The German Language

The German language is a mess,

or as they’d say, a “through-each-other”,

but sometimes, when you blindly guess,

you stab the proper word without much bother.


They’re literal little dumpling-chefs,

the Germans. Gloves to them are “hand-shoes”.

Moustaches are called “string-beards” (if

they’re on the way to being like Fu Manchu’s,


as oft they are in Germany,

whose handlebar-hirsutest suburbs

heave with hairy men who’ll flee

from razors, mumbling Swabian plumbers’ proverbs).


What pretzel-stocked bananensaft-

and-beer-soaked planet must these people

live on, referring to alien craft

as “flying undercups” with little scruple?


With mental graft and cries of “uh?”

we sword-fight with their dark insistence

on six Satanic words for “the”,

yes, six! Six! Six! But some words lend assistance.


Is it just daft or knifesmith-rough

to call a tortoise “shield-toad”, brutal

for drumkits to be “hitting-stuff”

and diarrhoea to cross the sea as “through-fall”?


They’re cheeky scrawlers of treble-clefs,

the Germans, yes, their speech resembles

the way a gorgeous woman coughs

pork luncheon meat out of her throat then fumbles


with scissors and a paper with

a bacon coupon, it’s not singsong,

but what’s a sharper social scythe

than when the word for “hooligan” is “half-strong”?


Perhaps they have far fewer swathes

of blockheads hurling chairs through barriers

since it’s impossible to bathe

in glory as “United Half-Strong Warriors”.


It might as well mean “empty soul

with brain the size of an amoeba’s

clitoris” or “paedophile

who wets himself after two Cuba Libras”.


But nothing brings more harmony

than those two words that, clanging, thudding,

mean “jelly” in fair Germany:

there’s “food of the gods” and then there’s “wobble-pudding”.


“Food of the gods” as there’s no doubt

that Zeus, Apollo, Thor and Vishnu

are chomping jelly on a cloud

then wiping their beards clean with bits of tissue.





© Archie Macjoyce





© archiemac 2017
Views: 433
critique and comments welcome.

Leave a Comment

4 Comments on "The German Language"

Notify of

I love this ! Ah those Germans how they suffer from the rest of us lol. You’ve summed them up quite well actually and wasn’t boring reading.. Try reading it aloud, I did , much better!


Hi Archie,
I was SO glad you posted the vid!!! Like so much of your work, a performance piece par excellence!
I hate to look a brown nose but I am afraid another nom coming your way.
I have watched this many times (from Youtube) and laugh every time I view it. You have taken the idiosyncrasies of the language and turned it into an art form.
This is your forte without doubt.

Alison x

Flag Content