LIFE (OR BEING A BEACH BUM)
When Ernie took Gertrude to wife
he had the notion ’twas for life,
but didn’t bank on all the strife
a spouse could often be.
She didn’t understand it seems
his lust for love (‘In yer dreams!’)
what sausages and bacon means
and kippers for his tea.
So after fifteen years of this
he’d had enough of wedded bliss
and found himself locked in a kiss
with next door neighbour Lee.
Lee was masterful, with muscle!
And Ern tried desp’rately to rustle
up excuses – go, sans tussle,
but Gert would not agree.
A Christian, Ern (and most devout!)
he couldn’t very well come out
the closet, thought he had to clout
poor Gert most grievously.
So having had enough of Gert
(he’d toyed, briefly, with fireman Bert)
the only thing to do was hurt
her hard, despite her plea.
But what to do then, with the bod?
Bury it beneath the sod?
And so he did (and prayed to God),
deep beneath a tree
Thus Bert and Lee, happy and gay,
tied the knot and moved away,
settled down in San Fran bay,
awash with sex and iced Chablis
(which bright spark was it who said crime doesn’t pay?)