Old Gits in their cups

This is an experimental piece.


Old Gits In their cups.

“Get lost!”
“Yes, but what do you think?”
“Get lost!”
“Well, Yeah, but what do you really, really think?”
“I think it’s too smoky in here, this bitter’s off, Brenda’s not wearing a bra and you’re crackers,”
“I’m only trying to make you rich,”
“Trying to get me a five year stretch, more likely,”
“How long have we known each other?”
“Too long,”
“Come on now, it must be sixty years or more, we’ve been through a lot together,”
“That’s true. There was Agnes, Brenda, Christine, Doreen, Edna, Fiona, et al,”
“Not that, you silly old fool. You’re being deliberately awkward aren’t you?”
“I’m hurt. What on earth makes you think that?”
“I must be psychic. Look it’s dead easy, the bank’s only next door but one, we’d be back in here downing a pint whilst they were scouring the country for us. They’d never look in here.”
“We’d be recognised,”
“I’ve got masks,”
“What about the Zimmer frames?”
“Well yes, I admit we’ve got mobility problems at the moment but I wasn’t thinking of today or next week even. Sometime after we’ve had our hip replacements done. We’ll be unstoppable then, almost bionic,”
“Have you seen the size of their security bloke?”
“You can sort him out. I’ve seen you in action; blokes go down like ninepins when you start,”
“That was sixty five years ago, you dumbbell,”
“You’re still ogling barmaids so you must have something left,”
“Get lost,”
“Two organ stops, er pints, please Brenda, and make it lager this time. GEORGE, YOUR PIPES ARE FILTHY, THIS BITTER TASTES LIKE VINEGAR,”
“You’re barred, the pair of you”
“Get lost,” “Get Lost”.

 

© pixie 2017
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critique and comments welcome.

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10 Comments on "Old Gits in their cups"

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E-Griff
Admin

Fun story.
Just as a note – Wise advice advises against substitutes for ‘said’ (moaned Fred, responded jack) as they are distracting and superfluous (eg the speech says something and then it is repeated in the description eg ‘what’s that?’ he questioned. It’s better to use said throughout, but if you have a dialogue between characters, very often you can leave the speech attribution out and just ping pong their words on each line
This sharpens up dialogue.
The more superfluous words a reader has to plough through, the more bored they get.

Franciman
Member

I think if you wrote it like a stage sketch ( a duologue if you will) you could get by with attributing speech to characters. That would help with the attribution repeats. I enjoyed this, though John is right. I also think you are using the attributions to make your job easy as the writer. Crisper, more meaningful dialogue would preclude the use of adjectival attributes. e.g. irritably; finally.
That said, I did enjoy it and would read more.

E-Griff
Admin

If you’d like to see some more tips, there’s a selection in the forum, here:
http://ukauthors.com/community/prose-writing-tutorial/prose-writing-tutorial/

Mikeverdi
Member

Much enjoyed the read, enough has been said on the critique side, I’ll leave it there.
Mike

Skytrucker
Member

That was funny Pixie. I loved it. I must read some more of your output.

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