Dark Clouds Return
Cancer Diaries – The Last Entry
Dark clouds return, stealing the sun from my sky,
bringing with them the winter wolves of yesteryear.
They come closer, as if they sense the time has come.
The crows are back, surrounding my dreams.
I have only dark thoughts.
There’s a crack in my world, a shift in my place …..
The order changes and I must move on.
2nd July 2017
This will be my last entry, I’m in hospital with weeks to live. I’m told that my nemesis has finally tipped the scales in its favour; cancer has got me in the end.
It’s been a long, sometimes bitter fight, one that I hope I have given good account of myself in. As you may imagine my journal has told only half of the story: it was best that way.
That the end will be quick may be a bonus. The knowledge came out of the blue, a shock to us all.
Lesley and I had just returned from Roscoff, as mentioned in my last entry. We had a fabulous time with beautiful weather. A great hotel and some wonderful food and drink. Jim and Jackie Archibold (Franciman) came down for a couple of days, we talked writing, life, love, all of the stuff that friends do.
I should have sensed the coming storm. Our return journey hit a fog bank an hour from Roscoff. It lasted for the next five hours until we docked into Plymouth, then it rained.
We slid back into our Plymouth routine. The sale on the flat had completed. There was family stuff to deal with. The dog needed a clip; all the things that fill our lives… and then
On Tuesday 27th June I started feeling cramp pains in my stomach. They got worse. In the end I had to phone Lesley and get her home . When she arrived I started vomiting vast amounts of bile. Lesley contacted my consultant who we were meeting at 09:00 the next day. She asked if I would be able to make this so that she could deal with me personally. We said we would try.
Wednesday 28th June we got up at normal time and Lesley took the dog for a walk. Just as she returned I started vomiting again, this time black gungy water. We made it to the Cancer Centre and met with my consultant. Sarah said that I would not be going home.
A bed was found in the hospital, there was more vomiting. I was clearly in big trouble. After the scan they gathered around my bed, the news was that I had weeks (at best) to live.
I could write a whole chapter on the turmoil this information brings to you and your family ….. but I won’t.
Please know that I have loved my life, the last eighteen years with Lesley and girls have been more than I could ever have hoped for; bearing in mind my past.
I have few if any regrets as those who have read my stories and poetry will understand. When the time comes, I hope I can step up to the plate with a little dignity is all.
I wish you all well on your journeys through life, I hope you have half the fun I have had.
Over and out
ps. Please read recent update posted in the forums.