Mermaid ....only up in the sky instead of down in the sea .....lovely
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - I didn't think of the little memaid when I wrote this -- but yes it does!
Eira x

pdemitchell on 20-10-2010
Ocean Tapestry
Ver' imaginitive and ver' cute there, Eira - a clever sushi smorgasbord that got me digging out an old Disney Little Mermaid DVD.. under the sea... Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - thanks for the rating and lovely comments!
Eira

sunken on 20-10-2010
Ocean Tapestry
Where the fcuk is the nib? It's a disgrace! I'll get my placards out. Nice work, Eira.





Author's Reply:
Can't win them all, Sunk! Glad you enjoyed this one.
Eira


Escape From Routine (posted on: 11-10-10)
I'm looking forward to Summer! ----------------------------------------

Scents of seaweed candles mingle with grilling fish fingers; I drift away … Heat haze shimmers as the hushed breeze brushes my face. Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice spice the salty air. I glance at seaside pictures pinned to my memo board. Pasty bodies recline on boldly striped beach chairs or sand spattered towels, basted and ready to roast, Distant boat sails tilt; people crowd the blue, bobbing, its undulating hum broken by seagull's chuckling. Drumming a constant rhythm, the washer tumbles dolphin printed towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear. On top a plastic pail holds gulfweed for grandma's aching feet. We criss-cross dunes, exploring, sand scratches between toes; shells and pebbles collected in a Mickey Mouse bucket. Swollen feet cool, treading kelp carpets; I giggle as tiddler's fins tickle my toes. Soaking up the ambiance … I float back to children's whispers, making shell pictures for grandparents, pebble paper weights are painted for friend's Christmas presents. I smell fish fingers - almost burning! ''Tea's ready, kids.'' ------------------------------------------------ This is a revision of a poem posted earlier
Archived comments for Escape From Routine
Bradene on 11-10-2010
Escape From Routine
This is Brilliant, really atmospheric, showing not telling stuff. Worthy of a nib I feel. Valx

Author's Reply:
Hi Val - sorry I'm late coming back tot this. Thank you for your lovely comments - you are always so encouraging.
Eira x

stormwolf on 16-10-2010
Escape From Routine
Distant boat sails tilt;
people crowd the blue, bobbing,
its undulating hum broken
by seagullโ€™s chuckling.

This really stood out for me..like a painting actually
Great work again and well done!
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your encouraging words, Alison. Always good to hear from you.
Eira x


Triumphant Day (posted on: 01-10-10)
A sonnet

The rooster's crow incites the sun to rise, bestirring earth from sleep. He deftly braids vermilion ribbons through empurpling skies, creating tapestries in lustrous shades. A breeze respires to shake the leaves awake, while sparrows chirp and wing among the trees. Then fiery tongues caress the sky and break across the opal hues of day's reprise. As dew is sprinkled over fields, it clings like moistened lace; exudes a fresh bouquet. Creation beats its rhythm, nature sings her blithe refrain, uniting dawn's array. As earth's crescendo peaks, its warmth is spread; the sun now leaps triumphant from his bed. --------------------------------------- L7 was Then tongues of fire lick the sky and break
Archived comments for Triumphant Day
e-griff on 01-10-2010
Triumphant Day
very nice. I was surprised to find a rhythmic glitch (unusual for your work), but think I worked out why. it's at '... fire lick ...' 'fire' is actually one syllable. I guess, like many, you are pronouncing it as two, so 'fire licks' is / - / rather than / / . On first reading, I skidded to a halt as I read it as one syllable. Other readers may do this, so it's probably advisable to change it.

the same problem can occur with words like 'wheel' etc.

Author's Reply:
Thanks John - I don't talk 'posh' (hee hee) so yes I was pronouncing fire with 2 syllables. I do hate these words that can be pronounced either... or, like jewel (I've come unstuck on that one too!)

Anyway I've changed the line to ' then fiery tongues caress the sky ....' Problem solved.

Eira

sunken on 03-10-2010
Triumphant Day
Hello Capricorn. Isn't it rainy? I've noticed that people disappear from the site when I come online. Do you think they might be threatened by my commenting skills? Ahem.
I too come across that problem with certain words. I think they're two silly-bubbles, but when I check I find they is just one. It's most infuriating for a simple sunk. I blame English. Enjoyed muchly, like a Yorkie bar. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

don't talk to me about chaos

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk - yes, I'm starting to rust with all the rain. I think people might be trying to hibernate. I'm sure everyone is encouraged by your commenting skills.
Yes ... English language has a lot to answer for, but then I suppose we don't call objects masculine or feminine like French. Mmmm.... don't mention Yorkie Bars - got to lose some weight!
Eira
I am a chocoholic you know!


Sun's Sound Asleep (posted on: 27-09-10)
For Children (or young at heart)

The sun lies snug beneath a spread with crimson ribbon trims -- clouds pillowing his frazzled head. His daily dazzle dims to silhouette the trees below as twilight nibbles night. Moon lightly croons, her face aglow as umpteen stars unite in silver slippers, dancing spry ... they shimmy, 'til a flush of sun's long fingers touch the sky, commanding them to ... husssh
Archived comments for Sun's Sound Asleep
e-griff on 27-09-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
I nice little poem, technically correct with a 4/3 line rhythm, no glitches, very smooth and bouncy.

Problem for me was the verse breaks - completely threw me on first reading. These are four line verses ... the rhyming scheme tells us that. They can be shown as that, or run all together (please!).

Author's Reply:
Hi John

This was an experiment ... obviously gone wrong! LOL!

I'll change to 4 line verses, but might eventually run the lines on.

Thanks for your comments
Eira

Jolen on 28-09-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
Loved the rhythm and the first verse in particular.

A pleasure to read.

blessings,
Jolen



Author's Reply:
Hi Jolen
So glad you enjoyed this one.
Eira

pdemitchell on 28-09-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
Hi Eira! This is soooo cute! and you've been working on triple-alliteration too: daily dazzle dims. Makes me want to cwtch a teddy bear! Cheers mitch

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch

So glad you like this - it's a long time since I've heard someone say cwtch - takes me back to when my Gran was alive - ah memories!
Eira

Gee on 29-09-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
Magical, Eira. The last verse was, for me, a wonderful image.
Yes, I can definitely see this appealing to children.
And to me, of course.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Gee - I'm so pleased that this appealed to the child in you!
Eira

sunken on 29-09-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
Hello Capricorn. This appealed to the child in me too. It kept him quiet for a while at least. Sadly he is now demanding sweets at the top of his voice. It's so embarrassing for a fully grown fella. I may have to evict him from my being. Nice work indeed.

s
u
n
k
e
n

excuse me, do you have these in butterscotch?

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk

I thought this might appeal to you. Now be a good boy and play with your toys ... and I might find some butterscotch! ( mmm... long time since I had any!)
Eira

Bradene on 29-09-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
Oh I love this little gem, the rhytnm and rhyme, just perfect. I'm amazed it hasn't been nibbed. Great work. Val x

Author's Reply:
So glad you enjoyed this, Val and thanks for the rating! I see a nib has appeared too!
Eira

stormwolf on 01-10-2010
Suns Sound Asleep
simply beautiful Eira. You will soon be able to paper your walls with well desrved nibs!
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thank you Alison!
Eira x


Shipwreck (posted on: 24-09-10)
This is not from my own experience, but someone I know

You struggled for a lifeline -- I stretched out, but a surge delivered you breathless, floating like driftwood into mist. Lost in a sea of suckling mothers -- I ache to cradle you against my engorged breasts; clutching your blue blanket I'm submerged in its void.
Archived comments for Shipwreck
Jolen on 24-09-2010
Shipwreck
An excellent metaphoric piece. Stirring, poignant and fresh. Well done and congrats on the well deserved nib.

blessings,
jolen

Author's Reply:
Thanks Jolen - nice to hear your comments
Eira

stormwolf on 24-09-2010
Shipwreck
A different approach that speaks of loss and pain. You use imagery that tugs at the soul. Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - always good to hear from you.
Eira x

sunken on 26-09-2010
Shipwreck
Hello Capricorn. It's me, sunks. This deserves far more comment than it got. The last time my soul got tugged I ended up in A & E. It turned out to be food poisioning. I blame mince meat. This, however, is not food poisoning. I'm trying to say I like it. I'll just shut up and whack a Bernard on ya. Well done on the nib by the way. It suits ya.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunk

Glad you like it even though it affected you - well it affected me too when I was writing it.
Thanks for the Bernard!
Eira
Be careful what you eat!


Christmas Cactus (posted on: 20-09-10)
Remembering my mother

She faded before Yuletide -- left me orphaned. I adopted her favourite cactus, brought to cheer her in the dreary ward, took it home to nourish. Trapped by mourning's rut, I neglected it. Grief eased; I found the plant desiccated, like my core. Wilted with guilt I teased encrusted roots from sapless earth, pampered it with fresh soil, water and good food. To my astonishment, cerise buds now tip verdant leaves. It's late in spring yet her Christmas cactus blossoms.
Archived comments for Christmas Cactus
pdemitchell on 20-09-2010
Christmas Cactus
Hi Eira - the guilt of belated horticulture and a poignant and moving tribute to your mother in one piece! Maybe a small change to the last line to 'her Christmas Cactus' to empahsise the possession. Excelent stuff. Mitch.

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - yes, I like your suggestion for the last line - always felt something was missing there.
Thanks
Eira

stormwolf on 20-09-2010
Christmas Cactus
and will always in your heart too.
Very tender and touching Eira.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison. It's drawing near to that time of year - full of memories.
Eira x

Beth on 21-09-2010
Christmas Cactus
Hi Eira, I liked this a lot, especially the way you used language to echo your feelings. Such a difficult topic to write about and yet the image of the cactus is so positive and rejuvinating. I also liked the line: "Grief eased" it was unexpected at that point in the poem but it touched a chord in me somewhere. A beautifully expressed poem - regards Beth

Author's Reply:
Hi Beth - I'm so glad this touched a chord woth you.
Eira

Ionicus on 21-09-2010
Christmas Cactus
A moving poem, Eira, with a nice opening stanza and well wriiten lines:
"Grief eased; I found the plant
desiccated, like my core."
Good read.

Author's Reply:
Thanks Luigi!
Eira

sunken on 26-09-2010
Christmas Cactus
Hello again Capricorn. I read this last week and am surprised it never got nibbed. I couldn't comment at the time as I was busy exfoliating the back of an octogenarian. Someone had to do it. A top write, in my sunken opinion.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
LOL! exfoliating an octagenarian! You do have some interesting tasks to perform Sunk - could be a poem in there!

Thanks for your comments - and perhaps I have you to thank, but a nib has appeared! I've also just heard it will be published at Xmas! I'm happy!
Eira


SADness (posted on: 17-09-10)
SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated half a million people in UK every winter between September and April; in particular during December, January and February.

A revision - (comments welcome!) Swallows rise from wet beds, as reeds fade, curling. They congregate, restlessly swing on telegraph wires, until united they flock to sun-baked Africa. As they dot the horizon I'm sucked into their void. Melancholic shadows reflect sun's feeble embrace Daylight dwindles, spills into long sombre nights disturbing body rhythms. Hedgehog's sleep beneath last season's rumpled sheets. Shrouded by a stratus duvet lethargy overwhelms me; I lounge on my couch, binging on biscuits with sugary tea, intermittently drifting away. Sun winks through trees arms now buttoned with buds, its rays weave a warm shawl around my shoulders. Listening to swallows trill in fresh grown reeds, I'm lifted from my sofa … and joyously sing. ---------------------------------------------------------- Melancholic shadows reflect sun's feeble embrace as climate tumbles with desiccating foliage. Wrapped in blackberry poncho I shiver, and sadness settles. Swallows rise from wet beds, as reeds fade, curling. They congregate, restlessly swing on telegraph wires, until united they flock to sun-baked Africa. As they dot the horizon I'm sucked into their void. Daylight dwindles, spills into long sombre nights disturbing body rhythms. Hedgehog's sleep beneath last season's rumpled sheets. Shrouded by a stratus duvet lethargy overwhelms me; I lounge on my couch, binging on biscuits with sugary tea, intermittently drifting away. Sun winks through trees arms now buttoned with buds, its rays weave a warm shawl around my shoulders. Listening to swallows trill in fresh grown reeds, I'm lifted from my sofa … and joyously sing.
Archived comments for SADness
Leila on 17-09-2010
SADness
Hi Capricorn
Yes it is getting to that time of year and a good poem reflecting the seasonal changes and their effects.
On reading this several times I was thinking that it might be better if you started with the 3rd verse and perhaps the two lines
Melancholic shadows
reflect sunโ€™s feeble embrace
would be more suited to the 5th verse. I'd omit verse 2 as I don't feel it adds anything to the poem. Just my own personal opinion for what it's worth. Leila

Author's Reply:
Hi Leila

Thanks for your suggestions - I think you might be right! It might explain why I've never been sure about the beginning of this. I'll put a revision here and see what others might say.

Thanks again!
Eira

pdemitchell on 17-09-2010
SADness
hi Eira - very melon collie indeed. I hate the November evenings most. But then I'm SAD too. Bring on the nib for binging on biscuits with sugary tea! Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch

Yes - November is horrible, but at least you can look forward to Xmas. January & February are worst for me. bring on the biscuits and sugary tea!!!!!
Eira

Ionicus on 17-09-2010
SADness
Eira, you have described the winter melancholy and how SAD affects many people, with vivid imagery. I have no precise criticism to make but perhaps you'd like to implement Leila's suggestions and see whether you get a better result by shuffling the stanzas.
Whatever you decide the message comes across loud and clear.
All the best.

Luigi.

Author's Reply:
Hi Luigi

I am just about to put a revision, rearranging the stanzas as Leila suggested - let me know what you think!

Eira

stormwolf on 18-09-2010
SADness
Hi Eira
I second Leila's suggestion which brings the poems together admirably. There is a feeling of decent then the returning of optimism so characteristic of SAD. I find the going away of the sun very hard to bear and it seems to get worse every year. I do not think its SAD with me, more a connection to the seasons that affect me on a very subtle level but ummistakeable still.
Once the winter solstice is over there is a feeling of nature beginning to hum once more. Roll on that time ;-(
Lovely work as always
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison



Yes, leila's suggestion has worked well and shown me why I never felt the beggining was right.



Like you I find every year is worse - dark nights & mornings - and the cold! Yes roll on the spring!



Eira x

Thanks for the rating ... & choosing me as hot author

sunken on 18-09-2010
SADness
Hello Capricorn. I cant pretend to know about powetwee but i do tend to agree with Leila's comments regarding the moving of certain verses. I think we all feel the shift of seasons. I for one dread the onset of winter. Take care.

s
u
n
k
e
n

in this silence i believe

Author's Reply:
Hi sunk
Yes, thumbs up to Leila's suggestion!
I'm already feeling the onset of winter - this norherly wind is cold!
Roll on summer!

Eira


Skin on Skin (posted on: 10-09-10)
This is not as it seems at the start

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged yet unrequited hungers rage. Their dance commences; undulations shed her filmy negligee to drape the floor. A lithe display of belly-dancing; titillations. Flickering tongues on freckled skin inhale the musky scents within; He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle -- lost in lust they intertwine instinctively, physiques combine dove tailing in a sultry puzzle. Fervour bubbles to a boil and overflows; fulfilled they coil behind their safety glass. I glance, at you; we share a drink, before my silk chemise slips on the floor -- a prelude to our mating dance.
Archived comments for Skin on Skin
Romany on 10-09-2010
Skin on Skin
Ok, at first I thought it was about blokes at a strip club/stag night type deal. Then I thought they were watching belly dancers, but by the end I thought it was a couple watching a porn movie before getting it on themselves!

So! I know it's full of sexual connotation at least - or is there some deeper, more abstract meaning that I have missed totally?

Romany.

P.S Well written.

Author's Reply:
Hi Romany

I loved your interpretation of this. The clues are in - flickering tongues - coil behind their safety glass.

The beginning of the poem is actually about 2 snakes mating.The shedding of her filmy neglige, was the female snake shedding her skin. (This wouldn't necessarily happen before mating, but could if it was time to shed). Read it again and hopefully all will become clear.

Eira

sunken on 12-09-2010
Skin on Skin
Oh for god's sake! Everywhere I turn today it's sex, sex, sex. Is it any wonder I'm so frustrated. I've a good mind to buy myself a watermelon and have done! Ahem. Sorry. *Pulls himself together. Ahem. A very well wriiten piece and no mistake, Eira. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

the death of a morris dancer, well it happens a lot 'round ere...

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk

My apologies for submitting this -- I don't know what came over me! -- but it obviously over came you!

I'll try not to do this again!

Watermelon, eh?! Hmmmm.....

discopants on 14-09-2010
Skin on Skin
Enjoyed this- I didn't pick up that there were snakes involved until I read your reply to Romany but there are some clues in there...

Nicely-written.

Author's Reply:
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed.

Eira


Dance of the Crinkled Veils (posted on: 06-09-10)
This is a rewrite of one I submitted some time ago. A different look at autumn -----------------------------------------------------------

Beneath a screen of stratus shade she changes into citrus hues as breezes fan and serenade her -- ballet pointes battements tendus. Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls chartreuse with russet layered hems; soft flurries tousle chestnut curls adorned with crimson clustered gems. She sheds her veils in lento time -- pianissimo they pirouette; her vibrant beauty, still sublime, enshrouds terrains a la georgette Diminuendo: standing bare she silhouettes the dreary skies. Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair, his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs. With lofty body proudly posed her feet secured against each storm, she wavers endless arms, exposed 'til emerald layers dress her form.
Archived comments for Dance of the Crinkled Veils
pdemitchell on 06-09-2010
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Bingo! A feast of alliteration and musical/balletical metaphor with a sound tempo that got me hooked and raised a done-to-death subject head and shouldesr above most efforts on the subject. Bravissimo. Well worth a nib any day! Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mitch - I really enjoyed writing this one!

Eira

stormwolf on 06-09-2010
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
I agree with Mitch. A done to death subject given your own stamp. You are on a roll! ๐Ÿ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - I hope I am on a roll!

Eira x

sunken on 09-09-2010
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Hello Capricorn. A nib worthy piece if ever I read one. Why then is it void of said accolade? I'll get my placards out.

s
u
n
k
e
n

author of 'the goldfish memoirs' - 'my seagull, my heart' & 'look at me know, stevie wonder!'

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk - looks like your placards worked! LOL!

Thanks for your support as usual.

Eira

barenib on 09-09-2010
Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Eira, this is lovely and is certainly an original take on autumn. It's well thought out and equally well written and the flow is beautiful. John.

Author's Reply:
Thanks John - glad you appreciated it!
Eira


Would You Like To Dance (posted on: 30-08-10)
Especially for those who were young in the sixties! Words in italics indicate words from the song 'Those were the days' sung by Mary Hopkin. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm lifted by Mary Hopkin's lilting strains. Those were the days, my friend… Wearing new blue hot-pants, I teeter on stilettos to the Saturday Dance geometrical-bob shining -- Mary Quant-style. Fluttering false lashes at the lads, we circle our bags bopping to Cliff. We'd sing and dance forever and a day. He taps me on the shoulder, "Would you like to dance?" I giggle shyly at the guy with the Beatle haircut, dressed in a suit with narrow, neon tie. We twist to Chubby Checker; hips and thighs synchronize. I Remember how we laughed away the hours and dreamed of all the great things we would do. Smooching to Moon River's slower beat, our hearts throb rhythmically; breath quickening. Life: star-lit and spangled with hope, but... then the busy years went rushing by us; we lost our starry notions on the way. Now nothing seems the way it used to be, but in our hearts the dreams are still the same snug in my fuzz of reminiscence, I glance in the mirror -- in the glass I see a strange reflection… is that lonely woman really me? Should I have travelled his way, where is my first love now? those were the days, oh yes…those were the days. Mary's voice drifts away…
Archived comments for Would You Like To Dance
e-griff on 30-08-2010
Would You Like To Dance
Cute wee narrative, nicely done. But I have to veritably crush you with a damning criticism ... it has to be done, for the sake of Erato and Euphrosyne ... it is my duty ...

It should be ..... *rumbles of thunder approach*

Mary Hopkin

*sky splits open, lightning flashes, God's face appears and the hordes of avenging angels swoop*

justice is done!

A Fiend

Author's Reply:
Hello there - do you mean to say I have been calling her Mary Hopkins for nigh on forty years?

My apologies - walking out backwards- red faced - bowing low!

I'm off to make a few edits! he he!

Eira

pdemitchell on 30-08-2010
Would You Like To Dance
Hi Eira - I'm sure Mary would approve but now I've got the damn song stuck into my brain again. I had a crush on her once, you know - unti I discovered Pink Floyd, Cream etc Very nostalgic... I used to hate tottering up to girls on platform soles at discos and being told to go away - what did the handbags have that I didn't? Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
It is a lovely song, isn't it? - and a very pretty girl. They don't write them like that any more.

Haha! - I'm imagining you in platforms - the things we wear for fashion sake!

I'm sure they missed out choosing their handbags instead of you!

Eira

Andrea on 30-08-2010
Would You Like To Dance
Oh lovely! Took me right back that did - wonder whatever happened to Mary Hopkin?



Author's Reply:
Yes - that song always brings back great memories. Mmm.... I wonder what happened to Mary? I can't remember what else she sang!

Eira

A1writer on 01-09-2010
Would You Like To Dance
For your information: Mary Hopkin biography

Last updated: 19 November 2008

Mary Hopkin, after singing on Opportunity Knocks, became one of the stars of The Beatles' Apple label.

Born in 1950 in Pontardawe, Mary Hopkin's singing began while she was still a schoolgirl. Starting out in a local folk band, the Selby Set & Mary, she also released several Welsh-language albums on local label Cambrian Recordings.

I really love writing and singing but I don't like performing. In fact I'm thinking of putting some of my music on a website

Mary HopkinMary's fortunes changed dramatically in 1968 following an appearance on the TV talent show Opportunity Knocks, where she performed Turn Turn Turn. It was indeed to be a turning point in her life.

She won the competition, and the following Monday received a telegram asking her to call Apple Records. She did, and spoke to Paul McCartney, who asked her to come up to London the next day for an audition.

Mary recorded eight songs that day, and was offered a recording contract on the spot. The song Those Were The Days was chosen as her first single, and it looked to be an instant success - her success in Opportunity Knocks had already made her a household name. She was just 18 years old.

However, it wasn't all plain sailing. News came through that Sandie Shaw had also recorded Those Were The Days, and was rushing it out to coincide with Mary's release date of 30 August 1968. Apple took out ads in the music press which said, "Listen to Mary Hopkin sing Those Were The Days. Listen to Sandie Shaw's version. Then buy the one you like".

The gamble paid off. Mary's version topped the charts on both sides of the Atlantic. Its follow-up, Goodbye, was written by Paul McCartney, who was also produced her first album, Postcard. With cover versions of Donovan's Lord Of The Reedy River and Happiness Runs, much of Postcard featured songs that weren't best suited to her voice.

The single Temma Harbour, produced by Mickey Most, reached the Top 10, and Knock, Knock, Who's There? was Britain's 1970 Eurovision entry. She came second.

Her last top 20 hit was Think About Your Children, a song written by Hot Chocolate. By this time, Mary had become increasingly unhappy at the material she was being given to sing, although there were high points.

Her album Earth Song/Ocean Song, released in 1970, remains to this day the album Mary is most pleased with, considering it to be more her style than her previous releases. Earth Song/Ocean Song featured Danny Thompson from Pentangle on double bass, Ralph McTell on guitar and Dave Cousins from The Strawbs on guitar.

The album's release marked the end of her tenure with Apple. Mary temporarily retired from recording, married producer Tony Visconti, and mostly left the music business to bring up her children.

But she sporadically returned to recording, working with former members of the Springfields and ELO, appearing on George Martin's production of Dylan Thomas' Under Milk Wood, and guesting on The Crocketts' album The Great Brain Robbery.

In 2005, her classic 1972 concert at the Royal Festival Hall was released via her website, getting a wider release the following year. She rounded off 2006 with a Christmas download-only single, Snowed Under, with the promise of new recordings to come.

Mary's next three albums, Valentine (2007), Recollections (2008) and Now And Then (2009) are available as the Archive Set, featuring previously unreleased music from 1973 to 1983.


Author's Reply:
Hi - thank you for this info. It's great! It has brought back so much that I had forgotten - such as her appearance in Opportunity Knocks and her Eurovision entry 'Knock knock who's there?' It's taken me on a trip down Memory Lane.
Thanks again
Eira

sunken on 02-09-2010
Would You Like To Dance
...But don't ya think Punk was more influential tho? Ahem. I wanted a mohican but I was too young. I rebelled by parting my hair down the middle. Oh yeah, I was hardcore. Ahem. I trust this comment has been of no use whatsoever? For this I apologise. Well done on the nib and also for being this month's featured member. I long to have my member featured. Sadly it's far too average to even be considered. Ahem. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

voted most likely to fall into an open grave

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk -well punk certainly had its place among the mods and rockers. Aw! well you could always have your mohican now! Send me a piccie if you do.

As for the 'featured member' - I'm sure your day will come - soon!
Eira

stormwolf on 03-09-2010
Would You Like To Dance
Hi Eira
A real walk down memory lane. I just need to smell the scent of nail varnish and soul music and I am back there. Stirring stuff. Great on the nib!
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison

Funny how a song can take you back - nice too!

Thanks
Eira x


Ageing Blonde (posted on: 27-08-10)
Written in Huitain Form aaba ab cc

A revision The casket holds a flaxen curl with azure slides to style a girl -- organza ribbons pertly tied. Forgotten memories unfurl … her teenage topknot clasped a whorl of mousy tresses, chestnut-dyed. Now sable's cursed with silver glints, adeptly glossed with golden tints. --------------------------------------------- The box enfolds a flaxen curl and azure slides to style a girl, organza ribbons pertly tied -- forgotten memories unfurl … her teenage topknot clasps a whorl of mousy tresses, chestnut-dyed. Now sable's cursed with silver glints, adeptly glossed with golden tints.
Archived comments for Ageing Blonde
e-griff on 27-08-2010
Ageing Blonde
this lilted along nicely, and got its images and message over well. I read it first and enjoyed it, then went back and suffled round a bit.

I was a little unhappy with the second line, mostly because of the potential to read 'slides' as a verb, but also it seemed to be something of a filler, perhaps something more directly significant which adds to the theme would help?

Niggly old me also looked at 'flaxen' and 'sable' - okay, both can be a kind of light yellowish, but 'mousey' is definitely a darker, browner colour, and it's 'chestnut dyed' so I'm a bit confused. (I admit this is a very detailed scrutiny, but it did catch my attention when reading).

best JohnG

Author's Reply:
Hi John - its always good to hear from you.

I can see this has confused you. The message of the poem is in the title - 'Ageing' and starts off with a little girl and follows her hair styles/colours through to a greying lady.

The idea for this poem came from a box I found after my mother died, containing a couple of my blonde curls (from when I was a little girl) and blue hair slides - so slides is certainly not a filler, but important to the start.

St1 is about finding the box with blode (flaxen) curls & blue slides, (bringing memories of the ribbons too.) Perhaps if I change 'and' in line 2 to 'with' it might not mix it up with the verb 'slides' What do you think?

St2 recalls teenage years when hair became mousy and dyed chestnut.

St3 begins 'now' and is present day - hair is now much darker (sable) with grey (silver) flecks - which have been glossed with golden tints (bringing back a bit of blonde again)

I hope this explains my intentions - I'll see if I can make it clearer. This is a very old poem which won an honorable mention in a poetry journal for rhyming poetry - but I came back to it as I'm always open to suggestions for improvement.

Thanks - Eira

pdemitchell on 27-08-2010
Ageing Blonde
Hi Eira - I found the time line clearand the poem a fine piece and a joy when read aloud - slides is clearly a plural noun in this context but any poem evolves and another poetic form may evolve out of this: that's what makes this site good - to have conflicting opine onions but never being afraid to defend oe explain your work if you think it merits it. Post on! Mitch ๐Ÿ˜›

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - Glad that you understood this. I have made a few tweaks which I think might iron out any difficulties - but as with any changes, if they don't work for you - let me know.
Yes it is good to be able to discuss poems, we learn a lot that way. Others often see our work differently from the way we intended and it can be difficult to stand back from it at times.
Yes - I'll post on!
Eira

e-griff on 27-08-2010
Ageing Blonde
ahah! I see it now! Thanks! It was the middle one that got me confused (I knew the last one was older). I think I focussed on the box, and whereas the last one clearly referred to her hair now (old), the 'topknot' didn't explain itself to me at least. So if you considered altering it for old folks like myself, it would probably help us ๐Ÿ™‚

on the 'slides' thing, I'm back on my hobby horse here. If I'm the only one who was momentarily distracted, fine. If a proportion of your readers have the same little hesitation over the word, change it. As in all crit, while praise is lovely (and I did like this overall) it's the complaints that will help you improve a piece ... ๐Ÿ™‚

very best, John G

Author's Reply:
Hi John - I've given this much thought today and made a few little changes, which I hope will make it clearer.

I have changed line 2 to:
with azure slides to style a girl
as I feel 'slides' then cannot be mistaken for a verb in this context.

As you had difficulties with the middle stanza, I have moved the last line of the first st down to start stanza 2, showing it is a memory - hoping this might help:

Forgotten memories unfurl โ€ฆ
her teenage topknot clasped a whorl
of mousy tresses, chestnut-dyed.

I hope this has helped a little.
Eira

e-griff on 28-08-2010
Ageing Blonde
that's excellent. I think if you have a 'finished' poem, the smaller the changes you make the fewer unintended consequences ensue ... and they certainly all work.

I'm not sure if you've departed from the form now (but I like the new layout better anyway - seems more natural and balanced), but I guess that's less important. You correctly guessed it was the 'forgotten ...' line I was missing. In the original, I was definitely associating that line with the first ones rather than the following and in this sense, the changed punctuation helps as well.

Nice job!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi John - glad this works for you now.

As for departing from the form (its a long time since I wrote this one) I think I departed from the form in the first place, as I have a feeling it should be just one stanza of 8 lines (which wouldn't really suit this poem!)

Now that I've brought that 'missing' line down - I'm wondering why I didn't do that in the first place! - probably why I'm always revising poems! LOL!

Thanks!
Eira


Sing to Me (posted on: 13-08-10)
Sometimes, I wish I could be a little girl again, with my mother singing me to sleep.

Cradle me, Mammy -- in your warm arms I'll inhale the fragrance of your skin; playing 'butterflies', eyelashes flutter against each other's cheeks. Sing to me, Mammy, lift me with your spirit in rousing hymns; soothe me with lullabies, swaying 'til I rest. I'm growing old, Mam, yet that little girl lingers -- longing for the solace of your embrace. When sleeplessly tired I ache for the lilting timbre of your voice to wrap me in peace.
Archived comments for Sing to Me
Romany on 14-08-2010
Sing to Me
how beautiful and how lucky to have such a loving mum - I've got one too, so I can identify with your warm remembrances here. So sad for all the kids whose mum's are not so caring - but that's another story.

Lovely poem, warm.

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Thank you Romany - I'm pleased you could identify with this. Yes - we sometimes forget about the mother's who are not so caring. I'm so rateful to have warm memories of mine.
Eira

Ionicus on 14-08-2010
Sing to Me
A nice, sweet, poem full of wishful thinking and nostalgic memories.

Author's Reply:
Thank you for reading and leaving comments!
Eira

pdemitchell on 14-08-2010
Sing to Me
The butterflies that flutter by - a lovely nostalgic piece with a few sweet half-rhymes in the last stanza that kept it just enough from being blank verse to hold interest. Mitch

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mitch - always good to hear from you.
Eira

pdemitchell on 14-08-2010
Sing to Me
The butterflies that flutter by - a lovely nostalgic piece with a few sweet half-rhymes in the last stanza that kept it just enough from being blank verse to hold interest. Mitch

Author's Reply:

stormwolf on 15-08-2010
Sing to Me
This brought tears to my eyes because I can identify with it so well. My mother is growing very frail and her days are numbered but when I go home to see her I am her little girl and she is my mummy and God knows what I will do when she's gone. Into favs for me. It was skillfully written and very moving because I felt the heart and authenticity in the writing of it.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison - sorry I'm late replying! I'm so pleased you have chosen this as favourite. My mother has been gone 4 years now and I still miss her - but I'm sure you understand!
Eira


Summer Treasure (posted on: 02-08-10)
The joys of a summer shower!

A fragrance fills the atmosphere when soil is drenched with nourishment. All life revives when summer's tears are spilt in joy or brief lament. All watered flowers lift their crowns and stand erect on tufted banks, attired in freshly laundered gowns of leafy green. The earth gives thanks for sustenance -- a moist embrace intensifying faded hues while appliqu้s of cirri lace adorn celestial shades of blue. An iridescent bow unfolds across the sky to dress our land, -- no legendary pot of gold, but gems from God's creative hand.
Archived comments for Summer Treasure
stormwolf on 02-08-2010
Summer Treasure
Hi Eira,
Although nature is beautiful it can be difficult to write a poem about it that does not sound slightly jaded IMO.
Here you have achieved such a fresh feeling in the poem it is as if I, myself, have been washed in a summer rain.
I cannot fault it and it also has a classical, timeless feel to it.
The rhyming is original and the poem ehanced rather than depleted with the use of it which again can sometimes be the case.

All life revives when summerโ€™s tears
are spilt in joy or brief lament.

I really enjoyed it. A fav for me.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison
I am so glad this worked for you and thanks for adding it to your favourite list. It's an old poem that I have recently revised. Yes, it is difficult to write about nature - but I am occasionally inspired. LOL!
Thanks for the rating too.
Eira x

pdemitchell on 02-08-2010
Summer Treasure
hi Eira - a subject done to death but difficult to do well. I'm out of my 'comfort' zone here but well-constructed and rhymed. Lines like "while appliquรฉs of cirri lace" - keep it fresh. Enjoyable. Mitch

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mitch!
Eira

sunken on 04-08-2010
Summer Treasure
Hello Capricorn. This is full of wonderful imagery and no mistake. I particularly like -

'An iridescent bow unfolds
across the sky to dress our land,'


Did I just say 'wonderful'? I'm not sure I ever used that word before. I better go lie down for a while (-; Muchly enjoyed. Well done.

s
u
n
k
e
n

best before tea time


Author's Reply:
Hi Sunken

I am honoured that you think this is wonderful. especially as you may not have used that word before.

Eira

Ionicus on 04-08-2010
Summer Treasure
A nice lyrical poem with good, expressive lines like:
'....The earth gives thanks
for sustenance -- a moist embrace
intensifying faded hues
while appliquรฉs of cirri lace
adorn celestial shades of blue.'
Very enjoyable.


Author's Reply:
I am so glad you enjoyed this - and thanks for the rating
Eira

Bradene on 05-08-2010
Summer Treasure
Lovely, nice to read your work again. Val x

Author's Reply:
Hi Val, it's good to 'see' you again.
Eira x


Too Old to Party (posted on: 23-07-10)
When we're asleep at night there is a party going on (a revision of an old poem 'Party Night')

When Sun slips into sleep, the old man moans and sets night twinkling. Ach! -- it's party time again. Night tickles the Stars they giggle, quiver and wink with delight. Old fusty scowls – forgetting his own youthful hi-jinks. Moon drifts by flaunting pale makeup, joins the flirting -- stars blowing kisses. Old crabby tut-tut's closing his curtains. Sun stretches; long fingers prod Aurora awake. Sky-larkers snuggle the duvet that covers darkness. Old Sky blushes when Day's fresh kisses brighten him up, bit-by-bit.
Archived comments for Too Old to Party
pdemitchell on 23-07-2010
Too Old to Party
A fresh sweet look at an old and hoary subject. I liked it - a Galaxy/Milky Way/Mars bar of a piece . Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mitch! I certainly enjoyed writing this as it is so different from my usual.
Eira

pdemitchell on 25-07-2010
Too Old to Party
Hi Eira - this deserves more reads and comments! Mitch

Author's Reply:
Aw! Thanks Mitch (story of my life LOL!)
I would have answered sooner but my account was deactivated (even though I'd paid my subs!) Anyway - back on track now.
Eira

sunken on 27-07-2010
Too Old to Party
Hello Capricorn. Another muchly underrated piece, in my sunky opinion. I blame lethargy. That said, I'm kinda guilty of it myself. This is a little corker of a piece. Particularly liked:

'Sun stretches;
long fingers prod Aurora awake.
Sky-larkers snuggle the duvet
that covers darkness. '

Oh yeah. That hits the spot. It's been a while since my spot was hit. Ahem. Top stuff and no mistake.

s
u
n
k
e
n

ground control to gordon brown

Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunk!
Sorry for the late reply - as explained to Mitch in above message. Hope to see you soon.
Eira


Sky Wars (posted on: 02-07-10)
A sonnet

Conflicting forces brace for battle, dressed in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm the sky, they mobilize and fly abreast while nimbi squadrons activate the storm. Descending bombs crescendo; roaring booms provoke the sun to disengage his rays. Grenades explode, their flashes herald doom so startled creatures dart in disarray. Machine guns fire, barraging foes in bursts; torrential rains unleashed soon drench the land to quench the dehydrated flora's thirst. New cirri squads arrive to take command, belligerence retreating. Peace pervades as sunrays rally; victory parades.
Archived comments for Sky Wars
e-griff on 02-07-2010
Sky Wars
I particularly liked the rhythm and word placing in the first verse, which IMO works very well indeed. I found the second verse a little less strong, especially the too-close (for me) rhyme of rays and arrays, but still good.

At first I was put off bythe layout of the last two verses (and wasn't comfortable with 'barraging') , until I realised the rhythm was continued across the break and you effectively had a four line verse with a two line coda, but have arranged it to fit the context. Frankly, I don't think that works.

Me, I'd take out the 'flora' line, which seems like padding to me, and bolster the last line with something to introduce it (about the cirri squad, for example: ' and with bright weapons glistening in their hands/new cirri squads ...' )

if possible, I'd try to make the final couplet stranger and more telling, a real punch-line.

worth spending a bit more time on, I think - overall it comes across very well. good length, good rhythm, good meassage.

Author's Reply:
Sorry I'm so late getting back to this - been busy!
I have taken on board your comments for a revision - especially for the ending, which I am not keen on myself.
Thanks!

pdemitchell on 02-07-2010
Sky Wars
Hi Eira - sonnet salvos ahoy! A meteorlogical smorgasbord of metaphor. The aborigines of Oz said that lightning was the sparks off the flint axes of the Lightning Brothers as they warred in the heavens. Nimbi raining on nimbys - there's a thought. I read it aloud several times and the meter thumps along but it fizzles a bit with victory parades in the last couplet - a wee tweakette here and it'll be perfecto mundo. Mitch ๐Ÿ˜‰

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - sorry I'm late returning to this. I agree about the ending here - never been quite happy with it! I'll get round to tweaking it soon.

Eira
ps thanks for the rating

stormwolf on 04-07-2010
Sky Wars
As one who adores storms...I saw it all in my inner vision..;-)
The title was clever and perfect for the poem.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison - sorry I'm so late replying (been busy) I've written a few poems about storms, must look them out. Thanks for the rating!
Eira


Mating Call (posted on: 25-06-10)
First glance can be deceptive!!

She stands stilt-legged in rushes fringing the lily-pond. His massive wings undulate screening the sun as he peers down, with rising hunger. Ignoring his calls she proceeds to aerate the pond. water spurting from her neb. He swoops close by to catch a carp -- and her unseeing eye. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is the original - a revision is above She stands stilt-legged in rushes fringing the lily-pond. His massive wings undulate screening the sun as he peers down on this potential mate. She ignores his calls -- water spurting from her neb. The lemon resin heron proceeds to aerate the pond; he swoops close by to catch a carp -- and her unseeing eye.
Archived comments for Mating Call
stormwolf on 25-06-2010
Mating Call
A lovely nature poem with a great final line which brings it all together. Excellent imagery .
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thank you Alison - I wrote this some time ago and have just dragged it from the back of the drawer!
Thanks for the rating too.
Eira x

e-griff on 25-06-2010
Mating Call
Nicely put together. I can't help thinking though you may be telling us too much... examples? 'potential mate' - ie we can understand that from the rest of the poem, maybe you don't need to say that. the less you 'tell' the more interesting writing becomes for the reader. so you might replace 'on this potential mate' with 'with interest' (or something more interesting) also 'lemon resin' -

might be worth a try to see ...

best JohnG

Author's Reply:
Thanks John - you are quite right in your comments and I have written a revised version where I hope I don't spoon feed the reader so much.

Eira

sunken on 26-06-2010
Mating Call
Hello Capricorn. A tip top sub, in my sunky opinion. It put me in mind of Kylie during her hot-pants phase - I could see it all... ahhh... ahem. Sorry. A neat little sub and no mistake. Have a beagle.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Hi Sunk

You leave me wondering what in the poem put you in mind of Kylie in hot pants - was it the long stilt legs? I love it when my poems inspire images in the readers mind! LOL!

Always good to see you here.
Eira

pdemitchell on 26-06-2010
Mating Call
Hi there - an enjoyable subette of unrequited avian lust. Iit eeven made me look up the word 'neb' - alas, my poker mate Neb will henceforth be known as Mr Beaky. Lemon resin was a bit odd though - can you change that somehow? Regardzzz Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch
You'll be glad to know I've got rid of the 'lemon heron'. I suppose I included it after seeing a lemon resin water feature in the garden centre the day after I saw a live heron sitting on our fence ... and hence the poem.
How's Mr Beaky like his new name? LOL!
Eira

Andrea on 26-06-2010
Mating Call
Huh! I know this problem well. Fake herons don't work (although I only have shubunkins and goldfish, not carp) - in fact that's exactly what they do - attract lusty males!

Nice pome - and I liked lemon resin.

Author's Reply:
Thanks for the rating Andrea - glad you appreciate the problem!
With 2 votes against 'lemon resin' I've written a revision without it - not written in stone yet, so might still return! LOL!
Eira

royrodel on 27-06-2010
Mating Call
never thought about shagging in a pond
guess that's because ones willy shrivells up.

RODEL

Author's Reply:
Ha ha!!! - well I don't know much about the sex life of a heron, but I expect their equipment must be different!
Eira


Mam's Best Brooch (posted on: 18-06-10)
Memories of my mother ...

Mam's Best Brooch Dragonfly – your topaz dazzles like a yellow winged darter hovering over reminiscence. Camouflaged in amethyst you settle on her plum jacket, wings recalling fairies from her bed-time tales; they frolic amongst lavender and marigolds, dancing in my dreams.
Archived comments for Mam's Best Brooch
stormwolf on 18-06-2010
Mams Best Brooch
Simply beautiful...You have woven memories of the brooch with poignancy and dreams.
It has really moved me and the last line captures the innocence and joy of childhood just as I am sure she would have wanted for you. Well done.
.Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thank you Alison. I keep finding items of my mothers and they bring back so many memories - and poems too!
Thanks for the rating - much appreciated.
Eira

pdemitchell on 21-06-2010
Mams Best Brooch
Hi Eira - short and delightfully poignant but can I make a wee suggestion? Is it possible to lose that second line as you mention wings later and yellow-winged does not match the topaz and amethyst and darter is not quite right tho' I know what you mean - the darting dragon-fly, the flitter-critter... and maybe a minor tempo alteration to:
wings recalling fairies
from bed-time tales; they frolic
A lovely read nonetheless! Mitch ๐Ÿ™‚



Author's Reply:
Hi Mitch - thank you for your 'food fo thought' suggestions. Initially I thought - yes, to losing the 2nd line as it does seem unnecessary. Then I tried to think back to why I wrote that line (it was a couple of years ago) and remembered looking for a real dragonfly that might look like the brooch. Yellow Winged Darter is the name of an actual dragonfly. Now I'm not sure about that line.
I agree that ' from bed-time tales' is more concise and flows a bit better - but I added 'her' to distinguish the tales that my mother told, from other bed time tales.
I will consider your suggestions carefully. I never rush into changes, but do take suggestions seriously and often revise lines after years.
Thanks again for giving me something to think on.
Eira
Thanks for the rating - much appreciated

sunken on 22-06-2010
Mams Best Brooch
Hello Capricorn. I read this earlier over a Turkish Delight. It was less than delightful as the chocolate tasted funny. I blame a chicken curry that I had earlier. Thankfully your poem 'was' delightful. This more than made up for my culinary disappointment. Ahem. Just ignore this comment. I'm trying to say, in a very round-a-bout kinda way, that I enjoyed your poem very much. I should have just said that in the first place. Ahem. Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n

not to be mistaken for drunken

Author's Reply:
Hi Sunken - it's always good to see you!

Turkish Delight after curry - hmmm... well the curry probably disturbed your taste buds. Better to leave off eating the turkish delight for a while after the curry!

I am so glad you enjoyed this - now why would I mistake you for drunken! LOL!

Eira


Little Hopper Learns a Lesson (posted on: 11-06-10)
A story in rhyme which should help children realise why they must listen to their mother!

A little lemon hopper went out foraging alone, but disobeyed his mother by meandering from home. When Mummy Locust noticed him, it was a great relief to find him sitting in the grass and nibbling on a leaf. A hungry gecko scurried by intent on grabbing lunch, ''Watch out!'' his mummy called aloud, then heard a splitting crunch. Her son was in the lizard's mouth legs wriggling all about; the gecko didn't swallow him but gave a croaky shout. It spat him out and scampered off -- a snake had slithered near that hissed at little hopper who began to shake with fear. ''Come quick'' his mother shouted, as they jumped into a tree, where mummy saw the lizard must have munched poor hopper's knee. The snake's arrival saved him from the hungry lizard's tummy, but Hopper's learned his lesson well and listens to his mummy.
Archived comments for Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
Beth on 11-06-2010
Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
This is very amusing and would appeal to children. I liked the visual quality of the poem and thought it would work well with illustrations. An entertaining read.

Author's Reply:
Hi Beth - I'm glad you liked this. I have been told it would look good with illustrations - my son could do them for me, but is always busy! LOL! Oh well!

Thanks again
Eira

e-griff on 11-06-2010
Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
a cute wee pome, technically mostly okay (which means readers will find it fine) ... ๐Ÿ™‚

There is one potential ambiguity for some readers, I think.
Your metrical use of 'wriggling' and 'nibbling' rightly sees them as two-syllable words, so the added fillers are needed. But some people will read them as three syllables
(rig-a-ling, nib-ul-ing) and that makes 'all' and 'on' superfluous for them, and therefore disturbs the rhythm. How you bridge this divide (if you do) is up to you. ๐Ÿ™‚

On practicality. 'splitting crunch' implies a fairly serious injury - not one a wee locust would survive. You mention a bad knee - he would die, full stop. perhaps the scare should be less physically injurious?

ps: I do illustrations - cartoon like, not realistic.

Author's Reply:
Hi there - yes, pronunciation is a difficult one to know where to draw the line. I post at some American sites, which can pose problems too, in fact this one was workshopped at an American site some years ago - with a discussion about those words.

If I pronounced nibbling and wriggling as 3 syllables, those lines could be easily resctified as:

and nibbling a leaf.

legs wriggling about;

In some respects I find that more acceptable as it gets rid of the fillers which I don't really like ... but I find it difficult to write those words as 3 syllables, when I don't speak that way.

The only way round it would be to completely change the words or sentences - and I'm not averse to doing that. I often come back to a poem after years and rewrite completely.

I have recently had this published in Victorian Violets, an online journal, but I wrote it years ago and might look at changing those lines for the future.

I keep leopard gecko lizards and feed them on hoppers amongst other things. Sometimes the lizards pounce on the hoppers and miss but bite off their legs, so you have my assurance that hoppers can manage very well without legs and don't die. Perhaps the scare could be less ... but kids do love horrible things LOL! I'll think on that.

If I do get round to changing those lines I'll let you know.

I might just be calling on you for illustrations - I have a couple of other children's poems that people have said would look good with illustrations.

Thanks for the comments

Eira

pdemitchell on 11-06-2010
Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
I loved the bouncy tempo that ovecomes the three-syllable problem mentioned above when read aloud. The 'as' at the end of the line in the penultimate stanza seemed out of place but a lovely ode nonetheless. Would not be out of place in a kids verse book. mitch

Author's Reply:
Thanks for your comments - yes I suppose 'as' does stand out - that's enjambment for you. Perhaps I could change it to 'when'

Eira

Andrea on 11-06-2010
Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
Lovely - and quite right! Children should always listen to their mummy (who always knows best!) , as I keep telling my youngest. Alas, he is 21 and doesn't always take proper note *sigh*

Author's Reply:
LOL! Yes I know what you mean Andrea. My youngest is 26 ans still doesn't take note.
Thanks for the rating!
Eira

stormwolf on 14-06-2010
Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
This was a lively and meaningful little poem. I think kids would love it.
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Thanks Alison! I just wish I could write more children's poems!
Eira x

e-griff on 15-06-2010
Little Hopper Learns a Lesson
I stand (hee-hee!) corrected.

thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Ha-ha!

well I'm glad you haven't had your knees munched!!!!


Her Quiet Place (posted on: 04-06-10)
In memory of my Border Collie Sheba

The apple tree stoops; a shady embrace -- Sheba sleeps beneath. I whispered goodbye in November's gloom, knew she would fade before crimson streaked the sky. When the garden's ablaze with crocus' and daffodils, her bed is confettied in apple blossom. A throw of snow flakes warms her in winter. I sense her still bounding up to greet me, her collar medallion jingling. When the house is hushed I sometimes see her sleeping in a dark corner. Her aura never left; under the fruit trees is her favourite quiet place.
Archived comments for Her Quiet Place
Romany on 04-06-2010
Her Quiet Place
How beautiful! I am very conscious that my beautiful golden is getting old and frail now - a few months back I honestly thought we had lost him. I always wanted to bury him under a yellow rose bush - gorgeous, bright flowers that cheer your day (my favourites) just as he does for me. You are lucky to have been able to bury your beautiful companion in your garden -I live in RAF quarters, so no chance. Never mind, maybe things will change before that sad day.

This poem is very touching and gentle. I sympathise with your loss because I really understand how they become part of your life, your family and how we truly come to love them.

A lovely poem.


Author's Reply:
Thanks Romany ... and I hope you will be able to keep your dog near for some time yet. My Collie has actually been gone for 8 years now. I found this old poem and just felt I needed to share. We have quite cemetary in our garden - 2 dogs, a guinea pig, lost of fishes, lizards & snakes and even a few birds that have fallen from their nests. We're running out of space! LOL!

pdemitchell on 04-06-2010
Her Quiet Place
Hi Capricorn! Sad and heartfelt stuff and well written. mitch ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:
Thanks Mitch!
Eira

teifii on 05-06-2010
Her Quiet Place
So sorry for your loss. It is so sad when they go, I know.
Daff

Author's Reply:
Thanks Daff
Gone for 8 years now but this old poem reminded me.
Eira

shadow on 05-06-2010
Her Quiet Place
This is lovely - I can really empathise. There is a corner of our garden where our Bonnie & Judy lie ... we still remember them ...

Author's Reply:
Thank you - as I have written above, we have a very full cemetry in our garden -- and always remember them ...

Corin on 06-06-2010
Her Quiet Place
http://davidmturner.org/my-pics/crabs-paw.jpg

Crab the Dog says:-

"It's a dog's life
And we need only the one.
Cats may have nine
But that is because they
Are easily scared out of their skins.
Dogs are comfortable in theirs.
We run and play and love and sleep
To the full.
'After the first death,
There is no other.'
The man who wrote that was Welsh
And had a collie too.
Goodbye Sheba,
Sleep well."

Beautifully written - here is mine to Crab's friend, Bobby the cat:-

http://www.creative-poems.com/poem.php?id=214030

Warm Wishes

David


Author's Reply:
Thanks David _ I'll follow your links after I finish my replies!

Eira

sunken on 06-06-2010
Her Quiet Place
Hello Capricorn. It's me, sunks. You might recognise me from one these westend flops - 'Annie get ya felt-tips' - 'Les miserable bastards' or 'Abba Daba Doo (a flinstones based musical based around the songs of 70's pop sensation, Abba). Ahem. I too could emphasise with your poem. At the bottom of my garden lays a dead poodle. I really must bury him some day. Only joking. Sorry, I tend to joke about death. It's a defence mechanism. My gran was the same. She's dead too. You'll be happy to note, however, that she isn't at the bottom of my garden... This comment could possibly win me the Ukauthors Bad Taste Comment of the Year Award 2010. Keep ya fingers crossed for me yeah? I'll shut up now and slap a Bernard on you. Well done. Apologies for the comment. Feel free to report me. I would. I'm a disgrace! Thank you.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
LOL! Sunken - what are you on? Fresh air did you say?
Keep coming back - I need a laugh!

Eira


Comfort Thoughts (posted on: 31-05-10)
This is a rewrite of a sonnet I wrote after my father died some years ago.

Vermilion roses rest in ivory carnations, tenderly entwined with grief. I place this meagre gift in memory of you - my stalwart. Stunned with disbelief, foundations fold. I struggle to compose internal tremors, close outpouring eyes and kneel on turf that blankets your repose. Despair subsides because I realise you've not abandoned me but still uphold collapsing structures, like a cornerstone. Your presence tarries, sturdy walls enfold my emptiness. Although I came alone, your solace wreathes me, while we walk away together – leaving only this bouquet.
Archived comments for Comfort Thoughts
e-griff on 31-05-2010
Comfort Thoughts
well-chosen words, carefully placed. good rhymes - not too simple, but clear. iambic pentameter throughout, with no glitches, bit of tasty enjambment, and overall - a meaningful poem! Bravo!

It could have been too sweet, it could have been too formulaic (I was worrying about those flowers at first), but it wasn't - it was 'just right' IMO - that's the way to write poetry.

If you chose to depart the sonnet ending couplet form, I think the omission of the word 'only' would be an interesting experiment ...

best, JohnG

Author's Reply:
Thanks John - so pleased you enjoyed this and I'm glad I revised it now. You would have thought the original 'too sweet' as that's why I revised.

I like your suggestion for the ending, but I hate diverting from form - however I might come back after months & change - who knows! LOL! I'm always tweaking my poetry.

Thanks Eira

pdemitchell on 31-05-2010
Comfort Thoughts
Hi Capricorn. I liked this poignant piece though normally when I see wraparound lines and full stops in the middle of lines, I usually run away as it's a device done to death by many 'established' poets but this is a wonderful and rare exception made possible by a strong pentameter and periods which read like commas and a powerful rhyming pattern which works well when read aloud. Well done! Mitch

Author's Reply:
Hello Mitch - I'm so pleased this worked for you. I know what you mean about wraparound lines and I rarely use them in FV, but find when I write in rhyme & meter it helps avoid that 'sing-song' effect that a lot of rhyming poems have.

Thanks for the rating too.
Eira

stormwolf on 31-05-2010
Comfort Thoughts
Simply stunning work. Well deserving of the nib. A favourite for me. I could so relate to all you wrote as well. I am just overcome ๐Ÿ˜‰
Alison x

Author's Reply:
Hi Alison - thank you so much for selecting this as 'Hot Story' and for your rating. You have given me such a boost as I haven't been writing so much recently and have spent some time revising old poems (this being one). This is the first time I've posted at UKA for sometime and it's been a pleasure to come back!

Thanks again
Eira x

sunken on 31-05-2010
Comfort Thoughts
It's written from the heart, and that's the best kinda poetry. Technicalities shouldn't even come into it, in my sunky opinion. Well done on the nib and welcome to Uka. Please don't worry about Alison being 'over cum'. Ahem. I don't know what's got into her lately... I should re-phrase that.

s
u
n
k
e
n



Author's Reply:
Thanks Sunken (and Bernard) Yes I have read Alison's latest poem!! LOL!

Eira

sunken on 01-06-2010
Comfort Thoughts
Ahem. I see you've been a member longer than I have, Capricorn. Sorry, I thought you were a newbie. I really should stop thinking. It always leads to trouble.

s
u
n
k
e
n

the breakdown ball was cancelled due to mental fatigue

Author's Reply:
No need to apologise I am kind of a newbie as I haven't been here for some time - so thanks for the welcome (back!)
Eira

deceefoulkes on 03-06-2010
Comfort Thoughts
This really resonated with me since I lost my mother a few years ago, and I felt I understood alot of the meaning. I loved everything about and was moved by your words

Blessings

Author's Reply:
I'm glad my words have touched you. I lost my father and mother within a couple of years and my emotions have sparked a number of poems, which I will submit here in time.
Take care
Eira

RussianDoll on 06-06-2010
Comfort Thoughts
Wow, this is so accomplished and complete. Well done.

Author's Reply:
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Eira


Grief's Monster (two) (posted on: 14-04-06)
This was written after my mother died just before Xmas. I wrote it using the same format as Grief's Monster (one) written about my father. I hope the 2 poems show the differences between the two losses.

Dearest Mam, My spirit was stunned, when you slipped into darkness yet I knew you were beckoned towards the light, reunited with loved ones. I'm glad Death's clock waited for me to say goodbye. For years grief has gnawed deep inside my core; this is the monster's ultimate bite. Death has rescued you from the depths of Alzheimer's abyss. My head spins with memories: our last walk, the hugs we shared my final whispers by your bed. I love you Mam and miss you.
Archived comments for Grief's Monster (two)
Jolen on 14-04-2006
Griefs Monster (two)
Hi,
I haven't read part one, but I shall have too. I think your mother is smiling over you for this one. A fine tribute to her.
I do have a question.. Is 'towards'? I always believed it to only be used as 'toward' hmmmm Anyway, a fine poem.

blessings and Happy Easter.
Jolen

Author's Reply:
Thanks for reading and your nice comment Jolen ~ sorry I'm a bit late replying.

You are right about 'toward' ~ now that's a mistake I often make. Thanks for pointing out.

Hope you had a nce Easter.
Love Eira

Romany on 16-04-2006
Griefs Monster (two)
My condolences Capricorn; a loving poem that is fullof your obvious care for your mother. I intend to go and read part one now, and then will comment again.

Romany.

Author's Reply:

Romany on 16-04-2006
Griefs Monster (two)
Just read it, and the difference is obvious. I am so glad that you had a chance to say goodbye to your mother (I know how it can hurt not being able to) and am so sorry that you were unable to do so with your father. I am sure though, given the depth of your love for him, that in his heart he already knew all that you wanted to say to him and felt for him. Love is such a powerful force.

Kind regards,

Romany.

Author's Reply:
Hi Romany

Thanks for reading both my poems ~ letters I suppose you'd call them. It was a shock when Dad died and I am thankful that I had seen him just a week before. I think I said goodbye to Mum long before she actually died, as the Alzheimer's took away the person she had been.

Thanks for your nice comments.

Love Eira

Jolen on 07-05-2006
Griefs Monster (two)
Oh Eira;

This just tugged my heartstrings so very much. A lovely poem.

blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:

eddiesolo on 27-04-2008
Griefs Monster (two)
What a wonderful write to your mum. I have been away fro sometime so a lot newish authors have now joined and I seem to be on catch up...I really thought this s good tribute.

Will read of your work.

Take care.

Si:-)



Author's Reply:
Thanks Si - like you I've not been around for sometime (I'm not so new) Thanks for your thoughs.
Eira

eddiesolo on 27-04-2008
Griefs Monster (two)
Sorry, just noticed that you're not a newbie lol.

Must have missed you all those years, again sorry.

Still a fine piece.

Si:-)





Author's Reply:
Hello again - it's hard to catch up LOL! I vaguely remember you - but time does things to the mind. It's good to meet you .... again!!

Eira


The Nestling (posted on: 17-03-06)
This poem is based on a true story

The Nestling She gasps as the featherless bird tumbles from its lofty home, lying breathless in the yard. Her thoughts fly back … He arrived quietly on the first floor, maternity wing entwined in his lifeline, gift wrapped in a National Health blanket, then rushed away. She cradles the nestling, humming a lullaby. She ached to nestle her son; gaze on the one who kicked and turned inside her -- sing a lament, say goodbye. Without ritual, he was laid to rest in a coffin shared by a stranger, -- burial place, undisclosed. A roost of memories is stored in the attic: the unused crib a soft white shawl that never feathered his sleeping body. She hears the mother bird chirp in her lifeless nest, and grief's vulture swoops feeding fiercely again. Tears had flowed for forty years. She digs a grave under the sycamore that hugs the nest in its branches, shrouding the fragile form in a scrap of linen, then buries it in an egg box coffin. The memorial -- a scattering of poppy seeds. When buds bloom, crumpled crimson, she celebrates, humanity now embraces infant demise, but still yearns to know… what he looked like and where he lies now.
Archived comments for The Nestling
Romany on 17-03-2006
The Nestling
How sad. The burial of the bird as a symbolic burial of the infant is a very clever device. I especially liked the 'roost of memories' verse.
Romany.

Author's Reply:
Hi Romany ~ thanks for reading, glad you liked this.
Eira

Bradene on 17-03-2006
The Nestling
This is so beautifully written and so close to the truth, you obviously know ... An ache that never goes away, May I copy and paste this to include on my friends page of my website please? Love Val x

Author's Reply:
Hi Val ~ I would be honoured to be included on your friends page. Thanks. Love Eira x

ruadh on 17-03-2006
The Nestling
Some things never leave you, the fifth verse says it all. Beautifully done.

ailsa

Author's Reply:
Hi Ailsa ~ thanks for your kind words.
Eira

teifii on 18-03-2006
The Nestling
Very beautiful, rings utterly true and well crafted too.
Daff

Author's Reply:
Thanks Daff ~ much appreciated.
Eira

Emerald on 18-03-2006
The Nestling
This made me feel so sad - those memories and longings stay forever in a heart;

Emma:-)

Author's Reply:
Hi Emma ~ Never forgotten. Thanks.
Eira


Escape From Routine (posted on: 10-03-06)
Remember that day off --

Escape from Routine The bay shimmers in a heat-haze; a breeze barely murmurs. Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed and wafts of fish from caf้ grills. Dolphin decorated towels are scattered between beach-chairs, as lotion is spread to roast virgin white bodies. People crowd the ocean, bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt. The sea hums in undulation to children's excited squeals that harmonize seagulls screeches. I become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles, in a plastic bucket. As the tide gushes froth across scorching sand, I tread on sea-grass and giggle, as tiddler's fins tickle toes. I soak in the ambiance, before the journey home. The washer hums its constant rhythm to children's whispers, while they make shell pictures and paint pebble paper weights for Christmas presents. I reminisce and smile softly as the aroma of fish fingers cooking mingles with sea-weed candles.
Archived comments for Escape From Routine
Jen_Christabel on 11-03-2006
Escape From Routine
Some nice imagery in this. Take me away......
Nice read
Jennifer :o)

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 12-03-2006
Escape From Routine
Jen ... Glad this worked for you and thanx for your comment.

Author's Reply:


The Poem Bee (posted on: 13-05-05)
This is written in huitain form ( aabaabcc)

A Revision He swoops among the flower beds extracting nectar from their heads; ambrosia to feed my muse. Then through my empty cells he spreads sweet inspiration that is fed to blossom into vibrant hues. Inert imagination grows until the sweetest honey flows. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It swoops among the flower beds extracting nectar from their heads to stimulate my dormant muse, then hums inside my hive and spreads the inspiration to be fed across my page with vibrant hues. My sweet imagination grows; eventually a poem flows.
Archived comments for The Poem Bee
Kat on 2005-05-13 09:03:08
Re: The Poem Bee
Love the title and a wonderful metaphor to have used - enjoyed your 'huitain' very much.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

royrodel on 2005-05-15 03:27:26
Re: The Poem Bee
Don't know what huitain is, but the subject and how it is displayed is wonderful.

RODEL

Author's Reply:

tai on 2005-05-16 11:58:23
Re: The Poem Bee
Love the title Capricorn and the poem is most inspiring.

10 from me

All the best

Tai

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-05-20 02:07:56
Re: The Poem Bee
Thanks Tai -- you always make me feel good! ~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-05-20 02:09:00
Re: The Poem Bee
Thanks Kat -- so glad you enjoyed it!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-05-20 02:10:24
Re: The Poem Bee
Thank you Roy -- I'm glad you think so.

Author's Reply:

Macjoyce on 14-10-2007
The Poem Bee
The poem bee a very good one, Capricorn. The second version is a big improvement. And you use metre better than most.

Buzz,

Macaroon


Author's Reply:


Consequences (posted on: 29-04-05)
This is an account of what happened outside my window.

A burst of raucous anger
screeches through
half-open windows.
I scramble to peek
at the commotion.

Crazily, crows swoop
on a solitary crane;
orange beaks peck him,
as he perches
on the summit of a spruce
-- a Christmas angel.

He lingers,
swaying on the branch
-- like a child's ride.

A peril presses into my mind
-- this predator may feed
on precious fish from ponds.

But spreading enormous wings
he screens the sun and zooms
into the blue -- soon a distant dot.

Hush --
hear sweet twitters
of sparrows on the grass.

I spy twin nests, nearby,
embraced by poplars' endless arms;
the cacophony was stirred
by crows maternal instinct.

Contentment is the consequence:
baby crows no longer cry;
my fish swim secure

-- for another day.


Archived comments for Consequences
Bradene on 2005-04-29 13:10:01
Re: Consequences
I enjoyed this poem, watching the birds from my window is always a welcome distraction for me too. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

Jolen on 2005-04-30 16:36:36
Re: Consequences
I love to watch the birds go about their lives daily with little regard for our precious posessions. They are lovely and living..... Much like your poem.
blessings,
Jolen

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-05-01 00:44:21
Re: Consequences
I love watching the wildlife in the garden. I feel I'm living in the country -- but I'm not. Thanks for commenting. I hope you are feeling a bit better.

Hugs Snow

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-05-01 00:46:59
Re: Consequences
Thank you Jolen. It gives me graet pleasure to see what goes on in the garden ( except when the slugs get eating my plants). Nice to see you enjoy these things too.

Snow

Author's Reply:


Springtime Samba (posted on: 22-04-05)
Written in huitain form comprising of aabaabcc rhyme sceme.

Come join the Springtime samba; see
the twigs expand, buds bursting free.
Your rhythmic steps will quickly travel
over meadows to the sea.
Now Winter's gone be filled with glee
and dance as vernal joys unravel.
Move your body with the beat;
enjoy the strength of springtime heat.

Archived comments for Springtime Samba
RoyBateman on 2005-04-22 12:34:21
Re: Springtime Samba
Very clever! This isn'r a form I'm too familiar with, but clearly you are - brought a welcome smile to my face.

Author's Reply:

Planck on 2005-04-23 03:43:26
Re: Springtime Samba
This is really good. The best poem I've read out of all the ones submitted today, I reckon.

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2005-04-23 11:24:19
Re: Springtime Samba
I enjoyed, haven't heard of this form before.

Emma:-)

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-23 23:40:29
Re: Springtime Samba
Hi Emma

I've only reccently learned this form and have become addicted! -- glad you enjoyed

Snow

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-23 23:42:02
Re: Springtime Samba
Hi Roy

I'm so glad this brought a smile to your face. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Snow

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-23 23:43:02
Re: Springtime Samba
Wow! -- what a lovely comment. Thank you so much!

Snow

Author's Reply:


Cleansing Waterfall (posted on: 15-04-05)
I wrote this a few years ago when I felt very depressed.

My deepest layer's mangled, strife has struck me `til I'm bruised. Depression's grime surrounds my life; emotions are confused. When angry wounds discharge their dirt it over whelms my heart; bacteria spreads and causes hurt while life is torn apart. I long to lift my sagging mood, discard the gagging dust. I imitate a smile and brood on life, until I'm thrust in days' demise, where light is dim. I pine for inner peace, my cup is filled up to the brim and yearns to feel release. Disguised beneath convention's cloak I wear a smile that gleams, to shroud the dust that makes me choke as my whole being screams. This tension fills my days without a chance of some repose; then pressure bursts and starts to spill as melancholy flows -- in waterfalls of soothing tears that bathe dim sighted eyes. My spirit lifts as light appears; I cast off my disguise. Yet this finale's not ideal; while cleansing will ensure relief, the scabs remain to heal -- but time's caress will cure.
Archived comments for Cleansing Waterfall
pencilcase on 2005-04-17 01:45:57
Re: Cleansing Waterfall
Hi Cap - i think there's a lot of work in this previously un-commented on poem. I think it's a great effort that could be improved on (don't ask me how right now cos it's late!) but there is quality there. i particularly like...

Disguised beneath convention’s cloak
I wear a smile that gleams,
to shroud the dust that makes me choke
as my whole being screams

Someone who is very close to me once received advice from his GP that you can't put on a brave face all the time and that you should tell those important to you about what's going on. And i have it on good authority that this helped a great deal.

Good ending, I feel, because it does indeed take time. I recommend taking a look at Jeff Dray's recent journals.

As i say, very worthy poem that ought to attract more reads and comments.

Steve

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2005-04-17 15:08:37
Re: Cleansing Waterfall
This is so well-written and full of craft. The rhythm is perfectly maintained and you describe those feelings of depression so well. Really excellent work Capricorn!

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-18 00:50:40
Re: Cleansing Waterfall
Hi Steve

Thank you for your very encouraging comments. You say you think it could be improved on -- well I'm glad you said that 'cos getting it out again has inspired me to revise parts of it. I do revise my work a lot before I feel satisfied.

I do agree that you need someone to share your problems and feelings with. Talking things over helps tremendously. I'll take a look at jeff's journals.

Unfortunately I never seem to attract many comments -- could be that I haven't been on the forums for quite a while. People probably don't know me. LOL!

Thanks again.

Snow

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-18 00:52:26
Re: Cleansing Waterfall
Thanks Kat -- you are always so encouraging. I am revising a few parts of this, so I hope it doesn't spoil it LOL!

Snow

Author's Reply:

tai on 2005-04-18 01:14:17
Re: Cleansing Waterfall
Hi Capricorn, the only reason I gave this a 9, is because you seem to think it needs more work. I loved the flow of it myself. And I also much prefer the original first verse. Sorry if this isn't helpful, it's your poem of course.

I loved it

Tai

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-18 09:52:44
Re: Cleansing Waterfall
Hello Tai

Thank you for your encouraging remarks. I have got up this morning and seen this in a different light ( as often happens -- LOL!!) and don't like my revised 1st verse now, so I was very happy to read your comment ~smile~ I've deleted the revision and will put it on hold as comments seem to be positive for the original anyway.

Thanks -- as always-- for your encouragement.

Snow

Author's Reply:


The Lover's Locket (posted on: 08-04-05)
This is about my Grandparents.

They clung in passion -- long embraces,
sadly kissed goodbye while tears
of desperation stained their faces;
coming battles fuelled their fears.
He wore her gift against his chest
amidst the trench-filled battle zones.
She soldiered on, although depressed;
his destination was unknown.

The lucky bean-shaped locket hung
upon it's chain, beneath his shirt.
A sudden burst of bullets stunned
him, threw him down -- almost unhurt.
One bullet nearly killed him, struck
him near his heart but hit the charm
and ricocheted -- a stroke of luck.
Her love had kept him safe from harm.

The treasured locket's kept inside
my `reminiscence box' today,
inherited with heart-felt pride
when my dear father passed away.
His parents lived this touching tale
of love, the seedling family tree;
their golden heirloom still prevails --
a keepsake genealogy.


Archived comments for The Lover's Locket
Kat on 2005-04-09 03:18:12
Re: The Lover's Locket
A lovely poem and tale, Capricorn. It's great to inherit such 'priceless' heirlooms.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2005-04-09 10:00:26
Re: The Lover's Locket
A really heartwarming poem of love.

Emma:-)

Author's Reply:

RoyBateman on 2005-04-09 17:20:40
Re: The Lover's Locket
Written with great, and obvious, warmth and affection. A whole life in a tiny keepsake - something to be handed down and treasured. A lesson we should all learn!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-10 16:36:05
Re: The Lover's Locket
Thanks Kat -- it does feel good!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-10 16:37:21
Re: The Lover's Locket
Thanks Emma -- glad you enjoyed.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-10 16:38:57
Re: The Lover's Locket
Thanks Roy -- I do feel very proud to be part of this story, and treasure the locket.

Author's Reply:

Claire on 2005-04-10 23:02:18
Re: The Lover's Locket
This poem is a lovely keepsake too. Enjoyed this with a passion. ;^)

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2005-04-10 23:12:48
Re: The Lover's Locket
what a wonderful story and a fantastic heirloom to be proud of. I love the way you told it. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

pencilcase on 2005-04-11 01:26:57
Re: The Lover's Locket
Cap - good story related in a well-written poem that deserves far more reads.

Steve

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-12 00:22:28
Re: The Lover's Locket
Yes -- someone suggested I keep a copy of this poem in my reminiscence box too -- nice idea.

Thanks for reading -- glad you enjoyed it.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-12 00:25:23
Re: The Lover's Locket
Thanks Val -- I am really proud of it. i remember my grandad telling me the tale when I was just a little girl.
Glad you enjoyed.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-12 00:26:40
Re: The Lover's Locket
Hi Steve

Thank you so much for the compliment.

Author's Reply:

tai on 2005-04-12 00:44:00
Re: The Lover's Locket
Hi Capricorn, I missed this beautiful poem earlier in the month. Glad I found it here tonight.

They passed on more in the last line I am sure.

love is all, and when you have it miracles do happen.

10 from me

All the best

Tai



Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-12 01:00:27
Re: The Lover's Locket
Hello Tai

Thanks for the rating and your lovely comments. it's the kind of tale you see in films really -- I feel so proud! yes love can create miracles, I'm sure.


Author's Reply:

shangri-la on 2005-04-12 13:08:20
Re: The Lover's Locket
This is beautifully told, what a wonderful heartwarming story and such a special keepsake to treasure.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-12 15:39:07
Re: The Lover's Locket
Thanks shangrii-la -- it does make me feel kinda special.

Author's Reply:


Fledgling Feathers (posted on: 01-04-05)
Life changes!

My lithe eagle glides circling across the sky, yet beneath fully fledged wings hides a vulnerable nestling, hovering near me to smooth storm-blown plumes. His new aerie accommodates a diverse array of feathers fitting for all flights in life. At night he grooms plumage to show-off, like a peacock struts to attract hens. By day he soars as the swallows travailing incessantly for achievements. His journeys demand an abundance of perception, to ripen and bloom, to attain sapience like the owl. Swooping back to this tribal tree, his self sufficiency bruises my maternal ego. When he wings away, I gaze through a haze of melancholy puffing out my breast with pride.
Archived comments for Fledgling Feathers
Kat on 2005-04-01 23:54:13
Re: Fledgling Feathers
Really enjoyed reading this - great work!

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-04 00:15:25
Re: Fledgling Feathers
Thanks Kat!

Author's Reply:

shangri-la on 2005-04-04 13:29:39
Re: Fledgling Feathers
I loved this, especially

'Swooping back to this tribal tree, his self sufficiency bruises my maternal ego.'

Brilliant line and how a lot of mothers feel I think, not just the feathered kind.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-07 15:30:32
Re: Fledgling Feathers
That's true -- it's just how I feel about my son (who inspired this poem)

Thanks for reading and commmenting.

Author's Reply:


Captive Bred (posted on: 18-03-05)
Something to ponder on.

Wide-eyed, we wonder
with fascination
as beasts pace
inside their cages.
Lush jungles were swapped
for replicated grassland
surrounded by concrete.

New birthrights ensure
captive bred creatures
never go hungry
or prowl for prey
No predator will stalk
to devour them,
ripping flesh from bones.

Their unique beauty remains
photographed, painted
-- exhibited behind bars.
Archived comments for Captive Bred
tai on 2005-03-18 11:07:24
Re: Captive Bred
I refuse to take my kids to Zoo's. The sight of a captive wild animal is a pitious one, and makes my heart bleed. A thought provoking poem indeed.

I gave it a 10

Well done

Tai

Author's Reply:

KevTheRev on 2005-03-20 16:51:35
Re: Captive Bred
Its become normality, and that is the sadness. I grew up in S.Africa, and knew wildlife in its true form. A often reflect back to my childhood and compare the sadness of animals in zoo's today.

Why have so few read your poem, or even commented? I feel that this poem has comments to offer and views to be shared.

It seems that here a pack runs, and shuns.

Regards

Kevin

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-21 01:36:32
Re: Captive Bred
Thanks Tai -- this is a subject I have been giving a lot of thought to reccently. Good to hear your views.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-21 01:43:26
Re: Captive Bred
Thanks Kev -- how I would love to see these animals in their natural environment. A splendid sight I'm sure. It would be nice to hear other people's views -- truth is I don't get that many comments on my work.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-21 01:43:27
Re: Captive Bred
Thanks Kev -- how I would love to see these animals in their natural environment. A splendid sight I'm sure. It would be nice to hear other people's views -- truth is I don't get that many comments on my work.

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2005-03-21 06:45:51
Re: Captive Bred
A great poem!

I also feel very uncomfortable around zoos, though many can be applauded for their efforts to educate and help to promote preservation, with the best being those that manage to replicate the natural habitats as far as possible.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-22 00:40:57
Re: Captive Bred
Hi Kat
Thanks for reading and offering your comments. I have to agree that zoos are much better than they used to be and the wild life parks we have are much nearer to natural environment. However, I am still haunted by a the sight of a bear I saw a few years ago -- pacing round his enclosure. A terrible sight!

Author's Reply:

mynci on 2005-03-24 13:29:41
Re: Captive Bred
definately somethng to ponder. Well done

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-04-07 15:33:48
Re: Captive Bred
Hi mynci -- I'm sorry to be a bit late answering your reply, but I've only just noticed it. Thank you so much for reading this -- and giving it some thought.

Author's Reply:


Cold-blooded Love (posted on: 04-03-05)
Can you guess which animal?

Rippling her slender shape in sensuous rhythm, she slipped off her translucent garment -- left it draped across the floor. They imbibed the contents of the goblet and felt refreshed, yet filled with hunger. Her eyes gleamed like black beads, as she gazed with anticipation. He nuzzled her silky flesh feeling his fervour rise. Their supple muscles trembled, moving in symmetry -- a stimulating foreplay. Aroused, they slowly entwined, instinctively dovetailing, as their mating ritual reached its climax. Fulfilled -- their bodies coiled closely in contentment.
Archived comments for Cold-blooded Love
Macjoyce on 10-01-2008
Cold-blooded Love
Snake.

Author's Reply:


Overflow (posted on: 25-02-05)
Another way of looking at a thunder storm.

When melancholy swells the clouds they slump engorged, across the blues. A blanket of despair enshrouds the troubled skies as sunrays snooze. This sadness signals overflow. A vivid flicker forks, to flash then silhouette the scene below. The drum beats roll and cymbals clash. The cumuli expand to burst in drenching tears. A deluge pours on sun-dried earth to quench her thirst. Collapsing flora soon restores. Then sunbeams finger through the rains, rejuvenated after sleep. As life recovers, hope remains. The lightened clouds no longer weep.
Archived comments for Overflow
whitesprite on 2005-02-25 22:05:39
Re: Overflow
Like the poem - but I though a sonnet had only 14 lines? ws

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-26 01:49:01
Re: Overflow
Ooops! --thanks for noticing. This one did start off as a sonnet, but I got carried away on the last stannza. LoL!!

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2005-02-26 14:11:04
Re: Overflow
I really loved this beautiful descriptive poem.

Emma:-)

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 2005-02-26 21:19:35
Re: Overflow
Lol, well I have no idea about the ins and outs of sonnets. I do know that this is a blindingly impressive write though. Can't really find a bad line in it. It's official, you make me sick (-;

s
u
n
k
e
n

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2005-02-27 12:17:05
Re: Overflow
What beautiful writing - super sonics!

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

tai on 2005-02-27 13:42:57
Re: Overflow
Hi capricorn, I love the title, it says it all. A great read and I love the positive ending.

All the best

Tai

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-02 02:09:38
Re: Overflow
Thanks Tai -- I like to have a positive ending if I can. Thanks for reading and the rating

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-02 02:11:12
Re: Overflow
Thanks Kat ~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-02 02:13:32
Re: Overflow
LoL! -- thanks for the compliment Sunken and the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-02 02:15:05
Re: Overflow
Hi Emma -- glad you enjoyed this and thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-03-02 02:16:33
Re: Overflow
Hi -- I'm back again Sunken. I forgot to mention this one did take about 6 revisions to get it right.

Author's Reply:


Despised (posted on: 18-02-05)
Some thoughts to consider


My sinuous form strikes horror
in man's heart, yet I won't bite
unless he threatens.
I fear his powerful physique
and slide away to shelter
in the shadows safe embrace
-- preferring privacy.

Without paws I pounce on prey
devouring it whole; a vision
that revolts man's sensitivity,
his food has been prepared
-- to eat with dignity.

Through ancestral sin I lack limbs
and glide along the ground,
my body smooth as silk -- not slimy;
yet I am despised.

Perhaps this stems from Eden's Garden
where my family foliage has deep roots.
Genetic trunks can carry disease,
but I am new growth -- like man.

Archived comments for Despised
blackdove on 2005-02-19 03:13:03
Re: Despised
Men or snakes - what a choice.
Yes, you made me consider and I think I just about prefer men -just about!
enjoyed the thoughts!

Author's Reply:

tai on 2005-02-19 08:26:13
Re: Despised
Hi capricorn. I read a rising tide of woman, within this poem. To me, it is one of our greatest challenges to learn to live with each other, in equality and harmony.lol We do have a long way to go though. Probably way off your mark, but that's poetry for you!

Tai

Author's Reply:

Mehitable on 2005-02-20 02:01:48
Re: Despised
Very interesting and thought provoking poem! I won't say I'm a snake lover but between snakes and man I'd say that we're the more despicable.
x Mehitable

Author's Reply:

Zydha on 2005-02-20 13:38:12
Re: Despised
What a wonderfully original thought on special creation, Capricorn, and as you so rightly say..."Won't bite unless threatened"! Well, that leaves man in second place.

I really enjoyed reading this poem, Zydha

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2005-02-21 12:03:05
Re: Despised
I enjoyed this thought-provoking poem very much.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

KevTheRev on 2005-02-21 18:49:08
Re: Despised
Like the metaphor, but a wee bit offensive, black widow!

Regards

A Man. ๐Ÿ˜‰


Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-22 10:09:37
Re: Despised
Glad this one got you thinking. Thanks for the rating too.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-22 10:11:32
Re: Despised
Tai --Oh I love your interpretation here ~smile~ Thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-22 10:13:19
Re: Despised
Yes man is a very fearsome predator ~ smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-22 10:14:56
Re: Despised
Thanks for the rating ~ I think man often comes in second place.~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-22 10:16:15
Re: Despised
Hi kat --glad to hear this one got you thinking

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-22 10:19:01
Re: Despised
LOL! --I suppose I should ammend this to `MANKIND' -- no offense intended.

Thanks for the rating

Author's Reply:


Candy Clouds (posted on: 11-02-05)
A sonnet

Imagine if the clouds were giant marsh-mallow pictues in the sky.


A shoal of ghostly fishes slowly float
along the azure ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles. A washed-out boat
pursues the quaint parade. With eager haste,
a giant hamster darts across the blue.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Sapphire Kingdom, or the kangaroo
that leapt upon a candied counterpane.

Who gobbles up the fluffy mallow clouds?
The topaz ruler of the skies will know.
He watches all their antics, looking proud,
upon a plumped-up pillow -- face aglow.

He toasts the changing pictures cruising by;
his fiery arms outstretched across the sky.

Archived comments for Candy Clouds
dogfrog on 2005-02-11 23:34:46
Re: Candy Clouds
I haven't dropped acid for some years and your poem has reminded me that a repeat performance is long overdue.
Some great rhymes and your poem has a hamster (big points here) and a kangaroo. It kind of reminds me of playing Super Mario.

I like lots.

df

Author's Reply:

dogfrog on 2005-02-11 23:35:47
Re: Candy Clouds
Sorry forgot to say that somehow the sonnet form fits the surreal beautifully.

df

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2005-02-12 15:47:17
Re: Candy Clouds
Hi Capricorn

I did like this, particularly the quatrain and final couplet.

Cheers

Kat

Author's Reply:

pencilcase on 2005-02-13 01:14:14
Re: Candy Clouds
Interesting how the imagination can be let loose by unconnected interpretations of cloud formations. Crocodiles, boats, hamsters, kangaroos...it just doesn't matter to have any context restricting you. Good! Nicely written and interesting too how the use of such an established form somehow provides the reference point for a surrealist journey.

Wouldn't it be great if this approach could be adopted in weather forecasts?

Steve

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 2005-02-13 21:55:44
Re: Candy Clouds
Ahhh young Capricorn. I once lay on the grass in my dead Gran's garden with a girl named Emily. We talked of futures that spread before us like the clouds that painted the sky in spoil-sport black. Not for us the futile burning of sacred skin beneath a sun that shows contempt in the forms of hostile shadows. Oh no.... where was I going with this? I imagine Brighton, but it may have been Gateshead. I knew a girl in Gateshead once. We drank beer in my dead Uncle's potting shed and talked of hovering. It seemed ridiculous to us that lawn mowers were afforded the the luxury of hovering whilst we stayed committed to the natural laws of physics. Conforming, as we did, with a law called gravity was to eventually be our downfall. She now resides beneath the patio of my dead Aunts bungalow. Not for her the gravitational pull of a staircase. All these things and more have led me to believe that I know not what I am on about. It is with a heavy heart therefore that I must pass comment. I shall however vote. Maybe this will show some form of tangible expression that thus far this comment has failed to deliver. How I long to be in the arms of Emily beneath sullen skies. I miss my dead Gran. The council insisted on taking her away as she was deemed a health hazard. I fail to see the problems related to storing a dead relative next to canned food? Killjoys!

s
u
n
k
e
n

on toast

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-14 10:44:20
Re: Candy Clouds
Hi dogfrog

Super Mario -- I like that idea. it's been a while since I watched my son play that game.

Cap

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-14 10:45:07
Re: Candy Clouds
Glad you thought so df

Cap

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-14 10:46:24
Re: Candy Clouds
Hi Kat

Glad you like it ~smile~

Cap

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-14 10:49:45
Re: Candy Clouds
Hi Steve

I would love it if the weather forecast showed more imagination ~ haha!! ~
I thought it was a bit risky writing this in sonnet form, but it seems to have turned out ok. Thanks for your comments.

Cap

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-14 10:56:51
Re: Candy Clouds
Hey Sunken --LOL! -- I'm still trying to make sense of your comment. I gather you have quite a few dead relatives though.
I am grateful for the rating, which I presume shows that you enjoyed this picture of the sky.
I also liked you calling me `young' Capricorn -- ha ha!! I daresay I'm old enough to be your mother! -- but flattery does me good.

Cap

Author's Reply:


The Starlings Sang (posted on: 04-02-05)
Death brings back all kinds of memories.

I gazed at her slender form and fair freckled face, feeling smitten, but not fooled by an innocent appearance. A feisty female lurked beneath, unafraid to fight the girls away from her possessions. Flirting with the guys, virginity was soon lost and motherhood became instinctive. Passionately pursued by two suitors, one was her rival's son -- a toy boy. The tree of life has been uprooted, it's family foliage a profusion of blooms. Toy boy's moved to her flat, but her spirit surely romps in paradise, with her first love -- a real soul-mate. Shrouded in kitchen roll, her frail corpse was gently laid in an empty soup box. Beneath the mock orange tree, I dug deep, where the worms and woodlice had prepared the soil for her tomb. The cardboard coffin was lowered into the earth as a choir of starlings sang a lament -- but was that a fitting funeral, for little Lizzie Lulu -- my very first Leopard Gecko?
Archived comments for The Starlings Sang
Hazy on 2005-02-04 11:46:30
Re: The Starlings Sang
Oh God, that's just too sad ๐Ÿ™

I remember my poor little hamster, Marigold, dying in my hand (I was about 24!) and my bf (at the time) and I buried her in the forest. God I was upset ๐Ÿ™ I won't even go on about the dogs and cats throughout my life. I like the 'twist'.

Hazy, bawling x

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-05 23:54:02
Re: The Starlings Sang
Hi Hazy

Glad you enjoyed the `twist' -- and thanks for the sympathy. yes these creatures do become friends and familt, don't they?
Poor little Marigold -- dying in your hand -- hoe heart wrenching! I too have lots of dogs that have gone. Better to have loved and lost, eh?



Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2005-02-06 12:10:49
Re: The Starlings Sang
I was surprised at the ending, I think you have done a spendid job here the death of a pet can be a shattering experience, You did it justice Love Val x

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2005-02-06 14:48:39
Re: The Starlings Sang
Really enjoyed this well-written and thoughtful poem.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

deepoceanfish2 on 2005-02-06 22:15:45
Re: The Starlings Sang
Capricorn,

This was very clever and touching. You had me going there for a while! As for those cardboard coffins....our garden was loaded with them. We had so many animal funerals, we should have been lisenced. A good read.

Regards,
Adele ๐Ÿ˜‰

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-07 00:26:20
Re: The Starlings Sang
Thanks Val -- a very sad day, but what memories!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-07 00:27:33
Re: The Starlings Sang
Thanks Val -- a very sad day, but what memories! Thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-07 00:29:08
Re: The Starlings Sang
Hi Kat -- glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-07 00:31:40
Re: The Starlings Sang
Hi Adele

Glad you appreciated the twist here. Yes, our garde is full of cardboard coffins too. haha!! Thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Pipj on 2005-02-07 13:10:02
Re: The Starlings Sang
Liked this a lot! Great twist in the tail (sorry!)

;o)

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-02-10 20:49:54
Re: The Starlings Sang
Thanks Pip ~ giggle~

Author's Reply:


Loaf of Life (posted on: 07-01-05)
My New Year's Resolution!



My loaf is stale,
left in the bread bin
far too long;
forgotten --
past its
`best before date'.

I'll get a fresh loaf
and spread
each slice
with the spice of life

-- and start to live!

Archived comments for Loaf of Life
Macjoyce on 10-01-2008
Loaf of Life
Wow! I never met anyone so excited about bread before.



Author's Reply:


Dream Waves (posted on: 31-12-04)
A Sonnet


As seas of slumber surge on me I drift
into a timeless world where hope prevails
and I'm oblivious to fiendish wails
that haunt my days. Depression starts to lift
as hostage thoughts untangle from my mind,
released to float away. The surf embalms
the pain of angry sores, while there is calm
from stressful storms. My consciousness unwinds
into a land of fantasy, where dreams
become reality. My wounds are cured
as I'm caressed with peace and rest assured
of quiet respite from my monster's screams.


When tides recede I feel refreshed to cope
with days dilemmas; life's renewed with hope.




Archived comments for Dream Waves
Michel on 2004-12-31 02:56:21
Re: Dream Waves
Like floating.

Author's Reply:

Bramwith22 on 2004-12-31 03:12:40
Re: Dream Waves
Capricorn,

A most ethereal read!

Regards,
Bram

Author's Reply:

deepoceanfish2 on 2004-12-31 11:57:35
Re: Dream Waves
Capricorn,

I agree with Bram: also a sultry and sureal read.

Regards,
Adele

Author's Reply:

Zydha on 2005-01-01 18:16:47
Re: Dream Waves
Peaceful escapism, Capricorn, a super sonnet, Zydha

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-01-01 19:22:45
Re: Dream Waves
Hi Adele

Thanks for your comments and the rating.
This is a revision of an old poem.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-01-01 19:24:08
Re: Dream Waves
Hi Michel

`Like floating' -- glad you felt it!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-01-01 19:25:36
Re: Dream Waves
Hi Bram

Thanks -- and for the rating!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-01-01 19:27:38
Re: Dream Waves
Hi Zydha

I'm glad this gave you `peace' -- thanks for the rating!

Author's Reply:

tai on 2005-01-02 08:41:25
Re: Dream Waves
Capricorn, A fine sonnet and so packed with wonderful imagery and hope.

All the best for 2005
Tai

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2005-01-06 19:05:10
Re: Dream Waves
Thanks Tai -- and for the rating.

Best wishes for 2005

Author's Reply:


The Dragon's Den (posted on: 26-11-04)
This was inspired by a documentary on child abuse.


His words resounded, startling
the dormant dragon as it dozed
-- half forgotten, inside her.

The reptile roused and exhaled
it's flames of raw memories,
that scorched her vulnerability
and blistered it's burial place
with fist clenching pain.

His caress -- a tender-hearted lotion
should have eased her weeping wounds,
but he could not see the agony
the creature had unleashed .

The monster's haunting roar echoed
with recollections and regrets;
it's fires bit deep into her secret cavern
searing her innocent smile away

She bravely fought with chimera's curse,
until her tears -- rivers of frenzy,
ruptured to douse the smouldering ashes.

The dragon obeyed and lay down.

The corners of her lips now lift,
though scars linger, for his caring heart
and the clock's arms to hug away.




Archived comments for The Dragon's Den
tai on 2004-11-27 07:23:35
Re: The Dragon's Den
A very sensitive poem, describing the hell of our hidden pain. Child abuse is a hell which if not exhumed with drive the holder quite insane.

Great poem

loved it

Tai

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2004-11-27 13:10:11
Re: The Dragon's Den
I thought this was very subtle in describing the insidious nature of abuse.

Emma:)

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-29 19:34:11
Re: The Dragon's Den
Thank you Tai -- I'm glad you appreciate this one and thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-29 19:36:42
Re: The Dragon's Den
Thanks for reading and commenting on this -- and for the rating.

Author's Reply:


Heaven's Kennel (posted on: 12-11-04)
My beautiful Border Collie died 3 years ago yesterday and this time of year I always look back on this poem I wrote at the time.

A revision I knelt beside you while the candle flared and plumped a pillow underneath your head, then rearranged your comfort blanket, spread to warm your waning flame. I was prepared to say farewell, when light grew faint. Your eyes were closed in sleep, but flickered when I stroked your weary head. I tried to speak, but choked on sputtered words, awaiting your demise. I kindled memories of youthful days -- our lives aglow with energetic zest. The candle dimmed to soothe your soul to rest. I said `Goodbye' and kissed you through a haze of biting sorrow, for your spark had gone. Your burnt out form remained; I blazed with grief. The candle waned as tears gave some relief. Outside the birds began to welcome dawn. In Heaven's Kennel you're a dazzling star; each year I reminisce by candle light and feel the poignancy of loss ignite, yet sense your shining essence from afar. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By candlelight I whispered my goodbye; reflected light prepared your soul to fly away. Old eyes, were closed, but sensed me near, the cool caress of Death aroused no fear. I plumped soft pillows underneath your head, and rearranged your comfort blanket, spread to warm your waning flame. With misty sight I kissed your weary head -- a pensive night. I spluttered words of love and touched your paw; your eyelids flickered. My vision saw a youthful glow of energetic zest; the light then swayed and soothed your soul to rest. Emotions blazed. I tore myself away from you; a spark that ebbed by break of day. The candle dimmed before the flare of dawn, your jaded spirit flew, and light was gone. As memories ignite the droplets fall. I blot the spill, reliving your recall to Heaven's Kennel, where your life will show a vibrant flame, as light forever glows.
Archived comments for Heaven's Kennel
uppercase on 2004-11-12 09:09:32
Re: Heaven's Kennel
When my dog died I almost lost my mind I couldn't make it through the day without crying, my eyes stayed red and swolen...Lovely Tribute...Erma

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-11-12 17:19:19
Re: Heaven's Kennel
A beautiful poem, a wonderfully touching tribute to a faithful friend. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

tai on 2004-11-13 06:29:25
Re: Heaven's Kennel
A very sweet tribute to man or womans best friend. A lovely read

Tai

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2004-11-14 05:07:32
Re: Heaven's Kennel
A Lovely tribute to your Border Collie - I always go to pieces when I lose a beloved pet. I have an Irish Setter, who is getting on years now - and to contemplate losing him, is something I dread.

Emma

Author's Reply:

royrodel on 2004-11-14 10:16:34
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Love is a bastard sometimes. I am loathing the day it's gonna happen to me.

RODEL

Author's Reply:

potleek on 2004-11-17 05:35:05
Re: Heaven's Kennel
We have lost so many dogs in different ways...thanks for the tears all over again..a very touching poem...Tony

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:08:58
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Dear Erma -- I do know just how you feel. Pets are one of the family, aren't they?

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:10:04
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Erma -- I forgot to thank you for your rating ~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:12:13
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Hi Emma -- Yes pets are so precious aren't they? Family members. Thanks for reading and for your rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:13:53
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Thanks Tai -- and thanks for the rating. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:15:09
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Thanks fot the rating Val and your lovely words.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:17:47
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Yes Roydel -- a bastard! We have pets -- love them dearly, then feel torn apart when they go. I try to remember all the good times now. Thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-22 04:19:16
Re: Heaven's Kennel
Hi Tony-- thanks for the rating. I'm glad you appreciated my words.

Author's Reply:


Overcome Those Gremlins (posted on: 05-11-04)
Have you got any gremlins in your life -- fears that you need to over come?
Well fight them now!

Those monsters haunt my castle and observe
me constantly, manipulating thoughts
induced by fear. Their mockery unnerves
my flimsy spirit, making me distraught.

When they're asleep, I bolt around to barricade
my fortress from those bullies and protect
my brickle brink. Once rested, they'll invade
sequestered thoughts and show me no respect.
Fatigued by being pestered, hearing shrieks
within, I pray for peace to end this strife.
When my defence is weak, they slyly sneak
into my mind and subjugate my life.

As sorrow's river flows, I realise
I must confront those gremlins now and fight
their evil ways. I'll take them by surprise
when they awake and see them quake with fright.
I don my armour; courage is my shield,
protecting me from spears, that pierce my soul.
My mental sword is sharpened for the fields
of battle; I'm prepared to take control.

I let the drawbridge down and hear their squalls
of war. They charge to overwhelm my mind.
I face them now, ignoring fearsome calls
and fight those creatures `til they're all confined.
I cast those Gremlins down into the deep
unfathomed dungeon of my mind and throw
away the key. Now if a straggler creeps
inside, I'll drown him in the moat below.
I'll dominate this castle as its Queen;
when problems flood my life I'll persevere,
confronting fearful horrors -- some unseen.
I'll fight each one and make them disappear.


Archived comments for Overcome Those Gremlins
Capricorn on 2004-11-05 18:48:42
Re: Overcome Those Gremlins
Thanks for the rating Tai

Author's Reply:

shadow on 2004-11-08 06:03:04
Re: Overcome Those Gremlins
Good poem, I liked the extended metaphor. Some choice phrases eg 'squalls of war'. Slightly puzzled by 'brickle brink' - did you mean 'brittle'?

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-11 07:39:43
Re: Overcome Those Gremlins
Hi Shadow

Glad you liked this one. Brickle does actually mean the same as brittle ( according to rhymezone.com ). I chose it for the `k' sound and thought it went well with `brink' -- only thing not many people are aware what it means, as I didn't til I wrote this.

Thanks for your interest

Author's Reply:


Footsteps (posted on: 29-10-04)
This is for my friend, who lost her dog Beauty last year. I have written it as if my friend is saying the words. She still misses her Beauty.

Your cherished photo gleams
on the mantle above the fire,
that flickers
with pictures in my mind.

Silence is broken
by the crackling coals
as flames blaze.

Hazy images
reflect my reminiscences
as shadows play
with lonely thoughts.

Memories ignite
and burn within my heart;
embers smoulder into ash
as grieving rivers flow.

Your memorial is the footpath
where youth ran
beneath the trees;
the turf was fondly dusted
with fragments of demise.

Your spirit was lifted up
to Canine Paradise,
-- your essence
still emanates my life.
When I retrace our footsteps
I sense a constant glow, as
Beauty shines.

Archived comments for Footsteps
tai on 2004-10-29 07:02:05
Re: Footsteps
An enjoyable read....a man/womans best friend....missed with feeling.

Tai

Author's Reply:

Gerry on 2004-10-29 08:44:59
Re: Footsteps
Been there many times--we have those pictures too. Beautifuly done...

Gerry.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-29 19:27:40
Re: Footsteps
Thanks the rating Tai -- glad you enjoyed,

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-29 19:29:15
Re: Footsteps
Yes Gerry -- I have my pictures too. Thanks for the rating and nice comment.

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2004-11-03 07:13:09
Re: Footsteps
A lovely poem.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-11-04 10:51:07
Re: Footsteps
Thanks Kat

Sorry I'm a bit late getting back here

Author's Reply:


Celestial Conversation (posted on: 22-10-04)
A sonnet

I spoke with Dad today at his new place,
Celestial city, resting home for folks
ascended from this realm to God's embrace.
We chatted for a while and shared a joke;
his sense of humour still abounds. I told
him Mum needs constant tending now, they say
Alzheimer's ties her mind, now she's grown old
-- but since she's moved, I'm tortured with dismay.

He said I must not fret, for she'll receive
the greatest care; we knew she'd not be cured.
This move was sure to come although I grieve
-- I've done my best and ought to rest assured.

These words of comfort buzzed around my head;
they were exactly what he would have said.

Archived comments for Celestial Conversation
tai on 2004-10-22 04:10:43
Re: Celestial Conversation
A sonnet to be proud of.

Nice work Capricorn

Tai

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-10-22 08:17:02
Re: Celestial Conversation
beautifully thought out sonnet. excellent. love Val x

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2004-10-23 16:47:26
Re: Celestial Conversation
I really enjoyed this - well done.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-24 11:08:25
Re: Celestial Conversation
Ah! thank you Tai -- and for the rating. ~ smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-24 11:09:58
Re: Celestial Conversation
Thanks Val -- I am having quite a few clestial conversations these days.

Thanks for the rating too~ smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-24 11:13:07
Re: Celestial Conversation
Hi Trevor ( my Dad's name ~smile~)

Thank you for your very lovely comments and for the rating.

Cap

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-24 11:15:30
Re: Celestial Conversation
Thanks Kat -- I'm glad you enjoyed this and thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Sabrina on 2004-10-28 15:18:49
Re: Celestial Conversation
I hadn't read your work recently, thought I'd drop by, my first reaction? "shit this is good, this hits me in the solar plexus.." I have the highest regard for your ability to assemble things and make them flow so easily, logically, like a sure stream of consciousness, adhering to rules but never being choked by them....my dad has passed on as well...I feel his words when I'm faced with a crisis....like my mother...Ciao bella, I will read some of your others...it is a rainy day and I have need...Love Sabrina

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-30 19:28:24
Re: Celestial Conversation
Thanks Sabrina -- your words have made my day. Thanks for the rating too. Yes -- it's surprising how many people have celestial conversations in times of crisis...helps keep your sanity. ~smile~
Hope you enjoy your read and it's good to see you again.

Love Capricorn

Author's Reply:


cleansing rivulets (posted on: 15-10-04)
A good cry can make you feel better -- time will do the rest.


tears can bathe the soul;
cleansing rivulets will heal,
wash life's dirt away.

deep scars may remain
where festering sores have burst;
time will overcome.

Archived comments for cleansing rivulets
tai on 2004-10-15 15:22:30
Re: cleansing rivulets
Capricorn, tears are the river of life. I like your poem very much.

Tai ed to life!


Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-10-15 15:38:12
Re: cleansing rivulets
Two great haiku With great wisdom Love val x

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:28:15
Re: cleansing rivulets
Hi Val

Thanks for your reply and rating. I think tears have kept me sane at times. xx

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:30:01
Re: cleansing rivulets
Hello Tai

`river of life' -- I like that thought. Thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:


Gift Wrapped (posted on: 15-10-04)
For my autistic son -- his birthday is on 15th October

God gave me a gift
-- a puzzle with
pieces out of place,
swathed in
layers of disarray.

Perception has
a large lake
hidden in your cave
yet words won't flow
from the river's mouth;
your voice babbles
like a brook.

Your smile sprinkles me
with vibrant tints.
My laugh is tickled by
your impish humour
that crinkles up my face.

My love for you is
a strong-linked chain.
I defend my cub
like a tigress.

Cast off those covers
for all to see,
buried beneath
autism's blankets
lies a unique individual.

I wonder why
God created me a riddle?
-- yet if you were moulded
into a different shape,
I would not have you
wrapped in my heart today.

Archived comments for Gift Wrapped
ritawrites on 2004-10-15 03:09:17
Re: Gift Wrapped
so beautiful! Give him a birthday kiss from me, won’t you?

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-15 03:59:49
Re: Gift Wrapped
Thanks Rita -- I'll certainly give him a birthday kiss from you. Thanks for the rating too.

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2004-10-15 05:30:27
Re: Gift Wrapped
A very beautiful message of love - Happy birthday!

Emma

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-10-15 05:43:04
Re: Gift Wrapped
This is a splendid poem worthy of a great read tag for sure (the mind can only boggle) however.. Gift wrapped is beautiful and only someone who knows the sadness and the great joys a special child can bring, can write a piece with such beauty and sensitivity. Great work. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

tai on 2004-10-15 09:19:50
Re: Gift Wrapped
Oh yes you would....you would have him wrapped in any way he came, that's mother natures, and loves game.

Happy birthday to your son

love
tai

Author's Reply:

Leila on 2004-10-15 17:07:51
Re: Gift Wrapped
This is very tender and expressive...L

Author's Reply:

pencilcase on 2004-10-16 09:23:47
Re: Gift Wrapped
A good expression. I have no doubt that you defend your cub like a tigress! And so you should.

I hope you both enjoyed his birthday.

steve

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-10-16 10:22:02
Re: Gift Wrapped
Lovely tribute to your child.....Erma

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:11:07
Re: Gift Wrapped
Thank you for your kind words Leila -- and thanks for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:13:38
Re: Gift Wrapped
Thanks Val and for the rating -- always good to hear from you

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:16:00
Re: Gift Wrapped
Thank you Emma for your good wishes -- and the rating.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:18:56
Re: Gift Wrapped
Hi Shywolf

I love the way you have put that -- and yes, I think I am a riddle to him too.


Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:21:36
Re: Gift Wrapped
Hi tai

You're right of course -- I would love him however he was made.

Thanks for the rating

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:24:04
Re: Gift Wrapped
Hi Erma -- thank you for you rating. I had to smile at `your child' -- he's now 28yrs old. Still my child though.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-16 19:25:42
Re: Gift Wrapped
Hi Steve

Thanks for your reply -- we did enjoy his birthday!

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2004-10-17 00:05:27
Re: Gift Wrapped
A great poem full of love, understanding and insight...

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-17 19:50:03
Re: Gift Wrapped
Thank you for your kind words Kat -- and thanks for the rating

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-17 19:52:12
Re: Gift Wrapped
Hi Trevor

Thanks for your very kind thoughts and for the rating.

Author's Reply:

Gerry on 2004-10-21 14:26:42
Re: Gift Wrapped
A lovely moving poem about the power of the heart.

Gerry xxx.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-21 18:26:03
Re: Gift Wrapped
Thanks Gerry -- and for the rating

Author's Reply:


Embraced by Hope (posted on: 08-10-04)
Photographs can stir up all sorts of thoughts and memories of the past

A dusty photo album lured me back
through time, unwinding reels of life once shoved
away; familiar faces were not cracked
by age and smiled upon the child they loved.


… wedged apart by their divorce ...


My father died, yet was bestowed new life
resuscitated by tremendous force,
then cherished by the love of his new wife.
Now many movies on, he's gone again,
invited on that one way ticket ride --
no time to hug or say goodbye; the pain
of grief engulfs me in bereavement's tide.


A monster munches up my mothers mind,
as she is kidnapped by Alzheimer's curse.
She's tied by memories that are entwined;
I mop up floods of strife as roles reverse.


When shrouded echoes are recalled, the past
engulfs my heart; full rivers swell their sides.
As childhood moments are refreshed with vast
kaleidoscopes of photographs and slides,
the brimming rivulets begin to spill.


… bygone years now tucked away ...


At times I struggle up a giant hill,
or melancholy tunnel tempts dismay
to reign; yet many lustrous lights still burn
in distant fields. With thoughts aglow I shun
the shadows and pursue those dreams I yearn --
embraced by hope, I gaze towards the sun.


Archived comments for Embraced by Hope
bluepootle on 2004-10-08 03:28:21
Re: Embraced by Hope
I love 'a monster munches up my mother's mind'. Great image.

Author's Reply:

Skeeter on 2004-10-08 09:25:32
Re: Embraced by Hope
this is lovely Capricorn, although sad it very much evokes a great deal of love and care, that people have for each other while here on earth; and it's that love and capacity to care for each other that to me cocks a snook at the vicissitudes we often face and shows that they will never defeat us. I love the last line, upbeat and positive. I hope you find your dreams.

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-10-08 09:38:25
Re: Embraced by Hope
I loved reading this poem there are some really vivid lines that bring the whole thing to life, you managed beautifully. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2004-10-08 14:32:20
Re: Embraced by Hope
This is wonderful writing - photographs do bring back such memories. I really related to this piece.

Emma

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-09 17:47:40
Re: Embraced by Hope
Hi bluepootle

Glad you liked the image -- I felt it was very apropriate.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-09 17:51:14
Re: Embraced by Hope
Thanks Skeeter for your kind words -- most inspiring. I like to end on a positive note, even if the poem is full of sadness.I'll keep searching -- for those dreams. ~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-09 17:53:04
Re: Embraced by Hope
Thanks for the vote Val. I think I write at my best when it's about something personal. Thanks for your lovely comments. xx

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-09 17:55:25
Re: Embraced by Hope
Hi Emma

Thanks for your vote. I'm glad you could relate to this. Photos bring back so much of the past. Good memories and bad.

Author's Reply:

tai on 2004-10-10 05:14:36
Re: Embraced by Hope
Hi Capricorn, I loved your beautiful, sad yet inevitable trip through time!

Great read

Tai

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-10 15:07:08
Re: Embraced by Hope
Thanks Tai -- glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the vote.

Author's Reply:

Safron on 2004-10-14 20:09:08
Re: Embraced by Hope
I love looking at old photos touching the memories once more your last stanza is excellent.

Safron

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-15 03:51:23
Re: Embraced by Hope
Thanks Safron -- I have been looking at a lot of old photos recently and they certainly do bring a whole load of memories back. Thanks for the rating ~smile~

Author's Reply:


Dance of the Crinkled Veils (posted on: 01-10-04)
An Autumn Dance

A Revision Dance of the Crinkled Veils The sun has left her in the shade to weave and twirl in ballet shoes; while Autumn plays its serenade she changes into citrus hues. Her rustling veils of russet swirl with tangerine embroidered hems; soft breezes tousle chestnut curls adorned with clustered crimson gems. She slowly sheds her crinkled veils; they pirouette without a sound. Then vibrant loveliness prevails, embellishing the naked ground. The music slows until she's bare, her outline stark against the skies, as frost imparts his gift with flair -- a spangled throw to swathe her thighs. Her sable body's proudly posed abiding firm against each storm, her swaying arms remain exposed 'til buds of green enrobe her form. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The fading veils of nature sway from verdant tints to rusty hues; old Summer's samba dies away as Autumn twirls in ballet shoes. Her rustling russet skirts, aswirl, combine with vivid tangerine; bright crimson belts of berries curl like scarlet sequins in between. Where topaz tumbles, jade then fades to bronze and copper, `til next year. As cooling breezes murmur, shades of autumn slowly disappear. Her beauty dims -- she softly casts each crinkled veil to clothe the ground. A crunchy carpet spread, contrasts with soil that scarcely yields a sound. The dance continues `til she's bare, her outline stark against the skies; without the warmth of clothes to wear, the Winter's winds will chill her thighs. A sable body's proudly posed, as feet stand firm against the storm. Her waving arms remain exposed `til Spring's embrace shall make her warm.
Archived comments for Dance of the Crinkled Veils
barenib on 2004-10-01 08:26:17
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
This is very nicely done - a gentle poem on a very familiar theme, but sufficiently well constructed to overcome the autumn cliches - John.

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-10-01 11:59:28
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
I like this poem I can see The leaves falling now outside my window..well done...Erma

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-10-01 18:49:49
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
I love this beautiful autumn poem it flows so well and the last stanza is excellent. love val x

Author's Reply:

Emerald on 2004-10-02 06:04:28
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
This is beautiful - I loved

as Autumn twirls in ballet shoes

Conjured up wonderful pictures of autumn

Emma

Author's Reply:

Leila on 2004-10-02 17:12:39
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
It was a pleaseure to read this one...L

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:28:58
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Thanks John -- glad you liked it

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:31:34
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Thanks Erma -- yes it certainly has an autumn feel outside now. Thanks for the vote. ~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:33:12
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Thanks Val -- always good to hear from you. Thanks for the vote too.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:35:14
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Hi Emma -- thanks for your lovely comment and the vote.~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:37:12
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Hi Leila -- glad this brought you pleasure. Thanks!

Author's Reply:

tai on 2004-10-03 11:24:23
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
A fantastic poem, full of keats like imagery. You are a very talented poet, to be sure.

All the best

Author's Reply:

Jack_Cade on 2004-10-03 11:47:01
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Yes, I think this is a rare example of a traditionally-themed poem so well handled that it transcends the familiarity of its subject. The rhythm is nigh on perfect, and the rhymes unforced, natural but unexpected. Very musical.



Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-03 20:38:50
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Hello Tai -- thank you for the compliment -- brought a smile to my face.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-03 20:41:02
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Tai -- thanks for the vote -- nearly forgot!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-03 20:45:26
Re: Dance of the Crinkled Veils
Thank you Jack. I am pleased that you are able to appreciate a traditional style poem -- not everyone can

Author's Reply:


Party Night (posted on: 01-10-04)
When we're all asleep, there is a party going on!




The Day's shift
is finished.
The Sun sinks to sleep,
and the old Sky cringes
as the nocturnal party
commences again.

When the Night
tickles the Stars
with carefree caresses,
they giggle and quiver
then wink with delight,
as the fusty old Sky,
frowns down at the fun.

Flaunting pale makeup
the Moon drifts across
the sparkling stage,
eager to join
the frolicsome throng.
He flirts with the Stars,
who blow him their kisses,
while the scowls of the Sky
bring a smirk to the
mouth of the Moon.

The Sun wakes and
slithers into the scene
poking her fingers
into the morning.
The sky-larkers snuggle
under the duvet
that covers the dark.
The mood of the Sky
is transformed
to contentment,
by a fresh smiling Day.



Archived comments for Party Night
Hazy on 2004-10-01 08:37:16
Re: Party Night
Very clever! Liked this one. Wish I'd have thought of it ๐Ÿ™‚

Hazy x

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:40:40
Re: Party Night
Hi Hazy -- so glad you liked this. Thanks for the vote too.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-02 18:42:26
Re: Party Night
Hey royrodel -- thanks for your vote!

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2004-10-06 21:34:43
Re: Party Night
What a great idea and a lovely poem.

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-06 21:52:26
Re: Party Night
Thanks Kat -- had a party writing it!

Author's Reply:


Cookies at Grandma's (posted on: 13-08-04)
This poem is a true story -- can't trust kids to keep quiet about anything!


I do enjoy a cookie that's
been dipped into my tea.
It yields that special softness,
( a finely tuned degree.)

I never dunk them for too long,
else they will crumble up
and leave an awful, soggy mess
to wash out from my cup.

I took my son to Grandma's house,
when he was just a boy.
He plunged digestives in his tea,
and smiled with obvious joy.

''O don't do that dear'' grandma glared,
''It's rather rude'' she said.
''Well mummy does it all the time,''
I felt myself go red.

Sophistication disappeared,
I am a slob -- it's true!
Yet I am sure when all alone,
she dunks her cookies too.

Archived comments for Cookies at Grandma's
Bradene on 2004-10-14 10:04:25
Re: Cookies at Grandma's
just been reading back over some of your work and came across this piece, I think it's great and it made me chuckle too. I love dunking especially digestives! love Val x

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-14 19:30:21
Re: Cookies at Grandma's
Hi Val -- I'm glad you found this one. I was so embarassed at the time, when my son told my secret, but I'm older now and not bothered what m-in-law thinks ~giggle~

Yes -- dunked digestives -- mmm!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-14 19:31:33
Re: Cookies at Grandma's
Val -- forgot to thank you for the rating xx

Author's Reply:


Summer's Treasures (posted on: 13-08-04)
Written after a summer shower

A Revision A fresh aroma fills this sphere when soil is drenched with nourishment. All life revives as summer's tears are spilt in joy or brief lament. The watered flowers lift their crowns and stand erect on tufted banks, attired in freshly laundered gowns of leafy green; the earth gives thanks for sustenance, a moist embrace intensifying faded hues, while appliqu้s of cirri lace adorn celestial shades of blue. The summer's quickened breathing, serves to lift the clouds as rains abate. Then God creates a pastel curve; its multi-colours decorate the sky, extending to the vale, where treasures are supposed to gleam. Yes -- earth's adorning gems prevail resplendently in golden beams. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A freshness fills the atmosphere as soil is drenched with nourishment. All life revives when summer's tears are spilt in joy or brief lament. The watered flowers lift their crowns and stand erect on tufted banks, attired in freshly laundered gowns of leafy green. As earth gives thanks for sustenance, a moist embrace intensifies the faded hues, contrasting with the chiffon lace of cirri, trimming shades of blue. As summer's breath exhales, it serves to lift the clouds, when rains abate. Then God presents a pastel curve to stretch across and decorate the sky. It bends towards the vale, where treasure is supposed to gleam. Yet earth's adorning gems prevail resplendently in golden beams.
Archived comments for Summer's Treasures
Bradene on 2004-08-14 08:50:03
Re: Summer's Treasures
Read this with yearning in my heart!! This summer no gentle showers.. just torrential downpours that have beaten my garden into submission. I despair! nice images here. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-14 19:05:38
Re: Summer's Treasures
Hi Val

Yes I know what you mean. I started writing this when there was just a shower. The storms of late have flattened many plants. I think my poems sometimes reflect how I would like life to be.

Take care x

Author's Reply:


Life's Melodies (posted on: 06-08-04)
Life follows the seasons



REVISION A rhythm gently stirs the dormant earth with tranquil harmonies. All creatures browse; inherently they couple, giving birth as woods deliver buds to pregnant boughs. Soft showers suckle buttercup bouquets; a rainbow colours mama's lullaby. I fly away with blue birds while she sways me, lids becoming heavy; hush-a-bye. I leap awake to summer's bold refrains in verdant fields, where poppies splash their hue. I preen myself; sap surges through my veins, perplexing urges rousing my debut to adolescent days. Discordant sounds of rock enthral; my sensual desires are vivid like the flowers. Life abounds with energetic zest; true love transpires. I dawdle into autumn and repose beneath old foliage of rusty blends, its slower tempo lulls until I doze. I wake as desiccating leaves descend, accepting life's erosion with dismay. Transformed, my look precipitates the fear that fading blossoms wrinkle and decay; the flush of summer fades … to disappear. I hear the strains of winter's chilled advance and feel ambivalent to distant days. As snowflakes fall, resplendent, they enhance the stark reality of life's malaise. Will mist surround my mind's befuddled dreams, purloin my dignity when time seems false? As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam once more for me to dance … that final waltz. As Winter leaves I hear its funeral dirge; inactive life bestirs, becoming rife. Sustaining water spills as shrubs emerge -- in rhythm with the melodies of life. ---------------------------------------------- A soothing lullaby sedately plays as Spring delivers buds from pregnant boughs. The jaded earth receives diverse bouquets of fragrant blooms, as life begins to rouse. A mama dove affectionately coos of cradles gently rocking, high in trees. The flora's suckled, when the rains infuse with nourishment, through nature's expertise. Soon adolescence leaps to bold refrains and greenery grows vigorous and new. As life matures, the sap flows through young veins while music blasts aloud for youth's debut. So Summer's Jazz and Rock plays stronger sounds while hormones surge through blood as love transpires. The vivid colours swell as earth abounds with energetic zest for life's desires. The pace of autumn dawdles. I repose, observing colours change to rusty blends. A slower tempo rhythmically flows as desiccating foliage descends. Now time erodes my life; I feel dismay while changing images increase those fears. When blossoms fade, they wrinkle and decay as summer's flush declines and disappears. I hear the strains of Winter's chilled advance and feel ambivalent of distant days. When snowflakes drift , their beauty will enhance the stark reality of life's malaise Will mist surround my mind with fuddled dreams, purloin my dignity when time seems false? As cold entices sleep, the sun will gleam once more, for me to dance that final waltz When Winter exits to a funeral dirge, then dormant life bestirs, becoming rife. Sustaining showers fall as shrubs emerge in rhythm with the melodies of life.
Archived comments for Life's Melodies
Skeeter on 2004-08-08 13:54:54
Re: Life's Melodies
You have crafted this very well, it is thoughtfully put together, and flows along very well. I like the sentiments you express, with thought and care (lets face it, anyone who spells 'desiccated' properly has to have done their research!!). A nice poem.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-08 20:14:35
Re: Life's Melodies
Hey -- now how did you know I looked up desiccated? -- LOL!!

Yes I did do a lot of thinking for this one. Thanks for your reply.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-08 20:14:37
Re: Life's Melodies
Hey -- now how did you know I looked up desiccated? -- LOL!!

Yes I did do a lot of thinking for this one. Thanks for your reply.

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-10-14 10:11:48
Re: Life's Melodies
This is a lovely dawdle through the seasons, I hate winter. Today we have just had the trees cut back, they needed it but it has made me so sad. I just can't wait for the spring! Love Val x

Author's Reply:

tai on 2004-10-14 10:37:18
Re: Life's Melodies
And what a gorgeous sound they make...this is a truly beautifully crafted work of art....so melodiously executed....I could hear Keats voice, sorrowful in his hastening demise. There is beauty in everything, maturity is a gift which more than makes up for our fading outer selves...your work is an exquisite gift to us all.

love your work
tai



Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-14 19:24:06
Re: Life's Melodies
Thanks tai for your very kind words and for the rating. You're right -- maturity is a gift.~smile~

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-10-14 19:26:33
Re: Life's Melodies
Oh Val -- I hate winter too. I'll join with you and wait for glorious spring! xx

Author's Reply:


Stillness (posted on: 30-07-04)
This poem has recently been accepted for publishing in `Illuminations' magazine who are at present supporting the Samantha Paige Crusade for mothers and families affected by stillbirth.

You arrived today,
early --
and breathless.

A tiny, motionless gift.
You were to flood my life
with warmth;
now the coldness
numbs me.

Your crib is empty
like my womb.

I glimpsed you briefly --
longed to cradle your fragility,
sing lullabies
and simply love you;

they hurried you away
with a slice of my soul.

The blanket
that once shrouded you
exudes your essence.
My comfort blanket now.


Congratulatory bouquets
have been exchanged
for funereal wreaths.


Life resounds with --

silence.

Archived comments for Stillness
bektron on 2004-07-30 05:35:28
Re: Stillness
well crafted and evocative and it made me cry.


Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-30 18:56:30
Re: Stillness
Thanks Bektron -- I must say I shed some tears when I wrote it too.

Author's Reply:

dargo77 on 2004-07-31 03:39:31
Re: Stillness
Capricorn, we have been there. A good account of the greatest sadness possible.
Dargo

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-31 19:43:16
Re: Stillness
Ah -- how sad Dargo. I am glad I have managed to write a good account, even though it's not actually happened to me. I hope your life has brought you some happiness. Take care

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-08-01 05:28:02
Re: Stillness
Oh my goodness! I am crying so hard... This is so familiar to me, it is so real..Val x

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-08-01 09:14:19
Re: Stillness
This one tears at your heart. Very well done...Erma

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-01 17:11:15
Re: Stillness
Oh Val -- I don't know what to say. In one way I am so glad my words were so real to you, but I hate to think of the devastation you have been through.
When I wrote this I tried to feel how I would feel if this had happened to me-- I have to say I felt very emotional by the time I'd finished...how much worse if it were real.

Oh do take care

Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-01 17:12:22
Re: Stillness
Thanks Erma -- I'm just thankful it didn't happen for real to me

Author's Reply:

Dazza on 2004-08-01 17:31:51
Re: Stillness
This is full on and spot on. Dazza.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-01 17:47:09
Re: Stillness
Thanks Dazza -- I'm glad you appreciated this

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-01 17:47:11
Re: Stillness
Thanks Dazza -- I'm glad you appreciated this

Author's Reply:

cburns on 2004-08-02 14:29:16
Re: Stillness
This really moved me......beautiful poem.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-08-02 18:07:07
Re: Stillness
Hello there cburns

Thanks for your nice comment

Author's Reply:


Sexual Conquest (posted on: 16-07-04)
A poem with a twist.

Standing tall
in a bright jacket
he threatened the guys
to stay away
from his territory.

''That girl
is going to be mine.''

He posed awkwardly
with head held high,
trying to
beguile the babe
in skin tight
leopard look clothes.

She found him tiresome
and turned away.

He approached her,
wide-eyed
with confidence,
hormones hungering.

Feeling frigid she fled.

Later, she mellowed
in his company,
but when he tried
to snuggle closer
…she bit him!

He relished this challenge.

Then wooed by his perseverance,
and flirtatious dancing
she was enticed
to a dimly lit niche,
where he covered her back
with lusty love bites,
`til she was mesmerised
by his ardour.

Just before they merged in passion
a thought arose --

'' Which one tonight?''

(He was a Leopard Gecko lizard…
with two genitalia to chose from.)

Archived comments for Sexual Conquest
dancing-queen on 2004-07-16 04:39:20
Re: Sexual Conquest
Hehehe, naughty Capricorn for tricking us - you can guess what I thought it was about...gosh - us humans are not much different from them, are we? (well, apart from the two thingies, of course!!)

I liked this - very well done - DQ

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-16 18:28:19
Re: Sexual Conquest
Ha ha!!-- glad you enjoyed this. I've been thinking about writing this for ages and suddenly it all came together.



Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-07-16 18:30:20
Re: Sexual Conquest
What a twist! That was so unexpected, and so clever I enjoyed the read. Love Val x

Author's Reply:

jay12 on 2004-07-16 20:18:53
Re: Sexual Conquest
This is brilliant, I absolutely did not expect a twist in the tale, this took me by surprise.

James.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-17 13:55:44
Re: Sexual Conquest
Hi Val

Glad you enjoyed the twist -- I enjoyed writing this

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-17 13:57:07
Re: Sexual Conquest
I'm glad this gave you the surprise I intended. I wish I could write like this all the time

Author's Reply:

Elfstone on 2004-07-18 08:43:14
Re: Sexual Conquest
Very good poem Capricorn - I certainly didn't see the twist coming - had to go back and re-read in a new perspective. Very well done. Elfstone.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-18 19:06:45
Re: Sexual Conquest
Thanks Elfstone -- I expect you read it with different eyes the second time ~smile~

Author's Reply:


The Bird (posted on: 02-07-04)
Thoughts about my son

I watch him glide
across the skies at ease
with newly tested wings.
This fledgling
with his slender frame
reminds me
of my lost appearance.
His straight face
conceals a brew
of bubbling laughter,
infectious as a fever.
His mind is as fresh
as the coffee he loves.
He labours for achievements,
hoping to iron out
life's wrinkles.


I peer closer and see that
a boy hides inside the man,
shrouding his
vulnerability.
His humour paints my life
with vibrant tints.
His distress wrings my heart
roughly, bruising it
as I smooth his
furrowed brow.
He requires abundant life
for ripeness to bloom
to attain the sapience of an owl.


I gaze at my son's face
with love.
He dons a different mask
for each department of life.
Occasionally I glimpse
though the vents in
his masquerade.
In stressful times
he fractures my emotions
by accidental collision,
yet fills my glass
with full-bodied wine
that overflows
flooding me
with pride.

Archived comments for The Bird
Frenchy on 2004-07-02 09:38:11
Re: The Bird
I had a friend who had this magical way of seeing through my masks.

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-07-02 09:38:29
Re: The Bird
Perfect yes it's perfect I love it...Erma

Author's Reply:

Gerry on 2004-07-02 15:49:18
Re: The Bird
You captured this well...nice one.

Gerry.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-02 16:51:51
Re: The Bird
LOL!! -- I make sure my mask is firmly in place!

I think my son would be horrified to read what I've written here

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-02 16:53:29
Re: The Bird
Thanks Erma ... your praise always makes me feel good.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-02 16:54:31
Re: The Bird
Hi Gerry -- thanks for your kind thoughts

Author's Reply:

Leila on 2004-07-03 15:29:35
Re: The Bird
All the knowing and the loving come through in this...I like it very much...L

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-03 16:18:54
Re: The Bird
Thanks Leila

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-07-03 16:49:40
Re: The Bird
This is beautiful, Emotions I understand and identify with, but I doubt I could have said it in such a powerful way. love Val x

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-03 18:51:44
Re: The Bird
Thanks Val. I'm glad you could relate to this one.

Author's Reply:


Earth's Ovation (posted on: 02-07-04)
A sonnet to spring time

A Revision As migrant birds return with glad refrains, they stir our land from slumber; entertain with chirruped songs, compelling earth's applause, while we revive from Winter's drowsy pause. The daffodils careen on slender stems, when April showers trim their sleeves with gems. They raise their amber trumpets to announce the Spring's procession. See her boldly flounce across the vales with vivid flowers; sweep the land with life as creatures rouse from sleep. Old twigs burst out in chorus with new buds and sunbeams dance to thaw our icy blood. Spring's concert is accompanied by the breeze, as God conducts the air with expertise. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now birds wing home to chirrup sweet refrains arousing earth from sleep, while she abstains from frigid life, in winter's drowsy pause; their springtime song precedes the land's applause. The daffodils careen on graceful stems, their verdant sleeves adorned with moistened gems. They blow their amber trumpets, raised erect to herald Spring's arrival. She's bedecked with luscious colours; meadow flowers sweep across the ground, where creatures wake from sleep. Old twigs expand to burst their dormant buds, as sun disperses warmth through winter's blood. The vibrant chorus echoes through the breeze; a vernal scene is set with expertise.
Archived comments for Earth's Ovation
discopants on 2004-07-02 05:53:05
Re: Earth's Ovation
On reading the first couple of lines, I wasn't sure that this would be my type of work, but I carried on reading and enjoyed what I read. It's well-written with vibrant images- you've managed to keep to 10 syllables for each line as well and that's not so easy to do. Well done!

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-07-02 16:32:35
Re: Earth's Ovation
This is a lovely read, the syllable count is great and it bounces nicely along, just one thing though, the rhyming pattern isn't quite right, for an English sonnet it should be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG and for the Italian It should be. ABBA ABBA CDCDCD or ABBA ABBA CDECDE.But no matter you still have a sweet poem there. Love Val xx

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-02 16:57:39
Re: Earth's Ovation
Thanks Disco pants -- I know this one won't be eveyone's `cup of tea' but I'm glad you enjoyed it eventually.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-02 17:02:17
Re: Earth's Ovation
Hi Val -- I'm glad you enjoyed this one. Yes I wrote it before I realised the rhyming pattern was not the usual, however I did go to the web site Sonnet Central and found a couple written with a AABB rhyme, though most were written the traditional way. Thanks for your comments.

Author's Reply:

Kat on 2004-07-04 19:24:50
Re: Earth's Ovation
Hi Capricorn

Have to say that I'm not normally a great fan of the sonnet/more traditional types of poetry, but you've converted me with this. Masterful rhyming pattern which jaunted along like a beautiful spring day. Really liked the last 2 lines. You've persuaded me to 'have a go'...

Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-07-06 02:33:46
Re: Earth's Ovation
Hi Kat

I'm glad I have a convert -- haha!!
I love traditional poetry, but feel it has to be written well to work. Good rhythm can make a poem `sing'. I hope you do have a go -- I'll look out! I think you'll feel you've really acheived something.

Author's Reply:


Grief's Monster (one) (posted on: 14-05-04)
My Dad died on Monday May 10th 2004

Dearest Dad, (revision) My spirit collapsed, when I heard you were beckoned through Death's dark tunnel, welcomed by the radiant warmth of familiar faces. I wish Death's clock had waited for us to say goodbye. When will grief's appetite be satisfied? The monster gnaws inside my chest until it's raw. My mind's awhirl with words I could have said last time we met; I know you hear my whispers now. I love you Dad and miss you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Dearest Dad, My spirit collapsed when I heard you were beckoned through death's dark tunnel, and welcomed by the radiant warmth of familiar faces. I wish death's clock had waited for us to say goodbye. When will grief's appetite be satisfied? -- it's monster gnaws away inside my chest until it's raw. My minds awhirl with words I could have said last time we met; I hope you hear my whispers now. I love you Dad …and miss you.
Archived comments for Grief's Monster (one)
RobertChiswick on 2004-05-14 03:38:47
Re: Grief's Monster
I wish I'd had a father like that. Sorry about your loss, but well expressed, Robert

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 03:44:54
Re: Grief's Monster
Robert...Thankyou for your kind thoughts. Capricorn

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-05-14 10:04:48
Re: Grief's Monster
God bless you I am so sorry for your loss. I know how grief feels. I pray God heals your broken heart....Erma

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 10:55:15
Re: Grief's Monster
Thanks Erma-- it helps knowing people like you care. Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Gerry on 2004-05-14 14:22:14
Re: Grief's Monster
In my thoughts and prayers.

Gerry.

Author's Reply:

Elfstone on 2004-05-14 16:21:28
Re: Grief's Monster
Capricorn, my sincere sympathy to you, but be grateful that you have a parent you can remember in these terms - it will be a comfort to you in the long run. Also I would urge you to be aware that, although sudden death without the chance to say goodbye is terribly shocking at the time, it is by far the best way to go - for everyone involved. Your dad didn't suffer the often dreadful effects of a prolonged illness and you will remember him always as he was towards the end of his life and at your last meeting,. That is a huge blessing. Regards, Elfstone.

Author's Reply:

spacegirl on 2004-05-14 16:24:31
Re: Grief's Monster
Capricorn, it was a lovely tribute to your dad. Take Care

Rose

Author's Reply:

ShadowChaser on 2004-05-14 16:35:20
Re: Grief's Monster
Life is full of shoulda/woulda/coulda's...we just have to accept sometimes that bad stuff happens for a reason. I really feel for you right now and can empathise with you. My thoughts and best wishes are with you at this sad time....

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 18:11:55
Re: Grief's Monster
Thank you so much

Capricorn

Author's Reply:

jay12 on 2004-05-14 18:14:16
Re: Grief's Monster
This is heart felt.

I'm sorry for your loss and send you all my best wishes.

The 10th of May last year was the day I had to give my sister away on her wedding day because my father had died in Feb 2002. Your poem made me shed a tear.


Take care,

James.

Author's Reply:

Skeeter on 2004-05-14 18:16:54
Re: Grief's Monster
Very heartfelt, sad, to me. There's never anything that can be said, except yes, I understand the loss. It does eventually subside. Thanks for sharing the poem, I feel glad to have read it.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 18:18:04
Re: Grief's Monster
Hi Elfstone

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. Now that the shock is wearing off, I have been thinking along the same lines. I would hate to see him slowly deteriorate... and fortunately I visited him only 2 weeks ago and have fond memories of that time.

Thanks
Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 18:19:53
Re: Grief's Monster
Hi Rose

Thanks for your kind words

Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 18:23:00
Re: Grief's Monster
Hi Shadow Chaser

Yes -- I suppose how ever much you have done you can always think of more you feel you should have done. Thank you for your best wishes

Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 18:25:24
Re: Grief's Monster
Aw James ... thanks for your understanding

Take care

Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-14 18:30:00
Re: Grief's Monster
Hi Skeeter

Thank you for your understanding words ... and I'm glad you were glad to read this

Capricorn

Author's Reply:

Leila on 2004-05-15 06:51:06
Re: Grief's Monster
This is so gentle and heartfelt, take care...L

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-05-16 03:14:17
Re: Grief's Monster
Thank you Leila

Capricorn

Author's Reply:


Faded Layers (posted on: 02-04-04)
I am trying to accept the aging process and grow old gracefully

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognise my bloom's become debris.
Instead, my mother gazes back; in truth,
maturity replaced my tender youth.
Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inner self. I can't escape
from Time's persistent pace, for she's designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.


Time's fingers frayed my visage … I accept
the ravages she wreaked, for they reflect
life's stormy waters, where no calm appears
to shape persona through tempestuous tears.
I rummage through the rustiness of life
to trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.
Determination's pushed me to pursue
my problems, hiding battle scars from view.


As seasons change, I face them … unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.
Inside I may be bruised with wounds from war,
yet I've survived to stretch my wings and soar.
So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind …
a stronger fabric shows … my mellow mind


Archived comments for Faded Layers
Zydha on 2004-04-03 02:29:00
Re: Faded Layers
Aren't we all, Capricorn, aren't we all, hahaha. I liked many lines of your poem and I also enjoyed the last verse very much. Love 'Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe'.

This reads well and very smoothly, but, 'to shroud my inmost self'...shouldn't that be innermost (which breaks your rhythm) but 'inner' seems more correct and reads softly, but it is your poem and I enjoyed reading it, Zydha

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-04-03 06:38:11
Re: Faded Layers
Hi Zydha

Thanks for commenting on this ... glad you appreciate wht I'm saying.

I agree about the `inmost' self ... thanks for pointing it out to me. I wonder if I just left it at `inner self'? I'll do that for now and have a think. I'm sure I wrote that line differently at the start ... I'll have a look back.

ThanksZydha

Capricorn


Author's Reply:

barenib on 2004-04-03 10:33:40
Re: Faded Layers
Nicely worked poem - I particularly like the last four lines - trying to remain mellow of mind myself!
John.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-04-04 03:23:05
Re: Faded Layers
Thanks John. Yes it can be difficult to remain mellow ...ha ha!!

Author's Reply:

shangri-la on 2004-04-04 03:38:31
Re: Faded Layers
I think this is something we all aspire to..I've done the accepting bit...difficult to ignore really..just got to do the graceful bit then I'm sorted. A great read, I love the ending.

So mirror image, though you may displease
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind โ€ฆ
a stronger fabric shows โ€ฆ my mellow mind

magic!

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-04-04 12:27:21
Re: Faded Layers
soft silk, and crinkled crepe wonderful lines in this poem. Time's relentless tides. Wow I love that one...Erma

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-04-04 17:57:54
Re: Faded Layers
Hi Shangri-la

Yes it is difficult to be graceful while aging. I feel I'm at a disadvantage to people who have face lifts, etc. but wouldn't have the courage to have one anyway ... things can go wrong! I'll pravtice being gracefull! ha ha!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-04-04 18:01:45
Re: Faded Layers
Hi Erma Glad you appreciated this one ... age happens to us all ... unfortunately

Cap

Author's Reply:


Heaven's Vault (posted on: 01-03-04)
Greek gods Uranus god of the heavens Selene goddess of the moon Nyx goddess of the night Helios god of the sun Gaia goddess of the earth

REVISION Nyx sets the night ablaze with lustrous gems and crowns Uranus heaven with diadems. Enwrapped in spangled cloak, she roams the skies surveying treasures with aeonian eyes. Selene's lanterns radiate to guide her footsteps through the night. Quiescent tides encompass Gaia's realm, while Nyx enshrouds night's jewelled tapestries in misted clouds. Dispelling shadows, Nyx departs; we wake as Helios' excursion starts to break the dawn. Alary horses fly abreast to lead his golden chariot west. They gallop leaving cumulous behind, while sun's diurnal rays caress mankind. Their journey ends as temperatures decline, when Nyx unlocks her vault for heaven to shine. -------------------------------------------- I gazed upon Uranus' sky one night and felt aglow, to view its vivid sight. His heaven blazed with endless watchful eyes, that guard the vault of diamante skies. Selene, outstretched her arms of light, to guide our footsteps through the dark. A drowsy tide of dreams encompassed earth, as Nyx enshrouds her jewelled tapestry, with misty clouds. When Nyx dispels her shadows, I awake as Helios' fast chariot now breaks the dawn. His journey yields a fervid glow, to scorch and thaw the glacial winter snow. His horses gallop, leaving clouds behind; he warms the azure sky for all mankind. When westward he retreats hot rays decline and night's exquisite gems commence to shine. Selene bestows her light, for Nyx to stroke the rhinestones, strewn across her velvet cloak.
Archived comments for Heaven's Vault
Macjoyce on 10-12-2007
Heavens Vault
Is Uranus god of the heavens? I always thought it was Mybumhole (pronounced, of course, the Greek way, mee-boom-ho-lay).



Author's Reply:


Seduction by Starlight (posted on: 16-02-04)
A Modern Sonnet

Starlit Seduction (revision) The curtain's drawn; a spangled velvet sheet creates a welcome shade from summer's heat. A slumber blankets earth with dreams, as night's seductive moonbeams dance in shadowed light. Big eyes entice the sky, they wink and flirt; she fingers silver buttons on his shirt to proudly flaunt her galaxies of gems on midnight's hand. He lifts her sequined hem as stellar rays caress the dark. She sighs when kisses scatter over sultry skies to burst in supernova's rising cloud; the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud. The curtain opens slowly -- there's no rush; as dawn peeps out, the sky begins to blush. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The curtain's drawn; a spangled velvet sheet creates a welcome shade from daylight's heat. As slumber blankets earth in dreams, so night's soft moonbeams dance in dim seductive light. Big eyes entice the sky, they wink to flirt; she fingers silver buttons on his shirt and proudly flaunts the galaxies of gems on midnight's hand. Bright sequins lift her hem as stellar rays embrace the dark. She sighs when kisses scatter over sultry skies; a supernova bursts in rising cloud the climax of the night … she gasps aloud! The curtain opens slowly … not to rush as dawn peeps out, the sky begin to blush.
Archived comments for Seduction by Starlight
Sabrina on 2004-02-16 11:31:43
Re: Seduction by Starlight
I was so taken by this poem, I think you should be nominated for something. I was prepared for romantic drivel, as romance always seems to descend into sacharin puddles of self indulgence, however, this piece is vibrant, fresh, devoid of manipulation. The use of metaphor is brilliant, very sexy; like unto the language of seduction used by those great seducers of old who knew that words could unwrap things faster than hands. Actually, like the language used by our not too distant poets of the fifties, before sex descended into four letter words crusted in shame, and excess...GOOD WORK< WELL DONE...the Sabre

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 2004-02-16 14:11:00
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Oh bugger, I did like this. Me being a bloke and having a dirty mind, I did kinda snigger at - 'she fingers silver buttons on his shirt' - I just read the 'she fingers' part and cracked up. So sorry. Sabrina will kill me now. I need to grow up. It's not your fault. It's a fantastic read and damn sexy. Forgive me my immature ways. Great write. Well done.

s
u
n
k

Author's Reply:

spacegirl on 2004-02-16 14:57:23
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Typical Sunk. Consider your wrists slapped.

Loved your descriptions. A lot of attempts at sonnets I've read have been a load of wonderful sounding words that don't mean anything.

This is fantastic

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-16 17:41:32
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Wow! ... and thankyou Sabrina, I am so glad you enjoyed this one. It evolved when I got some malicious comments on the critique forum for a poem `Kisses' which I decided to rewrite as a sonnet.
Yes I like the older type language of poetry at times(well I am getting on a bit! ...ha ha!!) and think it is definitely seductively sexy!

Thank you so much your your encouagement.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-16 17:44:17
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Haha! ... Sunken, you make me laugh! ... and my words in this poem were intended to tease

Thanks!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-16 17:47:52
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Hi Spacegirl

Thank you for your encouraging comments. I have written a few sonnets now and could easily become addicted ... but I agree the words written have to mean something!

Thanks!

Author's Reply:

Gee on 2004-02-18 01:50:43
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Beautifully written. I loved your descriptions and I had to smile at the ending.

Author's Reply:

discopants on 2004-02-19 05:25:18
Re: Seduction by Starlight
It's mostly already been said, but well-written and excellent use of metaphors.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-21 03:31:47
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Hello Gee ... glad you enjoyed this ... especially the ending!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-21 03:34:39
Re: Seduction by Starlight
Hello there ... thank you you for your lovely comments. I'm glad you enjoyed this one

Author's Reply:


Ribbons of Time (posted on: 06-02-04)
My elderly Mother has Alzheimer's and I have dedicated this poem to her.

A revision Ribbons of Time In reveries of rhymes, my mind's awhirl with Mammy's songs, that once enchanted me; she tied blue satin ribbons to my curls and soothed the bloodied bruises on my knee. When I began to bloom she hurt my pride, continuing to treat me like a child. Yet life moves on and injured thoughts subside, when offspring of my own had me beguiled. Now past and present scenes become entwined in misty memories. Confusion reigns, for time has knotted ribbons through her mind; I grieve to watch her struggle on in vain. She's lost -- afloat like flotsam on the waves while drifting back to her familiar past, forgetting friends are resting there in graves. Alzheimer's seas are turbulent and vast. Now wearing tattered slippers, she's coerced to tread the crooked path of bygone days. I've stepped into her shoes, our roles reversed and guide her through confusion's endless maze. I see her stumbling on and feel despair, when sliding down a slope, the syndrome hurls her into deep delusions. I'm aware one day she might forget … I am her girl. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The photo forced me back … I was a girl … my mother's lullabies would comfort me. She tied pink satin ribbons in my curls and soothed the aching bruises on my knee. I lingered in my teens with injured pride, to feel mature yet treated like a child. As life accelerates, my wounds subside for offspring of my own have me beguiled. As past and present scenes are intertwined, she stumbles in the mists of her domain. For time has knotted ribbons through her mind; I grieve to watch her struggle on in vain. Now lost she's drifting on the final waves as she floats back, to her familiar past forgetting friends are buried in their graves; the seas of memories are harshly vast. She wears her tattered slippers, as coerced she treads the crooked paths of bygone days. I've stepped into her shoes, our roles reversed, and guide her through confusion's misty maze. Which trail will she take next? I am aware she can't turn back but slowly slips downhill to depths of dark delusion; I despair … and trust she will recall …I love her still.
Archived comments for Ribbons of Time
Bee on 2004-02-06 03:33:58
Re: Ribbons of Time
This poem started out a little too sentimental for my taste but settled into something very moving. Perhaps you could cut the first two lines?

I thought these lines were very fine but would cut the word 'misty': She wears her tattered slippers, as coerced
she treads the crooked paths of bygone days.
I’ve stepped into her shoes, our roles reversed,
and guide her through confusion’s misty maze.

The last line is just the right ending - I have watched a person with Alzheimer's and it is so pitiful to see- if only they could keep the assurance of being loved.


Author's Reply:

MiddleEarthNet on 2004-02-06 07:12:37
Re: Ribbons of Time
I haven';t known anyone with Alzheimer's, but it made me think of my cousin who has cancer. ?Nice poem and sorry to hear about your mother.

Author's Reply:

MiddleEarthNet on 2004-02-06 10:10:22
Re: Ribbons of Time
And sorry about the number of typing mistakes in my comment.

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-02-06 12:13:41
Re: Ribbons of Time
I hate this disease it's the one that steels your mind very slowly and renders you helpless and lost. so very sad. My Grandmother had this disease, at the time they didn't know what it was. I'm so sorry you have to go through this my dear....Erma

Author's Reply:

Leila on 2004-02-06 14:59:12
Re: Ribbons of Time
Liked the sensitive, gentle handling of such a difficult situation. You expressed it well. Good luck.

Author's Reply:

ruadh on 2004-02-06 15:48:23
Re: Ribbons of Time
This is a horrible and heartbreaking condition which you've portrayed well. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

ailsa

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-06 17:48:03
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Bee ... I was feeling a little sentimental when I started this poem, as I had found some photos which took be back ... and my Mum loved to sing to me ... and tied those large satin ribbons in my hair, I looked like some doll... ha ha!! So the beginning is really all part of my memories and feelings for my mother. I have started that way to try and show the difference between then and now ... so please forgive my sentimentality.



Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-06 17:52:06
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello MiddleEarthNet I am sorry to hear about your cousin too. Sad to see family members become so ill.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-06 17:54:32
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hey Middle EarthNet .... I didn't notice anything til you said ... it's your message that means the most to me. Take care

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-06 17:56:50
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Erma ... and thank you for your good wishes. I try to take one day at a time ... the future is too daunting at times.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-06 17:59:32
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Leila ... thank you for your comments. I have been trying to write this poem for such a long time, then some old photos started me off.Thanks for your good wishes.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-06 18:02:08
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello ruah ... I never dreamed my mother would have something like this. I am glad you feel it is portrayed well. Thanks for your good wishes.

Author's Reply:

ritawrites on 2004-02-07 01:29:55
Re: Ribbons of Time
a very good write – you’ve captured the despair – I saw the movie Iris recently based on Iris Murdoch – and this poem brought back scenes –

Author's Reply:

Bradene on 2004-02-07 06:48:04
Re: Ribbons of Time
This is a tenderly written piece for a mother you obviously adore, My heart goes out to you. as a poem I think you have captured the awfulness of the disease and the futility of your situation. A well thought out piece of work. Best wishes. Bradene xx

Author's Reply:

Gee on 2004-02-07 14:55:55
Re: Ribbons of Time
I went through something like this with my grandmother and I know how hard it is to deal with it, to find the roles of parent and child reversed.
This is so sad, but perfectly described and it sounds as if you have some wonderful memories that will, together with your love for her, see you through these hard times.
Take care.

Author's Reply:

dancing-queen on 2004-02-07 18:33:21
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hi Capricorn - well, I'm familiar with this poem of yours having seen it on the critiquing forum. Glad to see you finally submitted it, as it's a wonderful piece of work. Very touching, it pulls at the heart strings. Hope you are coping, hon - my Greek grandmother had it very late in life, so I have a rough idea of what you're going through (although it must be a lot harder when it's your mum). Best wishes - DQ ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Penprince on 2004-02-10 06:37:57
Re: Ribbons of Time
Sentiments expressed well in this poem..One caveat-->>pls whittle it down..<< will read better!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-10 17:23:04
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Rita --thanks, I'm glad you feel I have captured the emotions here. yes I have seen Iris too... very moving.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-10 17:25:00
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Bradene -- thank you for your good wishes. I am learning to take one day at a time!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-10 17:29:31
Re: Ribbons of Time
Oh Hi again DQ ...yes I have finally done a little revision and submitted it. As I have said I try to take one day at a time but things are getting harder at the moment ... but there will be ups and downs. Thanks for your good wishes.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-10 17:32:34
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Penprince -- Thanks for your comment. I have done a few revisiond here and would not want to miss anything that's left out.

Author's Reply:

Sabrina on 2004-02-10 17:55:52
Re: Ribbons of Time
Well I wept openly at this poem. It was the intro that pulled me in, because, it reminded me...of me. I sing lullabies to my children, still. They love to snuggle up by the fire while I read a good book or sing a song, even my 17 yr old. What would it be like for them...quick! shake the head, dispel the vision. This must be the hardest way to lose a parent, surely.
While I wouldn't want you to cut anything from the poem because all words seem relevent, however, I think the first verse moves to quickly from reverie to actuality. I would like to see the reverie developed fully and then linked, through the small stanzas, to the actuality. A progression of sorts.
Your lay out reminds me of the shape of photographs scattered, some large some small. I understand that your teenage years were not a celebration to your mom, and perhaps there is regret about that, that's what the end of the first stanza seems to say, however, I would like to see those last two lines describing your maturity as a woman, and how your mother influenced that, because I am left with the feeling that you are a teenage, still.
The last two lines in stanza one could fit well anywhere in the progression.
It is difficult to critique a piece that is so heart wrenching and real; understand this criticism is offered humbly.
"Time has knotted ribbons through her mind..." is a wonderful play on the beginning, and a beautiful metaphor.
Care homes where I live are now being designed with circular hallways that never end so the alzheimer patients can walk around and around to their hearts content and never be frustrated by a dead end.
All the best...Sabrina

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-10 18:21:31
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello Sabrina ... how nice to hear from you again. Yes I never dreamed that Mum would go this way, and I still find it hard to come to terms with. Hmm..I sing lullabies too ..ha ha!! carrying on the tradition, eh?

I'm glad you mentioned what you felt was missing here, as I have been thinking that too, but after putting it on a few critique forums, no-one seemed to notice...except you...thank you. Yes, I have felt a certain abruptness at the end of my teenage years and an awkwardness of then coming to the present time. I think I just needed someone else to feel this to give me a kick! to rethinking this.

What a wonderful idea to have circular hallways in homes ... they have enough frustrations to cope with.

I am so glad to hear from you tonight
Thanks
Capricorn


Author's Reply:

richa on 2004-02-12 15:00:16
Re: Ribbons of Time
Loved the line 'I despair โ€ฆand trust she will recall โ€ฆI love her still.' Very touching. Hope your mother gets well.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-13 03:27:29
Re: Ribbons of Time
Hello richa I am glad that this poem touched you. Unfortunately my mothers condition can only deteriorate. Thanks for your good wishes.

Author's Reply:


Misty (posted on: 30-01-04)
Perhaps it's my age, but I hate those misty days when the damp seems to get into your bones and makes you ache. I hate those emotional mists too, when you can't think straight. This is a poem about both.

Revision 2 Mist It drifts around me, like a veil of dampness, infiltrating bones. My blood is cold, emotions frail, I stoop, as aching shoulders groan. This fragile shroud beclouds the light; its cobwebs cling to fog my thought as brumous layers blur my sight, ideas corrode 'til I'm distraught. When mizzle sprinkles, like the dew, it's lace embraces me with tears, until a glinting ray shows through to desiccate persistent fears. As hope comes blinking through the haze my shivers dwindle. Warmth assists to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze! Afflictions vanish with the mist. --------------------------------------- A revision Mist It drifts around me, like a veil of dampness, spreading through old bones. My blood is cold -- emotions frail, as aching joints begin to groan. This fragile shroud obscures the light; its cobwebs cling to cloud my mind. The brumous layer blurs my sight -- as thoughts corrode, I'm almost blind. The moisture sprinkles, fine as dew; a soft embrace of lacy tears. Then brightness slowly filters through as mizzle dries and disappears. That suffocating mantle lifts and glowing comfort soon provides relief. The foggy membrane drifts away; persistent pain subsides. New hope comes piercing through the haze and shivers dwindle. Warmth assists to strengthen weakness -- heat ablaze! Afflictions vanish with the mist. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It drifts around me, like a veil of dampness, spreading through old bones. My blood feels cold; emotions frail, inflaming joints begin to groan. This fragile shroud obscures the light its cobwebs cling to cloud my mind, the brumous layer blurs my sight as thoughts corrode, I'm almost blind. The moisture sprinkles fine as dew, a soft embrace of lacy tears; then brightness slowly filters through, as mizzle dries and disappears. That suffocating mantle lifts and glowing comfort soon provides relief. The foggy membrane drifts away; persistent pains subsides. New hope comes piercing through the haze and shivers dwindle. Warmth persists as strength increases ... heat ablaze! Afflictions vanish with the mist.
Archived comments for Misty
uppercase on 2004-01-30 12:56:39
Re: Misty
Very nice poem after darkness comes the light with sunshine warming us through. I felt my bones loosen up..Erma

Author's Reply:

silentmemories on 2004-01-30 21:43:20
Re: Misty
I like it very much, you did a fine job.

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 2004-02-01 13:23:42
Re: Misty
I can't pretend to agree with the subject matter, as I'm one of those weird types who prefers dull, misty, rainy days. Can't stand too much sun. Does my head right in. Having said that, this is beautifully presented, right down to the last drop.

ref.

Fine moisture sprinkles earth with dew;
a soft embrace of hazy tears.
A glow begins to filter through
and drizzle slowly disappears.
That suffocating mantle lifts
so life can gently penetrate
my core, the foggy membrane drifts
away and lingering pains abate.

What more can be said. Great write.

s
u
n
k
e
n

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-01 19:21:02
Re: Misty
Thanks Erma ... glad the heat got through to your bones!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-01 19:22:03
Re: Misty
So Glad you liked this! Thanks.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-01 19:26:56
Re: Misty
Sunken ... I'm sure your not old enough to know the effects of the damp weather giving pain in your joints ... perhaps another 20 -30 yrs haha!!

Although I don't like the pain the mist can bring I do like the look of the mist ... kind of mysterious and dreamy.

Thanks for your comments

Author's Reply:

Elfstone on 2004-02-03 13:36:41
Re: Misty
This is lovely Capricorn; very evocative. I particularly like " soft embrace of lacy tears".
Elfstone.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-05 17:02:49
Re: Misty
Thankyou Elfstone ... I'm glad you liked this!

Author's Reply:


Silhouettes (posted on: 23-01-04)
A poem for children

Silhouettes (a revision) The sun reclines his weary head, as crimson ribbons trim the shadowed sky, where snug in bed his dazzle fades to dim. His radiance smoulders into night and silhouettes the scene of blackened trees; a vivid sight against the rosy sheen. Then moonbeams shimmer, join the mirth of dancing stars, that rush to shimmy o'er the sleeping earth, until the dawn says… husssh. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Silhouettes The sun reclines his weary head; long crimson ribbons trim the shady sky, where snug in bed he fades from bright to dim. His blaze will smoulder into night and silhouette the scene of blackened trees; a vivid sight against the rosy sheen. Moonbeams appear to join the mirth of dancing stars, that rush to shimmy with the shadowed earth, until the dawn says… sssh!
Archived comments for Silhouettes
ritawrites on 2004-01-23 04:59:18
Re: Silhouettes
a lovely poem – which age group would it be for I wonder – if you made a few words simpler, I think a wider age group could enjoy it – e.g. instead of ‘reclines’ ‘lays’ – that kind of thing – just a suggestion of course –

Author's Reply:

uppercase on 2004-01-23 12:16:23
Re: Silhouettes
Perfect little poem for young and old I liked it very much.Erma

Author's Reply:

Sabrina on 2004-01-24 01:09:49
Re: Silhouettes
This is a pleasant and evocative poem constructed with alternating lines of iambic tetrametre and iambic trimetre. Iambic metre always gives me the feeling of story telling, it gives an Irish lilt to the rhythm. Perhaps it was unintentional, but your first three stanza line endings are in solid consonants like the closing of doors, the last stanza endings are soft like the drifting off into sleep.

Author's Reply:

Sunken on 2004-01-24 06:52:08
Re: Silhouettes
This is beautiful. I think this could easilly appeal to a wider age range though, not just the kiddies? Anyway, very nicely written. It has, however, made me very sleepy........ (head falls against screen)


sunken

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-25 17:19:16
Re: Silhouettes
I'm not too sure what age yet, Rita I originally did start it off

"The sun lays down his weary head"

but at the time I thought I was writing for adults so changed it to what I have now. Then someone suggested it reminded them of a lullaby for children and I have been wondering since whether to go back to my original first line.
Thanks for your thoughts on this.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-25 17:20:16
Re: Silhouettes
I am so glad you enjoyed this Erma ... thanks

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-25 17:26:07
Re: Silhouettes
Thank you for your comments Sabrina I love iambic meter too ... gives a lovely rhythm. Yes it was unintentional the way I used my consonants, but you have made me think on that for the future.Strong consonants fot stress and soft ones for softness. Thanks for your thoughts.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-25 17:29:06
Re: Silhouettes
Hope you had a nice sleep Sunken? Thankyou for confirming what I hoped ...that this could be one for adults too.

Author's Reply:

britgrrl on 2004-01-25 18:17:11
Re: Silhouettes
I found this just exquisite imagery:
long crimson ribbons trim
the shady sky

and the whole of the following verse:

His blaze will smoulder into night
and silhouette the scene
of blackened trees; a vivid sight
against the rosy sheen.

Your poem is absolutely beautiful read aloud, the rhyme and rhythm lilting and unforced. I agree with Sabrina, you seem to instinctively know how to use all those lovely soft hushing sounds for your drop-off-to-sleep ending. A well crafted piece! Shelagh

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-28 18:54:31
Re: Silhouettes
Thank you so much for your very encouraging comments. I enjoyed writing this as much as you enjoyed reading it.

Author's Reply:


Tidy Twigs (posted on: 16-01-04)
A modern sonnet

A revision As morning sunrays weave across the sky reality now dawns; my chick has grown. You fluttered restless wings and squawked goodbye then left this ancient tree; my fledgling's flown. This nest is lifeless, empty nooks are filled with memories, devoid of fuss or strife. Time's fingers seem to linger. I rebuild bare twigs, extend old wings, explore new life. Remember chirruped warnings, while you glide above dark clouds with care. I'll prune this nest and tidy twigs, forget the fears I hide. So preen your feathers, zoom the skies with zest. I'll cluck around my brood, in reverie `til you wing home, to roost in this old tree. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As morning sunrays weave across fresh sky reality now dawns … my chick has grown. You spread unsteady wings and squawked goodbye then left this ancient tree … my fledgling's flown. This nest is lifeless, empty nooks are filled with memories; I blanket over strife. Time's fingers slowly linger; I rebuild bare twigs and stretch old wings, explore new life. Remember chirruped warnings, while you glide above dark clouds with care. I'll prune this nest and tidy twigs, forget the fears I hide. So preen your feathers, zoom the skies with zest; I'll cluck around my brood, in reverie `til you wing home, to roost in this old tree.
Archived comments for Tidy Twigs
barenib on 2004-01-16 07:21:34
Re: Tidy Twigs
Enjoyed this very much - nice to have a sonnet now and then!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-16 17:43:37
Re: Tidy Twigs
Thanks for reading and commenting on this...glad you enjoyed it. I do write a sonnets sometimes...good fun!

Author's Reply:

ritawrites on 2004-01-17 04:29:21
Re: Tidy Twigs
quite beautiful – enjoyed the read..

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-17 14:45:49
Re: Tidy Twigs
Thanks Rita ... glad you enjoyed!

Author's Reply:

gouri on 2004-01-18 03:13:07
Re: Tidy Twigs
A beautiful poem.

Liked this:
'I rebuild
bare twigs and stretch old wings, explore new life.'

Love the last two lines and specially these words:
'to roost in this old tree.'

A good read.

Gouri:)



Author's Reply:

shackleton on 2004-01-18 11:08:43
Re: Tidy Twigs
Hi Capricorn. Good structure - enjoyed it. The do occasionally need a gentle nudge to fly the nest. Nice one.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-19 17:19:46
Re: Tidy Twigs
Hi Gouri ... thank you for your comments on my poem. It was good to see the parts that you liked most. That was most encouraging.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-19 17:23:18
Re: Tidy Twigs
Hi Shackleton ... Glad you enjoyed this one. I wrote the original when my youngest left to go to University a year ago, but recently decided to change it to a sonnet.

Author's Reply:

Sabrina on 2004-01-30 12:53:34
Re: Tidy Twigs
I tucked this one away to read with a nice cup of tea near the window with the view of my garden. I know how challenging sonnets are and you've done a wonderful modern adaptation. Do you think a body can carry a word over from one line to the next? e.g." ...replac/ing the..." Because I've done this in one of mine and I don't know if it's "sonnet legal" Will write again with more after a leisurely read.

Author's Reply:

Sabrina on 2004-01-30 12:56:43
Re: Tidy Twigs
My son wants to rate this a 10. He understood the metaphor of empty nest syndrome immediately as I read it aloud to him. He actually got teary eyed.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-01 19:32:33
Re: Tidy Twigs
Aw ...that's nice Sabrina, good to have a comment from a `chick' How old is he? Thank him very much!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-02-01 19:41:09
Re: Tidy Twigs
Hello again!
I would say technically speaking, carrying a word from one line to the next isn't acceptable. When you write in meter you have to be much stricter than free verse. When I've had a similar problem, I've managed to re-organise words in the line to avoid this (although it does take some thinkin out) or you may be able to find a single syllable word that means the same. Good Luck!

Author's Reply:


Survival in the Wild (posted on: 12-01-04)
This creature survives in the wild. How do you survive in your life?

Survival (Revision) I wait … ensconced in my umbrageous hide as unsuspecting creatures forage near. My escalating hunger can't subside; their odours permeate the atmosphere. Vibrations stir the undergrowth – I smell a rat through flicking tongue and lie stock-still, disguised in leaves. Anticipation swells; unfocused vision won't impede my skill. Strike! … I quickly coil around him; death's embrace, his limbs grow limp. Deprived of claws, I seize head-on and taste his final breath, while peristalsis draws him through my jaws. Engorged, I glide towards my hiding place where shadows camouflage from passing beast; assailable I curl, yet heed them pace nearby, as I digest this rodent feast. ----------------------------------------------------- Concealed from view as predators approach. my shadowed hide; I taste familiar scent. Beware if creeping close you might encroach my dark domain; secluded I'm content. When prey is near I flick my tongue to lick the air around. I sense his smell and guess his spot with skill. When certain I'll be quick to slither out and ... strike! ...with great success. I coil around his trunk to keep him still and crush his bones until the final breath. His body limp, my hunger feels a thrill to satisfy, as I induce his death. My jaws then opens wide to gross extent, a face unrecognisable to see. I have no paws to serve in my intent as I engorge the feast, before I flee. Revitalised, my banquet I digest. With bloated belly, I proceed to thrive; I glide away from my victorious quest, to hide behind a stone…where I'll survive.
Archived comments for Survival in the Wild
e-griff on 2004-01-12 10:22:16
Re: Survival in the Wild
OK, without getting into the old debate. you certainly know your metre and rhyme (although the stress on 'conquest' is a bit 'stressful' IMO)

I have read the two on the crit site and your last posted one. - And yes, you have tried something a little different in the lines of this one.

But it is yet another 4-line per verse, ABAB poem. like your others.

I would like to see you try something else. 'Witches' had power and entertainment value aside from the form. with the others the form prevails and the meaning is less immediate than witches. If you are going to use a 'plain vanilla' form to carry your ideas, they better be pretty damn interesting and grab the reader, or they may become boring. Shape and form can add interest and life to a poem, just as a good tune, with key changes and unexpected melodies, can enhance the words of a song.. End of sermon. ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

ritawrites on 2004-01-12 15:08:09
Re: Survival in the Wild
I don’t survive in mine very well at all – the python (or any other slow, big snake species) does not survive very well either – most are on the endangered list –

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-12 19:12:40
Re: Survival in the Wild
Oh please call it a friendly discussion griff, a sermon makes me feel I'll burn in hell if I don't behave!~LoL~

I'm glad you noticed the stress on conquest is wrong...that line has been niggling me for a while, but I hadn't figured out what was wrong. Now I can sort it out...thanks!
Yes, I have tried a little more enjambent in the lines here, as it does detract from the rhymes and make it less `sing-songy'. As for the content, I don't think it's everyone's cup of tea. I wrote it for fun, after watching one of my cornsnakes eating... a lot different in the wild of course. I have sometimes found fellow reptile lovers through posting poems about my creatures, although I think most people think I am a bit ...strange?!~ha ha!~

I quite agree that poems should differ in form to keep things interesting. I have written others in different rhyme schemes, longer verses and irregular stanzas... you just haven't seen them. I've also tried some modern sonnets, haiku and (as I am Welsh) hope to try some Welsh forms this year. Trouble is there are never enough hours in a day.
Thanks for your interest


Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-12 19:18:29
Re: Survival in the Wild
I know the feeling Rita, life can be an uphill struggle sometimes.

Yes...the snake in my poem may have survived but life does get tougher for them in the wild these days...thanks to mankind!

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-12 20:00:45
Re: Survival in the Wild
Just remembered griff...`Kisses' is an aabb rhyme scheme...not the best to my mind as it makes the rhyme more obvious

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-12 20:27:23
Re: Survival in the Wild
I've taken on board your suggestion griff and tried one long stanza for the body of this poem...so I now have a beginning...the middle which tells the story...and the end

Author's Reply:

BBSea on 2004-01-13 01:38:18
Re: Survival in the Wild
I enjoyed the comments and the poem has atmosphere and many good expressions. It is not so direct as I would like (I am not sure if that is the word I mean so I should crawl away to let it digest - my joke is not so good!)

Author's Reply:

e-griff on 2004-01-13 04:27:22
Re: Survival in the Wild
oops! *red face* well, you know what I..........

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-13 18:42:15
Re: Survival in the Wild
I know just what you mean by direct (I think)...needs more impact? I do agree with you. This is the first revision of my original poem and I feel I've got nearer the atmosphere I want here, but I still feel it needs to be more...dramatic...is that what you mean too? I tend to revise poems a few times before I feel really happy with them so perhaps next time I'll get there. thanks for your comments

Author's Reply:

shackleton on 2004-01-14 14:14:46
Re: Survival in the Wild
H Capricorn. I enjoyed your poem. I can almost equate this creature with the human race. Good one.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-15 07:47:12
Re: Survival in the Wild
Hi Shakleton...Glad you enjoyed this one. Yes ... I think sometimes humans will do all sorts to survive and I did have this at the back of my mind when I wrote the poem.

Author's Reply:


The Witch's Potion (posted on: 09-01-04)


(Revision) Contempt is sprinkled with obsession's spice and blended with revenge 'til steaming hot intolerance is added to entice demonic thoughts, then stirred within the pot. The potion's mixed, an effervescent brew intended to intoxicate your soul. Succumb to drink and you'll begin to stew as evil tongues will swiftly take control. Seduced, you drool and sip a drop at first until you're hooked on poison from that cup, then guzzle quickly, quench your urgent thirst and feel the fury slowly bubble up. The madness bursts, its malice swiftly surges through your veins as hands begin to shake with rage; your tongue's ungovernable urges whip your prey with words, until he aches. When normalcy resumes, you feel a chill to see the wretch still smarting from the smack your words have dealt. Then sorrow overspills in disbelief at your possessed attack. Remorse outpours too late; respect is rent. As fires of wrath die out, the witch now leaves, her mischief made. Emotions fully spent, you start to wonder – ''What did I achieve?'' ----------------------------------------------------------- (Original) The witch concocts a foul, ferocious brew for pent-up feelings, deep inside your soul. Vile devil's tongues with gobs of venom stew; If you succumb to drink you'll lose control. Tirade is seasoned with emotion's spice, revenge is stirred and simmered in her pot. Impatience, envy, sprinkled to entice a craving lust; imbibed while it's still hot. Seduced you drool so sip it slow at first until you're hooked on poison from her cup, then guzzle quick to quench an urgent thirst and feel that fury slowly bubble up. When through your veins her vicious venom flows, your head begins to spin and hands will shake; with gasping breath, a toxic tongue will grow a fiery flame, to make poor victims quake. Wild fury throbs to burst out from its shell and strike with blazing words that burn with pain. Your face becomes a demon out of hell, while rampant raging tongues induce disdain. This monstrous mixture clouds your mind, but clears when deadly words are drained and tempers ebb. The ugly ogre slowly disappears and prey escapes from angers tangled web. Yet sorrow flows too late if hearts are rent, when fires of wrath die out the hag will leave her mischief made. Emotions fully spent, you start to wonder … what did I achieve?
Archived comments for The Witch's Potion
Sunny on 2004-01-11 04:35:59
Re: The Witch's Potion
Oh, yes. I have had a sip (or two) of this potion! Good read.

Author's Reply:

e-griff on 2004-01-11 05:57:45
Re: The Witch's Potion
People will tell you that this poem is old fashioned and there is 'no market' for this.

However, I think this is technically well done in metre and rhyme, albeit simple. And the content is very powerful, carrying us along - so I can forgive it for being unfashionable - what the hell.

enjoyed the read
an oldie but a goodie IMO! ๐Ÿ™‚

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-11 20:00:42
Re: The Witch's Potion
Yes I think we've all had a sip or two, Sunny. Thanks for commenting.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 2004-01-11 20:06:56
Re: The Witch's Potion
Thanks for commenting griff...glad you enjoyed the read. I hope I'm not forced to drink the potion again for quite a while ~wink~

Author's Reply:

CleanMan on 21-11-2005
The Witch
Good work. The rhythm and rhyme are good, and the idea behind it is original and well executed. I enjoyed this.

Author's Reply:

Capricorn on 23-11-2005
The Witch
Hi Cleanman -- thanks for your encouraging comments.

Author's Reply: