Nothing too serious I was just suggesting a trim on S2 because I thought it was a bit wordy for example in S2 L3 you have two gerunds that stretch the line and later in S2 you have a double use of waves these could be combined in some way?
Please take this as just what it is a suggestion, it your poem and I love it as is.
Ah, now I see what you mean. You are right with your suggestion and I have changed the lines. Am very grateful, always like constructive criticism….thanks!
It will be a pity to lose the fine poetry you post on here. I always look forward to see what you bring us every Monday and Friday. This one is a good example of your work, it brings to mind a Lowry painting for me.
Thanksa lot – re Lowry I’ve a couple of his (prints of course) on my wall – I’m struck by the bent over ness of the figures compared with the tall straight mills and churches – says a lot to me anyhow 🙂
delightful to read and absorb, easy on the ear, I can see you welcome crit so If I could be so bold and ask you to take a look at S2 its just needs a trim to punch out the image you are giving us and its a delightful one but it gets a little lost in the words. I will look forward to reading more of your work. Best Keith
what lies beneath the painted smile, very powerful and solid internal rhymes and alliteration to get your tongue around what more could I ask for…send in the clowns.
Hi Keith,
Nice to know that you are still around. If you can’t be satirical about our current crop of politicians, you haven’t been watching the show… Thanks for visiting.
cheers,
Jim
Hi there,
“Bent double, like old beggars under sacks”… Really evocative verse. I was reminded of Wilfred Owen’s Dulce et Decorum. I hope there’s more to come.
cheers,
Jim
Thanks Jim – funnily enough I am on the threshold of giving up poetry altogether – the old black dog has its teeth around my ankles and ain’t letting go. Still mebbe it might be worth continuing. I’ll take a break maybe 🙂
ps Terry Street backed onto my street – I kinda knew the people Dunn described – I used to run a Free Shop and people would burst in and shoplift – it’s in the blood doncha know ? 🙂
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