Falling in Love (not edited)

Wholesomeness

poems separately posted

 

special thanks to Alison, Bhi and Guaj.


 

As people pass by,
I think of proximity,
bodies that stop
at nothing, ours.
Senses unleashed,
tasting each other’s
comfort, as people
pass us by, we kiss,
knowing the more we
do, the closer we get.

 

Athens, 2019

© ifyouplease 2020
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critique and comments welcome.
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Bhi

You don’t need “ours” in the 4th line. Its implied that it is yours and your lovers, and omitting it will also expand it to others who are feeling the same as you.

Guaj

Hi Nicoletta
I kind of agree with b
I think removing the our at this point strengthens the poem
I f you fell you need our
Maybe it would work by beginning the next line with:
our senses unleashed, tasting ……. etc
This add strength and eroticism the word ‘tasting’
And a raw fresh new love is nothing if not erotic

Guaj

I like the changes and thanks for for the mention. I have to admit, on re-reading this poem I focussed on the word ‘taste’ and the intense feeling of passionate love when you want to know every square centimetre of your lover’s body. To feel the texture of skin in every curve and nook, the smell of hair, body, sweat. Taste all of this and also parts you feel belong only to both of you. I think the, almost animal feel of passion is woven deeply into this piece. If that is what you were aiming for, you have nailed… Read more »

Stormwolf

Holy moly! Hot stuff. Intimacy on steroids!
I think you should maybe ditch second ‘pass by’? I get it that it exacerbates the intense ‘goings on’ between two people engrossed in each other but just for nit picking’s sake? 😉
Boy, does that bring back memories btw .

Alison xx

Last edited 1 month ago by stormwolf
Stormwolf

I totally got that Nic.
I just felt the repetition was unnecessary. xx

Stormwolf

yes, walk by / pass by/ drift by/

yes you keep the feeling and the meaning, you just reframe it.
Even jostle…as though even the jarring of passing bodies does not interfere with the lover’s intentions in their own erotic world 😉

Stormwolf

Looks great now Nic!
I am amazed how well it does work. Jostling crowds passing by unaware of the intimate happenings with two people lost in one another.

Alison x

Griffonner

Really lovely expression about the giddy, exciting, magical, addictive experience, told from a different but wonderful viewpoint. This is something that I will remember.

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