 |
 |
UKA Content |
 |
|
Keep UKA Writing! |
|
 |
|
Here's how you can pay your £10 annual subscription fee
Please consider donating. Every little bit helps!
Recent donations :
2010
17 Feb Anon
3 Mar Anon
4 Mar woodbine
23 Mar Gee
7 May Anon
13 May e-griff
14 June Anon
24 July chrissy
Your generosity is very much appreciated. Every penny is vital and helps keep your site going.
|
|
 |
|
WHO'S ONLINE |
|
|
|
| You are a Guest on UKAuthors. Register now by clicking here
| | Guests Online: | 97 |
|
|
|
|
Random Story |
|
| |
 There is no audio for this submission |
|
Poetry: Alan 19-04-2010 - by Bevvy
(79 words) |
|
|
 This harks back to my teenage years, but is still fresh in my mind.
Alan, Alan Atkinson.
The force of my youthful lust
was focussed on your name,
your dark, tangled curls,
your rangy teenage frame.
In the depths of the fragrant barn,
you held in your moistened lips
a segment of soft satsuma -
transferred it into mine.
I crushed it between my teeth
and the sharp citrus sweetness
exploded in my mouth.
The brief touch of your tongue had tingled
the parts of me I hardly knew.
Alan, Alan Atkinson,
Many years ago.
02/04/2010
Critique/comments welcome
Average Score: 9 / Votes: 2
 Printer Friendly Page  Send to a Friend
 |
|
|
Comment posted by stormwolf
(19-04-2010 01:54)
Send stormwolf a Private
Message | OMG This took me back to the barn dances we used to have in the highland town where I lived. Never more at home than in the place that spoke of horses and the love of hay barn since childhood. I had a similar experience (minus the satsuma;-))
You captured the feeling of teenage magic where everything is magnified..desire, closeness, beating heart and blossoming sexuality.
This was just exquiste with a sort of bitter sweet taste to it also.
The urge is always to see, feel and dream as we did back then whan everything was so vividly felt.
An amazing poem that took me back like smelling a familiar scent.
Alison x | rated 10 |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
Thank you so much, Alison, for the '10' and the 'hot story'. I'm really glad the poem resonated with your experiences in the way you describe. I lost touch with Alan a long time ago but still remember that magic moment from time to time.
Thanks again,
Bev
x |
Comment posted by e-griff
(19-04-2010 02:24)
Send e-griff a Private
Message | a sweet moment indeed. Certainly a nice scene, memory that most people will understand and relate to - and some nice description.
However, for me it is let down by the rhyme. In the first verse, you have rhymed 'name' and 'frame' , so when I get to '... into mine' I'm brought up short (as I expect a rhyme for 'lips' somewhere) , so the interruption rather spoiled it for me. I would say, either use rhyme, or don't - that's your choice, but mixing the two is not good for a reader, especially the way round it is. It is said that a reader 'gets' the rhythm and rhyme or form of a poem with in the first lines, and then proceeds in that pattern, whatever it may be. While some modifications (changes in the length of lines, a switch of rhyme in a regular pattern) add interest and variety to a poem, a major one off change like the one here doesn't. | |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
Mm, yes, e-griff,
You may have a point about the rhyme at the beginning. For that reason I set it apart from the rest of the poem but this may not work. (Actually, the rhyme came about by accident - most of my work only uses internal rhyming.)
What to do, what to do?
Let's see if anyone else comments on my conundrum.....
Love,
Bev |
Comment posted by e-griff
(19-04-2010 04:20)
Send e-griff a Private
Message | well, if it was accidental, you are not attached to it, so lose it by substituting another word - or you could just say 'focussed on you' - the last two lines work well I think, and changing 'frame' would spoil that last one. After all, you are clearly NOT focussed on his name - as you demonstrate (curls, rangy frame etc....)
I often suggest writing TWO poems in these circumstances (because I still like that name/frame rhyme as well :-) )
A poet's path is strewn with choice ...
Methinks the right ones make your 'voice'.
(hee-hee).
best, JohnG | |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
Hello again! I expect you're right on all of the above - I'll be taking the poem with me when I go away for a few days and work on it.
Many thanks for your suggestions,
Love,
Bev
x |
Comment posted by stormwolf
(19-04-2010 05:24)
Send stormwolf a Private
Message | Hi Again Bev
I just wanted to add after E-Griff's critique that I ,too find at times rymes sometimes form or the poem changes rhythm half way through. I never could think on whether I should change the whole scheme of things to make it uniform, orderly and textbook correct...
or being 'artists of words' should we be free to express ourselves any way that feels the passion is coming over. I did not rate your poem 10 in return for your generous rating on mine ;-) Neither am I in any way criticising E-Griff's critique for he has a seasoned eye to things and often gets right to the core of something......and we are always free to disagree.;-)
I found this poem to be absolutely delightful and full of girlish longing. That to me says that it is a success in my eyes. Of course poems can be altered and pruned but I loved it as it is .Alison x just a simple poetry lover ;-) | |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
Thank you Alison, for your thoughts on this piece. I feel exactly the same way about rhyme and rhythm. It's a conundrum all right!
As I said to e-griff earlier, I'm going away for a short time and I'll work on it - perhaps I'll be able to improve it, or even as he suggests, write two poems!
Many thanks,
lots of love,
Bev
x |
Comment posted by pdemitchell
(19-04-2010 05:54)
Send pdemitchell a Private
Message | Hi bevvy - I loved it but I did expect the form established in the first stanza to continue (it feels like two poems) so I had to re-read it but it's still okay for all that. I bet Alan's ears (and hopefully nothing else) are burning right now. Cheerz Mitch :-) | rated 8 |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
Hi Mitch,
I'm convinced enough to have a go at re-writing the poem and maybe write two!
I hope Alan doesn't read the poem, he may be married with children & grandchildren by now...
Thanks for your comments,
Love,
Bev
x |
Comment posted by e-griff
(19-04-2010 05:55)
Send e-griff a Private
Message | that's an interesting point above. my own view is taken generally from wise advice about a reader's point of view. of course, some poets say 'I write for myself'. In that case, you (they) can do what you like. But anyone presenting work to an audience (in whatever way) must surely take acount of their (the audience's) expectations, it's kinda polite, eh? (No I'm not Canadien).
Anyway, whatever we mutter on about, it's always your choice alone, toots. (oops, am I becoming Shywolf?)
my very best, JohnG | |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
I'm sure you're right, John. I'm going to do a re-write in the next few days.
Lots of love,
Bev
x |
Comment posted by sunken
(21-04-2010 11:26)
Send sunken a Private
Message | Hello Bevvy. I guess most people have had an Alan in their lives? I once had a neighbour named Alan, but I can assure you that we never shared a segment of soft Satsuma in the way that you described it! I've a good mind to call my lawyer! (-; If I remember correctly, said Alan moved to China with his wife. He worked for Michelin Tyres and they needed him in said China. What he didn't know about tyres wasn't worth knowing... To be frank, what he did know about tyres wasn't worth knowing. God he was boring. Tyres this and tyres that. It's all he ever banged on about. China are bloody welcome to him. Ahem. Sorry. We obviously have different Alan experiences. I'm happy to learn that yours was more agreeable. Good to see you around planet uka again. Well done on the nib. Commiserations on the Beagle.
s
u
n
k
e
n
 | |
|
|
|
Reply from Bevvy
Hello sunken,
Lovely to receive a top bark and a nib too! I feel doubly blessed.
Commiserations on your ex-neighbour, Alan.
Alans do vary quite a lot, I find.
Lots of love,
Bev
x |
|
|
|
|
Digg
del.icio.us
Furl
