Limericks

There was an old churchman from Limerick

who believed his behaviour was chivalric,

for he only would force

himself on a horse

in the boundaries of his own bishopric.

 

There was a young lady from Penge

whose minge was as wide as Stonehenge.

Her vaginal fluids

would froth like some druids

were brewing a spell of revenge.

 

There once was a young man from Norwich

who squirted his panhandle-porridge

into his sister.

Their son could play Twister

but not tell a spade from a sausage.

 

A rent-boy who came like a gunshot

would stuff his sore arse with a kumquat,

which made things more naughty

and earned him six forty.

That’s still a bit more than his Mum got.

 

A well-hung young butcher from Basingstoke

gave his wife such a storming, hair-raising poke

that she screamed up to heaven,

their tortoise was deafened

and half of the new double-glazing broke.

 

There was a young actress from Portishead

who gave Shakespeare’s grandsons and -daughters head

to advance her career.

In the bar, post-“King Lear”,

she spat love-juice across a reporter’s head.

 

A caviar merchant from Rostov

liked, under his desk, being tossed off

and played like a flute

by a man in a suit,

till his wiry long pubes made his boss cough.

 

There was a young lady from Spitzbergen

who watched, with excitement, her tits burgeon.

Her Dad said, “Such talents!

If you lose your balance,

we’ll phone a well-skilled tuck-and-nip surgeon.”

 

A frustrated young wordsmith from Besigheim

thought, “Christ! This is such a hard place to rhyme

that I’ll just have a wank

up the wall of the bank

instead,” and he had an amazing time.

 

A frustrated young wordsmith from Walthamstow

thought, “Have I once fucked in a foursome? No!

I’ll get my ad seen

in a slags’ magazine,

so the finest fit sluts in all whoredom know.”

 

An intelligent Feminist chick

once boomed, “You misogynist prick!

You cannot say ‘slut’,

you wanker! Case shut!

You must have a minuscule dick!”

 

There was a young slut from East Grimsby

whose sexual standards were flimsy.

She let the boys plunder

till, bored stiff, she wondered,

“How juicy can other girls’ quims be?”

 

There was a young man from Bilbao

who tried to have sex with a cow.

But this was Pamplona.

He soon lost his boner.

The beast drilled its horns through his brow.

 

 

 

—————————————————————————————————–

 

From “Disoccidented” by Alfie Shoyger:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Disoccidented-Alfie-Shoyger/dp/1999922859

 

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