Forgotten Coats.

A swell of voice in trebled song

rides high across the vale

where joyous face of vibrant eye

shall shake apart her frills:

nature yawns the year awake

and from her cup of spring she

tips, a gilding on the day.

Discarded coats now lay forlorn;

like long forgotten memories

across the path of youth.

 

© sweetwater 2017
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critique and comments welcome.

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12 Comments on "Forgotten Coats."

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Ionicus
Member

I hope you’ll forgive me, Sue, if I say that in my opinion this is not one of your best. I think that the topic – about nature and the arrival of spring – is one that you have used in other poems more effectively.

Ross
Member

I wonder if you could put “Her” in front of coats and change “youth” to age to extend and maintain the rather compelling anthropomorphic direction of the piece. “Yawns the year awake’ is rather fine.

Potleek
Member

Sorry but I can’t quite agree with your answer to Ionicus.
The last three lines in my reading gives closure to your poem.
“Discarded coats” are what we cast off when the weather warms up, for once winter passes we forget how cold we have been “Like forgotten memories.”
Towards the youth (beginning) of another year

Elfstone
Member

Just caught up with this one Sweetwater – and your work is always worth catching up on. As others have said this, as it stands, doesn’t quite work, although I’m certain there is a good poem in there. To my mind there are two lines missing and a better rhyme for frills (which would continue the musical theme). I will pm you my thoughts for your consideration 🙂 Elfstone

Kipper
Member

Hello Sue, So nice to read your poetry again. You do have a way of telling a story which puts your stamp on it. Whether this one is better or worse than others I don’t feel qualified to say but it still has your footprints (in the snow perhaps) and is very readable.
Michael

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