There was an old churchman from Limerick
who believed his behaviour was chivalric,
for he only would force
himself on a horse
in the boundaries of his own bishopric.
There was a young lady from Penge
whose minge was as wide as Stonehenge.
Her vaginal fluids
would froth like some druids
were brewing a spell of revenge.
There once was a young man from Norwich
who squirted his panhandle-porridge
into his sister.
Their son could play Twister
but not tell a spade from a sausage.
A rent-boy who came like a gunshot
would stuff his sore arse with a kumquat,
which made things more naughty
and earned him six forty.
That’s still a bit more than his Mum got.
A well-hung young butcher from Basingstoke
gave his wife such a storming, hair-raising poke
that she screamed up to heaven,
their tortoise was deafened
and half of the new double-glazing broke.
There was a young actress from Portishead
who gave Shakespeare’s grandsons and -daughters head
to advance her career.
In the bar, post-“King Lear”,
she spat love-juice across a reporter’s head.
A caviar merchant from Rostov
liked, under his desk, being tossed off
and played like a flute
by a man in a suit,
till his wiry long pubes made his boss cough.
There was a young lady from Spitzbergen
who watched, with excitement, her tits burgeon.
Her Dad said, “Such talents!
If you lose your balance,
we’ll phone a well-skilled tuck-and-nip surgeon.”
A frustrated young wordsmith from Besigheim
thought, “Christ! This is such a hard place to rhyme
that I’ll just have a wank
up the wall of the bank
instead,” and he had an amazing time.
A frustrated young wordsmith from Walthamstow
thought, “Have I once fucked in a foursome? No!
I’ll get my ad seen
in a slags’ magazine,
so the finest fit sluts in all whoredom know.”
An intelligent Feminist chick
once boomed, “You misogynist prick!
You cannot say ‘slut’,
you wanker! Case shut!
You must have a minuscule dick!”
There was a young slut from East Grimsby
whose sexual standards were flimsy.
She let the boys plunder
till, bored stiff, she wondered,
“How juicy can other girls’ quims be?”
There was a young man from Bilbao
who tried to have sex with a cow.
But this was Pamplona.
He soon lost his boner.
The beast drilled its horns through his brow.
From “Disoccidented” by Alfie Shoyger: