UKArchive ID: 30073

Cuthbert, the ol' poacher
by andrea
Originally published on April 5, 2013 in Doggerel        

Wrote this for a challenge on Another Site. You had to write a pome or story with ‘I could not believe what came in the door’ as the first line.

(to be read in Benny Hill-type voice)

I could not believe what came in the door,
t’was Cuthbert, the poacher, who’d brought me some more
rabbits and pheasant to cook for me tea.
A fine-looking cove, our Cuthbert, was he.

We met long ago when lust blossomed still
(both Cuthbert and me are now over the hill)
He’d wooed me right ‘ard with a nice tasty stew
Rabbit ‘n’ pig, there was goat in there, too.

Me and my Cuth, we got stuck right in,
(washed nicely down with a bottle of gin).
And after our nosh, feeling greatly repleted
away to the sofa we went, to be seated.

Now Cuthbert he looked like a mighty fine gent,
but alas, his poor *snake was decidedly bent.
Try as he might, it just would not rise,
So I looked poor ol’ Cuth right in the eyes.

‘Cuthbert’, quoth I, by this time frustrated,
(’twas eons ago since I had last mated)
‘Never mind tryin’ to go through the motion,
get thee online and purchase some potion.

So Cuthbert he bought some Cialis right quick.
(amazing the difference it made to his dick).
So now no more poaching, take it as read,
we’re spending our time in the bedroom, instead.

* Ref to Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s ‘ one-eyed trouser snake’, for the uninitiated.

 photo one-eyed-trouser-snake-269x300_zpsa49e658c.gif

© andrea (Andrea on OLD UKA)

UKArchive ID: 30073
Archived comments for Cuthbert, the ol’ poacher

ChairmanWow on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Ribald and fun verse Andrea. Old Benny Hill, I remember those skits. When we were teenagers my sister hated him and made me change the channel.. I've always needed anti-cialis myself. Could have kept me out of a lot of trouble.


Author’s Reply:
Haha, he was a card alright ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for reading Ralph ๐Ÿ™‚

Fox-Cragg on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Oh yes Andrea, can remember well old Peter and Duds and of the one eyed trouser snake, great read.

Of course today we have advanced to the 'little blue pill'

Thanks for sharing.


Author’s Reply:
Thanks Paul. Haven't written anything for ages – gratifying that you enjoyed it ๐Ÿ™‚

amman on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Ha Ha . Tickled my fancy. Definitely needs a Benny Hill type voice. Glad to hear that Cuth turned out to be an upright gent in the end.


Author’s Reply:
Yep, straight as a die, our Cuthbert ๐Ÿ™‚ Ta for the read, Amman.

cooky on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Very entertaining and funny. Excellent write.

Author’s Reply:
Thanks cooky, much obliged ๐Ÿ™‚

OldPeculier on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
I was expecting an in depth description of the ol' poacher's character, his attitudes to society and his place in the hierarchy of country life.

But this was better by miles!

Author’s Reply:
Haha, ta OP.

pommer on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Ha Ha , very funny, I can hear Bernard Miles reading this as well as Benny hill.A lovely example of performance poetry. Pommer

Author’s Reply:
Thanks pommer, much obliged

*Dashes off to Google who Bernard Miles is*

Cor blimey, just looked him up – thanks pommer, what a compliment!

Weefatfella on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
 photo 6476617c-792a-4c7b-a60f-b80676cd1938_zps5eb0b534.jpg

It's an awffiie thing yie huv tae dae.

Tae git a pesinus forced oot tae play.

Wie chemnicals, and ungents as well.

Tae try tae git that wee dick tae swell.

When aw that's needed is swell creators

Them that's called”phosphodiesterase inhibitors. Well it's the best I could do at short notice. Bloody Good larf Andrea. Hud a wee giggle there! Weefatfella.

 photo 019b876a-c55d-4f4c-bf00-d1b186824833_zps6e1f6e92.jpg

Author’s Reply:
You are a very naught boy WFF – for shame!

ValDohren on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Ha ha ha, very funny Andrea – just great, what more can I say !!

Val ๐Ÿ™‚

Author’s Reply:
Thanks very much Val, glad you enjoyed ๐Ÿ™‚

Rupe on 05-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
A fine, rolicking read. What's impressive about this is that you make it look so easy, and yet it's anything but. The metre and rhyme are perfect, no words are wasted, the narrative licks along at pace, and the punchline at the end is superbly judged.

For some reason, I imagined it being narrated by Julia Deakin, who played the landlady in Spaced.


Author’s Reply:
Wow, thanks Rupe, muchly obliged and flattered. Will go look Ms Deakin up now ๐Ÿ™‚

Ionicus on 06-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
I find this hilarious, Andrea. Your writing never falters and it appeals to my sense of humour. It is surprising that people on the other site don't seem to appreciate it (so few reads and no comments!). “ร€ chacun son goรปt”, I suppose but one would expect some feedback.

Luigi x

Author’s Reply:
Thanks Luigi ๐Ÿ™‚ As regards The Other Site, it's probably largely my fault, as I never have time to read and comment much on other people's work – enough to do on here!

Ta again


stormwolf on 06-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
OOOOH you are awful….but I like you! Okay, okay that's ole Dick Emery but seemed fitting. ๐Ÿ™‚

I was able to read it right through with my Benny Hill voice as I can recite 'Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west' complete.

Built up to a crescendo of anticipation and the last stanza was pure brill (so was the rest)

Alison x

Author’s Reply:
Good ol' flithy Benny, eh? Don't make 'em like that anymore. alas. Glad it made you titter and here he is!

(ta to whoever nibbed me as well!)

Mikeverdi on 06-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
Truly wonderful, Its taken me a while to get here but I glad I caught this one; for a 'none poet' your bloody good! Mike

Author’s Reply:
Hahaha, thanks Mike. It ain't propah poetry though, just a bit o' silly verse ๐Ÿ™‚

shadow on 06-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
This gave me a really good laugh – thanks, I needed that!

Author’s Reply:
Nothing like a good laugh, I always say ๐Ÿ™‚ Ta for the read and comment…

freya on 08-04-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
So Andrea, you take up challenges on other sites too, huh? Bet the web meister there had no idea what was coming in the door from you! Funny stuff, boss. Must say I was smitten by the look in the eyes of your one eyed snake. Reminds me of someone…. er…maybe the organist at the Kinema in the Woods???

Author’s Reply:
They don't seem to like my stuff much on The Other Site, but is this a bovvered face?

Ta for the read, Freya, much appreciated ๐Ÿ™‚

rcc on 12-05-2013
Cuthbert (the ol poacher)
“We met long ago when lust blossomed still

(both Cuthbert and me are now over the hill)”

that is just the best!!! gfp,,,,,,,a great lyrical read. thank you-………peace-robert

Author’s Reply:
Wow, thanks Robert for the read and very generous rating!

Texasgreg on 20-06-2016
Cuthbert, the ol poacher
Probably put too much tea in his gin. Just shake it straight and it should fit right in. 😉

Funny 'un, Andrea!


Author’s Reply:
Awwww, thanks, Greg. And lovely to see you! How's that kid of yours doing?


Texasgreg on 22-06-2016
Cuthbert, the ol poacher
How nice of you to recall! Thorn in my side and arrow in my heart, he is…gotta love 'em lest ya get a boot caught in their hind end. Apple and tree, you know. 😉

Do hope all is well with you and yours also…


Author’s Reply:
Not too bad thanks, Greg. Curious about that election of yours in November!