This is a really atmospheric, evocative piece of verse. I love the car anology = the snarl, sneer and snort. Worthy of the nomination as it stands. I do think it could do with another review, though. “We tidy up rising’ reads as one single action. ‘The car. The car” is an inelegant repeat for me? Perhaps you could also leave out ‘back’, in ‘back to the car’. And ‘into the lock’ after ‘she inserts the key’. It makes it seem less of a simple statement of fact for me..
Cheers,
Jim
A very atmospheric poem full of imagery describing the alienation of two people. The line “The kids have gone- to God knows where” suggests to me that this is due to the empty net syndrome which has created a vacuum in their relationship. Yet ordinary rituals, like a picnic, are still performed by the couple who are in denial about the break up.
Excellent writing, Aramis. Well done.
Nice one, elf. This is a shakespearean sonnet. Just for your info, there are other types of sonnet with different forms but none as popular – for instance a Russian sonnet is also normally five feet to a line, but can have three four, or six. The original sonnets (Italian) had a abba rhyme pattern but English sonnets are always abab.
(there – Thankyou Google)
My thanks egriff for your thoughts on this. I always seem to write Shakespearean sonnets rather than Petrarchan and I have no idea why that is; it’s just the way they come to me. Glad you approve of this one. 🙂 Elfstone
Excellent story. My dad was in the auxiliary airforce after the war and I remember they went to sylt for the summer camp in the 50’s. He brought me back a mouth organ, which was the prompt for me years later taking up the blues harmonica.
Every fighter squadron went to Sylt for live air firing. Bloody marvellous place. There was a naturist area there aptly named (by the RAF) Barearse Beach. Flying the tug was a task most pilots tried to avoid like a dose of the clap!
Sky, I worked on aircraft communications mainly Vampire and Venoms. My colleages and I used to cadge lift in old prop planes used for navigator training – to away football matches and concerts at the royal festival hall. We flew as aircrew, had parachutes but were never told how to use them 😉 Not as exciting as your experiences but not bad for national servicemen. Nice to see you back here, I have just recently returned to give it a try. Always enjoy reading about RAF experiences…
Gerry.
Very evocative, descriptive but not overwritten. I got the picture of an old guy, alone, in a seaside town in winter with just his memories for company.
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