Help Save the Mentally Healthy


Help save the mentally healthy!

Spare some change for the non-deranged bluffers

neatly arranged and suffering under

the smothering weight of their

strange mediocrity,

oblivious to danger

in their earplugged hypocrisy

and their boring office shoes and shirts,

ignoring obviously bruised and hurt hearts because

society told them to, because

propriety rolled them into

blinkered balls of “I’m safe here

behind the bunker walls where I can’t taste fear

behind my mortgage and career

and one point six children

where everything’s peachy.”


Help save the mentally healthy

with their preachy


about how we should just be nice

to ice-hearted shysters whom we loved

and who sliced us

into cut-price fudge without thinking twice,

how we shouldn’t bear a grudge

against those who won’t budge

from judging us to be lower than sludge because we

stand up for ourselves,

because we slash back with passion and anger

and don’t slouch in languor under servile spells.


Help save the mentally healthy

with their indifferent inability to consider

why some people’s spirits

lie in millions of bits

and some people’s pints of bitterness are spilling

because instead

they’ve got an income tax form to fill in,

which is a genuine problem.


Help save the mentally healthy

with their failures to see

that there’s only plenty of fish in the sea

if you swim with the tide

and the twenty thousand other trout

all spouting their self-deluded


never-doubting notions

that the earth is a surfable ocean

of perfectly straightforward



like “Everything that’s distorted in the world

is because of someone with a pale-coloured nob,

so shut your privileged gob”,

or “Of course Nine-Eleven wasn’t an inside job

you intellectual slob, don’t submit

to the mob of crackpot nut-jobs,

our governments are here to protect us

and they respect us, obviously, because

blah blah blah democracy blah blah blah,

there’s never more than meets the eye,”

always full of answers

but empty of questions

like “Why?”


Help save the mentally healthy

with their repetitive obsessive objectives

to fit in,

by hook or by crook

to fit into the narrowest nook

and do


by the book.


And the book says

Mentally Healthy Personality Disorder, or MHPD, is a delusional mental illness affecting

around eighty-five per cent of the general population. The list of criteria that must be met

for diagnosis, as outlined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is

as follows:


One. An exaggerated sense of one’s own normality, well-adjustment and propriety.


Two. Black and white thinking and a belief in simple solutions to complex problems.


Three. The substitution of actually helping or listening to or caring about people with the

use of phrases such as “Just get over it” and “Just pull yourself together” and “Just do

what everybody else does”.


Four. A complete inability to comprehend intense passionate emotion, or greatness, or

destiny, or alienation, or disaster.


Five. A complete inability and unwillingness to think outside the narrow confines of what

society finds acceptable and follow one’s human intuition and nature.


Help save the mentally healthy!

Just six pounds a month

can buy a bunch of egg-whisks

for them to thump themselves over the head with

to help them see the misty futility of life,

that comes as part of a Swiss Navy utility knife

they can plunge and twist into their heart

to remind them that it exists.






From “Disoccidented” by Alfie Shoyger:


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