Comments Stream

  • Jolen

    From jolen on The Red Rose.

    What a lovely gesture on your part, first of all. The poem then is a rhythmic testimony to love, to loss and to hope all in one go. Which isn’t always easy to accomplish, and yet you manage it here. Well done. I am sorry for your loss, but glad to read of your long life together and your commitment to her still. A lovely read.
    blessings,
    jolen

    Go to comment
    2017/06/16 at 8:39 am
    • Pommer

      From pommer on The Red Rose.

      Thank you so much Jolen for your very thoughtful comment and your condolences.Yes, it is a very sad loss after knowing each other for 70 years..I picked another one this morning.I am only grateful that Edna and I had such a happy relationship. once more thank you.
      Peter.

      Go to comment
      2017/06/18 at 4:53 pm
  • Jolen

    From jolen on Spent

    Allison,
    This piece touched me deeply. It’s a horrible disease and the worst thief I can imagine. I like how you have divided it up, as it reads a bit erratic like the condition itself. Very clever. I also particularly enjoyed this simile:
    Like late blooming flowers
    overtaken by first bitter frost.
    Our hopes lie cold within us.

    A poetic reminder of our own fragility and how that which is most precious, can slip away from us and we are powerless to stop it. Much enjoyed the read, my dear.

    love,
    jolen

    Go to comment
    2017/06/16 at 8:34 am
    • Stormwolf

      From stormwolf on Spent

      Hi Jolen,
      Thanks for reading and commenting. This poem was scribbled out when I retreated to my room on my recent visit home. The tragedy is that she is aware that she’s becoming lost. I had tried to read her some poetry from Kahlil Gibran but the hopelessness of our situation overtook me. It overtook us both and we cried. 🙁

      It’s a cruel and relentless fate, exacerbated by my love for her and helplessness to aid her suffering.
      Alison xx

      Go to comment
      2017/06/16 at 9:35 am
  • Stormwolf

    From stormwolf on Becoming Glass

    Hi Jolen!
    Wonderful to read you again. I loved this. What more can I say? You have taken an understanding of the crystal world and utilised it to amazing effect.
    Passion, passion passion!
    I understand the feeling here.

    ‘Come collect me when the storm passes
    and the crabs begin to sidle once more. ‘

    Truly original and poetic metaphor.

    Carry me to the box lined in red velvet
    or shatter me if you choose.

    Breathtaking.

    Really moved

    Alison xx

    PS Nominated. 😉

    Go to comment
    2017/06/15 at 4:02 pm
    • Jolen

      From jolen on Becoming Glass

      Allison! How fantastic to hear from you again. I can’t wait to catch up on your work as well and thank you very much for this awesome comment and for the nomination. I truly appreciate it. We’re moving house and once we’re settled, you’ll have to come down and visit. We will have more room! I hope this finds you well. I have missed you.
      Love,
      jolen

      Go to comment
      2017/06/15 at 9:25 pm
  • Gerry

    From gerry on Scarlett in Paris

    A lovely story, but I am sentimental – I wanted a happy ending – maybe they will meet tomorrow… 😉
    gerry.

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 7:51 pm
  • Sirat

    From sirat on Belfast Boy

    Hello Kim. As you may know I spent most of the last two years working with singers and musicians to get some of my lyrics about Belfast and its people turned into songs. If you’re serious about turning this one into a song I can give you a few names.

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 5:39 pm
  • Sirat

    From sirat on Belfast Boy

    Hello Kim. Only just noticed this one. As you may know I have spent most of the last two years working with singers and musicians to get my lyrics about Belfast turned into songs. If you’re serious about getting this one set to music I can give you a few contacts.

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 5:34 pm
    • Kats

      From kats on Belfast Boy

      Hi David, thank you for that – much appreciated. There are a couple of people trying to help me out with this, but I will also keep your offer in mind. :^)

      Hope all is going well with the musical!

      Kim x

      Go to comment
      2017/06/15 at 11:08 am
  • Sirat

    From sirat on Scarlett in Paris

    I really liked the first few paragraphs of this one, ending with ‘she never saw him again.’ That could stand by itself as a little piece of flash fiction.
    The rest of it works too. I was concerned that it might turn into a very formulaic romance but I think you saved it with the ending. The Gone With the Wind theme wasn’t too laboured, you stopped short of making it too sugary. It’s really the story of a young woman (well, 35 is very young in my book) coming out of her shell and discovering her strength. A good one.

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 2:07 pm
    • Whale

      From Whale on Scarlett in Paris

      Yes, Sirat, 110 views and just one comment. I’m glad you liked it. Among us Jews, if a girl is not married by 21, she’s already an old maid. This is built into the DNA of all our girls. I appreciate your taking the trouble to read and comment. Thanks.

      Go to comment
      2017/06/14 at 4:02 pm
  • Sirat

    From sirat on The Kiss

    I’m surprised you’ve had no feedback on this one. The basic plot I thought was very good, and quite original. All the principal characters were using someone, and using what you might call charm or physical attraction to get what they wanted. I wouldn’t buy a used car from any of them, But that’s fine. Their basic similarity gives the story a consistent theme.
    What didn’t work so well for me was the first half of the story. I found it hard to keep track of who was speaking in the dialogue and had to check back several times to see if I was understanding it correctly. We were told that ‘the girl’ was in her mid-twenties and clearly Eurasian. I wasn’t certain of the boy’s age. He behaved like a fairly young teenager, but the story seemed to be set during what we call the British Raj in India, some time before the country got its independence in 1947, so I suppose a mid-twenties ‘boy’ living in that era could have been fairly naive and childish by today’s standards.
    The technicalities of the kiss I found a bit comical – I suppose it was plausible but I found that whole section embarrassingly ‘cute’. Surely all the ‘boy’ really needed to do to impress his father was to let himself be seen kissing a beautiful woman.
    I think I would chuck a great deal of the introduction and get to the actual kiss a lot sooner. In a short story you should try to eliminate padding – you can get away with it in a novel but not I think in a piece like this.
    I’m not entirely certain what it was about the kiss that outraged the father so much. Was it because his son was very young or simply because he had been there himself before and the boy was stealing his conquest? I was a bit surprised that he would make such a public scene about it. Also a bit surprised that his son couldn’t see this, or something like it, coming. Again, very naive, but I suppose that’s possible.
    Apart from that need to trim and maybe to adjust one or two of the scenes I thought it was a very accomplished piece. It left me with something to think about, which is a good measure of whether or not a story has worked.

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 1:45 pm
    • Whale

      From Whale on The Kiss

      I’m a bit surprised you had trouble with the dialogue as most of the time, I indicated who was speaking. Actually the story was set in the fabulous fifties, when India was already independent. One other critic in another group said leave the opening in as it sets the stage beautifully and shows that, with all the wonderful things around him, his loneliness is even greater. But I’ll give it thought.

      Go to comment
      2017/06/14 at 6:13 pm
      • Whale

        From Whale on The Kiss

        And about why the father was upset. She was his lover earlier and it was like incest if she slept with his son. It was not jealousy but a sense of disgust that motivated him. I really thought that was clear.

        Go to comment
        2017/06/14 at 6:15 pm
  • Whale

    From Whale on Dark Dreamer.

    Are you still thinking of the songster in this poem? I don’t know why you break into the rhythm with your format. Why not
    ‘All things wild are dancing,
    dancing where the night winds haunt,’

    Your images confuse me. Maybe I’m just not able to understand your metaphors, but I wonder if you can indeed capture anyone in a siren’s song, whether in the folds of midnight blue or not, and put him in a silver cage. Silver cage is too solid. Am I being too pragmatic? if so, pay no attention to me.

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 1:07 pm
    • Sweetwater

      From sweetwater on Dark Dreamer.

      No, I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular I was reading someone else’s poem and something in it ( not the words, a feeling ) caught my eye and this poem was written from that feeling.
      Mike also suggested the layout you mentioned, I had amended but for some reason it didn’t adjust on the site.
      As for capturing in a siren’s song what about sailors being lured to their death by a sirens song, the siren being a mermaid, that’s what was in my mind anyway.
      It was just a bit of fairy tale whimsy really. I suppose it was basically wild night creatures dancing across a midnight sky to carry dreams in song to a lost lover, recapture his heart and bring him back home to stay. Thank you for reading and giving it a lot thought. Sue.

      Go to comment
      2017/06/14 at 4:19 pm
  • Whale

    From Whale on Summer's Love.

    This is good but a bit too sweet for my taste. It’s a woman’s overflowing emotions. I like emotions contained within the cup and not brimming over. Did your songwriter get to whisper his songs in your ear?

    Go to comment
    2017/06/14 at 12:56 pm
    • Sweetwater

      From sweetwater on Summer's Love.

      Well I am a woman and it was a beautiful spring day, very difficult not to let one’s emotion over fill the cup.
      And no nobody whispers anything in my ear, oh well. Sue.

      Go to comment
      2017/06/14 at 4:36 pm