It’s a dark read for sure but then again North Korea must be a very dark place to be for most of the population. I’ve read that cannibalisation isn’t unknown.
It’s pieces like this that remind us how lucky we are to live in a Western civilisation (for all its faults).
Well-written, CW.
A few minor things need attending to here 😉 People(‘)s faces,
The good old Polar Bear. capital letters as you used further down when you mentioned the pub again.
To rave somemore some more two words
You also do not start every line with a capital so either one thing or the other.
I hope you don’t mind this honest crit. The thing is…if nobody points out our errors we can never progress.
Other than that, a very interesting snap-shot of a time in the past!
Absolutely fabulous! My kind of poetry. I love the sheer exposure, the reality of the feelings of the loss of all things young and ripe. The horrible realisation of the passage of time and the futility of that life.
It comes to us all but set in this scene it is very dreadful and hopeless. The choice of words was very necessary and potent used in this way. This would go into my favs if we get that back in action.
First class poetry.
Alison x
Hi Alison, apologies for late reply, but the imbibing of certain liquids of high medicinal value prohibited the use of the pc!
Thank you for the generous comments; this was a poem once again promoted by a moment of “seeing” in Madrid, and the cadence fell into place when the first book i laid my eyes on on entering our home was “The Waste Land”.
I found this very sad. I ‘got it’ totally of course but the progression through the changing mental states and physical difficulties…the many reasons someone can justify the decision to know they are on the slippery slope but still continue…affects me deeply.
I come from the Highlands where we were weaned on whiskey lol but I cannot enjoy the reading of it.
As nursing students we were well known for liking a drink to work hard and play hard…but never to this extent. Probably because we had to work in the morning. 😉
I also think of my mother and how much she detested my father drinking.
Alison x
Thanks Storm. I’m sorry it made you sad. I’m sure you did see plenty in the highlands. I was at sea for many years and never once sailed on a ship without at least one alcoholic. And we all colluded, drank with them, covered for them when they couldn’t function. You know Shane Macgowan drank his first full bottle of whiskey aged eleven. We also had the work hard play hard ethos. most of us coped and it was a merry go round. Maybe that also explains why so many, and I mean a lot, of seamen were married to nurses, that and when we were on leave your partners shift could always be ignored and not lead to absences that hurts many nurses relationships.
The ending kicked me in the guts..or as a healer would put it…got me right in my emotional energy center.
We have to be more conscious of what reality really is. For far too long we just accept what is the given narrative. High definition as you expose here, can be the catalyst for seeing the real truth in full technicolour.
A whistle-blower drone soldier has come our recently and exposed what it does to the soul to play with a deadly killing machine as though it was a game on the PC.
To divorce the person from the reality of incessant killing of people they do not even know, just because they have been given ‘the narrative’
I pray the coming years are going to see the total destruction of the ruling elites who mastermind all wars and treat soldiers and everybody else as of no consequence.
Hi Alison, thanks for you very thoughtful comment. The thought that computerised weapons de-humanises soldiers is a chilling prospect.
I worry about AI weapons, if a frightened enemy soldier looks them in the eye, they would even notice and just kill as programmed.
He fell straight back to the ground, wailing with that powerful castrati voice, released all of his suffering back to the world just like the blood exploding out of his heart.
A skilful example of making just a few words say an awful lot. Nice work, CW.
Steve, thanks again. What i am working for is a basic action-adventure story, what J R R Tolkien meant when he talked about helping your fellow prisoner in the this world escape through reading. If I can get more into it that is frosting on the cake.
Another good read with a couple of reservations. This didn’t fit in, to my eyes at least:
‘The impact shuddered his entire being.’ It makes me think of overblown Edwardian writing and it’s not part of your style from what I’ve read of yours. I won’t mention this again but I still think you’re not doing your otherwise-solid story any favours by sliding into the passive voice at times. It detunes the ‘nowness’ of the scene/s and gives a slight air of underconfidence in your characters.
Anyway, that aside, it’s the sort of book that I’d read a chapter of each night. I like quirky writing. 🙂 Steve
Thanks Steve. Your insightful reading is why I post here. (All the other creative writing sites are trash in my opinion). What I will say about that line, during the handful of times that i got myself in a fistfight or the many wrestling matches on the high school team, i vividly remember that giving the opponent a surprise impact or me getting one seemed to affect the entire body. I will look at that line again.
Addictive reading, CW! I think you occasionally take the edge off by slipping into a passive voice though. No gripes otherwise; it’s an entertaining story. 🙂
Steve, thanks for the comment. I will be going over the story once i get the first draft done. Your observations about tense and passive voice will be addressed.
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